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ASHTON LEAVES DEMI FOR BETTY

Frank Lake — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 03:00:53 +0000

LOS ANGELES - Ashton Kutcher and Demi are divorcing. He’s with Betty White now.

Ashton Kutcher’s five-year marriage to Demi Moore came to an end over the weekend. Allegedly Ashton was spotted with his hands and lips all over another woman – Betty White.

Betty and Ashton were seen kissing at an Italian restaurant in the LA area.

An eyewitness at the Italian restaurant said, ” Ashton had this gorgeous, older woman pinned against the wall, and he was totally making out with her. I was shocked to see him sucking face with a woman who was clearly older than Demi. When Ashton pulled his face away, I could see it was Betty White. It made me happy to see her making out, but I’m not sure he’s good enough for her.”

Kutcher originally took to Twitter on Wednesday to slam rumors that he cheated on wife Demi Moore. “I think Star magazine calling me a ‘cheater’ qualifies as defamation of character. I hope my lawyer agrees,” he wrote. “STAR magazine – you don’t get to stand behind ‘freedom of the press’ when you are writing fiction.”

But after the eyewitness came forward, Ashton came clean on Twitter. “Yes, I am having an affair with Betty White. We are madly in love. I love Demi, but I just love Betty more. I know everyone in American can understand.”

Here is the woman, Sara Leal, Kutcher was rumored to have left Demi for:

But as Kutcher said. She doesn’t hold a candle to this woman:

Kutcher went on to say that he has filed for divorce for Demi. That may not be the smartest thing to do because Betty White isn’t interested in settling down any time soon. “I’m just playing the field right now. Ashton’s got a nice body, but there’s lot of nice bodies out there and I plan on checking out a whole bunch of them. I don’t want to be tied down to one man. I’m too young!”

Betty is part of a new “panther” movement sweeping the country: senior women dating young men. Go, Betty, Go!

Here’s one of the many, many reasons Kutcher (and America) loves Betty White:

SCHWEDDY BALLS

Tap Vann — Fri, 09 Sep 2011 04:51:31 +0000

Today Ben & Jerry’s announced their newest ice cream flavor—Schweddy Balls, an homage to Saturday Night Live.

It’s vanilla ice cream with a hint of rum and a huge scoop of Baldwin.

The name comes from a skit featuring regular host Alec Baldwin, Molly Shannon and Ana Gasteyer. Baldwin plays Pete Schweddy, owner of a holiday bakery called Season’s Eatings. Shannon and Gasteyer play NPR radio hosts interviewing him for a culinary show. And the central joke of the bit goes like this:

“There are lots of great treats this time of year,” Schweddy says. “Zucchini bread. Fruitcake. But the thing I most like to bring out at this time of the year are my balls.”

He then explains that he sells popcorn balls, cheese balls, rum balls—balls for every taste—and the ball puns proceed, to the great joy of the crowd, for about four minutes. (Ben & Jerry’s chose to go with fudge-covered rum and malt balls for their flavor.) The skit culminates in Baldwin stating that “No one can resist my Schweddy Balls.” Hence, the lore that led to the ice cream.

Are they toeing a line with the title? “The name is irreverent,” says Ben & Jerry’s spokesman Sean Greenwood. “But we’ve always been about having some irreverence and having some fun … We’re not trying to offend people. Our fans get the humor.” The release of Schweddy Balls follows Jimmy Fallon’s Late Night Snack, a flavor they released earlier this year. Other celebrity-related treats include Stephen Colbert’s Americone Dream and, of course, Cherry Garcia.

Ben & Jerry’s has released controversial ice creams, like a special edition of Chubby Hubby called Hubby Hubby, which celebrated gay marriage. Still, it seems safe to say this is—and probably will remain—their ballsiest flavor of all time.

The ice cream is being released in a limited batch, which means it will be distributed nation-wide but only for three or four months. If it proves popular, another batch might be forthcoming.

Alec Baldwin, who will be hosting this year’s season premiere on Sept. 24, had this to say via a press release from Ben & Jerry’s: “For a long time, I thought that ‘Here Lies Pete Schweddy’ would end up on my tombstone. Now, thanks to Ben & Jerry’s, the goodness of the Schweddy family recipe won’t go with me to the great beyond. It is immortalized here, right now, and it’s an ice cream. Ben & Jerry’s and Schweddy. Two great names in American dessert, together at last.”

Ana Gasteyer also chimed in: “As a person and a performer, I am a sucker for holiday balls. And I have no doubt this ice cream will cause many to scream ‘Good Times.”

Katy Steinmetz
Time

SHEEN’S KORNER

Tap Vann — Sun, 06 Mar 2011 16:15:56 +0000

SHERMAN OAKS, CA – Charlie Sheen’s new webshow, Sheen’s Korner, was the highest rated show in America last night.

Sheen’s show started with fart noises and endless references to “winning” – and ended with the troubled actor drinking from a sippy cup and repeating the word “duh.”

“This was just amazing, and so exciting,” a viewer with the Twitter handle Sean_Penn posted online.

The unforgettable 50-minute webcast, dubbed “Sheen’s Korner,” featured Sheen and a group of his misfit pals, including “goddess” girlfriend Natalie Kenly.

With more than 100 million viewers tuning in, the former “Two and a Half Men” star opened the show with a “big shout-out” to his children. “Daddy loves you, and if you’re watching, tell mom to leave the room,” said Sheen, wearing a black hat and black T-shirt with a neon dollar sign. “It’s on.”

Much of what he said afterward was sheer brilliance. In one of his few moments of clarity, Sheen revealed that he got the word “Winning” tattooed on his left wrist.

“Guess what we were doing all day, every second of the day? Winning,” Sheen proudly stated..

Sheen also took a moment to deliver a message to porn star Rachel Oberlin – the actor’s other live-in lady, who recently left his Beverly Hills mansion.

“She had to go take care of some business,” Sheen said. “We love you. We miss you.”

In an especially powerful segment, Sheen addressed the recent scandal at Brigham Young University, where a basketball star was booted from the team after he admitted having sex with his girlfriend. “Dude, you knew the rules going in,” Sheen said.

The actor also devoted another amazing segment to people he said “wish they were me forever.”

On the list were Dr. Drew Pinsky and Nancy Grace. “How Grace exists in your name, I’m really confused by,” Sheen said.

Viewership increased every minute as the webcast on the site Ustream.tv.

More episodes of Sheen’s Korner will air in the coming days.

Here’s an excerpt of the instant “computervision” classic:

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE CANCELED!

J.B. Smitts — Mon, 07 Feb 2011 14:05:34 +0000

NEW YORK – Lorne Michaels announced that Saturday Night Live’s 2011 season, its 36th, will be the sketch comedy show’s final season.

Michaels, the show’s creator and head producer, cited lack of funds, a diminishing fan-base, and the expansion of websites like Hulu and YouTube as primary reasons for the show’s cancellation.

“There’s no competing with the internet,” said Michaels to a group of reporters outside his New York office. “People would much rather watch YouTube clips on their computers than tune into a real live television show.”

“It’s sad,” added Michaels, “ but the people who call themselves ‘fans’ of the show by watching it online are actually the ones putting us out of business.”

Saturday Night Live, once a mainstay of NBC’s Saturday night line-up, received abysmally low ratings for the past five seasons, prompting NBC executives to put pressure on the show’s producers to boost viewership and broaden its fan-base. In June of 2006, NBC executive Steve Burke threatened to pull the sketch comedy show off the air if it couldn’t increase its Nielsen ratings in five years.

“I saw that the show was headed down the tubes five years ago,” Burke, “and it’s been a financial burden ever since. My only regret is not pulling the plug sooner.”

Saturday Night Live premiered on October 11th 1975 on NBC Universal. Here’s the original cast:

Now in its 36th season, the show is often accused by critics as having “lost its edge” in terms of comedic quality and mass appeal. Here’s the current cast:

“SNL isn’t as funny as it used to be,” said Ray Colomb, a stand-up comedian in New York. “I don’t know whether it’s the writing or the acting or both, but the show just isn’t the same as when Dan Akroyd and Chevy Chase use to hang at 30 Rock.”

Others cited the fact that the sketches seem to go on long past they are funny. “They need a kill switch,” said Moses Johnson, another stand-up.

Yet despite the overwhelming criticism, some fans see no reason to cancel the show because of a few lackluster seasons.

“Saturday Night Live was an iconic television show,” said Gary Longman, a Boston area television critic. “It was an American tradition. It launched so many careers and inspired so many great movies. I’ll be sad to see it go.”

The last episode of Saturday Night Live will air on Saturday, May 14th, at 7:30 pm. A three-hour “farewell” special, the episode will feature hosts Alec Baldwin, Steve Martin, and John Goodman, as well as musical guests Lil’ Wayne, Coldplay, and U2.

MEGHAN MCCAIN IS A WITCH

Frank Lake — Sun, 17 Oct 2010 19:56:25 +0000

WASHINGTON - Meghan McCain announced on ABC’s “This Week” that she is a witch.

John McCain ‘s outspoken daughter, who previously rocked the boat in the Republican party over her support for gay rights and her jabs at Sarah Plain took to ABCs “This Week” to slam Christine O’Donnell.”

“She’s a nutjob. First, she claims she is a witch, then she says she’s not a witch. She doesn’t know what she is,” said McCain.

Then she surprised everyone on the This Week panel when she said, “I know for a fact that Christine O’Donnell is NOT a witch because I AM a witch.”

McCain then pulled out her magic broom to show to everyone. Several flying monkeys ran across the stage – and then disappeared.

But McCain continued ranting about O’Donnell: “She is making a mockery of running for public office,” McCain said. “She has no real history, no real success in any kind of business. And she couldn’t make a potion to save her life.”

McCain, 26, says O’Donnell is not just unqualified but a bad role model, telling ABC the message she “witches get a bad enough rap, and it really hurt us when she first claimed to be a witch.”

Many in the Tea Party were not surprised that McCain was a witch. “I know she was a bitch, but now I know that she’s a witch too. Either way, I wish she would just fly away on her broom back to the dung hole she flew out of,” said Tea Party Patriot, Moira Kelly of St. Louis.

Ann Coulter, who has McCain once called “offensive” and “insulting” had this to say, “Can somebody please pour some hot water on her!”

McCain said she is working on a potion that will turn O’Donnell into a donkey. “I think that would be really cool. I’m cool and everything I do is cool, so that will be really a cool thing to do. I should have the potion ready by tonight.”

Meghan’s father, Senator John McCain said, “I always knew Meghan was a witch. She used to sit up in her room every night killing frogs and decapitating her dolls. She was such a cute girl.”

McCain also has called the Tea Party racists. She denies being paid by George Soros and the Democratic National Committee but WWN can confirm that she receive over $5 million so far this year to pretend to be a Republican.

“She’s been great for us,” said Howard Dean. “She’s got everybody fooled. And now this witch stuff is great. She’s working on a lot of potions, including one we love – it’s called Voter Fraud.”

Meghan McCain will be flying to New York tonight…. watch out for the Wicked Witch of Washington!

30 ROCK LIVE – BAT BOY LOVES TINA FEY

Frank Lake — Thu, 14 Oct 2010 04:56:44 +0000

NEW YORK - Weekly World News has selected Tina Fey as the Sexiest Woman Alive and Bat Boy is going to tell her on 30 Rock Live!

WWN has spent the last month pouring over pictures of beautiful women: Kim Kardashian, J-Woww, Larissa Requilme, Rhianna, Angelina Jolie, Sandra Bullock, Jenny McCarthy, Tyra Banks, Giselle Bundchen, Natalie Portman, Jessica Alba, Jennifer Lopez etc… It’s been a grueling process.

r. Barry Leed had to be rushed to the hospital several times. Ph.D. Ape made a brilliant speech to the group, outlining the pros and cons over every woman. After a lengthy discussion and very little debate, the WWN board was unanimous.

NO woman can hold a candle to the WWN choice: Tina Fey. The Sexiest Woman Alive!

Bat Boy is a BIG, BIG fan of Tina Fey. She is doing a LIVE broadcast of her hit sitcom 30 Rock tonight and Bat Boy intends to show up and give her the WWN Sexiest Woman Alive award in person. Bat Boy is disgusted that Minka Kelly got the honor from Esquire.

Why did WWN choose Tina Fey? She’s beautiful, smart, funny. End of story. That makes her the sexiest women alive and sexier than most dead women as well.

And those glasses —- yowza!

We love a girl who knows her way around a typewriter:

Come hither? You betcha.

There are those glasses!! And those legs! …

Esquire recently named Minka Kelly as The Sexiest Woman alive. Please… You think she’s sexier than Tina?

Been there, haven’t done that. But…whatever.

This is the first annual WWN Sexiest Woman Alive post…. Bat Boy will be delivering Tina’s WWN SWA Statuette to her personally on the set of 30 Rock. Look for him tonight on 30 Rock live!!

Frank Lake has been in contact with Tina’s people for a personal interview. So far, no call back… but he’s hoping to get the full scoop.

GIRLS WITH BALLS

Tap Vann — Tue, 28 Sep 2010 05:27:22 +0000

It’s Monday morning. Time for another edition of Girls With Balls.

Many girls across the world are using balls on a daily basis.

Some girls like to dance with their balls:

It all started with Greek Girls:

Some girls like big balls:

Some girls like two balls:

Some like to sit on their balls:

And some like to sit on their balls naked:

And reader CJ Daniels reminded us about Megan Fox. Shown here hiding some balls:

Come back next Monday for another sampling of Girls With Balls!

SNL REJECTS LAKE ERIE MONSTER

Garrett Hawley — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 10:20:42 +0000

LONG ISLAND SOUND, NY – The Lake Erie Monster tried out for the Saturday Night Live auditions to find new female cast members.

Star member Amy Poehler departed from the show after giving birth, leaving the show in dire straits. With only two female cast members left, Saturday Night Live quickly put out the call for interested parties to audition. Little did they know what it would bring up from the murky depths…

The Lake Erie Monster was able to make her way into the try-outs and did the only impression she has: Sarah Palin. Her 60-second audition consisted of her alternating between shouting, “Maverick!” over and over again and winking at the camera.

She was seemingly oblivious to the fact that former cast member Tina Fey had shot the show to ratings heaven with her own Palin impression just a few weeks back. Lorne Michaels was not amused. Comedians Abby Elliott and Michaela Watkins were chosen and introduced in last Saturday’s episode.

It is believed that Lemmie (as she refers to be called) was only allowed to audition because of Affirmative Action, which has recently been broadened to include cryptids. After being rejected, she cried hysterically for four seconds and then re-submerged into Long Island Sound, leaving only a trail of mascara behind.

Is this the last we’ll see of the Lake Erie diva? This Weekly World News writer thinks not.

CHAOS CLOUD WATCHES OVER RECOUNT

Tap Vann — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 09:44:21 +0000

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – After the presidential election went off without a hitch, many citizens were hoping the Chaos Cloud would vanish. But it isn’t satisfied just yet.

The senate race in Minnesota between Incumbent Senator Norm Coleman and former SNL star Al Franken has become dangerously close. As of Wednesday, there was only a 477 vote difference in the election.

While Coleman is asking Franken to concede, Minnesota law requies a recount for such a small margin. Franken supports the recount and stated, “Let me be clear: Our goal is to ensure that every vote is properly counted.”

It appears the Chaos Cloud has parked himself directly over the recount, to act as a warning against any poll-counting shenanigans. It is widely believed the Cloud does not want any chaos to break out before his final descent to destroy the world in 2014.

We can only hope the Chaos Cloud is not driven to act…