FORT LAUDERDALE, FL – After years of hiding out in Everglades National Park, Skunk Ape is having a coming out party.

For the past twenty years stories have been told in South Florida about the hideous and vile smelling skunk ape who preys upon deer, fox, alligators, and sometimes even humans.

Skunk Ape has returned!

He has been described as a mix of  an ape and a skunk, Bigfoot and a dirty diaper, and Danny Devito without the farting noises. Though, without photos verifying proof or anyone sober verifying proof, for that matter, it has not been brought to the public’s attention, until today.

Skunk Ape is looking to get out of the swamp and into girl’s bikinis. He has been sighted up and down Fort Lauderdale Beach and some have claimed to even see him as far south as Miami. He has been drinking, dancing, and “getting dirty” some have claimed as they have seen him carousing the sand looking for dance partners and drinking buddies.

Kim Cloisters, from Delray Beach, came in town last weekend and noticed a huge pile of hair swaying back and forth to techno music. “At first I was a little afraid when he approached, but once you get past the smell, he is pretty similar to any other guy from Jersey that hasn’t been waxed in a while.”

In fact, the Skunk Ape seems to be the life of the party down in South Florida these days. Aside from two reports of dogs missing on the beaches, there have been no complaints about this seemingly lovable oaf. He has even gotten a few affectionate nicknames, the main two being Harry and Odie, short for odorous I expect.

Looks like Skunk Ape, from the pictures and stories swirling around Fort Lauderdale, seems to have found himself a new home.

UPDATE: Mount Redoubt has begun to erupt! Is webcam user yeti4eva safe?

As reported in January, a yeti discovered and took over the camera streaming live footage of Mount Redoubt. Fans flocked to YetiCam.net to chat with the friendly cryptid. Scientists attempted to reclaim the camera but the yeti has repeatedly scared them off.

Now Mount Redoubt is beginning to erupt and it appears the young yeti has been forced to flee. Her webcam has shown no activity since late last night, when the volcano erupted four times. The website now shows only a message stating, “see y’all in augustine!” Viewers are now focusing on the Augustine Volcano webcam, in hopes of her return.

January 30, 2009

MT. REDOUBT, AK – Scientists set up a webcam on Mount Redoubt to monitor volcanic activity, but discovered more than they bargained for.

Mount Redoubt has erupted three times in the past century, with the 1989 eruption lasting five months. Scientists now believe they can predict upcoming eruptions, and the Alaska Volcano Observatory set up a webcam on the north flank to observe any suspicious activity.

However, on the night of January 29th, viewers got a big surprise when an Alaskan yeti discovered the webcam. At first confused, she soon settled in front of the cam to communicate with viewers through a rudimentary laptop attached to the camera.

Internet users quickly began flooding YetiCam.net to ask the creature questions.

stapleman32: what do u like to do on the weekend?
yeti4eva: i love chillin with my girls (what up littlepaw?!) and finding cute grizzly bears to hang out with, yum!!!

teenycryptid: Hi! I am a 13 year old skunk ape in the Florida Everglades. I think I’m really ugly but my mom says I just haven’t “blossomed” yet. I want the guys my age to notice me. How do I get to be as pretty as you?
yeti4eva: thanks, teeny! but don’t ever call yourself ugly! you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you. listen to christina aguilera’s song “beautiful”, she is so wise!!

The yeti also set up an Amazon.com wishlist, for admirers to buy and send her gifts. If viewers purchased a T-Mobile G1 phone, she would “totes love you forever!!!”

Observatory scientists armed with stun guns are currently hiking to the cam’s position to reclaim the camera.

MT. REDOUBT, AK – Scientists set up a webcam on Mount Redoubt to monitor volcanic activity, but discovered more than they bargained for.

Mount Redoubt has erupted three times in the past century, with the 1989 eruption lasting five months. Scientists now believe they can predict upcoming eruptions, and the Alaska Volcano Observatory set up a webcam on the north flank to observe any suspicious activity.

However, on the night of January 29th, viewers got a big surprise when an Alaskan yeti discovered the webcam. At first confused, she soon settled in front of the cam to communicate with viewers through a rudimentary laptop attached to the camera.

Internet users quickly began flooding YetiCam.net to ask the creature questions.

stapleman32: what do u like to do on the weekend?
yeti4eva: i love chillin with my girls (what up littlepaw?!) and finding cute grizzly bears to hang out with, yum!!!

teenycryptid: Hi! I am a 13 year old skunk ape in the Florida Everglades. I think I’m really ugly but my mom says I just haven’t “blossomed” yet. I want the guys my age to notice me. How do I get to be as pretty as you?
yeti4eva: thanks, teeny! but don’t ever call yourself ugly! you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you. listen to christina aguilera’s song “beautiful”, she is so wise!!

The yeti also set up an Amazon.com wishlist, for admirers to buy and send her gifts. If viewers purchased a T-Mobile G1 phone, she would “totes love you forever!!!”

Observatory scientists armed with stun guns are currently hiking to the cam’s position to reclaim the camera.

WASILLA, AK – Records and eyewitnesses have come to light that prior to announcing her candidacy for the Vice Presidency; Sarah Palin shot a Bigfoot from a helicopter.

A government helicopter was seen flying low over the Chugach National Park with what witnesses described as “a sexy librarian shooting out the side.” Employees at a local bait shop report seeing a similar woman only hours before carrying an infant in a camouflage Baby Bjorn.

The Bigfoot, or Sasquatch as it is known in scientific circles, was found dead on the outskirts of the park, just south of Wasilla, Alaska.  Preliminary forensics reports confirm that an adult male Sasquatch was shot in the face with Palin’s trademark 5mm M4 Carbine Assault Rifle.

Environmental groups are in an uproar at the hunting death of a rare and notoriously reclusive species.  Efforts to have the Sasquatch placed on the endangered species list have met with repeated opposition from state legislature, since protecting the ‘Missing Link’ could be seen as validating evolution.

Conservatives have immediately rallied to their party’s new star, citing that gun ownership and hunting are indelible parts of American culture.  Indeed this point is hard to argue, as John Adams was notorious for having captured what he called a “Skunk Ape” and killing it with his bare hands on the White House lawn in front of a paying audience.