PALO ALTO, CA – A new study out of Stanford University reveals that the British accent is no longer considered a positive trait for attracting  sexual partners.

In a comprehensive new research study conducted jointly by the Department of Linguistics and the Department of Psychology at Stanford University, three thousand American men and women ranging in age from 18 to 54 were monitored to detect sexual arousal after hearing different foreign accents.  The  study was named after Professor John Comito, who worked with Alfred Kinsey in his youth and is now a pioneer in sexual linguistics.

Each subject participating in The Comito Study was put in a mood-enhanced room (low-lighting, soft music), then they were played samples of native speakers reciting simple phrases in English (i.e. “would you like to have dinner?” you look beautiful,” “let’s stroll in the park,” etc.).  Subjects also heard several regional accents:  New York, New Jersey, Midwest, Southern, Texas, and California. Electrodes attached to the subject monitored sexual arousal.

The results of The Comito Study surprised researchers. Women and men have always been aroused by French and Italian accents, and women have always seemed to go “weak in the knees” over British accents. No more. While the romance languages account for the majority of accents that attract the opposite sex, the British accent is slowly losing its sex appeal.  “Women today seem unimpressed with the British accent.  They are more attracted to accents of the more hot-blooded countries – Spain, Brazil, Greece.”

Here are the results of The Comito Study.  The top 15 accents that caused sexual arousal in subjects:

FOR MEN

1. Italian
2. French
3. Spanish
4. Southern
5. Greek
6. Irish
7. Russian
8. Australian
9. Canadian
10. Chinese
11. Swedish
12. Jamaican
13. New Jersey
14. British
15. Dutch

FOR WOMEN

1. Italian
2. Spanish
3. French
4. Greek
5. Irish
6. Dutch
7. Swedish
8. South African
9. Australian
10. Russian
11. Canadian
12. Cuban
13. Southern
14. Hungarian
15. British

Men are slightly more attracted to the British accent than women, but that may be because TV producers regularly give the hot, female lead to British actresses. One researcher,  psychologist  Jacob Vizmans speculated that it may because American men are just growing tired of American women.  His female research partners strongly disagreed with his comments and had him fired from The Comito Study.

One of the Comito researchers, Dr. Linda Masterson said, “For decades British men have been coming to America with the idea that women will just drop their skirts when they hear their accent, and for decades it worked.  But now, American women are turned-off by the accent.”   One subject wrote this on their data form, “I used to like British accents because I used to think of Jude Law and James Bond, but now when I hear it all I think of is bad teeth and oil spills.  Ewww.”   Even though the study was conducted in May of this year, researchers with the Comito Project say that the BP oil spill did not affect the findings.

Dr.  Lisa  Masterson, who is married to a Jamaican set designer said, “The fact is that British accents have become… a bore.”

In general, subjects felt that if you had an accent your chances of having sex were better than if you didn’t.  That word spread quickly on campus and since the study was released, there appears to be a lot more men at the bar with Italian accents.  Hmmm….

The Comito Study is now expanding its research to Europe.  They want to see how effective an American accent is in creating sexual arousal in Europeans.  “It’s not going to be easy, Europeans don’t always respond to an American accent with arousal.”  We look forward to the results.

KRAKOW – Polish politicians appeal to the basic instincts of their constituents to get votes.

There’s a hot new political trend in Poland.  Politicians are making sexy commercials in an attempt to win over voters.

The latest example:

Polish politician Katarzyna Lenart has created a videos in which she strips down to her bra in a bid to draw attention to her party and election campaign.

The video begins with the sexy 23-year-old sitting in a chair wearing a tight black suit. She then uncrosses her legs in a manner reminiscent of the famous Sharon Stone scene in Basic Instinct.

Lenart proceeds to take off her tie and throws it at the camera. Afterwards she spins around on her chair, stands up and pulls off her suit jacket.

Here’s another sexy Polish politician:

Things begin to get really hot and heavy when young politician slowly unbuttons her shirt. She then turns up the temperature by taking it off to reveal a pink bra.

The tease doesn’t end there as the SLD candidate yanks off her bra to show… well… nothing. A censored logo pops up just in time to maintain her modesty.

Lenart said although she was nervous when filming the political advert, she had to draw attention to her party and the election campaign.

‘My intention was to draw the attention of the media. Earlier I presented the youth SLD spot, but apparently went unnoticed,’ she said.

The politician added that there was a hidden message that many viewers were unable to decode.

U.S. Congresswoman, Nancy Pelosi, has seen the video, and many other sexy Polish political ads, and believes U.S. politicians (including herself) will follow the Polish lead.

Here’s Katarzyna Lenart’s video:

NEW YORK -  New polls by Esquire, FHM and People reveal that men consider Adele the sexiest woman alive.

A day after being stealing the show at the Video Music Awards, Adele was voted the Sexiest Woman Alive by three major magazines.

Yes, there are a lot of haters out there that can’t help but mention her weight.  But, her weight doesn’t matter to most men in the world.  ”I don’t care how much she weighs, she looks gorgeous to me.  And when she sings… it’s like an angel is calling me to her,” said Ian Barstow of Tottenham, England.

“I like a woman with curves.  I’m sick of those anorexic models,” said Jack Hillstrom of Chicago, Illinois.

“And she’s happy with her body.  Most woman are so unhappy with their bodies. I love that about Adele,” said Steve Fordham of Boston.

With her hair pulled back — and a signature ponytail traipsed over one shoulder – she looks hot.   “Many men just totally lose it when they meet her,” said Adele’s manager.  ”She gets about forty marriage proposals a day and more than double that want to spend ‘time’ with her.

The 22-year-old singer always looks stunning, with her black eyeliner and voluminous hair turning her into a sex bomb, and insists in the  she isn’t worried about her weight and is happy with how she looks.

“I’m happy with body.  I love my curves,”  Adele said.

“Damn, I love them curves, too,”  said Fred Meester of New York.

Lady Gaga agrees.  ”She’s the sexiest woman, I’ve ever seen.”   And she admires her music.  ”She’s a breath of fresh air and she’s so exciting and her music is adding another dimension to radio that’s so important. She’s a truly lovely person — which, to me, is always my favorite.”

Adele’s breakout hit, “Rolling in the Deep,” from her second album, 21, is the best-selling record of the year so far, but Adele decided to forego performing the ubiquitous hit, and instead she sang the sorrowful song “Someone Like You,” also from that hot-selling album.

So, who would you rather?  Adele:

Or Jessie J?  Voted the hottest woman in the world on crutches:

Or Kreayshawn:

Katy Perry introduced Adele last night.  And here’s the song she sang.  It always makes the men swoon:

KONA, HI –  WWN has confirmed that Megan Fox married Brian Austin Green on June 24th.  WWN also confirmed that she is still a man.

Megan Fox was born Mitchell Reed Fox in Rockwood, Tennessee, and was encouraged by his parents to dress in women’s clothing and to pursue his dream of becoming a supermodel and actress.  Mitchell legally changed his name to Megan in 2003, but his parents still use his birth name.  Darlene Fox told WWN,  “We’re so proud of Mitchell.  He always wanted to become the world’s most beautiful woman and to walk down the aisle in a wedding gown and now… he’s done it!”

Darlene went on to say that she doesn’t’ feel like she’s lost a son, but instead feels she’s gained a daughter and another son.  Megan’s longtime love Green feels like the luckiest guy in the world because he’s gained a wife and a brother on the same day.

Fox and Green started dating in 2004, but split in February 2009 after a two-year engagement – right after Megan announced to the world at the Golden Globes that she was a man.  But within a few months they had reconciled and Green, 36, popped the question again to Fox, 24, on June 1, 2009.  Green said that even though Megan is a man, she is still more beautiful than anyone on the planet and “you have to make compromises in marriage.”  Megan, who still refuses to undergo sexual reassignment surgery, is ecstatic that Green has accepted her and embraced her maleness. “I’m more in love with him now than I was in the beginning.”

Fox wore a plain strapless Giorgio Armani wedding dress – simple, yet elegant.  One guest overheard Fox saying she thought she looked like Alan Alda in her wedding gown. Alda did not attend the wedding, but he did say that Megan looked much better in a wedding gown than did Corporal Klinger from M*A*S*H.  “It’s not easy for a man to look good in a strapless gown, but Megan really pulls it off.”

Rumors that Fox had a 16-foot train put on her gown because she was born with a two foot lizard tail are not true.  The investigative team at Weekly World News proved the Foxtail story to be completely bogus.

The wedding reception at the Four Seasons was a once-in-a-lifetime experience for the intimate group in attendance. Megan gave a humorous and touching Best Man speech, then tossed her garter.  The couple’s first dance was to a new version of the Michael Bolton classic entitled, “When A Man Loves A Woman Who Is A Man.”

Green and Fox met on the set of the sitcom, Hope and Faith, which became their honeymoon mantra.

OLD TOWN SPRING, TX – There’s a new trend in the Christian community – Pole-Dancing for the Lord.

A local Houston gym started a new workout class that has taken the city by storm:  Pole Dancing For Jesus.

It’s a women’s only class that happens once a month and you have to bring your church bulletin to get in.  And there’s no cheating!  You will be quizzed on the contents of your church bulletin.

Once you are in, you will put on your high heels, take off as many clothes as you feel comfortable taking off (the gym recommends wearing only a G-string) and then…let the Pole Dancing begin!

Members of the class, get on the pole and dance erotically to loud Christian rock music. Women are encouraged to develop a positive self-image through the class, celebrating the body God gave them.  And God wants them looking… hot!

POLE FITNESS FOR JESUS!  is how the class is advertised. It meets every second Sunday of the month!  If you speak in tongues, you get in free!  “Come take care of the body the Lord gave you!” is what the gym tells potential class participants.

Sinner are not welcome, unless they Repent on the Pole.

Satan is reportedly upset that there is no Pole Dancing for The Devil class.  Not yet.

Here’s a local Houston news report on the class.

NEW YORK –  Sexy stripper moves can kill!

Strip clubs are not taking this reality lightly. Hundreds of exotic dance clubs have taken action in recent weeks after a man in a New York City strip club died of a heart attack after a private lap dance with – Chastity.

It was a lap dance of death!

The death occurred last month at Frank’s Cabaret on Manhattan’s west side. According to police reports, a 34-year-old banker had the lethal lap dance soon after imbibing in the club’s “Surf and Turf Tuesday” special.

Sources confirm he also had “maybe 3 or 4  Jack and Cokes, nothing crazy.”

According to Joey McNeil, manager at the well-known gentleman’s club, “The guy must have had a pre-existing condition or something. I mean, don’t get me wrong, this girl was cute, but she’s not heart attack cute. Most dudes start breathing heavy and all that. But a freakin’ heart attack? Get outta here! I couldn’t believe it.”

The club’s owners, on the other hand, took the event very seriously.  Strippers across the nation kept their thongs on for a week in honor of the fallen banker.  Clubs also bought multiple defibrillators and now require wait, dance, and security staff to complete CPR training – whether on the pole or off.

“Coco,” a Frank’s dancer, is not happy about the changes. “One minute we’re not supposed to touch a customer’s skin, the next minute I have to give him mouth-to-mouth. Isn’t that what he wants? Men are going to start faking heart attacks left and right. All I know is a guy has got to be blue before I’ll put my lips on his.”

Clubs from Miami to Portland have purchased defibrillators to keep behind the bar in case of  similar incidents. Some customers are requesting Defibrillator Lap Dances, but the strippers are ordered to use them only on the unconscious.

Mickey “Smooth” LaMonte, who owns Club LaMonte in Portland, Oregon said, “Our club is already a heart attack waiting to happen. We got a decent $5.00 steak dinner served all day, every day. Not to mention, the hottest dancers in town.”

“We’d be morons not to get a defibrillator. Me and some of the ladies even learned how to use one. I can’t have nobody dying on me in here. I can’t have people not paying their tabs either, you know what I mean?”

LONDON – The Dracula Fish, who once attacked women in Eastern Europe, has returned!

Detectives reported last night that the Dracula Fish,  who hasn’t been seen anywhere in the world in over fifty years, has been attacking women in the Hyde Park area of London.

The Dracula Fish is a vampire fish:  that is half-human, half-fish.   He is a translucent fish that can exist outside water only at night.  The Dracula Fish first appeared in Romania in the early 1950s, but has not been seen since.  The photographs in this article are from the 1950s.

“We have several dozen women that have been bitten in Hyde Park. They all describe the perpetrator the same way – a man with a fish head, a hot male body, and who bites and sucks their blood,” said Detective Ian Frax of Scotland Yard.”

“We’ve been working on the case for about a year now.  We wanted to make sure that the Dracula Fish did in fact exist and now we have proof.  We’ve analyzed the bite marks and saliva found on the victims and matched the DNA to evidence found in the attacks in Romania in the 1950s,” said Flax. ” It is our duty to alert Londoners that the Dracula Fish is back and women must be alert.”

The Dracula Fish is six feet tall, weighs 180 pounds.  His head is large – about 15 inches high and about 24 inches around. The fish head looks harmless and sweet when its mouth is closed, but it has fangs on both the top and bottom of its jaw.  The teeth are very sharp.

The Dracula Fish comes into London at night and then takes a train back to the sea for the morning.  He sleeps in a coffin at the bottom of the sea.  Here’s a close-up picture of the Dracula Fish in its coffin in 1955.

And here is a picture that was taken by the Navy scuba-divers last week:

Women are advised to stay far away from the Dracula Fish.  “The danger is that the Dracula Fish is quite charming.  Even though he has a fish head, women seemed to be drawn to him,” said Frax.

“He was a real gentleman.  The nicest man I’ve met in years,”  said Fiona Koch, who was bitten several times by the Dracula Fish on October 5th.  “I thought he was going to kiss me, actually I was hoping he was going to kiss me and then… he bit me.  It was terrifying, but I did love it in a way.”

“That’s the danger,” said Frax.  “Women fall for his charm and then are bitten.  It’s very dangerous.”

Women who are bitten do NOT turn into a vampire or a fish.  They just suffer from headaches and depression for several months.  “He puts a spell on them.  Often after they are bitten, they go back to Hyde Park looking for him.”‘

Women, please, if you see the Dracula Fish, do not approach… there are other fish in the sea.

Cebu Airlines has a way to make passengers pay attention to flight safety instructions!

Do you ever listen to the flight instructions when you are on  a plane?  Tsk, tsk…   that’s not a good thing.   What if the plane goes down on the ocean and it’s floating on top of the waves and you need to put that little vest over your head and then walk in an orderly fashion toward the exit while the plane is sinking fast so you can get on that raft and wait to be rescued from the thrashing waves?   Do you know how to do it?

Of course not.  But you better pay attention.  And Cebu Airlines has just the way to get you to do so.

So, put your seat back and tray table in their upright position and get into the groove:

MALIBU -  Surfers at Zuma Beach were shocked to see a mermaid, especially when the mermaid is Halle Berry!

The Malibu High Surfing gang was out early this morning:  smoking weed, eating granola and riding gnarly waves.  After beating up some eleven-year-old tourists who were trying to learn how to surf (“These are OUR waves, dude!”), they came in to tell each other how good they looked in their wet suits.

That’s when Taj Jett (19) saw something big and orange on the shore.  “Dudes, look there’s something big and orange over there.”  The surfers put down their combs and long boards and ran to the edge of the water.  When they got there, their jaws dropped.  “Duuuuuuudes, that’s a chick,” said Nico Bartz (18).  “That’s not just a chick, dude, that’s Halle Berry!” Taj said as he ran around in circles on the sand.

Loka Swenson (17),  introduced herself to Berry and said, “Dude.  Did you know you have fins?”  Halle Berry pulled herself  up.   “I’ve always been a mermaid.  It’s just a little secret of mine.”  A topless Berry than set up on the beach. “Right on,”  said Loka.   “Awesome,” said everybody else.  Taj elbowed Nico in the ribs, pointed at Berry’s breasts and said, “Dude.”

Berry managed to pull her way to the berm and away from the stoned surfers.   In the tall grass she transformed back into… Halle with legs.

Surfer Matthew McConaughey came to the beach.  After beating up several eleven-year-old tourists who were trying to learn how to surf  (“These are OUR waves, dude!”), he went over to talk to Berry.   She told McConaughey that she came ashore in the morning because she was “tired of keeping secrets.  I want everyone to know the truth.”   MConaughey agreed with her and told her, “I got a hair transplant.”

Berry, now back to her full woman form, walked to her Porsche and drove off.  The Malibu High Surfers have been talking about it all day, wondering if they really saw the mermaid Halle Berry or not.   They set a record for saying “dude” in one day.  Ten thousand.

Meanwhile, Matthew McConaughey spent the day in the ocean, trying to turn into a merman.  A merman with a hair transplant.    At last report, he was still… just a man.

Hurricane Chris is working on a new song:  ‘Halle Berry (She’s So Mermaid).”  Here’s the smash YouTube video of Halle dancing to his last song.  Look closely, you can see a little bit of her fin.

Plano, TX – Another sexy Russian, Anna Fermanova, has been arrested in Texas and charged with spying for Russia.

Just weeks after breaking up a Russian spy ring, federal authorities have charged Fermanova with trying to smuggle three night-vision rifle sights into Russia. The sexy 24 year-old was caught with the goggles, worth $15,000, trying to board a Moscow bound flight at JFK Airport.

The Feds took her into custody and “worked her over real good,” said Federal agent Jerry Merkowsky. “We had to stay on her all night, she wouldn’t break.” After Federal agents took turns interrogating Fermanova, she finally broke down.

Fermanova, a budding cosmetologist, said she wanted to take the night-vision goggles back to Russia so that her husband could sell them to hunters.  Apparently, it’s impossible to find decent night-vision equipment in Russia and who better to get the state-of-the-art technology than a graduate of The Ogle School of Hair, Skin and Nails.

Scott Palmer, Fermanova’s lawyer, confirmed that she removed the identifying labels on the scopes and also blacked out the serial numbers.  Fermanova explained, “my husband doesn’t like to look at serial numbers, especially on weapons he sells to hunters. He gets nervous when he sees numbers, that’s all.”

The other sexy Russian spy, 28-year-old Anna Chapman (the “Lady in Red”), was arrested last month in New York and then returned to Russia under a “spy swap exchange.” There is no evidence that the two women knew one another (or had sex with each other), but Federal agents are investigating, looking for video evidence.

Vladimir Putin intends to swap Fermanova for 24-year-old, Alina Kabayeva, a Russian gymnast that Putin was accused of having an affair with. Putin said, “Alina’s body got locked into an odd position when she was chasing a red ball for me and… now she’s no use to Russia. I’m sure Al Gore can figure out something to do with her in America.”   Here is the frozen Alina:

Putin plans on forming a Russian rock band, “The Spy Girls,” with Chapman and Fermanova. He will not only manage the group, but he plans on putting on a pink dress and singing lead.

But he’ll have to wait because Fermanova is currently under house in Texas. She is expected to attend court in New York later this month.

Federal agents now have the daunting task of interrogating all the sexy Russian women in Texas. “We expect to arrest and interrogate dozens of them every day. Our agents will sniff them all out,” said agent Merkowsky.