WASHINGTON, DC – Scott Brown will be sworn in today, ahead of schedule.  CSPAN is expecting the sexiest Senate inauguration ever!

Massachusetts Republican Scott Brown will be sworn into the Senate later today, a week ahead of schedule.  Brown insisted on moving the timetable up, saying “There’s so much that needs to be done for our country.  I can’t wait anymore!  This country has problems, I want to sink my teeth in and get to work.”

Brown won an upset victory to fill the Senate seat left by the late Ted Kennedy.  Since then Republicans have been enamored with their new shining star.   “He’s like a white night,” said one anonymous female Republican, “riding in on his massive stead to save us.  Please, please save us Mr. Brown… Mmm…  Oh!  I’m sorry, what were we saying?”  Planners attempted to have Scott Brown ride in for his inauguration on a white horse, but that would violate zoning ordinances.  Brown may, however, still wear an open poets shirt and leather pants.

“There are problems in the country,” Brown said in a statement.  “These problems are deeply rooted in our system.  As your representative I’m going to do whatever it takes to meet your needs.  The issues are there, buried under mountains of red tape.  But I’m going to get in there, deep inside, and hammer away at these problems until our government makes sense again!”

The Brown Senatorial office is setting records with the number of interns who have applied to work there, and housewives asking if they can volunteer.  Brown has said he will thank everyone that works for his office personally, with chocolates and a signed photo if he can’t be there in person.

Scott Brown’s inauguration will be the most highly attended in recent history.  It will also be the first time in decades a Senator has been sworn in bare chested.  CSPAN has confirmed they will be using a soft focus on all their cameras for the event.

WASHINGTON, DC – The government has been forced to pull back on defense spending.  Secretary of Defense Robert Gates is pulling funding on F22 and Area 51, which is expected to close within the month.  At a press conference on Monday Robert Gates announced his new plan to shift resources from costly weapons systems to the ground campaigns in Iraq and Afghanistan

Area 51 is a top secret government installation in southern Nevada.  It first gained recognition as a secret government testing site in the 1950’s.  Since then it is believed to be where the government tests new and alien technologies.  Most of the new and alien technology Secretary Gates is cutting is expected to be in Area 51.

According to moles within the Pentagon and several anonymous sources reporters met while drinking in the area, weapons being developed by the government may include:

Aging Ray –   Special frequency microwave emitters which dissolve collagen in
the skin causing victims to instantly appear much older.

LactoPack –   A wearable cheese powered propulsion system.  Small, collapsible, but it only ran on expensive imported cheeses.

Gill Men –      Special volunteers from within the US Navy’s seal teams had gills and fins surgically attached to their bodies to aid in tactical maneuverability.  Unfortunately after the 15 million dollar process they would forget their assignments and play with inflatable balls.

H4 Prime –     Derived from alien technology this was a Hummer 4 series that could turn into a large anthropomorphic robot.  Once it was made self-aware however the robot proved to be self absorbed and irresponsible and cost far more than it was worth.  Efforts have been made to sell the H4 Prime to the Japanese, but currently it refuses to leave its room.

Secretary of Defense Gates insists that programs like these are an unnecessary drain on the military budget, and is pulling the plug on all similar research.

Area 51, we here at the Weekly World News wish you a fond farewell.  Thanks for the memories.

PHOENIX, AZ – After losing the 2008 presidential election by nearly 200 electoral votes and nearly six percent of the popular vote, Senator John McCain is understandably in very low spirits.

Before the polls even closed on the West Coast and the Big Sky states, PhD Ape was on a plane from New York, where he was counseling Guy Ritchie, to Arizona.

“John McCain will wake up tomorrow with a headache the likes he has never experienced,” PhD Ape told reporters at JFK International Airport in New York before boarding a plane.

“He has months and months worth of regrettable decisions all weighing down on his shoulders.  He will be reviewing all of those decisions, thinking ‘what if?’  It’s a very difficult time in a politicians life.”

PhD Ape has previously counseled failed politicians Barry Goldwater in 1964 and Al Gore in 2000.

“Fortunately the holidays are coming up.  It will be welcome distraction for John, and he has the next 2 months to come to terms with his failures,” PhD Ape told reporters waiting his arrival in Phoenix.

“By the time he returns to the Senate in the new year, John will be a confident, powerful leader in the Senate.   But it will take weeks and weeks of counseling.”

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – Angels and demons have quietly entered into peace talks, thanks to Senator John McCain!

“Just a decade ago, a peace pact between Heaven and Hell would have been unthinkable,” says Presidential nominee Senator McCain. “But in this era, we’ve seen many implacable foes, like Democrats and Republicans, sit down at the bargaining table to settle their differences.

“Of course, this won’t be a cakewalk. The two camps remain miles apart on many issues – and there’s a lot of bad blood and distrust. But I have a lot of experience with that,” he explained.

Preliminary talks got underway six weeks ago between Earthly representatives of the two sides – with negotiators from the Catholic Church sitting opposite agents of the International Church of Lucifer.

“These meetings paved the way for bargaining sessions between heavenly seraphim and second-tier demons, in which key points of the peace plan have been hammered out,” a source revealed.

“But when the first ‘sit-down’ between the Archangel Michael and Satan’s chief lieutenant Beelzebub could not be negotiated, we had to call in the big guns.”

Senator McCain, well known for his bipartisan work in the Senate, was able to get the talks going again. “I mean, if I can reach across the aisle to Democrats, reaching out to demons couldn’t be all that bad,” he laughed.

“There’s certainly been a lot of haggling,” Senator McCain revealed. “Both teams have been trying to sneak loopholes into the document.

“This is truly a case where the Devil is in the details.”

Senator McCain’s supernatural support has been growing. If these negotiations go through, he will have not only the afterlife representatives, but fellow cyborgs and some alien races. However, Senator Barack Obama has garnered the favor of highly influential mutants and extraterrestrials.

Which contingency will be the most influential on November 4th?

UPDATE: At a pivotal moment in the nation’s history, America’s newest Deputy Treasury Secretary, Bat Boy, was nowhere to be found. This revelation sent shockwaves through the market and Washington D.C. on Monday.

Where was Bat Boy? He had scurried off to see his favorite band, Vampire Weekend, play a secret show in Brooklyn on Saturday night. He watched and devoured mosquitoes while the nation burned.

09/29/08
The lower house of the U.S. Congress has voted down the rescue plan to bail out Wall Street. Henry Paulson has called on Bat Boy to persuade those in the House of Representatives who rejected it to move the plan forward.

Bat Boy seemed confident that a bounty of mosquitoes and his collection of bird skulls will do the trick.

09/25/08 – A financial crisis has been averted!

WASHINGTON, DC – Henry Paulson has proposed Bat Boy to be Deputy Treasury Secretary of the U.S. Treasury. The Senate is understandably skeptical of this recommendation.

“I mean, people are saying Sarah Palin isn’t qualified enough to be Vice-President, and she’s a governor! This bailout boy lives in a cave!”, exclaimed an unnamed Senator. He wished to remain anonymous, for fear of mutant backlash.

Paulson’s reasoning?

While experimenting in his cave, Bat Boy discovered a rare form of guano left by his fellow bats. This peak guano is such an effective form of alternative energy, the government will be able to sell it as an oil -alternative domestically and abroad for a tidy profit, thus covering the $1 trillion dollar cost of bailing out the financial system.

Paulson also stated, “Bailout Boy will not require lavish executive pay or even a hefty bonus. Bat Boy has asked to be compensated entirely in mosquitoes–an abundant commodity that we are happy to be unloading at this time.”