LAS VEGAS – Early voting has assured victory for Harry Reid in next week’s midterm elections.

Election workers in Nevada, primarily members of the Service Employees International Union, have been counting the early votes and have announced that Harry Reid has defeated Sharron Angle to keep his seat in the Senate.  They have certified his victory.  It’s official.

This year has seen a large percentage of voters going to the polls early in Nevada.  In 2008, 571,000 Nevadans voted in the election.  This year, SEIU, reports that 300,000 voters in Nevada have voted early and that 58% of those votes have been for Harry Reid.   This makes it virtually impossible for Sharron Angle to overcome Reid’s lead next week.

There have been numerous voter fraud reports in the last week coming out of Nevada.  In particular, a number of early votes said that when they went into the voting machine Harry Reid’s name was already checked and they couldn’t change it.

“Nonsense,” said Sal Gravado of SEIU.  “We’ve checked and re-checked those machines. They are working fine.”

There were also reports that there were over 50,000 votes from illegal immigrants, many of whom don’t even live in Nevada.  “We can’t disenfranchise illegal immigrants. They have the same rights as all Americans, and we want them to vote,” said a representative for Harry Reid.

Nevada election officials are considering cancelling next week’s election.  “We might not need the “late voters” to vote at all.  Senator Reid is a shoo-in, it’s best if he go back to work and get busy fundamentally changing our country,” said Reid aide William Workman.

President Obama flew to Nevada last night for the a victory party for Harry Reid:

“All the pundits were predicting that Harry was going to lose, but I knew he would win, and I made sure it happened,” said President Obama to a massive crowd of SEIU workers.  “Now, we just gotta get the Republicans to sit quietly in the back of the car, put them in a baby seat and shove  bottles of pablum in their mouths.  I’m going to drive this country and I don’t need any more whining from the babies in the back.”

Republicans were furious that Nevada election officials already certified Reid as the winner.   “If they keep this up, I’m going to throw them out of the car,” said Obama.  “And then when they’re out of the car, I’m going to run them over – several times.  This is MY car.”

Harry Reid was happy to be declared the winner.  “It just goes to show you that we know how to get things done in Nevada.   Las Vegas has a long history of getting things done the right way… and they did it again.

Senator Harry Reid – back for another six years.

WASHINGTON – The Senate voted 60-40 on Tuesday to move forward with buying new houses and cars for all unemployed Americans.

The Senate originally was voting on a bill that would reauthorize unemployment benefits for the long-term jobless, 2.5 million of whom have missed checks since the end of May.

But Senator Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) said that it did not go far enough.  “We have families who can barely afford the bare necessities; we can’t just sit back and let them suffer.  It’s time  for us to give the people what they really need – new houses and new cars.”

President Obama appointed Kenneth Feinberg the Special Master in charge of The Great House and Car Give-Away.  Feinberg was in charge of the September 11th Victim Fund and is in charge of allocating the disbursement of the $20 billion that BP has given to those who are suffering from the oil spill.  He’s looking forward to “making people happy.”

“Cold-blooded” Republicans tried to filibuster the bill, but Democrats pushed it through.  When asked how the Democrats intended to buy houses and cars for the unemployed Reid said, “We needed to pass the bill first, then we will figure out how we will implement it.”  Senator Chris Dodd had a novel suggestion, “Let’s print more money!”  This idea was met with loud applause by the Democrats and the Republicans, well it looks like they’ll all be losing their houses and cars.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said, “We can’t just talk about redistributing wealth as an abstract concept, we actually have to do it and need to use direct redistribution to accomplish our goals.”  The direct redistribution means that Democrats will be seizing houses and cars from the wealthy and giving them to the unemployed.

One unemployed bus driver, Chuck Bench (45), said, “This is a miracle.  I never thought I’d ever be able to own a car OR a house and now… I’m gonna have both.  For free.  I’ve achieved the American Dream!”  Chuck wept, but so did his Uncle Larry, a wealthy trial lawyer who was ordered to give his house and car to Chuck.

In related news, the Obama Administration is considering giving the unemployed an extra $10,000 in October and are promising some “very special goodies” on Election Day.

TONOPAH, NEVADA — Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has decided to work for a male brothel in Nevada, part of a new campaign strategy “to serve all Nevada voters.”

Senator Harry Reid is in a tough re-election battle with Tea Party Candidate Sharron Angle.  The latest Rasmussen poll shows Angle with a 46% to 43% lead over Reid.  So Reid is pulling out all the stops to win over Nevada voters.

The Shady Lady Ranch is located 31 miles north North of Beatty, and their motto is “a Gem in the High Desert.”   In January of this year, The Shady Lady hired the 25-year-old “Markus,” Nevada’s first male prostitute.  Markus, a former porn actor said he didn’t “discriminate based on race, color, creed, ethnicity, or skin tone.”  He did leave out gender. The 71-year-old liberal Reid said he would not prevent any registered voter from using his services.  He also said that his experience ramming bills through Congress would help him get in the mood for the job.

In March of this year, Markus quit The Shady Lady because he only had ten paying customers over the two-month period.  Senator Reid is confident he will “crush” Markus’s record.

Senator Reid will be working at the Shady Lady during the August recess.  Bobbi Davis, who co-owns the brothel with her husband, said that Senator Reid has already booked thirty-three clients.  Reid, who will be going by the name Phil Buster when at the ranch, has already been trained by his co-workers – Rio, Angel, Veronica and Sadie.

The Reid campaign was thrilled to make this announcement because just yesterday they lost the vote of a dead woman.   It was disappointing because the deceased typically vote heavily for Democrats.  The family of the recently deceased Charlotte McCourt, an 84-year-old Nevada woman who was once a supporter of  Reid, and helped in his election bids, followed her wishes and urged Nevadans not to vote for Reid in the upcoming election.  The obituary read, “Please, in lieu of flowers, vote for another more worthy candidate.”

Reid hopes that he can win over all  sexually active  Nevadans and is confident that his stint at Shady Lady as a gigolo will help propel him to victory.  If he fails to perform up to expectations, he intends to blame it on George W. Bush.  When Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was told of Harry Reid’s plan and asked if she would be stopping by to support him in his efforts, the Speaker ran screaming from the Capitol.   She is currently listed as “missing.”

Here is Price Sheet for Phil Buster (Reid).

40 minutes $200.00
40 minutes with the lights on $500.00
One hour $300.00
One hour with the lights on $650.00
Two hours $500.00
Two hours with the lights on $1,000.00

Couples parties starting at $1,200.00 an hour. One hour minimum.

Over night stay starting at $3,500.00

Viagra not included.

Registered Republicans please note that prices will be doubled.

Sharron Angle has already declined an offer for “free” services.  Here is Reid’s first booked client.  Misty:

]]> http://weeklyworldnews.com/politics/19112/harry-reid-joins-male-brothel/feed/ 20 amosaya reid_shady4 busty_woman1 http://weeklyworldnews.com/topstory/3779/phd-ape-flies-to-liebermans-side/ http://weeklyworldnews.com/topstory/3779/phd-ape-flies-to-liebermans-side/#comments Wed, 12 Nov 2008 10:20:50 +0000 Samuel T. Westbrook http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/?p=3779 ]]>

STAMFORD, CT – In the midst of helping John McCain grieve, PhD Ape took a red-eye flight Monday night to be with Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman.

Lieberman, an Independent who caucuses with Senate Democrats, met with Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid of Nevada last week to discuss the status of Lieberman’s two committee chairmanships.  It is widely believed that Lieberman will be stripped of those chairmanships as punishment for endorsing John McCain and campaigning aggressively against now President-Elect Barack Obama.

“Joe made a very difficult choice,” PhD Ape said in a prepared statement before boarding his plane.  “He caucuses with the Democrats in the Senate, but the people of Connecticut elected him as an Independent.  Joe loves the Senate and cherishes his leadership roles on two very important committees.  This is a very difficult time for him.”

PhD Ape is expected to spend the next few weeks shuttling between Connecticut and Arizona as he counsels Lieberman and McCain.

Asked if he thought he would be spending any time in Washington DC or Texas with lame-duck President Bush, PhD Ape replied, “I don’t think so.  I have a feeling President Bush doesn’t have any mixed feelings about leaving Washington behind and returning to a quieter life in Texas.”

WASHINGTON, DC – After the stress of finalizing the bailout plan for the nation’s distressed financial institutions, the U.S. Senate took a break and awarded John McCain an honorary Miss Congeniality Award.

“He kept mentioning that he hadn’t won Miss Congeniality again in his speeches.  When he repeated it during the debate last week, I took the hint and whipped up a proposal,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D – Nev.)  Senate Bill S.4102 passed 51-36-13 in favor of bestowing McCain, a 22-year veteran of the Senate, with the accolade.  McCain has refused to remove the tiara since the ceremony, even though he has set back out on the campaign trail.