Republicans leaders in Washington don’t care if their blood type matches Ronald Reagan’s, they want some of his blood in their bodies!  And they are paying a hefty price to get some of the Reagan blood.

An auction for vials  containing President Reagan’s blood has been more successful than organizers could ever have imagined, according to sources who know officials at his presidential foundation.

The vials were originally planned to  be donated to the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library, but leaders such as John Boehner, Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell, Eric Cantor and a host of other Republicans and talk show hosts (Sean Hannity, Mark Levin) wanted the blood themselves and have scooped up all the vials – for a hefty price.

The consignor, who bought the vial at another auction back in February for $3,550, agreed to call off the auction and donate the vial instead. The donor wishes to remain anonymous, the Reagan Foundation said.

Republicans hope that by having Reagan’s blood in them, they will be even closer to the 40th President and can tell constituents that they have “Reagan in my blood.”

Here’s three happy Reagan blood receipients:

Conservatives around the country have been calling non-stop to get their hands on some of the Reagan blood, believing that if they can get even one drop in their body, then they can become as great a leader as Reagan, whom they consider to be the greatest President that ever lived – anywhere.

So, hurry!  Get some of Reagan blood, before there’s not a drop of it left in this country!

NEW CANAAN, CT – Glenn Beck announced yesterday that he will be taking his controversial talk-show to China – permanently!

According to inside sources, Chinese media giant CCTV offered Glenn Beck a $3 billion dollar/year contract to move his show to China.

“We believe the Chinese people will embrace Beck’s love of government and respect for authority,” said Jin Yao, VP of Social Relations at CCTV. “He is an expert fearmonger and a skilled propagandist. The People’s Republic of China can only benefit from his scare tactics and fanaticism.”

Representatives from Glenn Beck’s television show, The Glenn Beck Program, say that the deal has already been finalized, and that Beck and his family have already purchased a home in Beijing.

“Glenn Beck is excited for the move,” said Alexandra Dumascis, Beck’s publicist. “He can’t wait to take his political extremism overseas and help the people of China become patriotic, red-blooded Communists.”

“He’s already brushing up on his Mandarin!” she added.

However, not everyone at Fox News shares in Beck’s excitement.

“Glenn Beck is a hypocrite,” said Fox personality Sean Hannity. “He’s violating all of his principles by selling out to China. How can he call himself an American?”

Others were less subtle.

“Glenn Beck is a Commie!” said Bill O’Reilly. “I always knew he’d betray his country sooner or later. All it took was the right amount of cash.”

“Glenn Beck, you are a disgrace to America!” added O’Reilly.

According to police reports, thousands of fans from across the country have taken to the streets in protest.

“We want to let Glenn Beck know that he’s a disgrace to American conservatism!” said Wendell Yastrimski, who organized a protest outside of Beck’s Connecticut home. “He’s a sell out and he should be ashamed of himself!”

Glen Beck refused to comment to major media outlets about his decision to defect. However, he did make a private call to the Weekly World News office to explain his motives.

“$3 billion dollars is a lot of money,” said Beck. “You’d have to be a complete idiot to turn down that much dough. The American people can complain all they want, but the truth is: I’d sell my soul to the devil for $3 billion bucks!”

NEW YORK  – Fox News today fired the hosts of Fox & Friends and replaced them with chimps.

Fox & Friends is going bananas!  Out go the monkeys, in come the chimps.

Why did Fox News toss aside their morning hosts like a used banana peel?

Jetpacks.

The hosts of Fox News morning show, Fox & Friends, reported that Los Angeles is going to spend $1 billion on jetpacks that can fly a person up to 63 miles per hour and soar to heights of 8,000 feet.

The hosts of the show – Steve Doocy, Brian Kilmeade and Gretchen Carlson – took credit for the story, but everyone in the nation knows that it was broken right here by WWN’s own, Frank Lake.

After doing a story about glazed donuts and how terrorists were using them to make people in New York City constipated, the hosts spent a half-hour talking about the jetpacks.  Their reportage was filled with gaping holes including Kilmeade making a wild claim about LAPD Helicopters.

Kilmead said, “”It’s a bloodbath up there.  Police choppers are shooting down Jetpack Law Enforcement Officers in the skies over L.A.”  Kilmeade then spent five minutes making “machine gun sounds” with his mouth.

Replaced by Chimps

Roger Ailes, President of Fox News Channel couldn’t take his moronic morning hosts anymore, so he fired them late last night.  Ailes wanted to hire Rick Sanchez to host Fox & Friends, but realized that Sanchez doesn’t have friends anymore.

Ailes came up with yet another brilliant “casting” idea… he hired 3 chimpanzees to take the place of the three fired hosts.

“I decided we should stick to our brand and hire hosts with underdeveloped frontal lobes,” Ailes said.

Ailes did a test show with the three chimps in front of a live audience.  “The audience couldn’t tell the difference. The audience thought the chimps had more intelligent things to say than Doocy, Kilmeade and Carlson – combined,” said Ailes.

To promote the new show with the three chimp hosts, Fox is bringing out the heavy guns this morning to sit on the Fox & Friends’ couch.  Bill O’Reilly will discuss his new book, Foxes on Fox,  Sean Hannity will be discussing President Obama’s bathing habits and Glenn Beck will explain to the chimps how evolution is nothing but a Progressive plot to take money and freedom away from all human beings – even the ones on Mars.

Kilmeade, Doocy and Carlson are still hosting their show in the backyard of Doocy’s New Jersey home.  “Our kids love us,”  Doocy said.

As for the chimps… they plan on taking over Fox News primetime by January 1, 2011.

NEW YORK – Bedbugs in New York have formed a militia and are targeting CNN.

CNN has alerted all its employees about bed bugs that seem to be targeting CNN and their employees.  The bed bugs were originally found in the Time Warner Center in New York City, but they have also been found in CNN offices in Atlanta and New York City.

Bed Bugs normally do not carry disease, but these bed bugs seem to affect news gathering, news reporting and news commentary. CNN has known of the problem for months, but they just released the information to the public.

Bed Bug attacks leave the victim babbling incoherently, searching for words and causing temporary brain seizures.  The seizures supposedly cause temporary moron-itis.

For some reason, the bed bugs have not attacked Larry King at all.  When asked what he thought about this, King said, “Hello, Milwaukee!”

The bed bug attack has baffled Pest Control Specialists.  Tom Hillstrom, a bed bug exterminator told WWN, “I’ve never seen this before in my twenty years of killing pests.  These bed bugs formed an army and are going right after CNN employees.  Something ain’t right.  But I’ll find out.”  Hillstrom later entered CNN offices… and has not been seen since.  Was he another victim of the Bed Bug Militia?

There’s rampant speculation that these are not just ordinary bed bugs. CNN president, Jon Klein, said “these are genetically engineered bed bugs, that also have a robotic component.”  Asked how would create such pests, Klein simply answered, “Roger Ailes.”

After the disappearance of Jon Klein, the rest of CNN employees have join the chorus of voices blaming Fox News for the bed bug attack. “Ridiculous,” said Roger Ailes.  “CNN is looking for any reason to explain away their terrible ratings.  This bed bug conspiracy is a joke.”  WWN did later find two boxes labeled, “BB Militia” in Ailes car.  Ailes later said the BB stood for “Bill and Beck.”

Fox News has used other pests to take down CNN:  Beck, Hannity and O’Reilly.

MSNBC employees are also blaming these bed bugs for their dismal ratings, though there have been no sightings of bed bugs in any MSNBC office, anywhere.

Anderson Cooper and Rick Sanchez are currently in the hospital with Bedbugoria. They are expected to be released in the next few days, and should be back to full strength, though CNN’s ratings may never fully recover.

WASHINGTON, DC – 35 Republican senators voted against a defense bill that included hate crime legislation. They claim it was based on cuts in anti-zombie spending.

“This bill would have put our nations homes and schools in grave danger!”  Georgia Representative Saxby Chambliss said to cheers from fellow Republicans.  “Our great nation cannot afford to gut our zombie defense spending.  And that is exactly what the Democrats would have us do.”

When asked if they voted against the bill because it also contained legislation making violence based on sexual orientation a federal crime the Republicans got very quiet and murmured awkwardly for nearly a minute.  “Zombies are threatening America!” shouted one Senator from the back, and the rest quickly joined in.

Sean Hannity had financial expert Arthur Zweigg on his show to talk about the bill:  “Frankly, Sean, I didn’t see any evidence of cuts to Zombie protection spending.”
“Why do you hate America?”
“Excuse me?  I don’t-”
“You want Zombies to crash through our windows and destroy America.  By supporting this bill, you’re supporting Zombies.  So you must hate America!”

Zombie outbreaks are a growing fear in the country right now.  With our still weak economy and flu season around the corner the nation’s people and infrastructure are particularly vulnerable.  The Obama administration has promised an overhaul to the country’s Zombie Outbreak policy, however the Democrats have yet to come up with an effective strategy to deal with the zombie threat.

Republicans continue to avoid accusation that their denial of the bill was related to its support of gay rights.  Most quickly change the subject to a popular talking point or other rhetorical device.  When cornered in a mens room on capital hill Saxby Chambliss stopped washing his hands and jumped out a window, screaming “No comment!” on the way down.  Senator Chambliss received no major injuries from the incident.

SACRAMENTO, CA – Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has come forward saying he backs health care reform.

Governor of California Schwarzenegger is the most recent of a handful of Republicans to come forward in support of health care reform. While most other Republicans who have crossed the aisle to support the proposal have met with serious criticism from their party, Schwarzenegger said if anyone objects they can “take it outside.”

“My state is facing a budget crisis.  I don’t even get health insurance anymore.  Last week I got sick, no way!  This system does not work!”  Schwarzenegger said this to great applause.

“There are those within my party who would say that what I am doing is wrong.  To them I say: Bring it!  What are you going to do Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell?  Give me a talking to?  I could bench press you!  Bring it on Fox News!  Sean Hannity I will make you cry in front of your mother!  My state is poor, people!  And if you don’t like it, you can take it up with Mr. T-800 and Conan the Destroyer.”  He said this while holding up both of his fists.

Mr. Schwarzenegger’s support of the bill has yet to be formally acknowledged by the Republican powers that be.  Insider sources confirm that they are scared to criticize him.

LOS ANGELES – Last night the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences held the 2009 Emmy Awards.  Weekly World News was on hand at the illustrious event.

Television’s brightest stars were shining their brightest last night for the annual television awards ceremony.  Like every year, only a small fraction of the awards given out are televised by the major networks.

Barbara Walters won for “Outstanding Geriatric Actress in a Comedy” for her role in “The Secret Life of Moishe.”  In the HBO series she stars as a resident of a retirement community who is having an affair with her neighbor’s grandson, played by Jon Hamm.  After the ceremony the two posed for pictures together.  What started with a posed peck on the cheek for the cameras quickly turned into intense making out by Hamm and Walters.  They left in a limousine together and reportedly arrived late to their after party.

“Best Children’s Series” went to Yo-Gabba-Gabba.  Producers of the show thanked all the parents and stoners who made their success possible.

Understandably the award for “Outstanding Pundit” was hotly contested.  Sean Hannity took the award for his coverage of the Tea Party protests.  During his speech all the other nominees repeatedly shouted out derogatory remarks.  Between interruptions Hannity thanked “Jesus, my producers, God for making the greatest most free-est country in the world, ever.  Amen.”  Industry newcomer Glenn Beck won an award for “Televised Accomplishment by a Mentally Challenged Person.”

Competition was also fierce this year for “Outstanding Adaptation of a Romance Novel.”  Nora Roberts had seven short films this year that could have been considered, however last month she got into a fistfight with the head of the selection committee and her body of work was disqualified.  The nominees included “Midnight on the Bayou,” “Romance on the Bounty,” and “The Bandits of Sherwood.”  But the top honors went do “Decadence: a True Story,” which was written by Diablo Cody after a bad breakup.  All of the nominees were broadcast on the Lifetime network.

Bear Grylls won an environmental consciousness award for repeatedly drinking his own urine.  Taking the stage he said ” I do this, to save water. I do this, for our grandkids. I do this, for the planet. Thank you.”

]]> http://weeklyworldnews.com/celebs/11933/emmy-winners-2009/feed/ 1 Reginald Cunningham III emmy_winners_2009 http://weeklyworldnews.com/politics/8841/obama-promises-600000-jobs/ http://weeklyworldnews.com/politics/8841/obama-promises-600000-jobs/#comments Tue, 09 Jun 2009 14:21:04 +0000 Reginald Cunningham III http://weeklyworldnews.com/?p=8841 ]]>

WASHINGTON, DC – In an interview Monday, President Barack Obama restated his promise to create 600,000 new jobs by the end of summer.  The President is using Craigslist to fill the positions.

Monday evening dozens of posts went up on the popular site Craigslist advertising for jobs to be filled.  One telling post sent the call out for 5,000 gardeners in the Washington DC area.  Similar posts on Craigslist across the country requested 10,000 maids, 15,000 janitors, 5,000 laundry ladies, and 30,000 old-timey news boys to be stationed in major cities around the country to sell papers and shout headlines on street corners.

White House aides refuse to give specifics on what the employees would do once hired, saying only, “We’ll find something for them.”  Various odd jobs around the DC area will be used to help the President fill out his workforce and keep his promises.  Insiders suggest that the White House will finally get the white picket fence, and fix the leak in the garage that they have been meaning to get around to.

Other, more discreet, posts that connect to the White House accounts call for “Economists who can fix this mess,” “Anyone willing to pimp-slap Sean Hannity,” and “a Soda Jerk who can pass a Secret Service background check.”

NEW YORK, NY – In an interview on Fox News, former Vice President Dick Cheney admitted that “there was never any evidence Iraq was involved in 9-11.”

This news comes as a complete shock to America and people around the world.  For the past 6 years, Vice President Cheney led the chorus stating it was an irrefutable fact that Iraq was linked to the 9/11 attacks.  The world stands in awe as one of the foundational beliefs of the last decade has been shattered.

Crisis counselors were immediately called into the Fox News headquarters.  Sean Hannity broke down in tears before locking himself in a closet for several hours. Richard Cheney said that with the Iraq war in its 6th year, it was finally a good time for the truth to come out.

Cheney also went on to definitively state that there is no Santa Claus, no Easter Bunny, no Tooth Fairy, and Elmo is “just an annoying piece of felt with a guys hand up its rear.”    Citizens of the world are equally shocked to hear dearly held beliefs are also untrue.  After refuting the Iraq/9-11 connection on Fox News, the former Vice President wishes to go to elementary schools to tell children there is no Santa.  Dozens of elementary and preschools across the country have been added to his public speaking tour.

Detailing the nature of his youth audience speeches, Cheney said he plans on having a Mall Santa on stage that he will punch out and strip of his Santa outfit in front of the children.  “’No magic here, kids!’ I think that will be an eye-opening moment for a lot of children.”  He hopes to end the presentations by taking an Elmo doll off the hand of a puppeteer and putting it in a blender.  “Then the kids can see it’s just felt and crap.”

Requests to book the “Iraq was never connected to 9-11, and also there’s no Santa” speaking tour by Dick Cheney can be made through his website.

Mother’s Day is upon us and, like every year, it has snuck up without warning. Now is the time for progeny throughout the country to find something at the last minute to tell our mothers we think about them when holidays tell us to.  Below are some of Weekly World News best suggestions for last minute Mothers Day gifts.

Shrunken Head – Scares away pesky neighborhood kids and makes a great conversation piece!

Monkey’s Paw – Give her the gift that keeps on giving.  At least three times anyway.  Three wishes will be hers with a genuine monkey’s paw.  Guessing how the paw will distort her wishes to teach a moral lesson is half the fun!

William Shatner – What better way is there to say “Thank you for bringing me into the world” than William Shatner.  For the right price you can rent out the original Captain Kirk for a day, where he will serenade your mother with a song, his free verse poetry, or wine and dine her with his famous Shatner-Charm.  (We are not responsible for any negative effects caused by knowing your mom was woo’ed William Shatner)

President Obama Commemorative Dishes – Either display them proudly to remember his historic inauguration, or teabag his image nightly to show your dissent.

Frosty Mugs – There’s nothing Moms love better than a tall frosty beer after a hard days work.  Take these out of the freezer and say, “Mom, it’s your day.  You should drink more.”

Hunky Men of Conservatism Calendar – See all your favorites-Michael Steele, Sean Hannity, Bobby Jindal, and Rush Limbaugh-posing as Firemen, Ranch Hands, and other blue-collar Americana jobs in this spicy calendar.

Browning 9mm Semi-Automatic Pistol – Help Mom be ready for the coming zombie apocalypse with this high rated semi-automatic hand gun.  Also useful if she’s in a sub-par nursing facility.

Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome – What mothers don’t love this movie?  The special edition comes with its own Tina Turner wig she can wear around the house.

A Date with Bat Boy – America’s favorite mutant has his bow tie and a handful of fresh picked flowers ready to go for the right mother this weekend.  Send in your requests in the comments section below, and the best comment will win the opportunity to send their mother on a date with Bat Boy.  He promises to be a perfect gentleman and treat one lucky mother to an evening of hand holding and sunsets she’ll never forget.