UPDATE – The killer crustacean has finally been identified as George the giant lobster’s son!

Last September, Weekly World News reported on a giant lobster that attacked an innocent diver. The lobster was never found, but recently a 140-year old lobster was released back into the wild after living at the City Crab and Seafood restaurant in New York City.

Weekly World News was able to speak to George for a moment before he departed into the waters off Boothbay Harbor, Maine. In a heavy New England accent, George admitted, “Yeah, that boy was unfortunately my son. I say was ‘cos we ain’t speakin’ no more. I ain’t got no problem with the humans – they let me come back to my home and everythin’. I could not abide by his actions, and he was officially disowned!”

George then slipped off the bow of the boat and disappeared into the waves. Will George’s disapproval stop his son from striking again?

September 4, 2008

Colossal mutations declare war on humans, warns scientist!

The great white shark and the giant squid are no longer the most fearsome predators lurking in the world’s oceans.

Their place as the primo monster of the deep has been taken by a mutant strain of enormous lobsters — and one scientist fears the mammoth creatures are waging a bloody war of vengeance against human beings.

In the second such incident ever recorded — the first was reported by Weekly World News in 2002 — a diver barely escaped with his life after being attacked by one of the lobsters off the coast of Maine last month.

Mark Lagrange was diving near Kennebunkport — the site of the 2002 attack and the summer home of former president George H.W. Bush — when the aggressive shellfish sprung without warning and grabbed him around the torso with its powerful pincers.

“I was minding my own business, swimming around and looking at the sea life, when I felt a searing pain,” Lagrange says. “I looked around and saw my blood gushing into the ocean and this humongous lobster hanging onto me.

“It shook me like a rag doll. I thought I was going to break in half!

“All I could think of was the times I’ve eaten lobster — boiled, broiled, steamed, grilled. “I realized it was payback time. This giant lobster was going to eat me!”

Lagrange managed to free himself from the lobster’s vise-like grip in the nick of time. He swam to the surface, where his diving companions pulled him into their boat and applied a tourniquet to his gashed leg.

Marine biologist Henrietta Newman performed the autopsy on the lobster originally found in 2002 and stated, “What I found truly shocked me. Apart from its freakish size — it was 30 feet long and weighed 587 pounds — I discovered brain abnormalities that are cause for genuine alarm.

“Lobsters are very primitive creatures. Normally their brains — if you can even call them that — are the size of a grain of rice. But this lobster’s brain was as big as that of a 4-year-old child.

“Even more disturbing, it had a prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that deals with cognition, planning and regulating social behavior. This lobster had the ability to think and plot revenge.

“Some kind of rapid evolution is going on in the lobster world. And it’s not a stretch of the imagination to theorize that these creatures are sick and tired of ending up on our dinner plates.

“I think they’re plotting a revolution and plan to pick us humans off one by one. I strongly urge everyone to stay out of the water to avoid becoming lobster feed.”

ALTURAS, CA – A frazzled, young government researcher says she’s sick and tired of caring for the baby Bigfoot who was captured by scientists – because the squalling, rambunctious furball is a brat!

“I thought being mom to a newborn Bigfoot would be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity – but I had no idea what I was getting into,” admits zoologist Dr. Megan Dulowsky.

“The Bigfoot cub, whose name is Jethro, is a little monster. He’s bitten me dozens of times hard enough to draw blood; he’ll grab my hair and swing on it like an ape; if his formula isn’t exactly right, he’ll spit it in my face, and… and he throws poop at me!” she confessed, eyes welling with tears of frustration.

“He’s frighteningly strong – when a doctor tried to take his temperature, Jethro grabbed the man’s arm and broke it like a twig. To be frank, I just can’t take this anymore!”

The amazing cub first came to light in August, when a ranger revealed that he’d been found in Yellowstone National Park.  The scientists needed someone to care for the furry newborn, who must be nursed from a bottle – and 31-year-old Dr. Dulowsky, who lives alone on a remote ranch outside Alturas, seemed like the natural choice.

“When they asked for a volunteer to look after Jethro, I jumped at the chance,” she said. But after two months of riding herd over the frisky creature, the lady scientist admits she’s ready to throw in the towel.

Dr. Dulowsky says she’s under strict orders from the Interior Department not to talk about the Bigfoot baby. But she felt violating the gag order was vital for Jethro’s welfare. “I cannot take care of Jethro, and neither can any other human,” she said.

“He should be returned to his natural mom as soon as possible!”

Have you seen Big Momma? E-mail Sarah Haddad at writers@wwnzone.com and let us know!

Colossal mutations declare war on humans, warns scientist!

The great white shark and the giant squid are no longer the most fearsome predators lurking in the world’s oceans.

Their place as the primo monster of the deep has been taken by a mutant strain of enormous lobsters — and one scientist fears the mammoth creatures are waging a bloody war of vengeance against human beings.

In the second such incident ever recorded — the first was reported by Weekly World News in 2002 — a diver barely escaped with his life after being attacked by one of the lobsters off the coast of Maine last month.

Mark Lagrange was diving near Kennebunkport — the site of the 2002 attack and the summer home of former president George H.W. Bush — when the aggressive shellfish sprung without warning and grabbed him around the torso with its powerful pincers.

“I was minding my own business, swimming around and looking at the sea life, when I felt a searing pain,” Lagrange says. “I looked around and saw my blood gushing into the ocean and this humongous lobster hanging onto me.

“It shook me like a rag doll. I thought I was going to break in half!

“All I could think of was the times I’ve eaten lobster — boiled, broiled, steamed, grilled. “I realized it was payback time. This giant lobster was going to eat me!”

Lagrange managed to free himself from the lobster’s vise-like grip in the nick of time. He swam to the surface, where his diving companions pulled him into their boat and applied a tourniquet to his gashed leg.

While speeding him to a hospital on shore, they radioed the Coast Guard, who captured and killed the crazed crustacean and brought the creature’s massive body to the lab of marine biologist Henrietta Newman.

“I personally performed a necropsy on the lobster and what I found truly shocked me,” the scientist says. “Apart from its freakish size — it was 30 feet long and weighed 587 pounds — I discovered brain abnormalities that are cause for genuine alarm.

“Lobsters are very primitive creatures. Normally their brains — if you can even call them that — are the size of a grain of rice. But this lobster’s brain was as big as that of a 4-year-old child.

“Even more disturbing, it had a prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that deals with cognition, planning and regulating social behavior. This lobster had the ability to think and plot revenge.

“Some kind of rapid evolution is going on in the lobster world. And it’s not a stretch of the imagination to theorize that these creatures are sick and tired of ending up on our dinner plates.

“I think they’re plotting a revolution and plan to pick us humans off one by one. I strongly urge everyone to stay out of the water to avoid becoming lobster feed.”