SEATTLE, WA- Sasquatch has been accused of bullying:  Steals boy’s lunch!

Obama’s anti bullying message became especially pertinent today after a local boy was terrorized by a beast normally beloved in the Cascades region of Washington State.

Young J.  Reber was taking a shortcut on his way to school when he was accosted by the creature known to all in the region as…Sasquatch.

The beast taunted the boy for several minutes before holding him upside down and shaking the money out of his pockets.  He then proceeded to steal Reber’s lunch before loping back into the forest.

“I never saw it coming,” said Reber. “He was so mean. I always thought Sasquatch was my friend, but now I don’t feel safe in those woods.”

“I want justice for my son,” says Sheila Reber, the boy’s mother. “Kids shouldn’t have to be scared when going to school. I want bullies like Sasquatch to know that it isn’t ok to scare kids like that, or to make them feel badly about themselves.”

Obama will be issuing statements concerning his anti-bullying campaign in the near future. He and Michelle were said to be “very disappointed” in Sasquatch’s behavior.  ”He should know better, he probably was picked on when he was a kid too,” said Michelle Obama.

No word yet on whose side Lady Gaga will be taking.

CHATHAM, IL -  A Bigfoot footprint was identified and authenticated in Illinois!

There’s something amiss in the backwoods of Chatham, something potentially big. Lately there’s been talk around certain areas of town of an unusual howling and screeching sound as well as evidence of some very large footprints.

Since June there have been at least five to six instances of residents discovering or hearing evidence that the infamous Bigfoot may be lurking somewhere in the Chatham community. One case in particular has garnered some attention from local police, as well as a few proclaimed Big Foot experts.

On Wednesday, June 15, 2011, Michael Patrick’s mother was getting the liner to her pool changed at her residence, when workmen noticed an abnormally large footprint under the apple tree in the back yard and brought the footprint to Patrick’s attention.

Over the years Patrick and his mother had, at times, heard bizarre noises, but had always passed them off as coming from some common forest animal. But they weren’t the only ones that had heard the sounds either. The night before the footprint was found a neighbor had also commented about unusual sounds.

This is the apple tree where the footprint was found near:

“My neighbor has a German Shepherd, and it heard something that night that spooked him. The dog went outside to investigate, but came back cowering, now it won’t leave its owner’s side,” Patrick said.

Unsure about what exactly the footprint was, and concerned for his mother’s safety, Patrick called the Chatham Police Department. An officer came to investigate the scene, but was unable to determine what might have caused the print.

“The responding officer stated that there was a large footprint approximately 18 inches long and 8 inches wide, and it appeared there were five claw marks,” Chatham Police Department Deputy Chief, Vernon Foli said.

To give you an idea how big 18 inches is, retired NBA center Shaquille O’Neil’s feet are approximately 15 inches long, and he wears a size 23 shoe. The average human being’s foot measures approximately 9 ½ inches. Most shoe size charts end at a size fifteen shoe. An 18-inch footprint is about the size of a healthy newborn baby. Considering the size of the print, it’s understandable for a person to show a little concern if they found such a print in their yard.

The footprint measured approximately 18 inches long and eight inches wide according to the Chatham Police Department report. The immense size of the print isn’t fully appreciated until a hand is placed beside it.

Patrick documented his discovery on Facebook where he struck up a conversation with a friend. Patrick’s friend knew John Winterbauer, a Bigfoot investigator. Winterbauer in turn contacted local Bigfoot expert Stan Courtney.

Courtney has documented sightings and gathered sound recordings and evidence of Bigfoot for years. He has interviewed over two hundred witnesses who have seen Bigfoot.

“I literally know hundreds of people who’ve seen these animals. There have been lots of them in central Illinois. I’ve recorded lots of sounds that other researchers and witnesses believe come from these animals. People in Springfield don’t realize it, but there have been a lot of reports from the Sangamon River around Riverton.” Courtney said in a previous interview.

Courtney said that there have been five to six other reports of finding footprints and howling in the Chatham area since June.

So why is Bigfoot in Chatham? Well it’s hard to say really. Patrick’s property does back up to a wooded stream which flows into Lake Springfield. Courtney proposed that the creature was drawn to the house because of the apple tree that grows in Patrick’s mother’s back yard.

Stan Courtney explained to Patrick that the apple tree might have somehow been interpreted as a gift of food. In the past the Patrick’s had noticed that apples from the tree had been picked, but only to a certain height. They believed that the culprit was a wily raccoon, but the large footprint seemed to suggest otherwise. Courtney told Patrick that a creature such a Bigfoot will usually return the favor, and present a gift of its own as a show of appreciation in the form of a dead animal or a strange arrangement of flowers.

The day after his meeting with Courtney, Patrick discovered the Sasquatch’s gift, a decapitated rabbit, near his mother’s house. In Courtney’s account he stated that the rabbit had, “its head pulled off, not bitten or cut, but just simply pulled off.”

Since that strange June evening, no more incidents have occurred at Patrick’s mother’s residence. You might think that such a strange series of events would frighten most people in to staying out of the back yard, but the occurrence has not deterred Patrick’s mother from going about her normal routine.

“She’s not scared, she continues to do her yard work, she thinks it’s neat. My mom has never been skeptical of it.” Patrick said.

While his mother may not be skeptical of what happened, others aren’t ready to pin the event on Bigfoot just yet. Vernon Foli posed a possible explanation, albeit an indirect one.

“One thing I can tell you is that approximately ½ mile south of this location is the former Grindstone Valley Zoo that use to have exotic animals. The zoo is no longer in existence but the owner is Brad or Larry Reynolds and he still has some animals at this location,” Foli said.

Could the print have come from an animal from the old zoo? The Reynolds had kept large animals such as buffalo, antelope, elk, deer, tigers, leopards, monkeys, and zebras while the zoo was open. Or could it be a bear footprint? It’s widely believed by many that there are no bears in Illinois, but with their presence in neighboring states, Wisconsin and Missouri, would it be so far fetched to think that there are indeed bears in Illinois?

At this point it’s hard to tell what exactly made the footprint, but with other accounts of strange happenings and unusual howls and screeches in Chatham, many residents are raising an eyebrow.

“I definitely don’t think it was a hoax, and it was more than just a coincidence. I think that people should just be a bit more vigilant and careful, because you never know what you’re going to find out there,” Patrick said.

Kevin Tremain
The State-Journal Register

SPOKANE, WA – A  woman hiker stumbled across Bigfoot – and shot him for YouTube.

A woman hiker got the scare of her life after she went walking with a friend in Spokane, Washington, and stumbled across what she claims is Bigfoot.

Samantha, who has not revealed her surname, caught the footage in Downriver Park with her iPhone camera and posted the video on YouTube.

After capturing the mysterious creature, also known as a Sasquatch, on film, her YouTube video has become a hit and has already been viewed almost 8,000 times within four days.

And Professor of Theatre and Film Arts, Adam Sharp, said he has seen Bigfoot around their school grounds from time to time.

He said laughing: ‘We do get messages from him, from the faculty and staff. But he’s pretty elusive, he doesn’t like the spotlight a whole lot.’

Bigfoot is an ape-like cryptid that is said to inhabit forests mainly in the

Northwest regions of North America, but his existence has not been scientifically proven.
Watch the video of the alleged Bigfoot below:

NORTH CAROLINA – BigFoot was spotted – and videotaped – in North Carolina!

Standing 7ft tall and waving his hairy arms in the air, ‘Bigfoot’ was spotted in the woods of North Carolina.  In a grainy film shot by a passer-by the 300-pound creature growls and dashes across the road to find cover in the woods.

The clip lasts five seconds but the blurry figure is clearly visible making his way unsteadily across the tarmac – on two legs.

It was shot by Vietnam war veteran Thomas Byers who is convinced it was Bigfoot, the mythical ape-like creature which prowls the wilds of North America.

He said it weighed 300lbs, had yellow teeth and left behind six-toed footprints, not to mention a strong whiff of decay.

‘It was truly one of the most amazing sites I have ever seen,’ he said.‘It was at one point only 15-20 foot from me and it happened so fast and shook me up so bad that I really didn’t understand what I had seen until it was up the side of the mountain and out of sight.’

My Byers and his friend Carolyn Wright were in the countryside of Rutherford County in North Carolina when they spotted the beast climbing up a bank by the road.

When they stopped the creature looked at Mr Byers, threw up its hands and roared before running into the bushes.

‘It ran across the road and into the woods right in front of us and I was able to film it,’ Mr Byers wrote on his blog.

‘In the short video you can hear it snarl or growl at me.

‘One thing I know is the smell of it was horrid. It smelled like a cross between road kill and a skunk.

‘And it did not like the fact that I was there on the road with it. In the video you can hear it snarl or growl at me as it crosses the road.’

The sighting happened in Golden Valley where a Bigfoot called ‘Knobby’
has been sighted for years.

Mr Byers said: ‘I do know it was a very real being that was severely p***** that I was there on the road with it. It was truly one of the most amazing things that I have ever seen.’

The myth of Bigfoot has been a fixture of local legend in the Pacific Northwest of America for centuries and has achieved a level of notoriety on a par with the Loch Ness monster, despite no concrete evidence he actually exists.

Known as a ‘Sasquatch’, he stands on two legs but is covered with fur and makes crude animal noises instead of speech.

The number of Bigfoot sightings spiked after an article in the December 1959 issue of now-defunct monthly magazine True.

The most celebrated instance was the Patterson-Gimlin film shot by Roger Patterson and Robert Gimlin in northern California in 1967, around the time that the original Planet of the Apes was released.

The film’s director John Landis later accused its costume designer John Chambers, who created the monkey suits, of being the man in the ‘sighting’ footage.

Another man also came forward more than 30 years later and said he was the man in the Gorilla suit, alleging Patterson had offered him $1,000 to don the ape outfit.

Mr Byers’ sighting sparked a frenzy of speculation on the Internet and accounts from other people who also claim to have seen the beast.

Saw one too posted on Mr Byers’ web page: ‘In 1970, my girlfriend and I saw one also, about 7 foot tall, in Northern Wisc.

‘We had just finished a ‘make out session’ in a rural area of heavy woods, I backed the car out of the dirt road to the main road, when we reached the main road, a large bigfoot, pushed the branches apart of the heavy brush by the edge of the road, it was huge and only 5-6 feet from her door.

‘She screamed, I looked over, saw this giant man/ape creature coming at the car, literally a few feet away, I hit the gas and sped away, miles before we stopped and tried to collect ourselves.’

SAN FRANCISCO – New evidence of Bigfoot’s existence:   he was spotted inside a San Francisco gay bar!

The 7ft tall mythic creature was seen bumping and grinding to Lady Gaga songs at Harvey’s, a gay bar in San Francisco.

There have been many rumors surrounding Bigfoot’s existence, but his recent spotting at a trendy gay bar marks the first time that animal experts have had to question his sexuality.

“I knew Bigfoot was real,” said Bill Tyson, leader of the Bigfoot Field Research Organization in Santa Clara. “I just didn’t know he was gay. I guess it makes sense, though. He does take wonderful care of his hair.”

Regulars at Harvey’s gay bar said that this was not the first time a “tall, dark, hairy stranger” was seen sipping martinis at the bar.

“I had no idea that was Bigfoot,” said Thom Fink, a regular at Harvey’s, “I’ve seen that guy here before. He’s got some of the best dance moves in the club. And did you see the size of his feet? You know what that means!”

According to descriptions from eyewitnesses, Bigfoot walked into the gay bar wearing a wearing a Dolce & Gabbana halter top and spandex leggings.  He then proceeded to go to the bar and order two “Fuzzy Navels.” After that, Bigfoot allegedly got up on stage and lip-synched a flawless rendition of Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive.”

The last time bystanders saw the mythic ape of the forest was around two o’clock in the morning, when Bigfoot is alleged to have left the club arm in arm with another large, hairy creature.

“Oh yeah, that was just Jerry,” said Mr. Fink, referring to Bigfoot’s new arm candy. “He looks like Bigfoot, kind of smells like him too.”

The Abominable Snowman, the first openly gay ape-like creature, told reporters that he was proud of Bigfoot’s decision to “come out of the forest.”

“This is a huge step for gay rights,” said the Abominable Snowman. “I mean literally. It’s a huge freaking step. We’re talking about Bigfoot here!”

GAULEY, WV -  At a wedding reception near the Cranberry River, Bigfoot busted in and grabbed one of the bridesmaids.

Wedding guests watched in horror as Bigfoot stomped onto the dance floor and grabbed Darlene Pacapuddy. He threw her over his shoulder and waltzed off into the woods.

The bride and groom – Jan Kimball and Calvin Hudgins – and their wedding guests were having a lovely evening at the Appalachian Inn & Motel. Their two families, who had been feuding over wedding arrangements for six months (seven arrests for assault and battery,) were finally enjoying each others’ company. Jeb Kimball finished serving the trout that he and his brothers caught for his sister’s big day and the ice cream wedding cake had just been pushed out on the cake cart.   Guests were enjoying the gin Jeff Kimball had made for the guests.

The band was playing the Toby Keith classic, “Who’s Your Daddy?” when all of a sudden there was a commotion near the stuffed bear in the back of the room. Calvin thought that it was his crazy cousin Harlin, who likes to play pranks at weddings – “like the time he set the wedding pick-up on fire.”  But it wasn’t Harlin, it was Bigfoot.

“He wasn’t wearing shoes, but none of the guys were wearing shoes at the wedding,” said Lloyd Kimball, the father of the bride. “His feet looked hairy. He was covered in reddish brown hair and about six feet tall. The hair was all even in length. He seemed like he takes good care of himself, though.  Good shape, well-groomed.”

“Darlene was kicking and screaming, but none of us were gonna get anywhere near that beast,” said Mindy Cross, another one of the bridesmaids. “I don’t know why he picked Darlene out of all of us.  Figures, Darlene’s always been a slut.  At least I caught the bouquet.”

Wedding guests watched Bigfoot run about quarter of a mile up the hill with Darlene.  He tore through some elderberry bushes and disappeared down the mountain. The mother of the groom, Madge Hudgins was the only one brave enough to venture into the woods. “I looked at the spot where he took her through the bushes. There were some kind of prints in the mud holes and the elderberry bushes were broken and bent.  Some thought it was King Kong.  But they’re dead wrong. It was definitely Bigfoot. I know Bigfoot when I see him and that was Bigfoot.”

Unfortunately, the Kimball and Hudgins families both blamed each other for the disappearance of Darlene Pacapuddy – and the feud was reignited. WWN contacted Darlene’s mother, Irene, who said that the family was distraught about Darlene. “We were praying she would find a good man one day, not a beast.  But he is a big improvement over her last few boyfriends.  I hope she’s happy.”

Local authorities can not confirm (or deny) that Bigfoot is in the area. If you see Bigfoot (or Darlene) please call Cranberry River Police.

CLEVELAND COUNTY, NC – The search for Bigfoot has been reignited after one man claims spotting the mythical creature!

If Tim Peeler is right, Bigfoot is alive and well and blonde. The Cleveland County resident told local authorities that he had an encounter with the 10-foot tall creature. The Cleveland County Sheriff’s Office has filed the case as a “suspicious person report” but says it is keeping an open mind.

Peeler claims that he was calling coyotes, but instead got an unexpected visit from the hard-to-find creature.

“Instead of them, him,” Peeler told NBC affiliate WCNC NewsChannel 36.

“This thing was 10-foot tall. He had beautiful hair,” Peeler added, saying that it looked like the creature had six fingers on each hand.

“I come out here and rough-talked him and run him off,” Peeler said. But the creature wasn’t done and returned. “I said, ‘Get away from here! Get! Get! and he went right back up that path again.”

Sgt. Mark Self of the sheriff’s office responded to the suspicious-person call placed by Peeler.

“It doesn’t bother me now – I don’t think there’s anything to it,” Self said. “If we see something, we’ll try to capture it and take it into custody.”

BUGGY CREEK, GA — A Bigfoot fan has come forward to reveal the Bigfoot weight-loss plan he discovered!

“I’ve been a Bigfoot fan all my life,” video¬game designer Norman Chalmers told Weekly World News. “I’ve tried for years to meet him without luck.  After your paper revealed that Bigfoot spends the winter sequestered in his native wetlands, I headed south myself.”

Deep in the Okeefenokee Swamp, the vacationing Chalmers set up base camp.

“After a few days of seeing nothing but alligators and snakes, I was getting pretty discouraged,” he said. “As I was about to pack it in, I heard a savage bellow erupt from the cypress grove. I scampered up a tree to hide. Though I wanted to try and communicate with the elusive creature, I also didn’t want to surprise or antagonize him.

“Pushing through thick brush, Bigfoot emerged into the sun-dappled grove,” Chalmers went on. “But this was not the slender, muscular Bigfoot I’d seen in photos. Oh no. His gut was enormous! Like the rest of us, Bigfoot had evidently indulged in a little too much holiday cheer, eating wild turkey and raw sweet potatoes and packing on pounds.

“However, as I watched, he suddenly grunted loudly, bent over, and touched his massive toes. Then he did it again. It took me a few moments to realize that Bigfoot was exercising!

“First he did a toe-touching, backbone stretching routine — not unlike Pilates or yoga.  After limbering up, Bigfoot really got to work. He did a series of roundhouse kicks that culminated in him felling a mangrove with a mighty blow. He slid the fallen tree into the swamp. As it floated there, the hairy giant jumped onto the log and began rolling it, waving his arms to keep his balance, going faster and faster until he was breathing hard. Finally, his thick legs were so exhausted he just fell in.

“After shaking his fur dry, Bigfoot began sniffing around a rock pile,” Chalmers continued. “Finding the biggest, heaviest stone, he hoisted it over his head several times. His arms trembled more and more with each thrust. Then, when his biceps were fluttering like monster hummingbirds, Bigfoot heaved the boulder into the bog with a splash!

“Unfortunately, that riled a napping alligator, which scuttled ashore, charging the creature who had disrupted his sleep.  Bigfoot welcomed the challenge. As the enraged carnivore leapt at him, Bigfoot grabbed it by the tail, swung it overhead like an Olympic hammer, and slammed it to the ground! Then he wrestled the dazed creature into a scissors hold, locking it tight between his furry thighs. Bigfoot continued to loosen, then tighten his grip. He did this over two dozen times before releasing the alligator, which fled.

“Then Bigfoot took a well-deserved snack break. I thought he’d head to the nearest chicken coop but instead he nibbled on a handful of healthy, low-calorie swamp berries. After that, he plucked a minty green leaf from the shore, chewing it like chaw. The leaf must have been an appetite suppressant because I didn’t see Bigfoot eat again.”

Sated, Bigfoot looked up at the sun and abruptly ambled in the direction of Buggy Creek. The timid Chalmers slid from his tree-top perch and followed the shaggy behemoth at a safe distance. The giant might be overweight, but he could still snap a man like a pretzel stick.

“Bigfoot brazenly power-walked under a sign that said Joe Buck’s Turtle Farm. There, he leaned all four hundred and fifty pounds onto the rear of Mr. Buck’s pickup. The axles groaned something fierce. Within seconds, angry Bucks poured from the house.

“At once, Bigfoot broke into a run,” Chalmers said,  “those immense, hairy legs propelling his ample girth. The farmer and his sons followed, cursing in his wake as he disappeared into the thick morass. I later learned that since Thanksgiving, Bigfoot had been doing a ‘redneck run’ like this every day at noon.

“I stayed in the area another two weeks,” Chalmers recalled. “I didn’t see him again ’til I was breaking camp. I heard squawking in the distance and saw Bigfoot chasing geese! At first I wasn’t sure if it was the same Bigfoot. But I checked the markings on the fur against photos I’d taken. It was him all right. He’d lost all that excess weight — more than sixty pounds! Bigfoot was lithe again, his toned muscles rippling through tawny fur.”

Returning home, Chalmers decided to follow in the rather large footsteps of his hero.  “I joined a gym and hit it hard, just like Bigfoot,” he said. “Next time we meet, I might be fast enough to catch him!”

JUNEAU, AK – Sarah Palin, having resigned from being Alaska’s governor, is moving out of the governor’s mansion. To help speed the process she is holding an enormous yard sale.Outside of the mansion folding tables were filled with personal bric-a-brac and state treasures, each labeled with a hand-drawn price tag.

Fifteen mounted heads from Sasquatches Palin had shot were on sale.  Each came with a certificate of authenticity citing that it was indeed a genuine Sasquatch, and detailing how it had died.  Also available were 36 stuffed wolves the former governor had shot from a helicopter.  They were all sold to one gentleman who said he wanted to start a pre-school.

A gold nugget, mined from the Alaskan Yukon in 1845 and formerly displayed in the mansion’s rotunda, was tied to a price tag that read $18,000.  At the time of printing this item had been reduced to $16,500 with still no buyers.

Available as a set were 18 Alaskan breed mole men, coming complete with steel cage.  The mole men stood an average of 2 and a half feet tall, and had previously been used to do Sarah Palin’s dry cleaning, and snow-mobile repair.

Of particular interest was a large filing cabinet which had been painted with red letters “Top Secret Files.”  When asked what used to go into this filing cabinet Palin replied “Oh Nothin.’  Just… recipes.”  Security agents kept reporters from investigating a large bonfire being held in the back yard at the same time.

Among the remaining doilies, quilts, and “Last Minute Pardons” available for sale, was a large anti-aircraft cannon.  The price tag indicated that Mrs. Palin had used this to keep the Russians at bay from her back yard.  Moscow denied any official comment regarding whether their planes were ever fended off by anti-aircraft fire from Mrs. Palin.  The cannon is currently being shipped to the top of the Weekly World News headquarters in New York City.

WASILLA, AK – Sarah Palin resigned as Governor of Alaska last week.  In a startling press conference, she has revealed her new mission: hunting Bigfoot.

Sarah Palin has officially resigned as Governor of Alaska, in a move she swears has nothing to do with an ongoing police investigation.  Residents of the state, in an outpouring of support, took to the streets waving signs saying “We Love You Sarah!” and pictures of bikini models with her face glued on.  Palin gave her last speech as Governor in her favorite bar; out of respect, hot wings were half off for the next hour.

Over the weekend Palin held the much anticipated press conference to announce her new project.  Inviting members of the press into her home yet again, she brought them into her previously unseen trophy room.  After several minutes of down-homey speaking and adorably incorrect grammar, she removed the sheet hanging behind her to reveal the mounted heads of a dozen sasquatches and several other cryptids.  “My new purpose in life” she said “is to bring the joy of hunting these elusive creatures to as many people as possible!”

In the official press packet delivered to media outlets, Palin’s plan was more clearly outlined.  She hopes to advocate the mass hunting of Bigfoot in America.  Starting in Alaska she will work to not only remove limits on hunting the endangered species, but encourage as many people as possible to do so.  “The existence of this so-called ‘Missing Link’ is a slap in the face to God, and the faith of real Americans.”

Palin has a history of hunting Bigfoot, as documented last year by Weekly World News.

Once done in Alaska, she hopes to move on to other states, encouraging the hunting of other animals whose existence calls to question a literal interpretation of the Bible.  Placed upon her wall were the heads of a dozen Sasquatches, several Chupacabra, the horn of a narwhal, and one Jersey Devil.

Heads of the Mutant Anti-Defamation League are up in arms over this move.  They believe that encouraging violence towards these creatures could easily lead to people hunting mutants as well.  Environmental groups are also furious at the ecological impact of intentionally hunting several rare species into extinction.

In response to questions raised by these groups, Palin simply shrugged and smiled, saying, “I just gotta be me!”