JUNEAU, AK – Sarah Palin has landed the cover of Portfolio’s April 2009 issue with a photo of her wearing a Bigfoot skin coat, and she is not pleased.

Joe McGinniss’ cover story, “Palin and Wildlife: The Cold Hard Truth”, focuses on her terrible track record when dealing with wildlife conservation. She has opposed strengthening protections for beluga whales and polar bears, and has encouraged the control of wolf populations through promoting bounties and aerial hunting.

But the most damning charges pertain to the treatment of Sasquatches in Alaska. As loyal Weekly World News readers may recall, Sarah Palin posed with a Bigfoot she shot dead from a helicopter.

Since then she has constantly battled with conservationists over placing them on the Endangered Species list. As a seemingly provocative move, Portfolio used a photo of Palin wearing a Bigfoot skin coat, possibly the skin of the creature she shot last year.

Palin spokesman Bill McAllister has already released a statement about the piece: “Show me one shred of truth for this accusation: ‘Palin has systematically targeted the Sasquatch population time and time again.’ Senator Palin’s first and foremost responsibility is to the citizens of Alaska. She must protect them and their livelihood from these creature.”

“If that means not bending over backwards for radical conversationists, then so be it. She is ready and willing to take on their criticism, when it is fair and factual.”

Ashley Judd, a recent foe of Palin, is already planning a new video with the World Cryptid Federation in order to bring Palin’s treatment of Sasquatches to light. Judd will shoot on location in Alaska, where she will be filmed handfeeding a pack of Sasquatches Twinkies to prove they are not dangerous.

ANCHORAGE, AK – Todd Palin vows to jump 25 election booths with his snowmobile on Election Day.

Todd Palin believes the stunt will increase awareness and voter turnout in support of his wife’s Vice Presidential bid.  “Last time I did something like this I got a DUI, but this time I’m helping save America!”  Palin said, and then proceeded to yell excitedly with his supporters for seven minutes.

Palin is a four time snowmobile champion and works in Alaska’s oil industry.  He never received a degree, but during his short time at college was a member of the infamous Delta Lambda Mu fraternity, the only fraternity in America to be outlawed in an amendment to the U.S. Constitution.

Also he has been a vocal member of the Alaska Separatist Movement and a judge in the 2008 Miss Alaska competition, which he says he is “most proud of.”

When asked what role he would play in a McCain Palin administration, he stated that his formidable video game skills would make him a valuable asset as a military advisor.

Mr. Palin wanted to complete his jump across the state line, marking the fifth time he has ever left Alaska, however he has been labeled Persona Non Gratis by Canada due to an incident involving a missing Labatt Blue truck, several cases of maple syrup, and a psychologically traumatized moose.

Palin concluded his press conference, held at an Anchorage sports bar, by exclaiming “My hot wife’s gonna be king of the world!”  He then fell of the table and hit his head on a pinball machine.

TACONY, PA – At a recent campaign stop in northeast Philadelphia, Governor Sarah Palin used her spiritual powers to heal a young child. Four-month-old Nathaniel Dockman, the son of Tracy and Joe, had a fever for nearly a week before being taken to a McCain rally for treatment.

The cause of the fever is unknown, though experts suspect either witchcraft or the flu.  Nathaniel’s parents said they did not consult a doctor, as they are Christian Scientists and do not believe in medical treatment.

Tracy told reporters, “It’s just a miracle.  Nathaniel will survive because of this amazing woman.  We considered taking Nathaniel to Michael Cera, but we had no way of finding him.”

While Michael Cera’s powers are born out of his self-deprecating humor, Palin’s healing ability seems to draw strength from her small-town values and ‘you betcha’ mentality.

Joe just smiled and explained, “We don’t know where she gets it from. All we know is that Sarah was the right choice for our child, and will be the right choice for our country.”

WASILLA, AK – Tina Fey, who has made headlines recently by impersonating Governor Sarah Palin, has gone so far as to lampoon her famous aerial shooting of a Bigfoot.

Cast and crew of the show Saturday Night Live flew out yesterday to Chugach National Park in Alaska to film a sketch for their special Thursday show.

After several passes pretending to fire an M240 machine gun at Andy Samberg in a costume, Fey and crew touched down in a helicopter mere yards from where Palin’s shooting took place.  While recreating Palin’s classic pose, complete with Fey carrying her own daughter in a Baby Bjorn, an actual Sasquatch came out from the tree line, apparently angered by Fey’s uncanny resemblance to the Alaska governor.

Production assistants and interns were ordered to stand in front of the massive primate and defend Tina Fey with their lives.

Thinking quickly the Emmy-winning comedienne grabbed a tranquilizer gun which had been brought in case of moose or bear problems and shot the rampaging creature, saving the lives of dozens.

Sources within NBC say the segment cannot be aired due to issues with the Federal Wildlife Commission; however leaked footage is beginning to circulate on the internet.

Andy Samberg, mauled to death in the incident, will be replaced by a shaggy haired monkey who will be dressed in ironic t-shirts and taught to smirk at the camera.

Racy photos have emerged of Sarah Palin posing with alien beer during her beauty queen days. A young Palin is clearly seen in an advertisement for Old Clandathuu’s Best lager.

Sarah Palin, beauty queen turned Vice Presidential hopeful, was crowned Miss Wasilla, Alaska in 1984.  Television coverage was broadcast from the event and picked up by aliens on the planet Wazeela.

Wazeelans, noticing for the similarity to their own planet’s name, were entranced by Palin, who won the contest easily after field dressing a moose for the talent portion.

Shortly after her win, Palin was approached by executives from Old Clandathuu’s Best for a brief advertising shoot.

Some are worried that the racy photos, featuring Palin in a swimsuit and tiara with a suggestively foaming beer bottle, could damage her folksy image or her credibility as a leader.  Sean Hannity decried these concerns as “sexist” continuing, “So what if she’s a babe?”

Given her renewed celebrity, one of Wazeela’s premier gentlemen’s magazines has offered Palin the chance to pose for a centerfold, should her election bid go south.

The McCain/Palin campaign has yet to comment officially on the issue. Palin’s relationship with Wazeela has been investigated before.

MARTINSVILLE, IL. – Bigfoot must be placed on Endangered Species List, and activists lay blame on Sarah Palin!

Wildlife photographer Brett Sullivan is attempting to protect the elusive beast from hardhearted humans – by persuading Congress to declare Bigfoot an endangered species.

“There are a lot of nuts out there who would shoot Bigfoot in a minute, just to show they could,” said the 66-year-old Martinsville nature lover and newspaperman.  “And Governor Palin has only encouraged them!”

This is in reference to the now infamous aerial shooting of a Bigfoot by Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin. The GOP celebrated it as just another example of her gumption, but both wildlife and mutant activists felt it was an irresponsible act.

Sullivan explained, “We now need to convince not only the government but all American citizens to give these creatures the same kind of protection we give other species on the verge of extinction.

“When Governor Palin is taking down Bigfoots left and right, wearing a designer baby bjorn and posing with the bodies for photo ops, it completely glorifies the horrific event. In my opinion, she is the leader in their ultimate demise and must be stopped!”

Officials in several Northwestern states have already enacted laws making it illegal to harm these gentle giants. But Sullivan says adopting legislation state by state is too slow, so he’s asking Congress to place Bigfoot on the nation’s Endangered Species List, alongside the spotted owl, the Florida panther and the Coho salmon.

“When you look into the eyes of one of these creatures and see how bright they are, and then look into Sarah Palin’s eyes, well… Frankly, there’s no competition,” he said. “I think I know which creature is more important for the future of this country, and it does not wear rimless glasses.”

At a shocking press conference this morning, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama announced that he has a half-man half-bat half-brother.

The boyish looking half brother of undetermined age had been living in a cave in the Karura Forest outside Nairobi, until he was recently discovered by Dr. Robert Ndesango of Kenyatta University. Dr. Ndesango, who had been researching in the cave, was at first startled by the unusual boy, who quickly introduced himself as Obatma. Soon enough, the boy was showing him his part of the cave and pictures he’d drawn on the walls.

Tests indicate that the boy mutant is indeed Barack Obama’s younger half brother; the two share a father but have different mothers.

It was during the “gap” in his official itinerary in Israel that Obama took a military helicopter to Kenya to clandestinely visit his kin. The McCain camp had obtained pictures of Obatma and had threatened to release them to the nation if Obama did not own up to the mutant.

Senator Obama stood proudly next to the brother he claims to have first met on a trip to Kenya during the late 1990’s. Michelle Obama declined to attend the announcement and said through a spokeswoman, “That boy is strange. He will not be coming near my house or my kids.”

When asked how Obama’s half brother came to be a half-bat mutant, Obama said it was “a family matter that should remain private.”

Critics question if having a mutant brother could hurt him in the election. Obama replied “There is no greater bond than that of family. Turning my back on him would be like cutting off a limb. From the volcanoes of Hawaii, through the cornfields of Kansas and on to the caves of Kenya, I have lived the American dream and my unique diversity is what truly allows me to be so audacious in my hope.

“Obatma shares my DNA and will be uniquely qualified to understand some of the difficult issues facing mutants in this country and around the world.”

Will Bat Boy, the most famous mutant of them all, now come out and endorse Obama?

Senator McCain could not be reached for comment, but sources say he was glad that the intense discussion of Obatma now sweeping the nation would lessen the focus on whether his running mate, Governor Palin, may actually be a Palien hailing from a small planet east of the sun known as Wazeela.

WASILLA, AK – Representatives from the McCain Campaign have confirmed that Vice Presidential candidate, Governor Sarah Palin, will spend the Columbus Day holiday on a witch hunt.

Accompanied by her spiritual advisor, Pastor Muthee, Palin will canvass her hometown of Wasilla for witches.  Muthee is famous for reducing crime in Kenya by ridding towns of the witches following the teachings of Satan.

Palin and Muthee believe that Wasilla, given the unflattering nickname “The Meth Capitol of Alaska,” is a prime target for a witch hunt.

“There has been a lot of talk lately about patriotism.  Nothing is less patriotic than Satan,” the Governor’s husband Todd told reporters outside of Speedy Donuts after a recent campaign stop in suburban Ohio.

“On Columbus Day, Sarah is going to do her patriotic duty of hunting down the witches that are defiling Wasilla with their vile practices.  What better way to spend America’s birthday than on a good old fashioned, Salem-style witch hunt?”

Responding to a question on if she thought killing witches was her patriotic duty, Governor Palin said, “Doggonit, you betcha!”

Asked if she believed Columbus Day, rather than Independence Day, marked America’s birthday, the Governor replied, “In what way, Charlie?”

WASILLA, AK – Records and eyewitnesses have come to light that prior to announcing her candidacy for the Vice Presidency; Sarah Palin shot a Bigfoot from a helicopter.

A government helicopter was seen flying low over the Chugach National Park with what witnesses described as “a sexy librarian shooting out the side.” Employees at a local bait shop report seeing a similar woman only hours before carrying an infant in a camouflage Baby Bjorn.

The Bigfoot, or Sasquatch as it is known in scientific circles, was found dead on the outskirts of the park, just south of Wasilla, Alaska.  Preliminary forensics reports confirm that an adult male Sasquatch was shot in the face with Palin’s trademark 5mm M4 Carbine Assault Rifle.

Environmental groups are in an uproar at the hunting death of a rare and notoriously reclusive species.  Efforts to have the Sasquatch placed on the endangered species list have met with repeated opposition from state legislature, since protecting the ‘Missing Link’ could be seen as validating evolution.

Conservatives have immediately rallied to their party’s new star, citing that gun ownership and hunting are indelible parts of American culture.  Indeed this point is hard to argue, as John Adams was notorious for having captured what he called a “Skunk Ape” and killing it with his bare hands on the White House lawn in front of a paying audience.

I was as happy as Joe Biden at a Hair Club for Men conference to see Sarah Palin crush Joe Biden in the VP debate last week.  Sarah had me at “Hey, can I call you Joe?”  It didn’t help that Joe-Tox had a look of surprise frozen on his face from the Botox and his recent eyelift. Joe talks about being a regular guy from Scranton, PA, but when I look around the room at my Elks Club meeting I don’t see many fellas with hair plugs, botox and a facelift.

I haven’t had a real crush since that candy-striper in the Korean War, but I found myself getting hotter and hotter for Sarah as the night went on.  How can you not love a girl who says with a wink, “Your plan is a white flag of surrender.”  That comment knocked Joe Biden to the ground like Rocky Balboa in Rocky VI.  Biden came in to the debate thinking that Sarah was an idiot and that dumb-ass was the one who limped out of the ring with the scars from his recent facelift busted wide open.

The next knock out punch came when Biden, who is supposed to be some kind of dang foreign-policy expert, had just given a long-winded explanation for how he voted in favor of invading Iraq but didn’t really mean for Bush to actually invade Iraq.  That Botox must have helped him keep a straight face when he told the American public that he of course realized way back then that it would be a very long and difficult war but he now opposes the war because it’s been too long and too difficult.

“Oh, man, it’s so obvious that I’m a Washington outsider and someone just not used to the way you guys operate,” Sarah Palin said with a look on her face like Biden had just offered her a dog turd sandwich.  It took me a while to get used to it, but now I am starting to love that Fargo-meets-Arctic accent.

Friends, let’s make sure we get out to vote so we can hear that accent often over the next eight years.  If Obama and Joe-Tox go to the White House, we are going to have every one of Obama’s America-hating ACORN and Weather Underground friends come out of their rat-holes and turn the good ol’ US of A into France before you can say “surrender”.