JUNEAU, AK – Sarah Palin, having resigned from being Alaska’s governor, is moving out of the governor’s mansion. To help speed the process she is holding an enormous yard sale.Outside of the mansion folding tables were filled with personal bric-a-brac and state treasures, each labeled with a hand-drawn price tag.

Fifteen mounted heads from Sasquatches Palin had shot were on sale.  Each came with a certificate of authenticity citing that it was indeed a genuine Sasquatch, and detailing how it had died.  Also available were 36 stuffed wolves the former governor had shot from a helicopter.  They were all sold to one gentleman who said he wanted to start a pre-school.

A gold nugget, mined from the Alaskan Yukon in 1845 and formerly displayed in the mansion’s rotunda, was tied to a price tag that read $18,000.  At the time of printing this item had been reduced to $16,500 with still no buyers.

Available as a set were 18 Alaskan breed mole men, coming complete with steel cage.  The mole men stood an average of 2 and a half feet tall, and had previously been used to do Sarah Palin’s dry cleaning, and snow-mobile repair.

Of particular interest was a large filing cabinet which had been painted with red letters “Top Secret Files.”  When asked what used to go into this filing cabinet Palin replied “Oh Nothin.’  Just… recipes.”  Security agents kept reporters from investigating a large bonfire being held in the back yard at the same time.

Among the remaining doilies, quilts, and “Last Minute Pardons” available for sale, was a large anti-aircraft cannon.  The price tag indicated that Mrs. Palin had used this to keep the Russians at bay from her back yard.  Moscow denied any official comment regarding whether their planes were ever fended off by anti-aircraft fire from Mrs. Palin.  The cannon is currently being shipped to the top of the Weekly World News headquarters in New York City.

As Sarah Palin ends her governorship early, Weekly World News invites you to look back on her fascinating life.

Palin’s submission to Girls Gone Wild “Hot Babes in the Arctic Cold” was rejected because the Governor seemed to misunderstand the purpose of the video.  Instead of lifting her shirt up, she pulled it down to better show off the quirky slogan printed on the front.

WASILLA, AK – Sarah Palin resigned as Governor of Alaska last week.  In a startling press conference, she has revealed her new mission: hunting Bigfoot.

Sarah Palin has officially resigned as Governor of Alaska, in a move she swears has nothing to do with an ongoing police investigation.  Residents of the state, in an outpouring of support, took to the streets waving signs saying “We Love You Sarah!” and pictures of bikini models with her face glued on.  Palin gave her last speech as Governor in her favorite bar; out of respect, hot wings were half off for the next hour.

Over the weekend Palin held the much anticipated press conference to announce her new project.  Inviting members of the press into her home yet again, she brought them into her previously unseen trophy room.  After several minutes of down-homey speaking and adorably incorrect grammar, she removed the sheet hanging behind her to reveal the mounted heads of a dozen sasquatches and several other cryptids.  “My new purpose in life” she said “is to bring the joy of hunting these elusive creatures to as many people as possible!”

In the official press packet delivered to media outlets, Palin’s plan was more clearly outlined.  She hopes to advocate the mass hunting of Bigfoot in America.  Starting in Alaska she will work to not only remove limits on hunting the endangered species, but encourage as many people as possible to do so.  “The existence of this so-called ‘Missing Link’ is a slap in the face to God, and the faith of real Americans.”

Palin has a history of hunting Bigfoot, as documented last year by Weekly World News.

Once done in Alaska, she hopes to move on to other states, encouraging the hunting of other animals whose existence calls to question a literal interpretation of the Bible.  Placed upon her wall were the heads of a dozen Sasquatches, several Chupacabra, the horn of a narwhal, and one Jersey Devil.

Heads of the Mutant Anti-Defamation League are up in arms over this move.  They believe that encouraging violence towards these creatures could easily lead to people hunting mutants as well.  Environmental groups are also furious at the ecological impact of intentionally hunting several rare species into extinction.

In response to questions raised by these groups, Palin simply shrugged and smiled, saying, “I just gotta be me!”

I’m madder than an Eskimo with a busted mukluk! Sarah Palin resigned as governor of Alaska on Friday, and I still can’t get over it. I can’t believe her red high heels won’t be clicking across our national stage anymore.

I’ll never see the light flicker off her glasses again, or hear her chirpy voice, or watch her bouncy hair blow in the wind like she was the smart Charlie’s Angel.

So let me get this straight: Sarah Palin resigned but Mark Sanford is staying put, Al Franken is Senator and Jesse Jackson’s still not in jail?

It’s all a mystery to me, but you know women: who can understand what they do, anyhow? Not even THEY know!

Maybe it was just that time of the month, and Sarah will change her mind!

I doubt it, though. When she quit, some turd at the Gas Huffing Post made jokes about her baby. Sarah just got tired of being made fun of, I guess. Although I don’t get why that husband of hers doesn’t just beat these idiots up!

This old man’s heart is broken in a million pieces, just like our economy, and no stimulus package will ever put it together again. The only bailout that will save me is a big bucket of Barracuda!

I don’t know how I’ll get by now. I always had Sarah Palin to pin my hopes on. Now that she’s gone, we’re stuck with Newt, Huckleberry and that little foreign fella from Louisiana who looks like E.T. in a suit.

Now who will save us from the Teleprompter Kid, the Hair Club for Men Vice President, and the other crooks and crazies?

Goodbye Sarah Palin! Visit us at Rancho Angerarro any time you need a break from the snow.