UPDATE: Through a miraculous combination of teamwork and ingenuity, Santa Claus was saved and Christmas proceeded as scheduled.

Numerous attempts to free Santa from inside a giant block of ice failed. Blowtorches refused to start as a surprise blizzard came roaring through. Hammers and chisels made hardly a dent in the solid ice.

Finally, a daring combination of fresh chocolate chip cookies and gamma radiation saved the day. Head of the North Pole research department Sprinkles Von Bohrstein came up with the holiday saving idea to combine Santa’s favorite treat with a gamma powered “Cheer Emitter.” Mrs. Claus made up a fresh batch of chocolate chip cookies and placed them in front of the frozen Santa. Then Von Bohrstein aimed the experimental device at him, hoping the ice could be broken from the inside out.

Immediately results could be seen as Santa become hotter from the radiation and began to grow in size. With the thunderous crash of ice the mutated Santa Claus shattered his icy prison with a bellowing “Ho HO HOOOO!”

After a few cookies and a hug from his wife, Mr. Claus returned to his old self and immediately began preparations for his annual flight.

Receipt of presents by children all over the world proves that Santa Claus was able to make his run despite the setbacks. However due to his late start several wealthy families in Beverly Hills received glittery IOU’s attached to their fireplace.

December 24, 2008

NORTH POLE – Santa Claus has yet again been frozen in a block of ice.

Delaying critical Christmas preparation, the elf union is working overtime to thaw out the yule time celebrity.

After going on his traditional pre-holiday bender, Santa drunkenly fell asleep outside the reindeer stables and was quickly frozen in a solid block of ice.

Experts believe he may have been hitting the bottle harder than usual due to his difficulty in receiving a federal bailout.  Unsubstantiated reports say that Mrs. Claus may have been one of the unlucky victims taken in by the Madoff financial scheme.

A representative of the United Elvin Workers union confirmed that this is not the first time Santa has been frozen solid.  “He does this every year.  We’d hoped he would stay inside this year and just need a coffee the next morning.  But it looks like we’ll need to dust off the glitter-powered blowtorches again.”

Will Santa be freed in time? Updates will be forthcoming as the diminutive labor union works to save Christmas.

NEW YORK, NY – Holiday shoppers at Macy’s Department Store were surprised this week when PhD Ape brought his son and niece to meet Santa for the first time.

Junior was excited to sit in Santa’s lap and tell him what he wants for Christmas. PhD Ape’s niece Bobo managed to sit still long enough to take a photo with Santa before running off to eat the candy cane picket fence in front of Santa’s Workshop.

“Junior wouldn’t tell me what he asked for,” PhD Ape told reporters outside Macy’s. “But I’m pretty sure it involved bananas, a rope swing, and a Wii Fit.”

“If he’s a good boy, he’ll also have asked for new slippers and a box of Cubans for his father.” PhD Ape said with a wink.

During his lunch break, reporters asked Santa about meeting the young ape children.

“It was a little unnerving, to be honest. I thought they were adorable, sweet little things, but then Junior asked me if I have daddy issues and if that’s why I feel the need to provide children with love and presents.”

“He asked if I crave the approval of my peers. He is definitely his father’s son.”

BALTIMORE, MD – Bat Boy’s attempts at fitting in for the holidays have again failed miserably.

In the usual shopping center custom, the White Marsh Mall in Baltimore started their month-long Santa Claus residence. Part of America’s Christmas tradition includes children being brought to malls to sit on Santa’s knee and list off their requested items.

A lull in the line occurred when the children heard Best Buy had just received a shipment of Rock Band 2. Bat Boy, hiding in the cover of the giant Christmas tree, saw his one chance and took it. He scurried up to Santa, shrieking with excitement, and tried to hand over his guano-covered list.

Seeing only a blur of big pointy ears and sharp teeth, the mall Santa took off at high-speed, making it to the food court before tripping over his baggy red pants and crashing head first into the Cinnabon stand.

Weekly World News retrieved Bat Boy’s list, which consisted only of crudely-drawn pictures, including:
Nerf gun
Mario Kart Wii
Complete ‘The Naked Brothers Band’ DVD set
‘Wall-E’ sleeping bag