ANCHORAGE, AK – The popular program of answering Santa’s letters from the “North Pole” is being discontinued!

The program was started in 1954, in the Alaskan town of North Pole. The Postal Service had noticed letters arriving in the town addressed to Santa, and decided to organize a group of volunteers to respond to the thousands of children who wrote.

The 2,100 person town of North Pole prides itself on its Christmas connection, with stores like Santa Claus House, light poles that look like candy canes and streets called Kris Kringle Drive and Santa Claus Lane.

But the mood has changed, now that the USPS has declared it would no longer be running the letter answering service. This is mostly due to an incident last year, when a registered sex offender was recognized volunteering for Operation Santa! He was stopped before he could answer any letters, but the repurcussions have been felt nationally.

While the Operation Santa program will still exist, letters addressed to “Santa Claus, North Pole” will no longer reach the Alaskan town. And considering the residents only just found it, a dark mood has settled over the community.

Said Mayor Doug Isaacson, “It’s Grinchlike that the Postal Service never informed all the little elves before the fact. They’ve been working on this for how long?”

Unless a change is made in the next couple weeks, it is likely the cancellation will be permanent.

NEW YORK, NY – In an interview on Fox News, former Vice President Dick Cheney admitted that “there was never any evidence Iraq was involved in 9-11.”

This news comes as a complete shock to America and people around the world.  For the past 6 years, Vice President Cheney led the chorus stating it was an irrefutable fact that Iraq was linked to the 9/11 attacks.  The world stands in awe as one of the foundational beliefs of the last decade has been shattered.

Crisis counselors were immediately called into the Fox News headquarters.  Sean Hannity broke down in tears before locking himself in a closet for several hours. Richard Cheney said that with the Iraq war in its 6th year, it was finally a good time for the truth to come out.

Cheney also went on to definitively state that there is no Santa Claus, no Easter Bunny, no Tooth Fairy, and Elmo is “just an annoying piece of felt with a guys hand up its rear.”    Citizens of the world are equally shocked to hear dearly held beliefs are also untrue.  After refuting the Iraq/9-11 connection on Fox News, the former Vice President wishes to go to elementary schools to tell children there is no Santa.  Dozens of elementary and preschools across the country have been added to his public speaking tour.

Detailing the nature of his youth audience speeches, Cheney said he plans on having a Mall Santa on stage that he will punch out and strip of his Santa outfit in front of the children.  “’No magic here, kids!’ I think that will be an eye-opening moment for a lot of children.”  He hopes to end the presentations by taking an Elmo doll off the hand of a puppeteer and putting it in a blender.  “Then the kids can see it’s just felt and crap.”

Requests to book the “Iraq was never connected to 9-11, and also there’s no Santa” speaking tour by Dick Cheney can be made through his website.

UPDATE: Through a miraculous combination of teamwork and ingenuity, Santa Claus was saved and Christmas proceeded as scheduled.

Numerous attempts to free Santa from inside a giant block of ice failed. Blowtorches refused to start as a surprise blizzard came roaring through. Hammers and chisels made hardly a dent in the solid ice.

Finally, a daring combination of fresh chocolate chip cookies and gamma radiation saved the day. Head of the North Pole research department Sprinkles Von Bohrstein came up with the holiday saving idea to combine Santa’s favorite treat with a gamma powered “Cheer Emitter.” Mrs. Claus made up a fresh batch of chocolate chip cookies and placed them in front of the frozen Santa. Then Von Bohrstein aimed the experimental device at him, hoping the ice could be broken from the inside out.

Immediately results could be seen as Santa become hotter from the radiation and began to grow in size. With the thunderous crash of ice the mutated Santa Claus shattered his icy prison with a bellowing “Ho HO HOOOO!”

After a few cookies and a hug from his wife, Mr. Claus returned to his old self and immediately began preparations for his annual flight.

Receipt of presents by children all over the world proves that Santa Claus was able to make his run despite the setbacks. However due to his late start several wealthy families in Beverly Hills received glittery IOU’s attached to their fireplace.

December 24, 2008

NORTH POLE – Santa Claus has yet again been frozen in a block of ice.

Delaying critical Christmas preparation, the elf union is working overtime to thaw out the yule time celebrity.

After going on his traditional pre-holiday bender, Santa drunkenly fell asleep outside the reindeer stables and was quickly frozen in a solid block of ice.

Experts believe he may have been hitting the bottle harder than usual due to his difficulty in receiving a federal bailout.  Unsubstantiated reports say that Mrs. Claus may have been one of the unlucky victims taken in by the Madoff financial scheme.

A representative of the United Elvin Workers union confirmed that this is not the first time Santa has been frozen solid.  “He does this every year.  We’d hoped he would stay inside this year and just need a coffee the next morning.  But it looks like we’ll need to dust off the glitter-powered blowtorches again.”

Will Santa be freed in time? Updates will be forthcoming as the diminutive labor union works to save Christmas.

NEW YORK, NY – Holiday shoppers at Macy’s Department Store were surprised this week when PhD Ape brought his son and niece to meet Santa for the first time.

Junior was excited to sit in Santa’s lap and tell him what he wants for Christmas. PhD Ape’s niece Bobo managed to sit still long enough to take a photo with Santa before running off to eat the candy cane picket fence in front of Santa’s Workshop.

“Junior wouldn’t tell me what he asked for,” PhD Ape told reporters outside Macy’s. “But I’m pretty sure it involved bananas, a rope swing, and a Wii Fit.”

“If he’s a good boy, he’ll also have asked for new slippers and a box of Cubans for his father.” PhD Ape said with a wink.

During his lunch break, reporters asked Santa about meeting the young ape children.

“It was a little unnerving, to be honest. I thought they were adorable, sweet little things, but then Junior asked me if I have daddy issues and if that’s why I feel the need to provide children with love and presents.”

“He asked if I crave the approval of my peers. He is definitely his father’s son.”

WASHINGTON, DC – Santa Claus has requested a $14 million federal bailout to avoid a crash which could cancel Christmas.

The struggling world economy and increased costs of reindeer feed are cited as reasons why the North Pole is facing its first ever budget crisis.  Santa Claus spoke before Congress this week, requesting a portion of the $700 billion federal bailout fund to make sure Christmas can go ahead as usual.

Some representatives are highly critical of the request.  Jim DeMint (R. S.C) said, “Their business model brings in no income, they just give everything away.  I’m amazed they got this far.”

Mr. Claus spoke before Congress delivering an impassioned plea on behalf of the threatened holiday, asking for a $14 million loan to keep the North Pole afloat through the rest of the season.  He closed by saying “I will pay it back just as quick as I can, cross my heart and hope to diet”, leading the thoroughly charmed Congress in a brief chuckle.

Elf Unions are believed to be the cause of a hold up on a final deal.

Critics say that the United Elvin Workers are responsible for the North Pole’s collapse, demanding lavish wages for its workers.  However, research shows that the average elf gladly works 16 hours a day in exchange for food and shelter.  The last formal complaint made by the union requested five-minute song breaks every hour, extra tinsel allowances and improved handicapped bathroom access.

Congress is expected to hold a special session to iron out details and avoid a holiday crisis.

When asked if he would be using confidential information from his “Naughty List” to sway his opponents, Mr. Claus said “Right now all options are on the table.” Senator Norm Coleman squirmed in his seat.

BALTIMORE, MD – Bat Boy’s attempts at fitting in for the holidays have again failed miserably.

In the usual shopping center custom, the White Marsh Mall in Baltimore started their month-long Santa Claus residence. Part of America’s Christmas tradition includes children being brought to malls to sit on Santa’s knee and list off their requested items.

A lull in the line occurred when the children heard Best Buy had just received a shipment of Rock Band 2. Bat Boy, hiding in the cover of the giant Christmas tree, saw his one chance and took it. He scurried up to Santa, shrieking with excitement, and tried to hand over his guano-covered list.

Seeing only a blur of big pointy ears and sharp teeth, the mall Santa took off at high-speed, making it to the food court before tripping over his baggy red pants and crashing head first into the Cinnabon stand.

Weekly World News retrieved Bat Boy’s list, which consisted only of crudely-drawn pictures, including:
Nerf gun
Mario Kart Wii
Complete ‘The Naked Brothers Band’ DVD set
‘Wall-E’ sleeping bag