SAN FRANCISCO -  Stand-up comedian, Gallagher, badly injured himself  today in a performance at the Last Day Saloon when he mistook his own head for a watermelon.

World famous prop comic, Gallagher, has done more than 3,000 shows over 30 years – and has tirelessly toured,  bringing his unique brand of stand-up to concert halls, vegetable gardens and TV sets (via his Showtime specials) across the nation.

He’s most famously known for  smashing watermelons with a massive mallet.  He calls his mallet the Sledge-O-Matic.  “We love when he smashes a watermelon, it’s like watching The Beatles play Hey Jude,” said Gallagher groupie, Mindy Miller, 65.

But something went awry at the Last Day Saloon – Gallagher mistook his head for a watermelon.

“He came to the climax of his show and he brought out the watermelon.  The crowd went absolutely berserk. They knew what was coming. They had been waiting the entire show to see the watermelon.,” said Last Day patron, Skippy Morgan (37).  “Gallagher took out the Sledge-O-Matic, he lifted it in the air and then he seemed to get confused.   Maybe it was the flickering lights or maybe it was the three Shirley Temple’s he had before going on – but he turned away from the watermelon, put his head on the table and… BAM!  He smashed his head.”

Stagehands rushed out with a  gurney, but it was a prop gurney and it collapsed when Gallagher was put on it.  So, they put him on a gigantic American flag that Gallagher  always carries with him, but his head, which was barely attached at this point, began to sing the National Anthem, so they ducted tape his mouth shut and took him to the hospital.

In March, 2011 Gallagher suffered a heart attack on stage – and he made a full recovery.  Can he recover from a self-inflicted mallet-head wound?  Doctors aren’t saying.

Comics around the U.S. were devastated by the news.  “Who?” said Jerry Seinfeld.  “That’s what you get for beating up on watermelons,” said Steve Harvey.   “I learned everything I know from Gallagher,” said Jay Leno.

WWN wishes Gallagher a quick recovery and hope they put his head on straight.

SAN FRANCISCO – The Animal Control and Welfare Commission has banned the sale of goldfish.

The original law puts the squeeze on puppy and kitten mills that supply pet stores, and to discourage “impulse buys” of hamsters and other small pets that often wind up being dumped at shelters.

But now it covers goldfish, guppies and tropical fish.

“Most fish in aquariums are either mass bred” under inhumane conditions “or taken from the wild,” commission member Philip Gerrie said. That leads to “devastation of tropical fish from places like Southeast Asia,” he said.

The ban, which the commission just adopted after a year of study, was expanded to cover animal breeders as well as pet stores. As you might expect, it has local merchants like Ocean Aquarium owner Justin Hau dumbfounded.

“The city is taking more and more control,” Hau said. “They are very stupid.”

Commission President Sally Stephens, who opposed the ban because it would include small animal-breeding operations, says it’s up to the Board of Supervisors to make the final call.

“No more goldfish in San Francisco.  It’s done.” Stephens said.

The Commission recently approved a ban on declawing cats.

Supervisor Eric Mar, who introduced a measure Tuesday to keep big pet store chains out of the Richmond District, was noncommittal about the commission’s latest law.

Supervisor Sean Elsberand wasted no time in saying “this is another Animal Welfare idea that will go down in the history of San Francisco as a progressive city.”

There’s a magical garage door in the Upper Haight of San Francisco!

McMills Construction was working on an investment property on Oak Street, and they were scratching their heads over how to build a garage to enhance the tenant’s use of the building.

As we all know, it’s nearly impossible to consistently score a decent parking spot in the Upper Haight. The problem, you see, is that the city planning department had recently started enforcing its mandate to limit changes to the character of historic building’s front facades– especially when it came to converting bay windows into garage doors.

Corey McMills, who’s got a background in mechanical engineering, thought of an idea to covert the walls of the bay window into door panels that would fold into the garage space to allow cars to enter. The planning department accepted it. McMills Construction teamed up with Beausoleil Architects to help with the details. The result is brilliant.

Check it out:

SAN FRANCISCO  – A headband designed by EmSense, is being used by the U.S. government to record brainwaves as citizens watch TV.

The process of measuring brain reactions to something is known as ‘quantitative neurometrics’ and it can be carried out as you watch a computer or television screen.

The EmBand is being used by the government to track the brainwaves of citizens across the country.  The band measures how much attention you are paying, or your ‘cognitive engagement’, by evaluating brainwave activity.

This was the ad for the commercial use of the EmBand.

The ‘mobile armchair’ can be reclined and driven using a Kinect motion controller.  The U.S. government studies citizens by asking respondents to voluntarily share their information.

This has been compared to the controversial 1971 film A Clockwork Orange, where authorities try to psychologically modify the behavior of a teenage thug.

But this is not just a harmless commercial device.  The U.S. government has bought one hundred thousand of these devices and is already tracking millions of citizens.

Some citizens are concerned that the Obama Administration is using this technology to monitor the electorate.  “This is another power grab by Obama, but this time he is trying to grab our brains,” said Sarah Palin at a Tea Party rally in Wisconsin.

The government has already monitored more than 100,000 citizens.  After tracking the results, the FBI has arrested over 2,500 citizens for various thought crimes.

SAN FRANCISCO -  The City Council of San Francisco voted yesterday to outlaw circumcision.

The new law  makes it a misdemeanor to “circumcise, excise, cut or mutilate the…genitals” of all minors, and does not make exceptions for religious reasons.

The decision to permanently remove a boy’s foreskin should not be made by parents, says William Barfield, the author of the new law.

“People can practice whatever religion they want, but a man’s body is a man’s body,” said Barfield.  “His body doesn’t belong to his culture, his government, his religion or even his parents. It’s his decision.”

Some parents interviewed by WWN disagreed.

“What?  It’s my baby boy and I’m going to clip his wee-wee about five minutes after he’s born, because that’s the way we do things,” said Jefferson Tomkins of the Haight.

“Government can’t rule us on everything we do,” said Ashley Morter. The San Francisco mother told WWN that she had her son circumcised just 3 weeks prior. “It’s a health issue. It’s cleaner,” Morter said.

In July, a researcher from the Centers for Disease Control presented statistics showing that 32% of boys underwent the procedure in 2009. While the figure does not include circumcisions done outside of medical facilities, it’s a precipitous drop from the 56% of boys who were circumcised three years earlier in 2006.

Some supporters of male circumcision argue that the practice helps stop the spread of HIV and is more hygienic. Opponents say it can be painful and robs men of greater sexual sensation.

“We must stop genital mutilation in this country,” said Barfield.

SAN FRANCISCO – New evidence of Bigfoot’s existence:   he was spotted inside a San Francisco gay bar!

The 7ft tall mythic creature was seen bumping and grinding to Lady Gaga songs at Harvey’s, a gay bar in San Francisco.

There have been many rumors surrounding Bigfoot’s existence, but his recent spotting at a trendy gay bar marks the first time that animal experts have had to question his sexuality.

“I knew Bigfoot was real,” said Bill Tyson, leader of the Bigfoot Field Research Organization in Santa Clara. “I just didn’t know he was gay. I guess it makes sense, though. He does take wonderful care of his hair.”

Regulars at Harvey’s gay bar said that this was not the first time a “tall, dark, hairy stranger” was seen sipping martinis at the bar.

“I had no idea that was Bigfoot,” said Thom Fink, a regular at Harvey’s, “I’ve seen that guy here before. He’s got some of the best dance moves in the club. And did you see the size of his feet? You know what that means!”

According to descriptions from eyewitnesses, Bigfoot walked into the gay bar wearing a wearing a Dolce & Gabbana halter top and spandex leggings.  He then proceeded to go to the bar and order two “Fuzzy Navels.” After that, Bigfoot allegedly got up on stage and lip-synched a flawless rendition of Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive.”

The last time bystanders saw the mythic ape of the forest was around two o’clock in the morning, when Bigfoot is alleged to have left the club arm in arm with another large, hairy creature.

“Oh yeah, that was just Jerry,” said Mr. Fink, referring to Bigfoot’s new arm candy. “He looks like Bigfoot, kind of smells like him too.”

The Abominable Snowman, the first openly gay ape-like creature, told reporters that he was proud of Bigfoot’s decision to “come out of the forest.”

“This is a huge step for gay rights,” said the Abominable Snowman. “I mean literally. It’s a huge freaking step. We’re talking about Bigfoot here!”

SAN FRANCISCO – Today, September 29th, is officially “Get Naked Day.”  So let it all out!

This is the second annual Get Naked Day, which was created by two avowed nudsists, Tom Hillstrom of Palo Alto, CA and Jennifer Wilson, of Woostock, NY.

“Jennifer and I decided we wanted to share the joy we feel from being naked with our friends, families and co-workers.  Last year, in San Francisco, we announced the First Annual Get Naked Day and it was a smash hit,” said Hillstrom.  ”Offices, school, grocers stores… there were naked people everywhere!”

“We are all nudists.  We are born nude and we die nude, unless we have clothes on, but underneath we still are nude,” said Wilson.

The organizers of Get Naked Day are simply encouraging everyone – young, old, kids, seniors, blind, disabled, prisoners and healthcare workers to experience the joy of being nude.

“It’s really a way for us to promote peace, because underneath it all, we are all naked and if we all walk around and see that everyone is just as naked as we are, then we can unite the planet and end all wars,” said Hillstrom.

“We thought about calling it Get Naked for Peace Day, but that was too hard to remember, so we are just going with Get Naked Day,” said Wilson.

Organizers are hoping to get 20% of all citizens in America to take off their clothes and walk around in the buff all day.  “We want 20% naked this year, 30% naked next year and by 2020, we want 80% of America to be naked on September 29th.  We have a dream,” said Hillstrom.

“Dogs and cats get to be naked, why can’t we?” said Sunshine Kilo – a San Francisco resident who not only gets naked on September 29th, but is naked most every other day of the year, much to her neighbor’s chagrin.

“She’s got a saggy pimple butt, who wants to look at a damned saggy pimple butt all day long,” said Roland Johnson. “Disgusting.”

Hillstrom responded. “It’s not about’ the looking’, it’s about ‘the being’.  And frankly, I love her butt.  It’s a good-looking butt.”

Well, what is disgusting to some is beauty to others.  Either way, just Get Naked!

Members of the Get Naked Club of Chicago have taken it a step forward.  They are urging everyone in Illinois to Vote Naked in November.  Check it out!:

SAN FRANCISCO -  After a judge overturned California’s same-sex marriage ban, he ordered all gays married “by next year.”

U.S. District Judge Vaughn Walker toppled California’s Proposition 8 yesterday. Gays and lesbians celebrated all across the state. Opponents planned to seek a reversal at the Ninth U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals.

The Californians who had no opinion on the Judge’s decision – remained steadfast in being clueless. One apathetic surfer said, “dude, I don’t care about marriage. I’m just  glad the dude legalized pot.”  For the record, the surfer is incorrect, the Judge did not make any ruling about marijuana. Yet…

But Judge Walker didn’t stop at just overturning Prop 8, he had more to say on the issue.  “I am a strong believer in marriage. It’s good for everyone and good for the country.  Therefore, I am hereby ordering ALL single gay men and  lesbians to be married by this time next year.”

Many gays and lesbians were outraged by Judge Walker’s bizarre proclamation. “Why do I have to get married?” said thirty-year-old Val Trinkley. “I’m in my prime.  I don’t want to settle down yet!” Val’s current partner, Randall Marcus, turned to Val and said, “Well, that’s news to me, honey. I thought you said I was the one?”

Val and Randall were last seen screaming at each other at a bus stop on Castro Street.  Randall was crying – but according to Val, “he’s always crying!”

Many lesbians were happy with the judge’s proclamation. Jillian Yablonsky told WWN, “What a relief. If I know I have to get married, then Susie and I can stop incessantly talking about our relationship and get on with it.”  Others feel that the judge is trying to impose his moral values on them.  “What’s he going to do next?  Order us to have kids?”   Actually, the Judge is considering that idea.

WWN reporters were allowed into Judge Walker’s chambers to discuss his decision. Judge Walker said,  “Look, parents are always pressuring their kids to get married and, well… I want to fill that role for  the gays and lesbians of California.  I say to them… What are you waiting for? Get married?!”

When the judge was told that it wasn’t fair to the many gays and lesbians in their teens and twenties, Judge Walker amended his decision. It now reads:  “all California gay men and lesbians, over the age of 30, must be married by August 4th, 2011… or else you will receive a severe fine and a severe tongue-lashing from me.  What are you waiting for? Get married!”

In related news, several busloads of divorce lawyers were seen heading into California. As one lawyer said, “First comes marriage, then comes divorce, then comes… a big paycheck for me!”

Both sides of the Prop 8 debate agree on one thing:  lawyers always ruin a good love story.

“What are you waiting for?! Get married!”

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger vetoed a financing bill in an unorthodox manner.

Schwarzenegger vetoed the Assembly Bill 1176, which would have ultimately assisted San Francisco with financing concerns.

These types of city-specific bills are often signed without much comment from the Governor. The bill would have created specific financing districts and allowed the City to give them different financing plans.

However, Schwarzenegger returned the unsigned bill with a strange memo:

While Assemblymen were confused by his convoluted note, they soon noticed a controversial hidden message!

Was this an accident? Or did the Governor inappropriately act out?

Schwarzenegger has yet to comment on the found message.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – To celebrate board game Candy Land’s 60th anniversary, an every day street was transformed into the magical land!

575 feet of curvy Lombard Street was taken over yesterday to stage the replication. The brick road was covered in interlocking squares of blue, yellow, orange, red, green and purple, the colors of the board game’s own path.

Children from the UC San Francisco Children’s Hospital and Friends of the Children organization competed in teams to advance down the street. Adults dressed up as game characters such as Princess Lolly, Princess Frostine and King Kandy (played by a dentist!), and spectators lined up along the sides to cheer them on the kids.

Check out video of the spectacular set-up below: