YELLOWSTONE PARK, WY – Scientists announced that a super volcano exists underneath Yellowstone National Park.

Scientists recently made known that a super volcano lurks just below the surface of the ground in Yellowstone National Park. This subterranean behemoth has not made a peep in the past 640,000 years but scientists speculate that this molten monster is sure to erupt…eventually. And when it does we are all doomed for sure.

Upon eruption the super volcano is predicted to spew lava and ash 25 plus miles into the air. The magnitude of the eruption will be thousands of times more powerful than that of the Mount St. Helens disaster in 1980. The eruption will also put the Icelandic disaster to shame by wiping out most of United States, leaving only 1/3 of the country inhabitable.

With the impending doom of the super volcano, the US government has decided to initiate Project Cover-up. Within the next two years the US plans to build an explosion proof, park wide bio-dome that will protect the rest of the country in the event of a large scale eruption.

“We have to preemptively strike against Mother Nature just like we did with Iraq,” explained General Patraeus, who has ordered the US Army Corps Engineers (ACE) to begin the design and construction of the structure.

ACE has struck a deal with Ashai, the Japanese corporation that manufactures Dragontail, for the glass exoskeleton that will surround the entire park. Dragontail is a super strong scratch and explosive resistant glass. Ashai’s main competition is CorningWare, who produces Gorilla Glass. Gorilla Glass is supplied to many flat panel television manufactures like Samsung, Sony and Insignia and touch screen smart phone manufacturers like HTC, Motorola, and Apple.

“We are every excited to start this project,” said Saruwatari Michiyo, head of PR and Marketing at Ashai, “the amount of revenue that we will receive from this project will allow our R & D department to leap light years ahead of Corning and their wimpy Gorilla Glass.”

Parks officials assured the public that the ecosystem of Yellowstone would not be disrupted by the construction. They continued by explaining that the general public would still be able to enter the famous National Park. The only difference being that there will now only be four entrances, one at the northeast, northwest, southeast and southwest corners of the park. In addition to the limited ingress and egress, all visitors will be required to sign a disclaimer upon entering, acknowledging that in the event of an eruption all exits will be sealed and they will be trapped inside to fend for themselves.

CHICHEN ITZA, YUCATAN, MEXICO – Shocking news on the heels of Samsung’s bid for SanDisk: archaeologists have discovered what appears to be a gigantic Universal Serial Bus port on the side of Mayan ruins, with an ancient SanDisk flash drive embedded in it!

“If this is true, it changes everything,” said David Carlson, PhD, an archaeologist with the University of Atlanta, who has been examining ruins of the Mayan civilization in Southern Mexico for over 20 years.

“It is unclear what the ultimate purpose is, but if I had to hypothesize, I would say that this particular Mayan temple is a part of an ancient supercomputer,” says Carlson.  “Perhaps one day the aliens who made contact with the Maya will return with a gigantic external hard drive, through which they will download their secrets.”