I’m madder than a drag queen who’s run out of duct tape over this gay marriage business.

Marriage is meant to be between one man and one woman – and one mother-in-law. If these namby-pambies get their druthers, the next step is same-sex in-laws!

Mark my words: every husband in America will have to have not one but TWO mothers in law, on the Supreme Court’s say so. Then men will be twice as wrong about everything, and driving too fast twice as often, too. Twice the nagging, twice the chores – and double the stink of Absorbine Jr you can’t get out of the damn house! (Why do you think they call it “Ben-Gay”? It’s all part of the conspiracy!)

You won’t be left out, wives. With TWO mothers in law, you’ll get twice the snide remarks about your “interesting” new hairdo or recipe for stuffing, and twice the “tsk tsks” when you reach for that second Krispy Kreme.

It’ll be equality gone crazy!

Those Gay Pride Parades were bad enough. My fellow Americans, the Man Upstairs didn’t mean for us to prance buck naked down Main Street U.S.A, in the fresh air and sunshine, playing disco music full blast. That’s why He gave us dark, smoky strip joints with sticky floors.

This all started when they put Paul Lynde in the center square. Ever since then, those gay libbers kept squeezing more K-Y onto the slippery slope, and America is going to hell in a fruit basket.

Soon our kids will be reciting the Pledge of Gay-legiance in school!

Call me a “homoglobin” if you will. But when they carve Cher’s face onto Mount Rushmore, don’t say I didn’t warn you!

PASADENA, CA – eHarmony has once again come under serious scrutiny.  Critics of the popular dating site allege that it does not allow for humans to be paired up with aliens.

After defending its practice of excluding same-sex couples, eHarmony must again stand by its methods. Founder Neil Clark Warren, PhD, psychologist and author of several books about relationships, claims that he simply has not done the same amount of research on alien matchmaking as he has with human matchmaking.

“You gotta be kidding me,” exclaimed an exasperated Warren.  “I’m not even convinced aliens exist.  How would I even know what they like in a mate?”

Prentice Fusilier, attorney from the Intergalactic Civil Liberties Union, filed a lawsuit on behalf of their reclusive client, Zanbar, claiming that eHarmony’s policy against aliens violates California’s laws prohibiting discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation.

“Orientation?  We don’t know if these things have orientations… or genders for that matter,” persisted Warren.

Fusilier is hoping to get a decision in the case before the ultra-conservative Overlord-elect Zorock comes in to power.