PATERSON, NJ  -  Chris Christie and Barack Obama inked a deal to play Abbott & Costello in a remake of a classic film – Abbott & Costello meet Frankenstein.

This weekend President Barack Obama flew to New Jersey to survey the flood damage.    He was met at the airport by New Jersey Governor, Chris Christie.  The two men immediately hit it off.

“It was like they were best friends their whole lives,” said a source closet to President Obama.  “They both love Earth, Wind & Fire, they’re both lawyers and they both love junk food.  They were like ‘brothers from a different mother.’”

Hollywood Producer Harvey Weinstein was also with the two political leaders and he immediately saw the cinematic potential of the two men working together on-screen.  He told them they should play Abbott & Costello in a movie.

The two men immediately took to the idea and they stood up and did the “Who’s On First” skit, which surprisingly both men had memorized.

Chris Christie is the perfect portly size to play Lou Abbott and Barack Obama is slim enough, and tall enough, to be Bud  Costello.    Abbott is described usually as  dumb and happy and Costello is clever and sly.  They are perfect.

“It was amazing to watch them together,” said Jay Carney, the White House Press Secretary. Chris Christie does a dead-on impersonation of Lou Abbott and Barack Obama just kills as his straight man.

Weinstein signed both men up for a remake of the classic film, “Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein.”  The men agreed to the terms quickly.   “The only part of the deal where there was some conflict was about the role of Frankenstein.  “Christie wanted George Soros to play Frankenstein, and Barack Obama wanted Rush Limbaugh to play Frankenstein.”  In the end they settled on Justin Bieber for the role.  “They want to have full star power for the movie,” Weinstein said.

Weinstein said the film won’t start shooting until both men have more time – which he speculated would be in February 2013.

Christie and Obama are already in meetings about their new roles.

WASHINGTON – President Obama declared today, August 18th,  “National Recall Day.”   So… send it back!

“Send it back!  Send it back!”  That was the chant heard on the National Mall today as hundreds of thousands of Americans gathered to celebrate National Recall Day.

The day got off to a bang with a massive egg recall. The official reason given was that there was a feared salmonella contamination in cartons which have the plants numbers P-1026, P-1413, and P-1946.  The unofficial reason is that… the government doesn’t want you to eat eggs today. They’re bad for you!  “Stay away from eggs, they’ll kill you!” shouted a hysterical Senator Al Franken.  Senator Franken was then pelted with over three thousand tainted eggs, which actually made him quite happy.  He put on on his old Saturday Night Live diaper and danced across the stage.

Next up was a recall of Mazda cars: Mazda3 and Mazda5.  The official reason given was that there may be a loss of power in the power steering while driving (why would that be a problem?) in cars built from April 2007 through November 2008. GM felt left out of the party so they recalled 250,000 crossover vehicles, the 2009-2010 Chevrolet Traverse, Buick Enclave, GMC Acadia and Saturn Outlook, and due to a seat belt problem.

The unofficial reason given by White House Staff was: “Cars cause climate change.  Don’t drive. Walk everywhere.”  Harry Reid gave a rousing speech about going back to the horse-and-buggy, “that’s when American was America and horses where horses!”

Then Julius Genachowski,  the 45-year-old head of the Federal Communications Commission took to the stage and announced the recall of radio talk show host Dr. Laura Schlessinger.  Genachowski told the crowd that it was not true that Dr. Laura quit.  “We recalled her. We can’t have people on the air saying things that we don’t like.  We’re going to put a stop to that from now on!”  The crowd erupted into a loud chant of “Send her back! Send her back!”  When Genachowski asked where Dr. Laura was being recalled to he responded, “We’re sending her to Afghanistan, where she’ll be stoned.  That’s the kind of justice we want here.”

Dr. Laura was brought on stage and Al Franken pelted her with eggs.

Genachowski then announced that he will be aggressively pursuing the recall of Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck and Sean Hannitty.  “The time has come. We must recall all Republicans.  We must recall them now!”

The rest of the day was filled with minor celebrity recalls (Erykah Badu, Snooki, Steve Slater) and some more product recalls (the Snuggie, iPhone 4s and the vuvuzela), and the crowd got excited about recalling ALL politicians in Washington, but the big news came when President Obama took to the stage and said that he was recalling The First Amendment and The Second Amendment.  “These amendments are dangerous to the citizens of the United States and they need to be recalled,” the President said.

The crowd started to shout “Send it back! Send it back!”  but police moved in and quickly silenced the crowd.

WHAT do YOU want to recall today?  WHO do YOU want to recall today?

Happy National Recall Day!!

Here’s the official government recall website: recall.gov.   But it hasn’t been updated in months.

Every year, all the right wing big shots get together in Washington, D.C. at that CPAC thing. And they never ever invite me to their shindig!

That’s no way to treat one of the pioneers of this whole movement, let alone a decorated veteran of Pork Chop Hill like yours truly!

Dammit, I was ranting against big government and commies and fluoride in the water when William F. Buckley was still on training skis.

But do they ever ask me to come to their big party and give a fancy speech, like they do Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck? NEVER!

If it wasn’t for me, none of those young whippersnappers would have their million dollar contracts and private jets and their faces on the cover of LIFE magazine!

I can’t be completely ticked off, though, because there was some good news this week: that “global warming” scam is falling apart faster than a Prius in the fast lane!

All those egghead scientists are quitting their jobs and admitting they made stuff up and the dog ate their homework and saying they want to kill themselves!

Here’s what we need to do: let’s get the Supreme Court to overturn the 2000 election, let Al Gore be President after all – then impeach him for his “global warming” crap that’s made us waste trillions of dollars!

I dare those Bilderburger Beltway boys in their hundred dollar suits at the big rightwing shindig to put THAT on the agenda! But no! They’re too busy drinking their highballs and chomping their cigars to do something REALLY radical!

That’s ok. Your old pal Ed Anger will still be fighting to save these great United States – all alone if I have to!

Want a little more Anger? Check out Ed’s own site at EdAnger360.com

NASHVILLE, TN – Sarah Palin caught cheating at the keynote address at the Tea Party convention.  Incident will go on her permanent record.

Over the weekend former Governor Sarah Palin delivered the keynote address to the first annual Tea Party convention in Tennessee.  She spoke about several topics including how Democrat policies will turn the country into a socialist post apocalyptic wasteland, general conservative talking points, and who is allowed to use the word “Retard.”  For ten minutes she made jokes about President Obama and his dependence on teleprompters.  Photographic evidence has shown that she was also given notes during her speech, but wrote them on her hand.  If this will affect her standing with the arch-conservative Tea Party remains to be seen, as they have yet to correctly use the term “Irony.”

Palin criticized Democratic policies for nearly an hour without ever being too specific.  Most of her political critique consisted of “Democrats are like this…” then repeating quotes in a silly voice while crossing her eyes and flailing her arms.  The crowd loved it.  “I mean, Socialized Healthcare, Oh my god!  Right?”  She continued “And President Obama, what kind of butthead can be President for a year and get nothing done?  I’m not going to reduce myself to name calling here, I’m just asking a question.  His actions are leading this country straight into chaos and it will take serious measures to get us back on track!”

She mentioned that Rahm Emmanuel should be fired for referring to people as “Retards.”  She also said that it’s okay when Rush Limbaugh calls his opponents “Retards.”  “Because he’s Rush, ya know?  When he says it, it’s, you know, whatever!  You get it, right crowd?”  The crowd cheered in support of her argument.  After her speech she asked everyone to friend her on facebook and twitter.

Though Democrats are criticizing Palin for writing notes on her hand, and referring to them often when she was asked questions, it is unlikely she will face any repercussions within the Republican party.  One insider states “she’s just way to popular to get in trouble.”  Another anonymous source says, “Oh yeah, when you’re that popular and pretty, people let you get away with anything.  Like last year she totally lost her son, then three months later found him in the back of a closet.  Everybody just covered for her afterwords.”

Talk of succession was rampant, despite not being on the official agenda.  Overall the week long event led to a stronger and more polarized Tea Party as a whole, unified by the poor decisions made after “discount moonshine happy hours” at local bars.

I’m madder than a cheerleader with a busted pom-pom!

So now Rush Limbaugh can’t buy a football team because some commies made up stories about him!

I don’t get why you have to make up stories about the guy anyhow. He’s been married three times and hooked on hillbilly pills and once he even tried to eat half of Rhode Island – but that’s not bad enough?

Nope, cuz in the NFL, that stuff just makes him normal. Between the football players on drugs and the ones that kill dogs, the whole bunch of them are stupid, stoned, violent and crazy.

But the way they talk about Rush, you’d think he was O.J. Simpson!

It’s pretty rich hearing Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson yelling at Rush, too. Those two guys are no better Billy Mays and the Sham Wow guy, but they sell b.s. instead of Ginsu Knives. And hell, those damn knives worked pretty good too!

The difference is, Al and Jesse don’t have to buy time on tv – idiot reporters put them on for nothing.

Trouble is: nobody who likes Rush wants to give up their tv football or pricey jerseys or their tailgating parties to get back at the League. They’re still gonna paint half their faces orange and hand their cash over to the bad guys.

Next time Rush should try to buy Hollywood or the New York Times or something his fans don’t care about! Those things lie too but nobody notices anymore.

Me? I’m just scared Glenn Beck might try to buy up Dunkin’ Donuts!

WASHINGTON, DC – Barney Frank has challenged Rush Limbaugh to a duel of one-liners.

After Limbaugh made what some are calling a homophobic joke at Barney Frank’s expense, he has again fallen under criticism for going too far.  Barney Frank has responded by challenging him to a Zing-Off, a contest of one-liners judged by a bipartisan triumvirate of judges.

The conflict started Wednesday afternoon when Limbaugh commented on Barney Franks town hall.  Barney Frank said to a woman who was holding a picture of Obama as Hitler, comparing health reform to eugenics, “On what planet do you spend most of your time?”

Limbaugh shot back at Frank, on his radio show Wednesday, “Isn’t it an established fact that Barney Frank himself spends most of his time living around Uranus?”  A reference to the fact that Frank is an openly gay member of Congress.

In a post show interview Limbaugh admitted that writing the joke took him about 3 hours, but he was very proud of how it turned out.

Limbaugh is an admitted huge fan of stereotype humor, jokes based on broad stereotypes.  Critics are wondering if this will cost him, and Vegas odds put him at 1/3 based purely on this strategy.  Frank is known to rely heavily on compliant-based humor, popular among many Jewish comedians.  If his response to the Town Hall heckler is any indication, it will be difficult for Limbaugh to throw Frank off his game.

The competition will be overseen by a bipartisan triumvirate of judges including Joan Rivers, Kathy Griffin, and Don Rickles.

Like many previous disputes Limbaugh has been involved in, this one will be settled on Pay-Per-View.  Limbaugh says “This will be too easy!  But Barney’s used to guys pounding him into oblivion.”  Frank responded, “Put down the Twinkie and bring it!”

WASHINGTON, DC – This weekend, former Vice President Dick Cheney said Rush Limbaugh was his model Republican. Thousands of young republicans around the country are making daring changes to live up to their new conservative ideal.

On Face the Nation this Sunday, Dick Cheney was invited on to speak about his ideas regarding the future of the Republican Party.  In this interview, Cheney stated he believed the model Republican would be popular radio host Rush Limbaugh.  He went on to describe the various ways that Republicans should follow the Rush example.

“Parents should be pulling their kids out of college,” said Dick Cheney.  “I mean, if you love your country and you’re a patriot, you won’t send your children to college.  These are institutions that brainwash impressionable young minds with their liberal agenda.  Giving your money to something like that, you might as well be funding terrorism.  They are the real threat to America’s future.  Now look at Rush Limbaugh.  He makes more money per year than some African nations and he never finished college.  He got kicked out after one year!”

Republicans have taken his words to heart and are now taking drastic measures to live up to the newly anointed model of Conservativism.

Republican families are pulling their children out of college in record numbers.  In less than 24 hours, 6000 students have been pulled out of classes by enraged Republican families.  Sarah Lawrence College saw a riot last night between the local community and the student body.  A drum circle was trampled by angry goats brought by members of the local 4H club, and three hackey sacks were placed in the rectum of the Dean of Philosophy.  The school has shut down until the tension has passed.

Republicans not in college are finding other ways to follow in Rush’s feet.  Conservative eating contests are being organized around the country.  Hot dogs, apple pie, and other Americana treats are the favorites at these competitions designed to put on pounds and raise money for military families.

Dick Cheney concluded his interview this Sunday by saying that Rush would play a key role in the marketing of a re-branded Republican Party.  “He’s going to be a part of the new marketing push we do to get our image out there.  The image is Rush being anointed as the head of the GOP naked on the top of Mount Rushmore.  It’s all in black and white, real classy.”  He then appeared to get lost in his own thoughts, “Yeah, real classy…”

Mother’s Day is upon us and, like every year, it has snuck up without warning. Now is the time for progeny throughout the country to find something at the last minute to tell our mothers we think about them when holidays tell us to.  Below are some of Weekly World News best suggestions for last minute Mothers Day gifts.

Shrunken Head – Scares away pesky neighborhood kids and makes a great conversation piece!

Monkey’s Paw – Give her the gift that keeps on giving.  At least three times anyway.  Three wishes will be hers with a genuine monkey’s paw.  Guessing how the paw will distort her wishes to teach a moral lesson is half the fun!

William Shatner – What better way is there to say “Thank you for bringing me into the world” than William Shatner.  For the right price you can rent out the original Captain Kirk for a day, where he will serenade your mother with a song, his free verse poetry, or wine and dine her with his famous Shatner-Charm.  (We are not responsible for any negative effects caused by knowing your mom was woo’ed William Shatner)

President Obama Commemorative Dishes – Either display them proudly to remember his historic inauguration, or teabag his image nightly to show your dissent.

Frosty Mugs – There’s nothing Moms love better than a tall frosty beer after a hard days work.  Take these out of the freezer and say, “Mom, it’s your day.  You should drink more.”

Hunky Men of Conservatism Calendar – See all your favorites-Michael Steele, Sean Hannity, Bobby Jindal, and Rush Limbaugh-posing as Firemen, Ranch Hands, and other blue-collar Americana jobs in this spicy calendar.

Browning 9mm Semi-Automatic Pistol – Help Mom be ready for the coming zombie apocalypse with this high rated semi-automatic hand gun.  Also useful if she’s in a sub-par nursing facility.

Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome – What mothers don’t love this movie?  The special edition comes with its own Tina Turner wig she can wear around the house.

A Date with Bat Boy – America’s favorite mutant has his bow tie and a handful of fresh picked flowers ready to go for the right mother this weekend.  Send in your requests in the comments section below, and the best comment will win the opportunity to send their mother on a date with Bat Boy.  He promises to be a perfect gentleman and treat one lucky mother to an evening of hand holding and sunsets she’ll never forget.

WASHINGTON, DC – The Hill was shocked as Pennsylvania’s senior Senator, Republican Arlen Specter, announced he was switching parties – because of the babes!

With rumors mounting for weeks about a likely showdown in the Republican Primary, Specter has in recent weeks made moves to seemingly  reestablish his place as a traditional Republican politician.  His rejection of the Employee Free Choice Act is the most recent example.

Specter, along with the other moderate Republican Senators Susan Collins and Olympia Snowe, have found themselves very popular thus far in the Obama Presidency, as their votes are frequently courted to break fillibuster threats over populist and progressive legislation such as the 2009 Bail Out.

However, Specter’s recent and frequent siding with the Democratic majority was surprisingly not his primary reason for abandoning the party he has been a part of for nearly three decades.

“I love the Republican Party and what it stands for,” Specter told reporters during a news conference Wednesday.  “However, the Republican Party we see today is not the same Party I joined when I first ran for Congress in 1980.  The face has changed and so have the ideals.”

“I mean, c’mon, seriously, where are the babes?  What kind of Party have we become when Bachmann is considered our top tier?”

Specter was referring to Minnesota Representative and supposed “hottie to the max” Michelle Bachmann, who gained notoriety just before the 2008 Election for inflammatory rhetoric on the campaign trail.

“You can’t tell me that’s the best we can do.  She looks like the Nanny.  Worse, she sounds like her,” Specter continued. “I’ll take a cool, laid back babe like Sebelius over a dolled-up trollop like Palin any day.”

Specter’s about-face and critique of the Party did not go over well with many of his former colleagues. Republican demagogue and talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, was quick to criticize the move.

“Who does this guy think he is?” Limbaugh bellowed on his daily radio show program shortly after the announcement.  “Who is he to say that the Republican Party doesn’t know how to attract babes?  Have you seen Cindy McCain?  Have you seen Sarah Palin? These broads are stone cold foxes.”

“What does the Democratic Party have?  Hillary Clinton?  Ruth Bader Ginsberg?  Just the thought of those women makes me think I’ll never pitch a tent again, if you know what I mean.”

“You know what?!  I say good riddance!  Take Meghan McCain with you.  She’d fit right in and we don’t want her!”

But not all of Specter’s former Republican Colleagues were so immediate in their dismissal. Maine Senator Olympia Snowe showed her usual middle of the road Independence and restraint. “When I heard the news, it was not easy to prevent myself from jumping to conclusions,” Snowe responded.

“How could I not take this decision personally?  Arlen and I have been friends and colleagues for over twenty years.  I know we’re not as young as we used to be, but I certainly think I’m still pretty good looking.”

When reached for comment, Senator Specter said, “Oh I never meant for Olympia to take this decision personally.  I certainly was not including her in my early comments or during my personal deliberations.  Olympia is a babe, for sure.  She is the definition of Cougar.”

“I know that many high ranking Democrats have reached out to her hoping she would consider switching Parties.  Let me say clearly and on the record: Olympia, babe, you would fit right in!”