WASHINGTON -  The White House announced that Michelle Obama is pregnant with the couple’s third child.

“Michelle Obama is pregnant,”  White House sources said. White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, told WWN he would not confirm or deny the rumor.   But WWN has confirmed that Michelle Obama is about two months into her pregnancy and the President and First Lady expect to have the baby sometime in late May, 2012.

There was a great deal of mystery about the whereabouts of the President and First Lady this summer.   There were many rumors about where they might be (Martha’s Vineyard, Chicago, Kenya)-  but now we know.  The happy couple was spending quality time together in the White House, making a new baby.

The last time a baby was born in the White House was Patrick Bouvier Kennedy.  He was born on August 7, 1963 and only lived two days. Patrick was the youngest child of President John F. Kennedy and First Lady Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy and brother to Caroline Kennedy and John F. Kennedy Jr.

The President and First Lady are “ecstatic” about the news of a new baby.    Michelle Obama, 48,  and Barack Obama, 50,  waited almost seven years before having children.  Their first daughter, Malia Ann Obama was born on July 4, 1999 and Natasha (often called “Sasha”)was born two years later on June 10, 2001.

It is too early to determine if the baby is a boy or a girl, but William Daley, the President’s Chief of Staff, reportedly said that the President is hoping they have a boy.  “I’d love to see Barack Jr. in the White House some day,” he reportedly said.

President Obama is hoping the baby will spend it’s first four years of life in the White House.  He has also created a Baby Czar to handle the preparations for the Baby Shower and Baby Party.

PIMA COUNTY, AZ  – The U.S. Department of Interior has released a Chupacabra into Arizona in an attempt to get the State to repeal their new immigration law.

After the U.S. Justice Department filed suit Tuesday against Arizona, Secretary of the Interior, Ken Salazar had the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service release the Chupacabra or “goat sucker”  into Saguaro National Park in Pima County.  Salazar, acting on orders from President Obama,  said,  “We are encouraging Arizonans to repeal their immigration law before it goes into affect on July 29th, or we will be forced to release more Chupacabras into Arizona towns, cities and Home Depot parking lots.”

Upon learning of the release of the creature into her state, Arizona Governor Jan Brewer was defiant,  “Bring it on! We’ve dealt with aliens, monsters and mutants in Arizona for the last fifty years – especially since Don Imus moved into the state. Arizonans don’t scare easy. The feds can send in a Bigfoot Army if they want, we will take them on.  And we will win!”

White House Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, told Wolf Blitzer at CNN, that the U.S. government will use “any means necessary” to get the people of Arizona to comply with U.S. Immigration laws.  When Major Garrett of Fox News pointed out that Arizona seems to be in full compliance with existing federal immigration laws, Gibbs shouted “Chupacabra! Chupacabra! Chupacabra!”

There is a good deal of mystery surrounding the Chupacabra.  Some believe the Chupacabra (much like Immigration Reform) is a myth – something that never has or never will exist.  Some witnesses believe the Chupacabra to be a small half-alien, half-dinosaur, others think he is a tailless vampire with quills running down its back and still others believe him to be a panther like creature with a long snake-like tongue.

State authorities advise Arizona residents to avoid making any contact with the Chupacabra.   Federal authorities, on the other hand, advise Arizonans to approach and pet the Chupacabra.

In related news, Governor Jan Brewer found a horse’s head in her bed when she returned home on Tuesday night.  Authorities have not determined who placed the head in the Governor’s mansion, though one eyewitness said he saw White House Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel, riding a donkey nearby.

WASHINGTON – President Obama has finally quit smoking!   But now he’s drinking like a fish.

First Lady Michelle Obama said President Obama finally kicked his smoking habit and has not had a puff for about a year.
She revealed that during a lunch interview with ten print reporters who cover the East Wing. The meeting was organized to mark the first anniversary Wednesday of her “Let’s Move” anti-childhood obesity campaign.

Michelle Obama also revealed on “Live with Regis and Kelly” that the reason the President stopped smoking was because she the First Lady is pregnant with their third child. “I told Barack, that if he’s still smoking when our baby is born in July, I am leaving him.  That gave him the “push” he needed to kick the habit.”

When asked by reporters if the President had given up smoking for good, Mrs. Obama’s said, “Yes he has, yes he has. Very proud,” she added. “Totally.”

In 2007, Mrs. Obama made her husband promise to quit smoking as a condition to getting her support for his presidential bid.   She supported him, he won the election and… he kept smoking like a chimney.

“It’s been almost a year,” Mrs. Obama said of Obama’s last smoke. “But I don’t know exactly when because he never smoked a lot to begin with, so I never saw him smoke.” For those who want to know more about his smoking habit, “You have to talk to him.”

Unfortunately, both Mrs. Obama and White House staff that the President has started drinking more.  “He has at least 6-12 beers a day.  Guy drinks like a fish,”  said John Rosshirt, an Assistant to White House Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs.

“If he’s not drowing himself in coffee, he’s at the bar in the East Wing throwing back a few pints of Budweiser,” said Sally Jackson, Michelle Obama’s Chief of Staff.

White House Staff are beginning to grow concerned.  “He usually stumbles upstairs at the midnight,” said new White House Chief of Staff, Richard Daley.  “We have to put a stop to it.”

After Obama’s interview with Bill O’Reilly, which aired on Super Bowl sunday, Obama reportedly drank two six-packs.  “Can you blame him?  A blowhard like O’Reilly in his face for an hour, who wouldn’t drink?” said Vice President Joe Biden.

Asked whether he planned on having an intervention to get Barack to stop drinking, Daley said, “Yes, we are thinking of sending the President to rehab in the spring.  I think it’s something most Americans can relate to.”

Meanwhile, Michelle Obama keeps focused on her “healthy eating” initiatives.  “Even when Barack is drinking heavily, he eats well,” said the First Lady.

WASHINGTON, DC -  WH Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, resigned today because  Michelle Obama was not happy that he leaked information about her pregnancy.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs says it’s been a “remarkable privilege” to be President Barack Obama’s top spokesman, “even when you wake up at 4 and pick up the paper and groan.”

But Michelle Obama is happy to see him go.  She was extremely unhappy that he leaked the news of her new pregnancy.  WWN broke the story on Sunday, January 2nd.

You can READ THE FULL REPORT HERE.

Gibbs forgot the Golden Rule of the White House:  ‘You do not want to get Michelle upset.”

Today Gibbs announced his departure from the White House by telling reporters that “I would not trade the worst days here for many of the best days at another job.”  Clearly, this is one of the worst days.

Gibbs leaked the information about Michelle Obama’s pregnancy to the major news outlets, including WWN, and was reprimanded by both Michelle Obama and Barack Obama.   The White House is now officially denying that Michelle Obama is pregnant, but WWN spoke with Michelle Obama’s doctor today and he confirmed that she is expecting a baby boy next July.

“Michelle Obama is pregnant,” said Dr. Michael D’Alessandro of John Hopkins Medical Center. “The baby is healthy and the parents are both thrilled about having another baby.”

Gibbs originally said he will leave the podium after the upcoming State of the Union address — but Michelle Obama already had his office packed up.  “He’ll be in Chicago by tomorrow morning,” said the temporary White House Press Secretary, Jonell Markum.

In a written statement, President Obama hailed Gibbs as “a close friend, one of my closest advisers and an effective advocate from the podium.” But he felt “sad” that Gibbs would temporarily “lose his mind” and reveal Michelle’s pregnancy to the public.  “He wasn’t thinking,” said President Obama.

Gibbs was Obama’s spokesman during the 2008 presidential campaign, having joined the future president’s team when Obama ran for U.S. Senate in 2004.

The Alabama-born Gibbs is a vocal supporter of Auburn University who shares Obama’s enthusiasm for sports.  But Auburn has distanced itself from Gibbs since he “tattled” on Michelle Obama.  “That ain’t something an Auburn Tiger would do,” said Auburn President, Jeb Stuart.

And for the record… Michelle Obama is still pregnant.

NEW YORK – Obama sings with Jon Stewart’s F.U. Choir on Comedy Central’s “Daily Show” tonight.

President Obama will be the first president to appear on Comedy Central’s “Daily Show”, appearing just days before crucial midterm elections that could reshape his presidency.

White House staff and audience members were shocked to see President Obama sing with Jon Stewart’s F.U. Choir during the taping.  Stewart and Obama were talking about the Tea Party and how the Republicans could take control of the House and the Senate and then… music came on and the choir stepped onto the stage.  The President grabbed a microphone, dedicated the song to Republicans and Tea Party Patriots and sang…  “Go F*&^ Yourself” over and over again.

The audience loved it, but several White House staffers, and Secret Service agents, went into cardiac arrest.

The President loved singing the song and vowed to reprise it on the campaign trail this weekend.  NPR is also going to release a recording of the song with the title “Forget You.”

The President also busted out his car analogy again on the show.  “These Republicans, they’re like drunk drivers who totaled the car and now they want the car back so they can go get some booze and then drive onto a highway going the wrong way and cause all sorts of destruction.”

“Why would I give the car keys back to crazy people like that?  They’re the ones that drove the car off a bridge and let the trapped passengers drown.  What we need to do is ban them from driving forever and get them into rehab.  That’s what we oughta do!”

“The president isn’t shy about going to the places where people are getting their information and trying to make his case,” the White House press secretary, Robert Gibbs, told reporters Tuesday. “And he loves singing with choirs.  He sang in Reverend Wright’s choir for five years.”

The President is a baritone, though he can sing tenor or even in the alto range – it just depends on how much money he raises at a given function.

Make sure you watch the Daily Show tonight on Comedy Central… You do NOT want to miss this!!

WASHINGTON – Michaele and Tareq Salahi are at it again.  They snuck into the White House and slept in the Lincoln Bedroom!

World-famous party crashers, Michaele and Tareq Salahi, did it again.  On Sunday night they snuck into the White House, hide in an East Room closet, managed to get on elevator to the second floor and climbed into bed.

“It was easy, ” said Tareq who greeted a startled Michele Obama and her daughters at the breakfast table.  “Michaele and I really know the White House now and can pretty much get in whenever we want.”

Michaele, who also stars in the The Real Housewives of DC, said that she did it to “raise awareness for people with multiple sclerosis.”   If we can break into the White House, get into the Lincoln Bedroom, have sex all night and then eat muffins with the Obama girls in the morning and it helps people with multiple sclerosis, then I think we did something very good.”

The Secret Service has Salahi egg on its face once again.  “We have no idea how they got in.  They are on all the “do not admit” lists we have at every checkpoint,” said Secret Service Agent David Collins. “They must have someone working with them on the inside. There’s no way they can get in without help.”

Collins has his guess as to who the insider is that let them in.  “I’m not at liberty to divulge the names, but I can tell you that there is a person-of-interest and her name rhymes with Celery Hinton.”

Why would the Secretary of State let the Salahis into the White House?

Are the Salahis spies?

Why doesn’t anybody lock the doors in that place?

The Salahis Slept Here

“This is an outrage.  They could have harmed the President and First Lady!” said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs.  “The FBI picked them up for questioning and this time… they are going to do some hard time.  They didn’t even make the bed!”

Well, the FBI fares no better when it comes to the Salahis.  They were being held at FBI headquarters in DC on Monday, but by Monday Night they were found up at Camp David, sleeping in the President’s bed.

“Look, I don’t know if they are crazy or not and I don’t care at all about politics, but they are amazing.  Very talented,” said master illusionist Criss Angel.  “I wish I could hire them for my act.”

The Salahis were captured by the FBI again and have been sent to Guantanamo Bay in Cuba where authorities are sure they can do no harm.

But Fidel Castro better lock his door at night… or he may roll over and find a couple of Salahis in his bed.

WASHINGTON – President Obama will throw a fiesta on September 16th to celebrate Mexico’s bicentennial.

2010 is the year of the Bicentennial Celebrations in Mexico. Mexico is commemorating  200 years  of Independence  from Spanish rule and 100 years of  its Revolution that began in 1910 when they toppled dictator Porfirio Diaz.

President Obama feels that the United States should celebrate Mexico’s independence.  “We have many Mexican-Americans in our country.  We should all celebrate this special day with them,” the President told reporters today.

The president is throwing a big fiesta tomorrow in the East Room of the White House (Casa Blanca).  It will include pinantas, mariachi bands and gallons of low-calorie patron.  “The President will be operating the margarita machine himself,” said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs.    Eva Longoria and George Lopez will do the Mexican Hat Dance together.

Mexican Independence Day is called El Grito (The Cry) is celebrated every September 16th of September by Mexicans all around the world.  There will be a big celebration on the Arizona border tomorrow as well, when anestimated five thousand Mexicans plan to enter the U.S. for a big fiesta in Phoenix.

Influenced by the concepts of liberty, equality and democracy proposed by the French philosophers Rousseau, Montesquieu, Voltaire, and by the war of Independence of the United States, Mexicans decided to start a revolt.  It was 1810, and their plan was to start the war on the 2nd of October.  Unfortunately, their plans were discovered in early September. The movement was in trouble. They had two alternatives:  either abandon their plans, or move faster and start the revolt immediately.  They chose the second alternative.

In the early hours of September 16, 1810, father Hidalgo, accompanied by several conspirators –Iganacio Allende, Doña Josefa Ortiz de Domínguez – rang the bell of his little church, calling everyone to fight for liberty.  This was the beginning of the Independence War, which lasted 10 years.

President Obama plans to ring a bell to start another fight for liberty for the millions of undocumented workers that are living in the United States.  “The President will ring the bell at noon tomorrow, but he hopes it will take ten months, rather than ten years, for the Mexicans living in America to gain their freedom, and become United States citizens,” said Gibbs.

Coincidentally, when President Obama rings his bell, Governor Jan Brewer of Arizona will ring her, much bigger, bell tomorrow at noon.  “My bell will ring for those Americans who want to protect their homeland.  We will continue to protect the freedom and liberty of our citizens!”

Al Gore will be ringing a bell for climate change.

Michelle Obama will be ringing a bell for apples.

Joe Biden will be ringing a bell for tacos.  The Vice President told reporters, “Taco, taco!  I love my taco, taco!”

WASHINGTON -  On the first night of the White House Dance Series, the White House introduced its own dance troupe, Hip-Potus.

Last night was the inaugural performance of the new White House Dance Series.  The White House transformed the East Room into a stage for some of the world’s most talented dancers to strut their stuff.  White Staffers participated in the event. Some of the highlights of the night were the pirouettes done by Rahm Emanuel, the gravity-defying leaps by David Axelrod, and some crazy one-handed spinning handstands by Robert Gibbs.

Michelle Obama, who brought along daughters Sasha and Malia — just home from their first day of school — and mom Marian Robinson, did some serious bumping and grinding herself.  The first lady stole the show from Dayton Tavares, the star of Broadway’s high-flying Billy Elliot, when she did some head spins and leaps across the East Room.

Rahm Emanuel, a former ballerina,  forced his staff to get involved in the dance as well.  Here they are:

The emotional highlight of the evening, though, was the performance of “Revelations” by the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater.  Michell Obama called artistic director Judith Jamison, 67, “an amazing, phenomenal, ‘fly’ woman.”  Judith Jamison called Michelle “an amazing, phenomal, ‘superfly’ woman” and then both women danced in sports bras and shorts to “Brick House.”

President Obama introduced the White House Dance troupe – Hip-Potus -  made up of the assistants to his senior advisors.

The President wanted to be featured dancer in the troupe, but he pulled a groin muscle when he tried to do a harlem shake and a slide.

Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi were at the event, but when Reid stood up and yelled, “I’m gonna bust a move,”  the President asked him to leave.  Nancy Pelosi did some “footworkin’” but she left when her wig came off.

Hip-Potus will be touring the country in support of the upcoming midterm elections.  Don’t miss it!

BEVERLY HILLS – Plastic surgeons across the city have confirmed a serious Botox shortage. There’s fighting in the streets!

Women in Beverly Hills, and across Los Angeles, were in a panic over the weekend when it was announced that there was not enough Botox to last through this week. “We won’t be able to inject anyone with Botox for at least nine more months,” said acclaimed plastic surgeon Gregory Hayes.    Screams were heard as far away as Sydney.

Allergan Pharmaceuticals, the major supplier for the Botox in Los Angeles, had an explosion at their main factory in Westport, County Mayo in Ireland.   All Botox in the factory was destroyed.  It will take at least nine months to get the factory up-and-running again and it may be several more months before Allergan can once again meet demand.

“I get injections in my forehead ever four months, what am I going to do?,” said a concerned Anne Warbash, 39, who was being consoled by her husband.  “I won’t be able to go to work anymore.  Everybody thinks I’m 28.  I’ll be completely exposed!”  When WWN told Anne that we were going to publish her real age, she destroyed our cameras and punched Frank Lake in the face.  Luckily, there was a plastic surgeon nearby.

Several desperate Beverly Hills women have taken matters into their own hands.  Their have been a number of break-ins at plastic surgeon offices across the city.  “Women are stealing the remaining supply of Botox. We had seventeen break-ins just this past weekend,” said Officer Blanton of the Beverly Hills Police Department.  Some other women are just attacking doctors on the streets, demanding to be treated.  Like this woman attacking Dr. Ralph Carson of Wilshire Plastic Surgeons:

There are a number of men who are feeling anxious as well.  “I haven’t told a soul, not even my wife or mistress, that I get Botox injections.  Now what am I going to do?  I might have to go to Brazil or Colombia to get my injections. This is a real tragedy.”

A lot of big donors to President Obama’s election campaign are big Botox users. They have appealed to the President to see what he can do to get more Botox into L.A.  “We know there’s that oil spill in the gulf and a couple of wars going on, but… this is real life.  This is Hollywood.  We need our Botox!,” said an unnamed brunette actress who used to be on Friends but now stars in Cougartown.

Robert Gibbs announced that the President is returning from his weekend in the Gulf to handle the Botox Disaster.  “We hope to get enough Botox in L.A. by next week.”  Robert Gibbs later admitted that he, too, uses Botox.  “It gets rid of my worry lines.”

SAN ANTONIO, TX – A city panel cleared the way for construction of a Mexican cantina at The Alamo.

The San Antonio Landmarks Preservation Commission voted unanimously to deny landmark status to the land immediately adjacent to The Alamo. The panel said that the empty field isn’t distinctive enough to be considered a landmark. And even though it is technically on the property of The Alamo Memorial, the commission has granted Mexican restaurant owner, Felipe Gomez the right to build his Cantina Mexicana at the Alamo.

All but two Texans lost their lives at the hands of the Mexican Army after a 13-day siege ending on March 6, 1836.  But later, Texans got revenge in the Mexican-American War 1846-48.

The decision drew praise from the 36-year-old Mayor of San Antonio, Julian Castro, who called the cantina project a key test of Americans’ commitment to tolerance and a wonderful way to unite Americans and Mexicans.  The planning Commission held an opening board meeting last week, angry residents waved daguerreotypes and sang  “Remember the Alamo”  (in English and Spanish).

“This is hallowed ground,” said Rick Torres, a Texas resident whose great–great-great grandparents fought for The Mexican Army but whose great-great grandparents crossed the Rio Grande and opened a Taco Stand in Brownsville.  “We must honor those that gave their lives for the Texas Republic. There cannot be anything Mexican at The Alamo, even though it was originally a Mexican Mission San Antonio de Valero, the Alamo.”

Torres, though confused, was correct about the origin of The Alamo.  It original served as home to missionaries and their Indian converts for seventy years. Construction began on the present site in 1724. In 1793, Spanish officials secularized San Antonio’s five missions and distributed their lands to remaining Indian residents. These men and women continued to farm the fields, once the mission’s but now their own, and participated in the growing community of San Antonio.

Thirty-seven percent of Texans are of Hispanic origin. Mexican-Americans in Texas are divided about building The Cantina.  “I love taking my children there to see where the Big Battle where the Texans fought so bravely, but I also love a good chimichanga,” said Juanita Jones of Waco.

The Obama Administration has come out in favor of the Alamo cantina.  Robert Gibbs said, ” we want to promote tolerance everywhere, every day.   We love the idea of the cantina and have already approve d a Nobu restaurant at The Pearl Harbor memorial.  We are the world.”

Gomez, the owner of the Cantina Mexicana, said that they planned to honor the Texans that died at The Alamo.  “We have put a Davy Crockett burrito on the menu and we have created a special Alamo Nachos that will be served with some fine Texas chili.  Americans and Mexicans can come together and drink Margaritas at our “Mission Happy Hour” every Friday from 4 to 7.”