MY AMERICA – by Ed Anger

Until now, conservative icon Ed Anger has been silent after lapsing into a coma following the election of Barack Hussein Obama. Doctors tried numerous methods to awaken the columnist, including electroshock therapy, with no success.

With his hospital room TV tuned to FOX News 24/7, Anger was eventually roused by a commercial for the new Clint Eastwood movie “Gran Torino,” in which Eastwood plays a gun-toting auto industry and Korean War veteran now living in a tough, immigrant neighborhood in Detroit. A special screening of the film was arranged for Anger as he returned home to fully recover. Below is Ed Anger’s first writing since his awakening, a review of “Gran Torino.”

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My America, the America I know and love has been in a coma. For too long it has been asleep at the wheel… the wheel of a foreign-made car. It’s time to wake up and tell the rest of the world to GET OFF OUR LAWN!!!

Recently, a movie opened my eyes when I had the great honor to watch Clint Eastwood’s new film “Gran Torino.” From its title, I had hoped for an old West border-town shoot ‘em up, but was pleasantly surprised when it turned out to be about a REAL American man taking a stand against some no good punks… punks whose freedoms he helped secure!!!

Now, I’m not one to find much sense coming out of Hollywood, but for once, those latte loving liberal lulus have pointed a gun right at the nose of the problem here with “Gran Torino.” Like those fictional terrorist teens who taunt Eastwood’s heroic character, there are real-life outlaws out there who are taunting REAL American and threatening to destroy our way of life.

Immigrants? No, I’m talking about those three stooges Rick Wagoner of GM, Alan Mulally of Ford, and Robert Nardelli of Chrysler.  What was once the great symbol of American power and pride, the American automobile, has become just a tin can on the greed garbage pile. These business school Bozos have had their heads up their tailpipe for decades while foreign invaders from countries named Toyota, Honda and Hyundai have taken over OUR neighborhood and OUR America.

Clint Eastwood’s character Walk Kowalski would fill their fat hides with lead if he had the chance. He didn’t work the plant and fight in Korea to see Korean-made cars take over his Detroit streets. Now there’s a lot of touchy-feely political talk about closing down Guantanamo Bay to make the rest of the world love America more. I say, no thank you. Build the fence higher and throw Wagoner, Mulally and Nardelli in there with Osama’s Kids and appoint Eastwood the new head of Homeland Security. I give his movie 50 stars and 13 stripes!

DETROIT, MI – As the stock market continues to tumble and oil prices jumping nearly 20 dollars a barrel in the last week, GM announces plans for new hybrid to run on renewable resources of Fairy Dust and Unicorn Tears.

Expected in Q3 of 2009, GM says they have been developing the technology for the past 5 years, but have waited to announce the revolutionary automobile until it was closer to becoming a reality.   The yet to be named automobile is known internally as “Codename Twinkle.”

GM CEO Rick Wagoner told reporters at this morning’s press conference, “We’ve been working really closely with the Fairy and Unicorn community.  We’re confident this new automobile will be a relief to consumers being drained at the pump as well as bringing Fairies and Unicorns back into the mainstream automobile market.”

Consumers might remember the short-lived sedan PD-30, short for Pixie Dust, 30 Miles produced by Ford in the early ’90s.  The first Fairy Dust powered hybrid vehicle was a commercial success but quickly pulled from the market under pressure from Big Oil.

This is the first time Unicorn Tears will be utilized in a consumer automobile.  The Teamsters have long been rumored to use a mixture of diesel and Unicorn Tears to fuel their trucks.

Wagoner commented, “Based on mythology, you wouldn’t think that Unicorn’s cry as much as they do.  They have this reputation for prancing on rainbows all the time.  But they are really sensitive, introspective creatures.  They listen to a lot of The Cure and Bright Eyes.”

The timing of the announcement has been noted as extremely strategic, as GM sales were drastically declining in China.

“The Qilin, the Chinese equivalent of the Western unicorn, is revered as a sacred pet of the deities,” said an industry expert. “To drive a car associated with prosperity… Chinese consumers are going to buy them right up!”