DALLAS, TX – Governor Rick Perry dropped out of the Presidential race today and threw his support to Newt Gingrich and open marriage.

NEW HAMPSHIRE – Rick Perry continues his gafffetastic campaign. He told an audience last night: I hope the Easter Bunny is good to y’all.”

DALLAS – Sources close to Rick Perry say he regularly dances with Rabbis and hopes to become a Rabbi someday.

SIMI VALLEY, CA – Ron Paul defeated Rick Perry in the debate last night, then beat him up backstage.

DALLAS – According to sources close to the Texas governor – Rick Perry fakes his twang.

NEW HAMSPHIRE – A day after wishing Elvis Presley “Happy Birthday” on the anniverary of his death, Michelle Bachmann invited MJ to Washington.

LAREDO, TX – Texas lawmakers have confirmed that Terror Babies are crawling across the border and heading for… you!

BREAKING – The U.S. Department of Interior Obama released a second Chupacabra today, this time into Texas.

AUSTIN, TX – Texas has seceded from the union. Led by Governor Rick Perry, Texans and those frustrated with the Federal government are clamoring to Texas to start a new country.