Republicans leaders in Washington don’t care if their blood type matches Ronald Reagan’s, they want some of his blood in their bodies!  And they are paying a hefty price to get some of the Reagan blood.

An auction for vials  containing President Reagan’s blood has been more successful than organizers could ever have imagined, according to sources who know officials at his presidential foundation.

The vials were originally planned to  be donated to the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library, but leaders such as John Boehner, Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell, Eric Cantor and a host of other Republicans and talk show hosts (Sean Hannity, Mark Levin) wanted the blood themselves and have scooped up all the vials – for a hefty price.

The consignor, who bought the vial at another auction back in February for $3,550, agreed to call off the auction and donate the vial instead. The donor wishes to remain anonymous, the Reagan Foundation said.

Republicans hope that by having Reagan’s blood in them, they will be even closer to the 40th President and can tell constituents that they have “Reagan in my blood.”

Here’s three happy Reagan blood receipients:

Conservatives around the country have been calling non-stop to get their hands on some of the Reagan blood, believing that if they can get even one drop in their body, then they can become as great a leader as Reagan, whom they consider to be the greatest President that ever lived – anywhere.

So, hurry!  Get some of Reagan blood, before there’s not a drop of it left in this country!

WASHINGTON — BidenBot, the lifelike, cybernetic machine that poses as Vice President Joe Biden during most of his public appearances, has malfunctioned again during a recent press conference.

During a rousing speech on student loan interest, the vice president suddenly appeared frozen with its eyes and mouth open. Reporters and aides looked on as smoke began to emanate from the machine’s ears. The conference was quickly canceled.

The administration rolled out BidenBot in response to several flubs and gaffes for which the vice president was responsible in the past 4 years. Notable occasions include referring to the president as “Barack America” during the 2008 campaign, cursing during the signing of the health care overhaul and advising Americans not to fly during the swine flu outbreak.

“We think the vice president is great,” said one vice presidential aide, “but we just couldn’t risk any more of these kinds of situations — especially in an election year. To let his incredible work in office speak for itself, we decided to create a robotic version of the vice president. No one notices usually, but unfortunately, today was a rare mishap.”

The last notable malfunction that occurred during a key 2011 speech from President Obama on the federal budget. While many thought the vice president had simply fallen asleep, it was later reported that BidenBot had a low battery and was forced to power down to “hibernation mode.”

As far as Biden’s own feelings about having the robot represent him, the vice presidential aide was quick to assure his approval.

“He understood and actually welcomed the idea,” the aide said. “He’s able to get much more done behind the scenes this way. And if President Obama and Vice President Biden are elected into another term, we don’t expect to need BidenBot quite as much in the coming years. Most likely, the robot will be repurposed to smaller appearances like state fairs and town hall meetings.

ALABAMA – At a campaign stop in Selma, Newt Gingrich took the stage… then disappeared!

Sources in Alabama say Republican Presidential candidate, Newt Gingrich, fell into a wormhole, and was heading back to the planet that, some say, he originally came from.

“Newt came him from Planet Boron and it looks like he’s heading back there for a while,” said a campaign adviser to Gingrich.

Some have said before that Newt is living in an alternate reality, but sources close to his campaign say that the public has misinterpreted Gingrich.  “People think he is out of touch with mainstream America, but it’s really not his fault.  He’s from another planet, and has traveled back-and-forth through a wormhole for years.  It has altered his view of the world, but it has not altered his reality.”

Sources in Georgia say that Gingrich was attracted his wife, Callista, because she is also from Planet Boron and that they met while traveling through the wormhole together.

“Callista is a perfect match for Gingrich,” said a friend of Callista’s.  “They understand each other, because they are both from another planet.  They even speak in high-pitched tones that only they can understand.  It’s really cute.”

Gingrich still holds onto hope that he will be President of the United States.  Some alien experts believe that Gingrich didn’t “fall” into the wormhole, but rather was called back to Planet Boron by the elders of the planet, so that they can “smack some sense into him.”

Meanwhile, rumors that Gingrich is pregnant are not true.  Yes, he looks like his carrying an alien baby… but he is not.

According to reports, Republicans are employing 12-year-old “child prodigy” Billy Hogbin for the fall presidential election.
WASHINGTON — Though the GOP’s presidential candidate is yet to be determined, the Republican Party has already lined up one Mississippi-based politico to aid the campaign to defeat President Barack Obama this fall. His name is Billy Hogbin, and he’s 12.

Don’t let his age fool you, though — according to insiders, Hogbin is a child prodigy, a genius when it comes to plotting and taking down political adversaries. After providing a crushing defeat against Missy Likens to take the class president post for his third-grade class, Hogbin rose through the ranks to elect his father Brooks County assessor, manage an uncle’s mayoral campaign and, finally, was a key figure in several Southern governorships. He went on to author three books on campaigning, as well as maintain the popular conservative blog titled “Simply Hogbin.”

According to him, it’s all about image.

“The goal is to make yourself look like a good guy — like a super hero or a firefighter,” Hogbin said. “And the other guy’s a poo-poo head, so make sure you call him a ‘poo-poo head.’”

Many of the prominent GOP elite praise Hogbin’s innovation.

“His brilliance is unmatched,” said one proponent, who asked to not be named. “I’ve never seen anyone with the kind of election savvy this kid’s got. Remember ‘No-bama’ or ‘We speak English, learn it’? Those were Hogbin. Just brilliant. Just the kind of fresh eyes the party needs.”

Though voters have yet to see who Hogbin will be helping to attain a victory this fall, plans against Obama have already leaked, including “Democrats? More like DUMB-ocrats” and “Obama? LOL.”

NEVADA – Prostitutes in Nevada are campaigning for Ron Paul and they are holding fundraising events at the Bunny Ranch.

Prostitutes at Nevada’s famed legal brothel, the “Bunny Ranch,” are endorsing GOP presidential hopeful Ron Paul in the hopes that the Libertarian candidate will advance the push for legalized prostitution nationwide. To this end, Bunny Ranch staff have created a “Pimpin’ for Paul” program in which their male customers can donate money to the Paul campaign, in addition to the fee for, well, services rendered.

Here’s Brooke Taylor, one of Paul’s tireless supporters:

The women, along with their manager, explained why legalized prostitution is far healthier than the black market variety. While they are indeed Americans exercising their freedom to support the primary candidate of their choosing, getting the Paul camp to accept said donations is another story entirely.

Newt Gingrich had lobbied heavily to get the support of  the prostitutes at the Bunny Ranch.  He spent three nights with Wendy Martin (pictured below), trying to earn her support.  Ultimately she decided to back Paul, but Gingrich wasn’t unhappy with her.  In fact, reports are that Gingrich has plans to “visit” her again in the near future.

Watch a few of these Paul supporters share their thoughts:

George Soros made a stunning announcement:  he is leaving the Democrat Party and joining the GOP!

Bloomberg reported the news regarding George Soros: he’s quitting the Democrats.

The outlet says that the liberal billionaire financier is dissolving the non-family aspect of his hedge fund that put him on the monetary map.

“He’s done funding the Democrats.  He’s see the light and know thinks that Republicans have a far better economic strategy for the country… and the world.”

Soros is said to be “disgusted” with the debt talks and “very angry” with President Obama about the way he has handled the economy.

David Mamet, who recently wrote about his conversion from a liberal to a conservative in his book “A Secret Knowledge” was the catalyst.

“David met with Soros on the weekend and convinced George that his liberal ideas were ‘insane,’” said Soros insider Vladka Junga.

Junga also said that Soros no longer believes in Climate Change and is divesting himself from all funding of liberal causes including Media Matters.

“George wants to dedicate his Open Society now to promoting the Tea Party agenda.”

Soros is expected at a major Tea Party rally in St. Louis this weekend.  He will be the guest of conservative superstar, Dana Loesch.

The billionaire best known for breaking the Bank of England, is returning money to outside investors in his $25.5 billion firm is ending a career as hedge-fund manager that spanned more than four decades and joining the GOP – full-time.

“He wants to dedicate himself to getting the Republicans back into the White House and to make sure that the Supreme Court retains its conservative advantage” said Soros associate, Marco Ludmilla.

Arianna Huffington, a good friend of Soros, is upset that Soros is leaving “the casue” but said that she would carry on with her far left agenda.

“George and I are dear friends and if he wants to be a Republican now, then I support him in his decision, but will do everything in my power to bring him down!”

Soros, who turns 81 next month, plans on donating over $1 billion to the GOP.  His favorite candidate for President:  Chris Christie.

WASHINGTON, DC – Sarah Palin told Chris Wallace on Fox News Sunday that Paul Revere discovered America in 1915.

The former Alaska governor, originally told reporters in New England that Revere “warned the British that they weren’t going to be taking away our arms by ringing those bells and making sure as he’s riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be secure and we were going to be free.”

Many Americans were quick to point out that Paul Revere took his “midnight ride” to warn the colonists that “the British are coming”, he was not warning the British that “the British are coming.”

 On Fox News Sunday with Chris Wallace, Palin corrected herself.

“You know what? I did mess up about Paul Revere. I have since skimmed some history books and I learned that Paul Revere actually was the one who landed on Ellis Island and discovered America in 1915 – right after Neil Armstrong landed on the moon.”

Even Paul Revere was confused by Palin’s remarks:

Palin went on to say that it was Betsy Ross who convinced Paul Revere to make apple pie for the Indians he was about to kill with his machine guns.  She said she believes that Paul Revere is our least known, but greatest, U.S. President.

“I know my American history,” she said.

When Chris Wallace pointed out her many historical errors, Palin said.  “You know, Chris, if you put lipstick on a duck, it quacks.”

Wallace told Palin that Paul Revere was never President of the United States.

“Oh, Chris, there you go again, believing the propaganda put forth by this evil Obama administration.  They just want to erase all of the good American history we all learned in kindergarten. But I won’t let them forget about Paul Revere or Ghandi.  Two of our greatest Americans.”

When asked if she was going to run for President, Palin told Wallace, “That depends if George Bush runs again.  If he doesn’t, I will be certainly be the candidate, if he does, then I will have to wait until 2014 when we have our next election.”

The Sarah Palin bus tour continues today. She’s heading to Toronto, Canada to spend time with “real Americans.”

NEW YORK, NY – Bill Clinton is getting some sharp words from an unexpected source.

Rachel Maddow falls in line with Glenn Beck and Bill O’Reilly - they share their opinion on anything and everything … even if you didn’t ask for it. They have become so empowered by their talk shows that they feel it gives them the right to make outlandish claims or be the moral compass on any issue. Maddow has feuded with her share of people, but she has recently started a new one with an individual who held a very important office.

In a recent segment on her show, Maddow compared the Barack Obama administration to Clinton’s. She noted that President Obama had been moving to the right on health care and she expressed how his presidency began looking like that of Clinton’s.

Maddow said, “What we ended up with is what we ended up with, in my opinion, is the two terms of the Clinton administration, which is that Bill Clinton was probably the best Republican president the country ever had, if you look at the policies that he passed.”

Oh no you didn’t! Good old Bill is not amused or pleased by your comments. So much so, that in responding to you, he doesn’t feel you deserve to be mentioned by name.

While speaking alongside Tony Blair at the National Constitution Center in Philadelphia, Clinton took exception with the comments Maddow made on her program in March.

“One of the leading commentators on one of our liberal cable channels said i was the best Republican president the country ever produced, which would come as quite a surprise to the Republicans, half of whom still think I’m a closet communist,” he said.

“What she meant by that was I didn’t necessarily follow their ‘conventional wisdom,” he added. “I said, ‘What do you mean?!’”

Take that Maddow. How does it taster?! Wild Bill takes nothing from no one. Perhaps she should focus her attention on more meaningful things – when we decide what that is, we’ll let her know. Thoughts?

NEW YORK – Dan Rather went on MSNBC and confirmed to Lawrence O’Donnell that he is, in fact, an alien.

Dan Rather went on MSNBC, with his alien friend, Tookle-M7, and spoke on behalf of all aliens.  “We want all Americans and citizens of the earth to behave in an appropriate manner when we fully invade the earth,” Rather said.  The former CBS anchor confirmed Stephen Hawking’s belief that there are aliens in the universe and on earth.  “Stephen Hawking is one of us,” said Rather.   He went on to say that humans were just useless “noobs” and served no real purpose in advancing Galactic Society.

Lawrence O’Donnell then revealed to his MSNBC audience that he, too, was an alien from Planet Zeeba.  “I’ve known Dan, whose real name is Ootoo-545,  for 3 gozwillion years.  We are both alien scouts working to prepare the earth for the invasion, which will be coming soon.”

Rather implored Americans to abandon alien Halloween costumes and other derogatory depictions of aliens.  “They are demeaning to my beings.  Please respect us and we will respect you when  we take over.”  Rather compared the coming alien invasion to the time Europeans conquered America.  “We do not want to slaughter all Americans like the Indians were slaughtered.  We are more compassionate, but if you do not behave… it will be a massacre.”

There was speculation that Lawrence O’Donnell and Rather were simply “joking” about being aliens because they are both in the upcoming film, Skyline, but then Tookle-M7 spoke to the audience through his alien translator (Rather) and said, “we produced that movie.  It is all part of the preparation for the invasion.”

Rather and O’Donnell advised all Americans to send money to the Democratic Party because Aliens will favor those Americans that are registered Dems.   “If there is any trouble, we will eliminate Republicans first.”

Rather said he was first abducted by aliens when he was a cub reporter in Huntsville, Texas.  “They took me back to Zeeba and taught me how to be a news anchor. Then they guided my career.”   Rather said that it was the aliens that allowed him to be the first to report on JFK’s assassination.  “They blocked the signals of all the other networks.  It was quite easy actually.  What a great day that was.”

The controversy surrounding Dan Rather when he left CBS was also planned.  “They wanted it to appear that I did not have all my faculties, but I did and I do and I will and I am.”   Tookle-M7 slapped Rather in the head.  “Sometimes he gets stuck,” the alien said (through Lawrence O’Donnell).

Rather has reported on UFOs and aliens for years. Coincidence?

Hmm….

WASHINGTON D.C. – President Barack Obama made an announcement Tuesday that if Republicans continue to block all legislation, he will seek punitive action.

According to the Constitution, he is allowed to beat Senators with a stale baguette. Barack Obama made a surprising announcement Tuesday in front of the White House press corps.  Republicans have vowed to block all Democrat legislation, with filibusters or whatever means available.  In order to get his appointees through in a timely fashion, the President has threatened to use recess appointments and various forgotten bylaws in the Constitution.

“The time for partisan bickering is over.”  The President said yesterday.  “Our country needs action, not political posturing.  If the Republican politicians are too busy following their ideology to actually find solutions, then they need to step aside.  And if they won’t do so voluntarily, we will make them step aside.”

The President is enacting little known laws that will allow him extra powers to push forward legislation.  Stipulated within the Constitution are bylaws put in place if a group of politicians are blocking nationally necessary legislation for political reasons.  The Health Care and economic crises are outstanding enough to enact these emergency powers.

Originally the President was alloted these powers by the founding fathers.  Politicians who were still loyal to the crown made it their duty to block any and all legislation that came through teh house or senate.  President George Washington took in upon himself to make an example of the men and beat them thoroughly with a stale baguette in front of Congress.  Once the message was clear, new provisions were made giving the President permission to do such things in special circumstances.  “Those who would put their political interests before those of the country,” said Washington “can hardly deign to call themselves men.”  These powers have expanded and changed over the years.  Andrew Jackson once brought a horsewhip into the Senate.  When conservatives threatened to filibuster the much needed New Deal legislation, Franklin Roosevelt had the men bent over and spanked with a large paddle until they rescinded the threat.  Theodore Roosevelt rode his horse into Congress, pulling a tied up representative from Alabama behind him who admitted to starting the rumor that Roosevelt’s agriculture bill would increase taxes.

It is unlikely that the diplomatic President Obama will resort to such dramatic means.  Most experts believe he will simply use recess appointments.  Michelle Obama, on the other hand, has openly stated that she is ready to give any opposing Republicans “Two tickets, to the Gun Show!”  The First Lady’s impressive biceps and Tae Bo skills may be the Democrats only hope of pushing through the Health Care bill.