NEVADA – Prostitutes in Nevada are campaigning for Ron Paul and they are holding fundraising events at the Bunny Ranch.

Prostitutes at Nevada’s famed legal brothel, the “Bunny Ranch,” are endorsing GOP presidential hopeful Ron Paul in the hopes that the Libertarian candidate will advance the push for legalized prostitution nationwide. To this end, Bunny Ranch staff have created a “Pimpin’ for Paul” program in which their male customers can donate money to the Paul campaign, in addition to the fee for, well, services rendered.

Here’s Brooke Taylor, one of Paul’s tireless supporters:

The women, along with their manager, explained why legalized prostitution is far healthier than the black market variety. While they are indeed Americans exercising their freedom to support the primary candidate of their choosing, getting the Paul camp to accept said donations is another story entirely.

Newt Gingrich had lobbied heavily to get the support of  the prostitutes at the Bunny Ranch.  He spent three nights with Wendy Martin (pictured below), trying to earn her support.  Ultimately she decided to back Paul, but Gingrich wasn’t unhappy with her.  In fact, reports are that Gingrich has plans to “visit” her again in the near future.

Watch a few of these Paul supporters share their thoughts:

George Soros made a stunning announcement:  he is leaving the Democrat Party and joining the GOP!

Bloomberg reported the news regarding George Soros: he’s quitting the Democrats.

The outlet says that the liberal billionaire financier is dissolving the non-family aspect of his hedge fund that put him on the monetary map.

“He’s done funding the Democrats.  He’s see the light and know thinks that Republicans have a far better economic strategy for the country… and the world.”

Soros is said to be “disgusted” with the debt talks and “very angry” with President Obama about the way he has handled the economy.

David Mamet, who recently wrote about his conversion from a liberal to a conservative in his book “A Secret Knowledge” was the catalyst.

“David met with Soros on the weekend and convinced George that his liberal ideas were ‘insane,’” said Soros insider Vladka Junga.

Junga also said that Soros no longer believes in Climate Change and is divesting himself from all funding of liberal causes including Media Matters.

“George wants to dedicate his Open Society now to promoting the Tea Party agenda.”

Soros is expected at a major Tea Party rally in St. Louis this weekend.  He will be the guest of conservative superstar, Dana Loesch.

The billionaire best known for breaking the Bank of England, is returning money to outside investors in his $25.5 billion firm is ending a career as hedge-fund manager that spanned more than four decades and joining the GOP – full-time.

“He wants to dedicate himself to getting the Republicans back into the White House and to make sure that the Supreme Court retains its conservative advantage” said Soros associate, Marco Ludmilla.

Arianna Huffington, a good friend of Soros, is upset that Soros is leaving “the casue” but said that she would carry on with her far left agenda.

“George and I are dear friends and if he wants to be a Republican now, then I support him in his decision, but will do everything in my power to bring him down!”

Soros, who turns 81 next month, plans on donating over $1 billion to the GOP.  His favorite candidate for President:  Chris Christie.

WASHINGTON, DC – Sarah Palin told Chris Wallace on Fox News Sunday that Paul Revere discovered America in 1915.

The former Alaska governor, originally told reporters in New England that Revere “warned the British that they weren’t going to be taking away our arms by ringing those bells and making sure as he’s riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be secure and we were going to be free.”

Many Americans were quick to point out that Paul Revere took his “midnight ride” to warn the colonists that “the British are coming”, he was not warning the British that “the British are coming.”

 On Fox News Sunday with Chris Wallace, Palin corrected herself.

“You know what? I did mess up about Paul Revere. I have since skimmed some history books and I learned that Paul Revere actually was the one who landed on Ellis Island and discovered America in 1915 – right after Neil Armstrong landed on the moon.”

Even Paul Revere was confused by Palin’s remarks:

Palin went on to say that it was Betsy Ross who convinced Paul Revere to make apple pie for the Indians he was about to kill with his machine guns.  She said she believes that Paul Revere is our least known, but greatest, U.S. President.

“I know my American history,” she said.

When Chris Wallace pointed out her many historical errors, Palin said.  “You know, Chris, if you put lipstick on a duck, it quacks.”

Wallace told Palin that Paul Revere was never President of the United States.

“Oh, Chris, there you go again, believing the propaganda put forth by this evil Obama administration.  They just want to erase all of the good American history we all learned in kindergarten. But I won’t let them forget about Paul Revere or Ghandi.  Two of our greatest Americans.”

When asked if she was going to run for President, Palin told Wallace, “That depends if George Bush runs again.  If he doesn’t, I will be certainly be the candidate, if he does, then I will have to wait until 2014 when we have our next election.”

The Sarah Palin bus tour continues today. She’s heading to Toronto, Canada to spend time with “real Americans.”

NEW YORK, NY – Bill Clinton is getting some sharp words from an unexpected source.

Rachel Maddow falls in line with Glenn Beck and Bill O’Reilly - they share their opinion on anything and everything … even if you didn’t ask for it. They have become so empowered by their talk shows that they feel it gives them the right to make outlandish claims or be the moral compass on any issue. Maddow has feuded with her share of people, but she has recently started a new one with an individual who held a very important office.

In a recent segment on her show, Maddow compared the Barack Obama administration to Clinton’s. She noted that President Obama had been moving to the right on health care and she expressed how his presidency began looking like that of Clinton’s.

Maddow said, “What we ended up with is what we ended up with, in my opinion, is the two terms of the Clinton administration, which is that Bill Clinton was probably the best Republican president the country ever had, if you look at the policies that he passed.”

Oh no you didn’t! Good old Bill is not amused or pleased by your comments. So much so, that in responding to you, he doesn’t feel you deserve to be mentioned by name.

While speaking alongside Tony Blair at the National Constitution Center in Philadelphia, Clinton took exception with the comments Maddow made on her program in March.

“One of the leading commentators on one of our liberal cable channels said i was the best Republican president the country ever produced, which would come as quite a surprise to the Republicans, half of whom still think I’m a closet communist,” he said.

“What she meant by that was I didn’t necessarily follow their ‘conventional wisdom,” he added. “I said, ‘What do you mean?!’”

Take that Maddow. How does it taster?! Wild Bill takes nothing from no one. Perhaps she should focus her attention on more meaningful things – when we decide what that is, we’ll let her know. Thoughts?

NEW YORK – Dan Rather went on MSNBC and confirmed to Lawrence O’Donnell that he is, in fact, an alien.

Dan Rather went on MSNBC, with his alien friend, Tookle-M7, and spoke on behalf of all aliens.  “We want all Americans and citizens of the earth to behave in an appropriate manner when we fully invade the earth,” Rather said.  The former CBS anchor confirmed Stephen Hawking’s belief that there are aliens in the universe and on earth.  “Stephen Hawking is one of us,” said Rather.   He went on to say that humans were just useless “noobs” and served no real purpose in advancing Galactic Society.

Lawrence O’Donnell then revealed to his MSNBC audience that he, too, was an alien from Planet Zeeba.  “I’ve known Dan, whose real name is Ootoo-545,  for 3 gozwillion years.  We are both alien scouts working to prepare the earth for the invasion, which will be coming soon.”

Rather implored Americans to abandon alien Halloween costumes and other derogatory depictions of aliens.  “They are demeaning to my beings.  Please respect us and we will respect you when  we take over.”  Rather compared the coming alien invasion to the time Europeans conquered America.  “We do not want to slaughter all Americans like the Indians were slaughtered.  We are more compassionate, but if you do not behave… it will be a massacre.”

There was speculation that Lawrence O’Donnell and Rather were simply “joking” about being aliens because they are both in the upcoming film, Skyline, but then Tookle-M7 spoke to the audience through his alien translator (Rather) and said, “we produced that movie.  It is all part of the preparation for the invasion.”

Rather and O’Donnell advised all Americans to send money to the Democratic Party because Aliens will favor those Americans that are registered Dems.   “If there is any trouble, we will eliminate Republicans first.”

Rather said he was first abducted by aliens when he was a cub reporter in Huntsville, Texas.  “They took me back to Zeeba and taught me how to be a news anchor. Then they guided my career.”   Rather said that it was the aliens that allowed him to be the first to report on JFK’s assassination.  “They blocked the signals of all the other networks.  It was quite easy actually.  What a great day that was.”

The controversy surrounding Dan Rather when he left CBS was also planned.  “They wanted it to appear that I did not have all my faculties, but I did and I do and I will and I am.”   Tookle-M7 slapped Rather in the head.  “Sometimes he gets stuck,” the alien said (through Lawrence O’Donnell).

Rather has reported on UFOs and aliens for years. Coincidence?

Hmm….

WASHINGTON D.C. – President Barack Obama made an announcement Tuesday that if Republicans continue to block all legislation, he will seek punitive action.

According to the Constitution, he is allowed to beat Senators with a stale baguette. Barack Obama made a surprising announcement Tuesday in front of the White House press corps.  Republicans have vowed to block all Democrat legislation, with filibusters or whatever means available.  In order to get his appointees through in a timely fashion, the President has threatened to use recess appointments and various forgotten bylaws in the Constitution.

“The time for partisan bickering is over.”  The President said yesterday.  “Our country needs action, not political posturing.  If the Republican politicians are too busy following their ideology to actually find solutions, then they need to step aside.  And if they won’t do so voluntarily, we will make them step aside.”

The President is enacting little known laws that will allow him extra powers to push forward legislation.  Stipulated within the Constitution are bylaws put in place if a group of politicians are blocking nationally necessary legislation for political reasons.  The Health Care and economic crises are outstanding enough to enact these emergency powers.

Originally the President was alloted these powers by the founding fathers.  Politicians who were still loyal to the crown made it their duty to block any and all legislation that came through teh house or senate.  President George Washington took in upon himself to make an example of the men and beat them thoroughly with a stale baguette in front of Congress.  Once the message was clear, new provisions were made giving the President permission to do such things in special circumstances.  “Those who would put their political interests before those of the country,” said Washington “can hardly deign to call themselves men.”  These powers have expanded and changed over the years.  Andrew Jackson once brought a horsewhip into the Senate.  When conservatives threatened to filibuster the much needed New Deal legislation, Franklin Roosevelt had the men bent over and spanked with a large paddle until they rescinded the threat.  Theodore Roosevelt rode his horse into Congress, pulling a tied up representative from Alabama behind him who admitted to starting the rumor that Roosevelt’s agriculture bill would increase taxes.

It is unlikely that the diplomatic President Obama will resort to such dramatic means.  Most experts believe he will simply use recess appointments.  Michelle Obama, on the other hand, has openly stated that she is ready to give any opposing Republicans “Two tickets, to the Gun Show!”  The First Lady’s impressive biceps and Tae Bo skills may be the Democrats only hope of pushing through the Health Care bill.

WASHINGTON, DC – Scott Brown will be sworn in today, ahead of schedule.  CSPAN is expecting the sexiest Senate inauguration ever!

Massachusetts Republican Scott Brown will be sworn into the Senate later today, a week ahead of schedule.  Brown insisted on moving the timetable up, saying “There’s so much that needs to be done for our country.  I can’t wait anymore!  This country has problems, I want to sink my teeth in and get to work.”

Brown won an upset victory to fill the Senate seat left by the late Ted Kennedy.  Since then Republicans have been enamored with their new shining star.   “He’s like a white night,” said one anonymous female Republican, “riding in on his massive stead to save us.  Please, please save us Mr. Brown… Mmm…  Oh!  I’m sorry, what were we saying?”  Planners attempted to have Scott Brown ride in for his inauguration on a white horse, but that would violate zoning ordinances.  Brown may, however, still wear an open poets shirt and leather pants.

“There are problems in the country,” Brown said in a statement.  “These problems are deeply rooted in our system.  As your representative I’m going to do whatever it takes to meet your needs.  The issues are there, buried under mountains of red tape.  But I’m going to get in there, deep inside, and hammer away at these problems until our government makes sense again!”

The Brown Senatorial office is setting records with the number of interns who have applied to work there, and housewives asking if they can volunteer.  Brown has said he will thank everyone that works for his office personally, with chocolates and a signed photo if he can’t be there in person.

Scott Brown’s inauguration will be the most highly attended in recent history.  It will also be the first time in decades a Senator has been sworn in bare chested.  CSPAN has confirmed they will be using a soft focus on all their cameras for the event.

HONOLULU, HI – Hawaii is in a panic as the state prepares for hundreds of Republicans to descend upon the state this Wednesday.

The GOP is holding their annual winter strategy session on the tropical island usually known to be highly Democratic.  Local government can barely keep the peace as the residents frantically prepare.

Residents are terrified of the impending invasion by over a hundred Republicans, Conservatives, and Tea Baggers.  Dry goods and bottled water are sold out across all the Hawaiian islands.  Storefronts are boarding up their windows and parents are teaching their children how to accept death gracefully.  Riots are breaking out at hardware stores as supplies become scarce.  Some elderly people remember the last time Republicans came to Hawaii, and since then the legend has grown.

In 1959, shortly after receiving official statehood, Hawaii elected its first governor, a Republican named William Quinn.  The celebration has since become legend, told in hushed tones by the few surviving elders who witnessed it.  Republican men and women descended on the tropical paradise in numbers the island had never seen before.  Every random stranger was asked to have their picture taken then to “Do something Hawaiian!”

Republican party goers drank every drop of beer, wine, and scotch on the island.  Drunken white men leveled villages with their partying, endless golfing and racist undertones.  Parents fled to the mountains with children before tourists could point and call them “exotic!”  Kah’lameia Beach, epicenter of the festivities, was ecologically destroyed by litter, spilled Mai Tai’s, and burned polyester.  Since then the beach has appeared on no maps and is considered “off limits” to everyone.  Hawaii’s officials hope to avoid a similar disaster.

State officials are taking drastic measures to protect their home by attempting to move the island.  Motions are being put through the State Supreme Court to enact a mystic ritual which could move the Hawaiian islands to another location.  The ritual is extremely dangerous, and has only been performed twice before in recorded history.  Eventually due to GPS and satellite tracking the state would be found again in its new location, but it would be enough to deter the influx of Republicans later this week.

“This would be drastic measure” said Lieutenant Governor John Kai’alooah, “that could have international repercussions.  But if it would protect our people from an invasion of old white men, that’s a risk we’re willing to take.”

I’m as fed up as Rosie O’Donnell at an all-you-can-eat buffet about what’s happening to the Republicans!

Every since their big get-together last week, everybody’s fighting about “the future of conservatives.” Namby pamby Beltway big shots tell us to dump Sarah Palin and Joe the Plumber, and get more classy and “intellectual” like them!

Heck, some of these “conservatives” even voted for Teleprompter Jesus himself!

Don’t listen to these stuck up sons of Benedict Arnold. Has Ross Douthat or David Brooks ever won a chili cook-off or fired a few rounds off a .45? David Frum probably can’t even change a tire without his Filipino nanny helping out.

They’re not like right wing leaders of the past. Remember the late, great Esther Schenectady, who started the American Institution Institute and led the fight against putting fluoride in our water. (“Today your teeth. Tomorrow your mind!”)

What about ex-commie spy Osprey Whitsunson (author of “From Comrade to
Christ”) or Julius Katzenjammer, who wrote my favorite economical book, “The State is Your Slavemaster” (1972)?

Dagnabbit, those wise old leaders are gone. I’m the last one of the era.
But those Seepack guys won’t let me come to their big get-together since back in ’64, when I beaned Happy Rockefeller with a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon. (That slut!)

But we have new ones leaders – and they’re the people the snooty boys hate. Heck, Rush Limbaugh isn’t Hitler –  he’s Winston Churchill! My fellow red, white and blue blooded Americans, ignore the Gang of Pansies! Keep cheering the real conservatives who appreciate and understand us normal folks in Flyswatter Country.

(Except for that Mormon who cries all the time. Boy needs to start drinking again…)

ATLANTA, GA – Following four extra weeks of campaigning, Democratic challenger, Jim Martin lost by an impressive 15 percent.

On Election Day, no single candidate received 50 percent of the votes plus one, so under Georgia election law, the race would bpe decided by a run-off election of the top two candidates, Martin and incumbent Republican Saxby Chambliss.

“This was an important race for the Democrats,” PhD Ape said in a statement early this morning, “with two races lingering and two seats away from a filibuster proof super-majority in the Senate, Democrats were fighting hard for Georgia.  Not only were their hopes of that majority dashed last night, so too were their hopes of Georgia turning blue.”

“Jim Martin is a good man and dedicated public servant.  He looks forward to continuing to serve the people of Georgia by doing… whatever it is he did before running for Senate.”

The run-off election brought out some of the brightest stars on both sides of the aisle.  Chambliss rolled out former Massachusetts’ Governor Mitt Romney as well as failed VP-candidate Sarah Palin.  Martin had the support of Vice President Al Gore in addition to political consultants Ludacris and TI.

Despite Ludacris’ confusing performance of his hit single ‘Politics’ in which he criticizes not only President Bush but also Hillary Clinton and John McCain, it was not enough to save Martin from an embarrassing loss.