WASHINGTON, DC – Last night, Congress passed a proposed $819 billion stimulus package.  At a vote of 244 to 188, the bill passed despite no Republican support.

Republicans in the House and Senate remain uniformly opposed to the bailout, and they are making their disappointment heard.

Immediately after the votes were tallied, several congressmen locked themselves in legal chambers and refused to come out.  Promises of additional tax cuts or wine-spritzers could not move the determined statesmen, and a janitor had to be called to unlock the door.

John Boehner took the floor in retaliation to the measure; first threatening to filibuster, then vowing to hold his breath until the house changed their minds.  Emergency medical teams were called when he passed out and hit his head on the podium.

Despite the urgent need for any federal action on the economy, Republican officials remain determined to stop the stimulus bill before it reaches the Senate.

Rush Limbaugh has threatened to secede from the Union, turning his West Palm Beach home into its own autonomous state.  Republican Governor of Florida Charlie Crist has offered to turn a blind eye to such an action, but an eventual showdown with federal forces is expected.

WASHINGTON, DC – After criticizing the economic stimulus plan, Republicans have chained themselves to doors of the Capitol Building to block its passing.

Currently no one can enter or exit the Capitol as Republican leaders have chained themselves to every major entryway.

The audacious demonstration was led by John McCain who shouted to reporters, “I’m still relevant!  See!?  I’m still relevant!!!”

Republicans say that the stimulus package as it stands is too focused on supporting the middle class, without enough tax cuts to the already wealthy.  “That’s no way to run a business” said John Boehner of Ohio.  “You can’t help a country by strengthening the middle class, did Reaganomics teach us nothing?”  He stated that GOP members will continue to forcibly block entry to Capital Hill until their demands are met.

Democrats in the Senate and Congress, despite having a clear majority in both houses and several pairs of bolt cutters laying around, are already working on ways to appease the minority Republican voice.