According to reports, Republicans are employing 12-year-old “child prodigy” Billy Hogbin for the fall presidential election.
WASHINGTON — Though the GOP’s presidential candidate is yet to be determined, the Republican Party has already lined up one Mississippi-based politico to aid the campaign to defeat President Barack Obama this fall. His name is Billy Hogbin, and he’s 12.

Don’t let his age fool you, though — according to insiders, Hogbin is a child prodigy, a genius when it comes to plotting and taking down political adversaries. After providing a crushing defeat against Missy Likens to take the class president post for his third-grade class, Hogbin rose through the ranks to elect his father Brooks County assessor, manage an uncle’s mayoral campaign and, finally, was a key figure in several Southern governorships. He went on to author three books on campaigning, as well as maintain the popular conservative blog titled “Simply Hogbin.”

According to him, it’s all about image.

“The goal is to make yourself look like a good guy — like a super hero or a firefighter,” Hogbin said. “And the other guy’s a poo-poo head, so make sure you call him a ‘poo-poo head.’”

Many of the prominent GOP elite praise Hogbin’s innovation.

“His brilliance is unmatched,” said one proponent, who asked to not be named. “I’ve never seen anyone with the kind of election savvy this kid’s got. Remember ‘No-bama’ or ‘We speak English, learn it’? Those were Hogbin. Just brilliant. Just the kind of fresh eyes the party needs.”

Though voters have yet to see who Hogbin will be helping to attain a victory this fall, plans against Obama have already leaked, including “Democrats? More like DUMB-ocrats” and “Obama? LOL.”

PORTSMOUTH, NH – Newt Gingrich, Republican candidate for President, told a town hall audience that his wife is a robot.

Callista Gingrich, goes everywhere with her husband.  She is in the foreground of his Presidential campaign, and her beaming blonde visage looms as large as his.

The former speaker’s wife co-signs his campaign organization’s e-mails, produces his movies, appears beside him on Fox News, and even reads his work for audio-book adaptations – but she has maintained such a low profile over a decade in their marriage that she was an enigma even to some of his closest supporters.

Not anymore.  Today Newt Gingrich announced that his wife, Callista, is in his words a “Stepford Wife.”   Newt told reporters in New Hampshire today.  “Soon after I married Callista, I had her brain replaced with a robotic brain.  She does anything I tell her to, which frankly, the way all wives should behave to their husbands.”

Callista has been the most public and the least known of the political partners bracing for the scrutiny of a presidential campaign. In eleven years of marriage, Callista Gingrich has never been the subject of a profile. Gingrich’s aides declined to make her available to any newspapers for an interview, to talk about her or the marriage on the record or on background, or even to suggest friends who might offer a glimpse of the would-be First Lady.

The reason:  Callista is a robot.

Friends say she’s ready for the rigors of Iowa, where she went to college, and a comfortable public performer, if one who has spent much of her time on stage behind a gleaming french horn in the Fairfax City Band.

“The robotic brain I had put in her head, can handle any situation,” said Newt.

“She is much more in the model of a Laura Bush than a Hillary Clinton,” said David Bossie, the president of the conservative group Citizens United and a longtime Gingrich ally. “She just is a strong partner like Laura Bush, was but not out in front like Hillary Clinton was.”

Callista Gingrich is Newt’s third wife.  He was tired of having his wives “talk back” to him and deny him sex.  “Callista will have sex with me whenever I ask her too and she never talks back.  If she starts to talk back, I just say the word “Speaker” and she shuts up. I love her so much.”

Here’s Callista obeying her husband:

When asked where Newt had his wife’s brain replaced with a robotic brain, he said – “That’s something that will come out in when she becomes First Lady.  I will reveal that on every campaign stop ONLY to the men who promise to vote for me in 2012.”

Newt hopes to win in a landslide in November.

Here’s the  “Stepford Wives” trailer from the 1970s.

WASHINGTON – There are Beltway rumors that President Obama is losing his hearing from a rare auditory disease.

Sources close to interns at the White House say that President Obama is virtually deaf but is taking action to correct his hearing loss.  It was evident in Obama’s address last night to Iowa caucuses, as the President kept apparently had trouble hearing Iowa citizens, but he blamed it on “technical” problems.

The President said he noticed the hearing problem last year during the debt ceiling debate.  “People were talking to the President, but he couldn’t understand a word they were saying,” said a source close to the White House.

It is President Obama’s right ear that is the problem, though the higher frequencies in his left ear are not as clear either.   There are some reports that say he may go totally deaf in his right ear, and may have only partial hearing in his left ear.

While the President was in Hawaii on his vacation, a top otolaryngologist from Los Angeles flew to Oahu to examine the President.

“I can occasionally talk to people in person one on one if their voice frequency happens to fit the range that I can still hear, but I cannot hear exactly what they are saying, especially if they are Republicans, who rarely make sense anyway,” Obama reportedly told his old high school basketball coach. “I cannot hear cable television. I cannot hear protests.  I am, for all practical purposes, deaf – and it’s happened in six months.”

WWN spoke to the otolaryngologist and he feels strongly that Obama’s hearing loss can be corrected. “We see this sometimes.  People temporarily go deaf.  We think that in about nine or ten months, his hearing will fully return to normal.”

Insiders say the President will go about his normal duties.  “I bet itwon’t affect his golf game at all,” said a Republican congressman.

DALLAS  – According to sources close to the Texas governor – Rick Perry fakes his twang.

Rick Perry is known for his tough talk and his heavy Texas twang.  But an insider close to the governor says that he is faking his Texas twang – because he feels it will appeal to voters.

“Oh hell, he’s been faking it for years,” said Perry family friend, Tad Boller.   “He was born in Texas, but his parents ‘educated the twang’ out of him when he was a boy.  I bust a gut every time I hear him make a speech.”

Why does Perry do it?  “He thinks it makes him more of a cowboy, makes him sound tougher,” said Boller.

Perry considers himself a “rugged Texan” who often tells supporters he can ride a bronco bareback and can rope a calf blindfolded.  Perry proudly tells friends he can wrestle a brown bear and is willing to prove it.  “Brown bears don’t scare me.  What scares me is people who believe in evolution.  That scares the grits out of me.”

Also, according to insiders, Perry is really a Democrat.  “He likes talking like a big ole Red Republican, but he really is an environmentalist at heart, who believes fully in global warming.  He also likes higher taxes, unions and is pro-choice.  Once he becomes President, he plans on doing the Texas two-step on the American people.  He’s already saying that Al Gore is going to be his Secretary of Energy.”

As a boy, Perry took lessons to learn how to speak with a proper Texas twang.  “It was kind the reverse of what you saw in that movie, The King’s Speech,” Boller said.   Boller said taht Perry used to speak English with no accent whatsoever, but he wanted to be considered ‘cool’ by his classmates in high school,  so he started taking Twang Lessons.  In college, at Texas A&M, Perry lapsed back and lost his twang, but when he made a run for Texas governor, he brought back his teacher and… now he’s making a run for President.”

Professor Guy Bailey, a linguistics expert at University of Texas, is Rick Perry’s twang instructor.

Perry tells friends he prefers “Texas English,” than “English English.”  Perry says that Texas English is more desirable these days and that foreign leaders “expect American Presidents to have a Texas twang.  “They respect us more if our President has the twang,” Perry told a town hall in South Carolina.y

Perry wakes up every day to an alarm clock that says, “Y’all have a good day. “  He alwasy says he is all for big “bidness” and tells friends that he is “fixin’ to” send Barack Obama back to Illinois.”  Perry has a personal goal of saying “y’all” at least 100 times a day.  “He thinks the more he says it, the more of a Texan he is,” said Boller.

But there’s another cowboy in town, and he’s learning to twang, too:

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have announced they have separated after 25 years of marriage.
In a shock announcement,  the couple who have four children together, released a joint statement saying they were living apart while they ‘work on the future’ of their marriage.

Shriver helped bolster Schwarzenegger’s campaign eight years ago to become California Governor.

She stood by the Terminator actor at the time amid claims he groped a string of women during his movie career.

Late on Monday night saying that Shriver, 55, is ‘moving out of their Brentwood mansion while the two determine the next step in their 25-year marriage’.

The newspaper said Shriver has actually been living apart from the actor-turned-politician for the last few weeks.

The former First Couple confirmed their separation on Monday night after questions were raised by The Times.

“This has been a time of great personal and professional transition for each of us,” the couple joint statement read.

“After a great deal of thought, reflection, discussion and prayer, we came to this decision together.

“At this time, we are living apart while we work on the future of our relationship.”

Before Schwarzenegger, 63,  became governor of California in 2003, Shriver was superstar presenter for NBC News.

Born in Chicago, Illinois, Shriver is a member of America’s famous Kennedy clan.
The daughter of Sargent Shriver and Eunice Kennedy Shriver, Maria met her estranged husband In 1977 when they were introduced by former NBC News presenter Tom Brokaw at a charity tennis tournament being held at her mother’s home.

They married on April 26, 1986 in a lavish ceremony in Hyannis, Massachusetts where the Kennedy family compound is located.

At the time, Shriver co-anchored NBC News’s Sunday Today and later became a contributing anchor on Dateline NBC in 1989.

Once her husband announced his plans to run for California’s governorship, Shriver took an unpaid leave of absence from NBC News to support her husband’s political aspirations.

WASHINGTON, DC – Budget crisis causes U.S. to turn to the alien, P’Lod, for financial aid.

The United States government will face a catastrophic event of historic proportions, if Congress cannot resolve the budget crisis. Current funding is scheduled to run dry on March 4 of this year and if a temporary spending bill is not put into place beforehand, the system of government that the citizens of the United States have grown accustom to will end, permanently.

Republicans have proposed $60 billion in federal spending cuts in order to keep the U.S. government out of the red and avoid a permanent shutdown. And although the house is now under Republican control, there are still concerns that members of Congress will be unable to put aside partisan principles and band together to save the United States from immanent doom.

As a safety net, some members of the Congress have called upon P’Lod, the alien who backed Barack Obama in the 2008 elections in hopes to find a way to the bring the United States budget under control.

Current Republican planned cuts include blocking federal funding to Planned Parenthood and baring the Pentagon from using tax dollars to sponsor NASCAR race teams.  P’Lod does not have issue with reducing funding to Planned Parenthood but he will not stand for cuts to NASCAR.  P’Lod really loves his NASCAR.

P’Lod has offered to take President Obama up on his offer for the White House, agreeing to pay the full asking price plus closing costs, as a sign of his commitment to aid the U.S. in these trying times.

“P’Lod has always enjoyed his visits to the White House,” said a top White House aide, “He’s really going to enjoy it here, especially the West Wing.”

Based on the great deal of influence that P’Lod had during the 2008 elections; many conspiracy theorists worry that this purchase is all but a tactical maneuver by P’Lod in order to help him to gain complete control of the U.S. and ultimately the world.

“There are tons of government secrets locked up in the White House, many of which the U.S. government does not even know about,” explained John McElroy, top conspiracy theorist and movie buff, “I’ve seen National Treasure and National Treasure: Book of Secrets. If we let P’Lod get a hold of that information there is no telling what powers and riches he will uncover.”

ALBANY – Andrew Cuomo voted and then went off and turned himself into Bat Boy!!

Andrew Cuomo didn’t go to the polls today to vote for herself… instead she wanted to join in the fun and Bat Boy herself!

Happy Election Day from WWN.   Andrew Cuomo knows that Bat Boy was the highlight of his year – 2010.   He was inspired by seeing the picture of Bat Boy in the East Village last Monday!

Cuomo wanted to know what he would look like as Bat Boy?
So  he did it.

Now for the first time check out the official Bat Boy Yourself facebook application from Weekly World News.

It’s live right NOW so click below and make someone smile on Election Day!

GO BAT BOY YOURSELF on FACEBOOK!!

And here’s a little Empire State of Mind for you.  Cuomo loves it and Bat Boy loves it:

ALBANY – New York Gubernatorial candidates get ready for tonight’s second debate.

Tonight is the second debate for the candidates in the New York gubernatorial race.  Top candidates are Andrew Cuomo (Democrat),  Carl Paladino (Republican) and Jimmy McMillan (Rent Is Too Damn High).

The last debate had seven candidates up on stage,  but organizers have limited to the top three this time.  It should be another informative, high-minded political debate between three powerhouse candidates.

Andrew Cuomo was seen outside a Merrick deli on Long Island this morning.  He was reasserting his Catholic roots, his devotion to the Blessed Mother and professing that he is a Christian who wants to get the Christian vote.

Jimmy McMillan was in Scarsdale, trying to convince residents that the Rent Is Too Damn High!  in the rest of the state.   After speaking with some residents he vowed to expand his platform and will now be saying:  Taxes Are Too Damn High!

Meanwhile, Carl Paladino was criss-crossing the state with his staff, convincing everyone that he loved gay people, he just doesn’t want any of them in New York State.

The debate is predicted to be lively and entertaining.  Jugglers and strippers will appear on stage in between questions, so the audience does not get bored.  The candidates will cover all the major concerns of citizens in New York:  pie-making, small cars and fire hoses.

Current NY Attorney General, Andrew Cuomo, is the frontrunner, but he still feels he has to do some “dancing” for the citizens of New York.  He will be doing an interpretive hip-hop dance to the hit Jay-Z tune, Empire State of Mind.  Carl Paladino will be singing the old Connie Francis song, Where The Boys Are and Jimmy McMillan will be performing a monologue from a new David Mamet play entitled, The Rent Is Too Damn High!

The debate will be televised on Fox News with Steve Doocy and Brian Kilmeade as the moderators.

NEW YORK, NY – The View’s resident Republican was snubbed by the White House, and she isn’t going down without a fight!

Elisabeth Hasselbeck is one of four female hosts of ABC’s “The View”. Previously a contestant on “Survivor: The Australian Outback”, Hasselbeck fought her way onto the daytime talk show to become the conservative voice.

Yet after spending the past year heavily lobbying for the GOP and the McCain-Palin campaign, Hasselbeck was not invited to any of the White House’s Christmas parties. Hasselbeck took it to the stage and lashed out in a big way.

Hasselbeck fumed, “I did more than enough for the Republican Party this year and this is the thanks I get? Well let me tell you something! I didn’t go all the way to Australia to not learn something.”

She then whipped out a George W. Bush voodoo doll and attempted to curse it, which merely consisted of her shouting “Curse! Curse! Curse!” and sticking a pin in its behind. Hasselbeck pointed into the camera and snarled, “Now I expect an invitation by tomorrow or this doll’s getting hurt!”

It appears Hasselbeck confused Australian Aboriginal traditions with American voodoo, but the effect was still the same. She received a phone call immediately following the broadcast, with Laura Bush apologizing profusely while President Bush yelped in pain in the background.

Whoopi Goldberg is now planning on using the same tactic for President-Elect Barack Obama’s inauguration ball.