NEVADA – Prostitutes in Nevada are campaigning for Ron Paul and they are holding fundraising events at the Bunny Ranch.

Prostitutes at Nevada’s famed legal brothel, the “Bunny Ranch,” are endorsing GOP presidential hopeful Ron Paul in the hopes that the Libertarian candidate will advance the push for legalized prostitution nationwide. To this end, Bunny Ranch staff have created a “Pimpin’ for Paul” program in which their male customers can donate money to the Paul campaign, in addition to the fee for, well, services rendered.

Here’s Brooke Taylor, one of Paul’s tireless supporters:

The women, along with their manager, explained why legalized prostitution is far healthier than the black market variety. While they are indeed Americans exercising their freedom to support the primary candidate of their choosing, getting the Paul camp to accept said donations is another story entirely.

Newt Gingrich had lobbied heavily to get the support of  the prostitutes at the Bunny Ranch.  He spent three nights with Wendy Martin (pictured below), trying to earn her support.  Ultimately she decided to back Paul, but Gingrich wasn’t unhappy with her.  In fact, reports are that Gingrich has plans to “visit” her again in the near future.

Watch a few of these Paul supporters share their thoughts:

DALLAS, TX – Secretary of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano, announced the White House’s plan to deport 15 million Republicans to Mexico.

Many in Washington were stunned by President Obama’s decision, the first time in U.S. history that a sitting President has moved to deport legal U.S. Citizens. Senior Adviser David Axelrod spoke to Keith Olbermann, who thought the idea was “genius, you should have done this a year ago.”  Axelrod explained the decision, “It is difficult for the President to get his agenda through with all these Republicans standing in his way. When we won the election we thought they would just shut up and let us clean up the mess. We’re left with no choice but to deport these Republicans, so that we can run the country the way we want.”

Napolitano said that mass deportations will start immediately and would not be limited to Arizona Republicans – though they would be the first rounded up.  Governor Jan Brewer was picked up last night and driven across the border in an armored car.  She was taken to Rosarito on the West Coast of Mexico – where she will be set up with a taco stand.  Homeland Security has streamlined the system by seizing the records of Republican Party offices throughout the country. They will begin going door to door, randomly picking those Republican individuals (and families) that “have to go.”

Glenn Beck was taken this morning to an adobe hut in Campeche where he will continue broadcasting his show – to himself.

Once they hit the 15 million mark, the Obama Administration plans to grant citizenship to the 15 million illegal immigrants in this country.  Axelrod said, “these new citizens will be registered Democrats and that will make it a lot easier for us to get our agenda passed.”

When asked about the deportations James Carville told CNN that if they came for his wife, Republican Mary Matalin, ICE was going to have some trouble. “I’ll open some cajun whoopass on those bastards.” He was also upset that he’d be out of a job.  “If there’s only one party in the country, who’s gonna need political consultants?”

As of 2004 there were 55 million registered Republicans in the country.  After the deportations, there still will 40 million left.  “This is just the first phase of Operation So-Long-Suckers.  If it goes as smoothly as we predict, we can deport another 15 million by the end of the year,” President Obama told Katie Couric, who wept with joy. “There is no other President in the history of our great nation that would the courage and strength to take the necessary steps to bring us all together.  You are a God, Mr. President,” Couric told Obama.  “I know,” President Obama replied.

As you would expect, most Republicans were outraged at the deportations, but Axelrod reminded them that “you smashed the car into the tree and we’ve been trying to get the car back on the road, and you want us to give you the keys back to the car, so you can smash another tree. Well, you’re not getting the keys back, you’re being sent to your room.  Mexico.”

Washington insiders were not surprised that several Republicans supported the deportations:  Senator  Scott Brown of Massachusetts and Senators Olympia Snowe and Susan Collins of Maine.  But even though they spoke in favor of the plan, President Obama is still having them deported.  “They’re still Republicans.  One and elephant, always an elephant.”

So,if you are a Republican, how do you protect yourself against being deported?

RUN!!!

WASHINGTON, DC – This weekend, former Vice President Dick Cheney said Rush Limbaugh was his model Republican. Thousands of young republicans around the country are making daring changes to live up to their new conservative ideal.

On Face the Nation this Sunday, Dick Cheney was invited on to speak about his ideas regarding the future of the Republican Party.  In this interview, Cheney stated he believed the model Republican would be popular radio host Rush Limbaugh.  He went on to describe the various ways that Republicans should follow the Rush example.

“Parents should be pulling their kids out of college,” said Dick Cheney.  “I mean, if you love your country and you’re a patriot, you won’t send your children to college.  These are institutions that brainwash impressionable young minds with their liberal agenda.  Giving your money to something like that, you might as well be funding terrorism.  They are the real threat to America’s future.  Now look at Rush Limbaugh.  He makes more money per year than some African nations and he never finished college.  He got kicked out after one year!”

Republicans have taken his words to heart and are now taking drastic measures to live up to the newly anointed model of Conservativism.

Republican families are pulling their children out of college in record numbers.  In less than 24 hours, 6000 students have been pulled out of classes by enraged Republican families.  Sarah Lawrence College saw a riot last night between the local community and the student body.  A drum circle was trampled by angry goats brought by members of the local 4H club, and three hackey sacks were placed in the rectum of the Dean of Philosophy.  The school has shut down until the tension has passed.

Republicans not in college are finding other ways to follow in Rush’s feet.  Conservative eating contests are being organized around the country.  Hot dogs, apple pie, and other Americana treats are the favorites at these competitions designed to put on pounds and raise money for military families.

Dick Cheney concluded his interview this Sunday by saying that Rush would play a key role in the marketing of a re-branded Republican Party.  “He’s going to be a part of the new marketing push we do to get our image out there.  The image is Rush being anointed as the head of the GOP naked on the top of Mount Rushmore.  It’s all in black and white, real classy.”  He then appeared to get lost in his own thoughts, “Yeah, real classy…”

BATON ROUGE, LA – After their crushing defeat in November the Republican Party was left with no clear leader. Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal hopes to fill the power vacuum, and has entered talks with Satan to do just that.

Jindal and his lawyers contacted the Prince of Darkness, most likely through Craigslist, and are currently negotiating an IS-w1 deal, immortal soul for one wish, that would have Jindal crowned the figurehead of the Republican Party.  Despite his formidable legal team, if granted the nomination Jindal will certainly not escape with his soul.

Jindal is well acquainted with Satan, having led his high school Exorcism team to the state championships three years in a row.

If the deal goes through and he is chosen he will be anointed with ram’s blood in the basement of the Fox News headquarters.

More on this story, as it develops.

WASHINGTON, DC – Vice President Dick Cheney has announced that he is a Vampire.  At a press conference in the hours before dawn, Cheney stated, “I am an Undead-American.”

His admission comes as a shock to most Americans, but is no surprise to anyone who knew him well.  This may also shed light on his questionable relationship with Chief of Staff Alfred Renfield.

Cheney answered several questions relating to the nature of his vampirism.  According to his statement he was bitten while on a diplomatic mission to Eastern Europe during the first Bush administration.  During the day he either works in underground White House rooms, or rests in the man-sized safe in his office.

When asked how he reconciles being a vampire with his conservative policies, Cheney growled “This is a private family matter, which we have worked through, and will continue to work through.”

Dick Cheney went on to say “I don’t believe my thirst for blood has affected my politics.”

Clearly the Vice President waited until after the election to come out of the coffin, so as to not further alienate voters already scared by the Republican Party. The recent trend in vampire-sexy with successes like “Twilight” and “True Blood” also made Cheney feel more apt to be accepted.

Vampire Advocacy groups are condemning the soon to be ex-vice president for not coming out sooner.  Gabrielle LeFleur of Fangs for Friends said “He is only encouraging vampirism as something to be ashamed of.  These Log-Mausoleum Republicans do not help the cause.”

The Vice President’s announcement comes on the heels of reports of seven missing White House interns; six beautiful women and one confused effeminate young man.  After staring into Cheney’s eyes, experts believe there is no connection.