The thunder of Zeus be upon you, O mortals! The President has declared energy reform to be nonnegotiable. And yet I, the great god of the sea, wait for the prayer phone to ring.

The ringtone to my prayer phone is the sirens’ song.  It’s been two thousand years, mortals, and I’m beginning to think they will not sing for me.

How you have lost your way, seafarers.  How your monotheism and scientific revolution and liberal democratic government have forsaken we Olympians.  Do you no longer see our greatness?  Has my eternal glory become somehow less eternal?

You wish to end your dependence on foreign oil, curb the effects of global warming, and create jobs for recession-weary Americans?  Begin with the gods, mortals.  Begin by rekindling the millennia-old flame of my celebrity.  Pray to the king among kings, the lord of the fjord, the god with the most cod.

I carried the triremes to Troy, mortals.  I brought Ulysses home eventually.  The great Pericles himself kneeled before my image and worshipped me, before dying of an entirely unrelated plague.  I bring fortune and glory wherever I go.

Reform your pitiful energy laws if you so choose, mortals.  Tentatively begin to alter the course of the behemoth oil tanker known as America.  But know that my depths surround you, and that my seas are ever rising.  And recognize that whether or not you worship me, my godly power and everlasting fame are not negotiable.

HOUSTON, TX – Billionaire energy mogul T. Boone Pickens has announced a revolutionary alien technology as the next step in the campaign for US energy independence.

After making his fortune in the Texas oil industry, Pickens has recently joined the crusade for green, renewable energy technologies that will allow the United States to break free of the stronghold of foreign oil.

“The only way for this nation to reverse the effects of global warming, boost the economy, and put millions of Americans back to work, is to invest in revolutionary energy sources,” Pickens told a summit of energy and environmental experts.

“Wind, nuclear, solar, and biofuel are just the first steps.  With energy needs growing every day, we need to look further.  I am proud to announce that in conjunction with the Qwoak Delegate to the United States, we will bring Alien power cell fusion technology to America for the first time.”

While it is unclear where exactly this energy source originates from, the Qwoak Delegation claims that it is a renewable energy resource that allows them to travel the length of the galaxy and back on just one power cell.

“Its clean, its green, its renewable.  Not to mention a fraction of the price of buying crude oil from the Saudis or Venezuelans.”

The Qwoak guarantee that no animal, human, or alien is part of the mysterious cell fusion process.  This comes as a great relief to environmentalists still decrying the failed attempt to integrate Martian baby-smelting into the automotive industry in the 1970s.