Asian women share tips on how to catch a man and keep him happy.

For generations Asian women learned how to treat a man by following rules laid down by Thai philosopher Sunthron Phu in his book Maxims for Teaching Women.  Now they’ve taken his words of wisdom that have been passsed down fro more than 2,000 years and updated them to deal with men in 2012.

Here are the winning recommendations for Western women who want to trade be successful in love and marriage:

1) YOUR MAN IS KING - Remember that your man/husband comes first – before you, your parents, your outside interests or even your children.

2) RISE EARLY.  Get up in the morning before your man does.  Make sure you prepare a healthy breakfast so he gets a good stare on the day.  Even if you have to leave before him, make sure he has a nice breakfast waiting for him when he comes into the kitchen in the morning.

3) NEVER NAG.   Never, ever. If he wants to stop off after work and have a few drinks with his buddies, that’s his business.  If he forgot to take out the garbage – do it yourself.

4)  BE AT HOME.  Make sure you’re always at home when he gets in from a hard day at the office.  Even if you are working, make sure you get home to your man/husband as soon as possible.

5)  SMILE.   Always greet your man with a smile on your face and, if you can, a cold drink in your hand.

6)  DINNER READY.    If you are home, or get home first, always have a delcious dinner ready to be served. And if he comes home feeling tense, give him a massage to ease his aches and pains.

7)  LET HIM HANG WITH FRIENDS.  If your man wants to have his buddies over for a night of poker, or football, or video games, don’t  get mad. Encourage it and make sure you’ve got lots of sandwiches and cold beer on hand to serve them.

8)  ASK FIRST.  Always ask him first before you go spending his hard-earned money, or even your hard-earned money, to buy something for yourself.

9)  REMOTE CONTROL.   Let him choose the programs you watch onteleveision.   The television is man’s domain… he should be in charge.  And only Netflix/rent HIS  favorite movies.

10)  OBEY.  Don’t do things your husband doesn’t approve of.  And don’t complain about it. If he doesn’t want you wasting tyour time watching soap operas or having coffee with a neighbor, obey him.  You’ll both be happier for it.

11)  WILD IN BED.  Be a temptress in bed.  I fhe likes you in sexy lingerie, wear it.  Be shy and demure when you’re out in public, but once the lights are out, let him know he’s the only man in the world who can please you.

12)  KNOW SPORTS.  Bone up on sports so you’ll have something to talk about. But always let him start the conversation.

13)  KEEP FIT. Keep yourself in shape and always dress nicely so you’ll be a wife any husband would be proud to have.

14)  CLEANING.  Keep your home spic and span at all times.  It should look like you’re expecting company.  And the laundry should always be done.  Your man  should never have to look for clean socks or underwear and his shirts should all be ironed – by you.

Follow ALL these steps and you will be happy for the rest of your life!

A study confirms that women want to marry psychopaths.

Bad boys get all the girls.  It has been confirmed. Women might claim they want caring, thoughtful types but scientists have discovered what they really want – self-obsessed, lying psychopaths.  They want crazy, self-absorbed men!

A study has found that men with the “dark triad” of traits – narcissism, thrill- seeking and deceitfulness – are likely to have a larger number of sexual affairs.

Paul Papperman, of New Mexico University in Las Cruces, believes that these traits have an innate, genetic component that explains why some men seem unable to stop themselves behaving badly.

The dark triad of traits are the self-obsession of narcissism, the impulsive, thrill-seeking and callous behavior of psychopaths and the deceitful and exploitative nature of Machiavellianism. “We have lots of evidence that these traits represent a successful evolutionary strategy,” Dr.  Jojorovich told New Scientist magazine.

Many famous men – from James Dean to Pete Doherty –  show elements of the dark triad of traits, but perhaps the best fictional example is James Bond. “He’s clearly disagreeable, very extrovert and likes trying new things – including killing people and new women,” Dr Jojorovich said.

The study subjected 2o,000 college students to personality tests designed to rank them in terms of the dark triad. They were also asked about their sexual relationships, including their attitude towards brief affairs.

Dr. Jojorovich said those with the highest rating in terms of the dark triad had more partners and a greater desire for short-term affairs.

The dark triad approach is one way of maximizing a man’s reproductive potential by having sex with many females, while not bothering to stick around to help with the children. “The strategy seems to have worked. We still have these traits,” Dr Jojorovich said.

David Schmitt, of Bradley University in Peoria, Illinois, surveyed 65,000 people in 57 countries and found a similar link. “It is universal across cultures,” he said.  “Women hate nice guys, they want the bad boys!”

The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-Train. A frequent dater and lover…

Dude Dating with J-Train: College vs. Real-World Dating

Q. Train, I just graduated college at the end of December (Yea, 4 and a half years, I party, so what?). I’m entering the “real world”, single and ready to mingle. What kind of changes can I expect in my dating life now that I’m not in college? – Carlton Banks, Beverly Hills, CA

Listen up, Carlton, the piggest – oops, I mean biggest – difference is that girls are fatter- oh my lord, I meant ‘choosier’…CHOOSIER, I don’t know where that came from. Anyway, yeah, I meant choosier. This isn’t an isolated campus anymore with only maybe a hundred viable options. Most post-collegiate are moving into large cities, where the possibilities are endless. You’re not competing against Johnny-Frat-Guy on a level playing field anymore – you’re up against guys with better jobs, better clothes, better apartments, not to mention you’re dealing with a larger age range. Girls have options now, and they got the ‘4-year-slut’ out of their system (mostly), which means you’ll have to step up your game.

The Pick-Up

While at college, buying a girl a shot of tequila was like giving her a dozen roses and a promise ring – and only the most gentlemanly of gentlemen would buy a girl Patron. Now it just means, ‘I’m a complete creep and I’m broke, so let’s make this quick, whore,’ – and, weirdly, girls don’t like this. These days, you’re going to have to talk your way in.

Girls want to know three things after college: where you live, what you do, and does your toilet have that pink ring around the bowl. If the story is ‘I’m 23, live with my parents, and I spend my days playing ping pong at the local Y until I figure things out,’ then forget it. Post-collegiate existential crises are only cute to girls when it’s in a movie. I’m not saying to lie, I’m saying just sell the sizzle a little bit; dress up the story. When she asks, ‘What do you do?’ tell her you weren’t into the whole ‘finance game’ so you took a quick jaunt to the West Indies to ‘clear your head’ and you just got back a few weeks ago, so you’re staying with your parents for the time being so you can help around the house since they are ‘blind and wheelchair-bound’; also, to kill time during the day, you’ve started a program at the local Y to teach quadriplegics how to ‘play table tennis with their mouths’ and how you think that if they can return a serve, then they can ‘paddle back any of the hardships that life has cruelly delivered them.’ All of a sudden, this girl isn’t getting picked up by a 23-year-old loser with no prospects, but a character from a romantic comedy that happens to be looking damn good right now in that American Eagle polo. After story time is over tell her – ‘Enough about me, let’s just have fun tonight.’ NOW buy her the shot of tequila.

First Dates

‘Come to my place and watch a movie’ isn’t a viable option anymore as a first date. After four years in college, girls start to know that ‘Come over and watch a movie’ means ‘Come over and I’m going to spend the whole night trying to get you to rest your head in my lap…face down.’ She doesn’t want to call home to her mom the next day and tell her the date involved ‘Ghostbusters 2 and a rash from your leather couch.’ So lets start somewhere mature: a bar for drinks. I’ve gone over the steps in the Minor Leagues of Dating. Remember some patience. Movies and giving her the old ‘Vigo the Carpathian’ will come soon enough, but this girl has to see investment of time, energy, and money.

Sex

If you live with your parents, give it time, your genitals will figure something out. Just don’t get a hotel room and tell her to hurry things up because the hourly rate goes up after 11. If you have your own place then concentrate on being a better lover – you can’t just break out the oilrig, go to town, and then tell her a Pledge will drive her home. Keep a bottle of wine in the house, loosen up a little, and have some fun with her. Sex doesn’t need to be the steamy, aggressive garbage you watch on the interweb. Have a laugh with her and tell her that her breasts look magnificent; and the next morning, give her a ride home or walk her to the cab – these are easy things that can make up for your complete lack of sexual prowess. And always remember that if you couldn’t get her off the night before, bring her to brunch the next morning – it’s a bizarre phenomenon, but after college, frittatas and mimosas give girls the climax you never will.

Here’s the deal: hooking up with a girl after college is no longer the trophy you brag about to your friends. Nobody cares anymore that you got some last night, and your life isn’t measured in notches on the belt. Everyone out in the ‘real world’ cares far more about their jobs and the garbage truck schedule, so whether you’re just looking for some strange on a Saturday night or a long term relationship, put in a little more effort and it will pay dividends. Give her a story, a decent first date, and some lifeless, teary sex – as long as you pay for brunch.

You’re Welcome,

Train.

Do you have dating questions for J-Train? … Email me!

Follow J-Train on Twitter … http://twitter.com/#!/jtrain5

The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-Train. A frequent dater and lover..

Dude Dating with J-Train: Get Back Together?

Q. My boyfriend and I have been broken up for about two months and he wants to get back together. I’m debating what to do because he told me he had sex with someone else during our break. He said he loved me. How could he do that? I’m not sure if I can just let this go. Train, what do you think? – Rachel Berry, Lima, OH

So, I have this friend who’s pretty liberal, and after a few drinks he loves to tell me how Glenn Beck or Bill O’Reilly offended him this week; and I sit there generally ignoring him because no one cares. But I always ask the same question, ‘If you hate them so much then why do you watch?’ And guess what? He never has an answer. But I think I do; arguing with something – especially with something that can’t argue back – is the easiest way to convince yourself that you’re right. It’s comforting to know that the world as you know it is remaining that way; and, weirdly, a lot of us derive our comfort from agitation. And so it goes with my mortal enemy and me: romantic comedies. That’s right; I watch A LOT of romantic comedies (I even saw All About Steve – and if it wasn’t for Sandra Bullock teaching that obese kid how to block – she would be dead to me). I hate them, don’t get me wrong, but I have this masochistic obsession with seeing just how wrong they get everything: sexless, skinny-jeans-wearing heroes with hearts of gold; put-upon princesses; and the belief that real love can only derive from the most dramatic of circumstances. If Katherine Heigl gets her way, an entire generation of young women will wait around for ‘Mr. Right’ and then die years later – with their skeletal remains being found at a table for one. And then the Machines will win.

Anyway, in an act of self-flagellation, I took a date to go see Love and Other Drugs this past weekend.  It actually wasn’t bad. It got a few things wrong (i.e. thinking that fake Jonah Hill looking kid is funny) and a few things right (i.e. that people have sex while naked; the idea that strictly sexual relationships can turn into actual relationships; blow jobs). The one thing they got extremely right is in a scene at the end where Jake Gyllenhall’s character bangs two chicks (at the same time) while on a break from Anne Hathaway’s character. But, while the little orgy was great film, what happened after was even better…nothing. Absolutely nothing. I mean, the movie went on, of course, but there was no big dramatic confession of ‘infidelity’; no big fight between the lead characters followed by thoughtful scenes of them walking through the city (while a gently plucked Ray LaMontagne song plays in the background); not even a mention of what just occurred. It was beautiful.

What I’m saying here is that men want to sleep with women (shocking, I know). We should all wear mandatory tee shirts that say ‘Boners Happen.’ It’s ingrained in our psyche, an evolutionary need, a holdover from hundreds of thousands of years of breeding in order to forward a species (Ever been to a zoo? I’ve never seen a guy monkey take a girl monkey to a movie before banging in front of the Asian tourists.) And all of a sudden, we are meant to apologize for this? Relationships, at their crudest level, are an agreement; ‘I like/love you so much, that I am willing to put aside this desire because I want to share my life with you at this particular time – and I can expect weekly blow jobs without kissing.’ I may even make future girlfriends sign a piece of paper that says that (BJ part included). You, dear reader, broke the agreement. And love and sex isn’t the same thing.

I said earlier that we all derive some comfort from agitation. That’s exactly what will happen; you will argue with your boyfriend about how he must never have loved you, you will shame him, make him wait, emotionally torture him by acting wounded until he admits what a mistake he’s made. But it won’t be the truth. It’s only what you want to be the truth. Truth is, when you tell someone you don’t want to date them anymore, a guy will have a tough time turning down the overweight chick with tequila breath. Believe me, I get it, it sucks to know someone you care about slept with someone else, so if you can’t move past it, then end it. But if you can realize that what you want (a romantic comedy boyfriend) isn’t a real thing, then forgive him, move on, and never mention it again. You’ll both be happier for it.

You’re Welcome,

Train.

Do you have dating questions for J-Train? … Email me!

Follow J-Train on Twitter … http://twitter.com/#!/jtrain5

The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-Train. A frequent dater and lover…

Q. As a chick I must say your articles are pretty dead on from my experience. What is your take on long distance relationships? Are they worth it? And how do you know? How far away is too far?  Any advice on this topic would be great. – Laura Winslow, Chicago, IL

Here’s the bad news: The Long Distance Relationship is never easy – shocker, huh? (That’s why they pay me the Weekly World News money.) But are they worth it? That’s a hell of a big question, but I’m not one to shy away from anything big (this is a double entendre directed at some of you heavier girls – wink, wink, nudge, nudge, obvious, obvious – Oh man what have I become?). So let’s dive into deciding factors.

Distance
This is actually pretty simple math – Distance is inversely proportional to the probability that the relationship will actually pan out. If you’re in New York and he’s in Philly, well, hell, your a train ride away (this may actually be more healthy than living in the same city) – weekends together are easy, your friend groups probably interact, and it’s likely you lead similar day-to-day lives. But let’s say you’re in Tucson and he’s spending a couple years in Thailand; you can pretty much forget it. I know you had a tearful goodbye in the terminal, and you bought a plane ticket only so you could walk him to the gate, and you each put your hands up to the windows as his plane pulled off the tarmac; but I’m pretty sure he spent the second hour of that flight on his iPad playing with the “Asian Hooker Finder App” while he listens to ‘Me So Horny’ by 2 Live Crew. And it’s not only because Thailand is thousands of miles away; the moment he steps off that plane in the Far East, you officially have very little in common – you see, everyone thinks that if you both liked Gremlins 2 when you were a kid, that you’re meant to be together; ‘We like the same quirky crap!’  Well, I call bullshit – what determines compatibility isn’t your shared obsession with art you have no real connection to; it’s the lives you lead everyday and the choices you make in the face of all that – Who you are really. So if he’s really the type to spend two years in Thailand without you – leading a completely different life – then move on; he’s clearly less invested than you are.

‘But J-Train,’ you ask, ‘What about the in-between? You know, like Dallas to Chicago, or San Francisco to Boston?’ Well, the good news is I saw a movie about this exact thing with Drew Barrymore and the guy from the Apple ads. The bad news is I fell asleep. But I think it ended in a murder-suicide, and Drew Barrymore had to submerge herself in molten steel to save the future from being taken over by machines. Anyway, determining whether the ‘in-between’ (5 hours or less flight time) is worth it depends on a few factors:

Money
Money matters more in relationships than anyone cares to admit, and this is magnified in any long distance relationship. Can you afford the plane ticket? Do you have your own apartment, or at least your own room when your boyfriend visits? Can you afford a nice web-cam to awkwardly cyber? If you can’t see the person regularly, then your relationship will fail.  This shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone. If you can’t make a physical/visual connection at least once a month, then you don’t have a boyfriend, you have a pen pal.

Sanity
Are you the jealous type? Then you are in trouble. Being away from someone makes it easy for your mind to create something that isn’t there. Let’s say you get a text from your girlfriend saying: “Going to Dave and Buster’s for some skee-ball!! Call you tomorrow”. Now that’s a pretty harmless text, but if you’re the crazy type, the distance makes you think, “who are Dave and Buster, and why hasn’t she mentioned these friends before? And what the hell kind of hand job is a skee-ball? And why is she calling me tomorrow instead of tonight? 85 straight texts and phone calls until she is as miserable as I am will fix this!” See how that works? End it; otherwise you will start the arduous process of driving that relationship into the ground you nut job.

And what makes it even harder is that some nights, he may not want to talk to you. It may have nothing to do with you – maybe it was just a long, hard day. Do you have the strength to be 500 miles away, hearing a disembodied, exhausted voice and not ask, ‘Is this about us?’

Future
You asked at the beginning, ‘How do you know?’ I honestly can’t answer that for you. I do know this, soul mates don’t exist, so grow up and ask yourself this: Do you see yourselves together in the near future? How about the not-so-near future? And is that future a truly happy one? Or is he getting skee-balled by Buster in Dave’s weird sex dungeon?

Each one of these factors has to be taken into account, and it takes some real honest looks at yourself and your relationship. And if you really want to make it work, make sure you manipulate your birth control so you’re not menstruating the whole week he visits.  Please.

You’re Welcome,

Train.

Do you have dating questions for J-Train? … Email me!

Follow J-Train on Twitter … http://twitter.com/#!/jtrain56

HAVANA, CUBA – Fidel Castro met with US lawmakers for the first time in years this Tuesday.  Political expert the Alien was on hand to assist with the talks. 
Washington is attempting to warm up relations with the communist country, including lifting the ban on American travel and the long held trade embargo.

The Alien, acting as an outside opinion, agreed that a furthered dialogue could be beneficial for both nations.

“The Cold War is long over.  There is no reason these two nations should not pursue a dialogue which could be mutually beneficial.”

Fidel Castro requested the Alien specifically to help mediate the meeting.  It was during the most heated portion of America’s relationship with Cuba that the Alien crash landed in Roswell New Mexico.  At the time Castro was obsessed with learning what advantages, technological or political, the Alien may be giving his cold war adversaries.  Finally seeing the Alien, knowing with certainty he exists and even talking with him, was the realization of a long held dream for Mr. Castro.

The meeting focused on the normalization between the two countries, and what that could mean.  Fidel and his brother Raul Castro believe that the Obama administration may be able to finally open the doors between the neighboring countries.

After the meeting Fidel took the Alien aside to ask about the part he played in “the old days.”  The Alien, although very polite, seemed very uncomfortable and kept giving the ‘help me’ signal to his fellow delegates.

The typically staunch communist leader seemed very keen on seeing improved US Cuba relations within his lifetime, and sent all the delegates home with large boxes of cigars and novelty military hat /fake beard sets.