NEW YORK, NY – Even the almighty David Beckham isn’t immune to the economy!

The Beckhams live a charmed life that many envy. Victoria is a fashion icon and David is an international superstar. His modeling and soccer career have brought him millions and allowed him and his family live in utter luxury. They have more money than they know what to do with – or so we thought. Even the Beckhams are feeling the effects of the economy.

According to the Sun, Victoria called in a money expert to overhaul their finances because she feared the high-spending lifestyle was inappropriate at a time when ordinary people are tightening their belts. Apparently, she was pushed to pursue such a method after the family was warned that they were “pouring money down the drain.”

The family was informed that they were wasting hundreds of thousands a year on surplus staff at their homes in England, LA, Dubai and France. The family was employing about 50 – tasked with taking care of their luxurious properties. Much to their dismay, the Beckhams made the cost-cutting move of sacking 14 of their 50 employees.

“There has been a large downsize. David and Victoria are multi-millionaires but that doesn’t mean they to waste money – and they were hemorrhaging it,” a friend said.

What is this world coming to?! Where a man has to make cuts to his staff that watch over his lavish estates because of the economy. Pure madness!

The Beckhams are said to be worth around $200 million.

BUFFALO, NY – President Obama has a new billboard that doesn’t exactly give him some good PR!

President Obama walked into a very clear message when he visited Buffalo, NY on Thursday: “I need a freaking job.” His visit was aimed at promoting the administration’s success in creating new jobs. He also pitched Congress on approving a $30 billion credit for small-business growth.

Latest job figures show 9.9 percent of the nation is still out of work and many blame Obama for focusing his recovery efforts too narrowly. A group of Buffalo residents, fed up with the job market, decided to make sure the president knew their thoughts. The erected billboard was conveniently placed along the route that Obama’s motorcade took into town. They also constructed a website called INAFJ.org to further their mission.

The campaign was organized by Buffalo businessman Jeff Baker, who lost his own small business 15 months ago. Buffalo was already on hard times before the recession, and the current state of the economy has made things much worse.

“We employed 25 people and it was the most heartbreaking situation I’ve been through in my life,” Baker said of losing his business. “Nothing else matters unless the American people are working.”

NEW YORK, NY – One man went to extremes to land a job and it finally paid off!

Paul Nawrocki was laid-off from his toy company executive position in 2008. While many would have hit job posting sites and phoned friends, Nawrocki took a different approach. He hit the streets of Manhattan wearing a sandwich board reading “Almost Homeless” and handing out his resume. He had become the face of the recession.

“It was very inspiring for me,” said Nawrocki. “It truly changed me spiritually as a person.”

The idea was not his own but rather his daughter’s. The 61-year-old father of one now has his daughter to thank for helping land his new job that he started last month at Fantasma Toys.

“I applied online, looked in newspapers, I networked,” he said. “And nothing was happening.”

Nawrocki began to make the commute from upstate Beacon into the city daily. Armed with his trusty sign and a fresh stack of his resumes, he hoped to get a little more action. After collecting 99 weeks of unemployment, the dedication paid off and he was rewarded with his new job.

The job couldn’t have come at a better time. Nawrocki and his wife declared bankruptcy last year. They were on food stamps, they went to food banks, and they received gifts from family. He’s way behind on his mortgages and the reality of how long his unemployment could continue for was setting in. Although his paycheck is nearly half of what he made and his title isn’t as glamorous, his new job offers a minimal sense of stability and security in an economy that doesn’t offer the same.

“It was good. It felt good,” he said of being back in the office.

WASHINGTON, DC – A government think tank has come up with a plan to put $10,000 cash in every family’s pocketbook… and key congressional leaders are meeting with President Barack Obama to consider it!

The exciting plan, which has been kept under wraps since it was first suggested in June, is based on the belief that giving money to every adult citizen in the country would stimulate mass spending, giving the economy a boost and creating millions of new jobs. The money would be a no-strings-attached gift, with the only condition that it must be spent on American-produced goods and services. It is believed it will bring America out of the recession, to join countries like England that are already recovering.

“They’re expecting unemployment levels to plummet as people start spending the extra money,” said a congressional source familiar with the elements of the new plan. “All sectors of the economy will have to tool up to produce durable goods and luxuries for the marketplace as consumers rush out to buy, buy buy.

“For the average American, this is going to be an incredible windfall offering substantial long-term benefits. It’s a terrifically expensive plan that will tack on about $2.2 trillion to the already swollen Federal deficit, but the experts believe we can make it all back in just a few years. They expect that once the upward economic spiral begins we will see a new era of prosperity that should last for years and years.”

The plan – dubbed the Cash Incentive Option – has already been discussed with select senators and congressmen, who appear to view the plan favorably, sources say. Even Republicans, who will fight it at the beginning, will be unable to say no to money for their state’s citizens.

“If this plan goes through – and it appears right now that it certainly will – every one of the 218 million adults in this nation will get a check for $10,000 in the mail. They’ll be able to spend the money any way they want – for vacations, as the down payment for a new house, for a new car, for clothes, anything at all.

“Yet unbelievably, this isn’t a giveaway plan. We’re expecting that every cent the government spends will be returned to the public coffers two or three times over. It’s a terrific idea and we have great hopes for it.”

A spokesman for the Obama administration refused to confirm or deny the existence of the cash award plan. However, it is expected to be announced shortly before the Labor Day weekend.

Ben Bernanke says that the worst of the recession is over and the economy will level out, thanks to a large reserve of gold found hidden under Mount Rushmore.
After reaching little to no success working within the Federal Reserve,  Chairman Ben Bernanke began looking for other ways to end the financial crisis.  For the past 3 months he has spent the majority of his time adventuring around the globe seeking alternative income to support the American economy.  His breakthrough came last week when a controversial map found in the Jefferson library led him to a lost city of gold hidden underneath Mount Rushmore.

“This is truely a spectacular find” said Bernanke.  “It will be a great help in propping up the American economy.”

Bernanke’s city of gold is believed to be the remnants of a Native American Indian tribe who stole the gold intended to pay France for the Louisiana purchase.  The Lakota tribe fortified themselves in the South Dakota mountain until they were discovered by government forces in 1877.  Realizing the chaos such an influx of gold would cause on the international markets the site was intentionally hidden.  President Calvin Coolidge further hid the city by placing a monument on top of it.  After that, the secret of the city was lost.

Bernanke’s find is expected to greatly stabilize the financial markets.  Most economists are now saying that the recession is over, and the country can begin its slow recovery.  The millions in gold will be just enough to patch up government deficits and avoid financial disaster.  International pools betting on when the American financial system would melt down were thrown into chaos.

“This revenue” Bernanke said “will also allow government to pay off some of the interest we owe to China, avoiding harsh penalties or foreclosure.”

WASHINGTON, DC – The government has been forced to pull back on defense spending.  Secretary of Defense Robert Gates is pulling funding on F22 and Area 51, which is expected to close within the month.  At a press conference on Monday Robert Gates announced his new plan to shift resources from costly weapons systems to the ground campaigns in Iraq and Afghanistan

Area 51 is a top secret government installation in southern Nevada.  It first gained recognition as a secret government testing site in the 1950’s.  Since then it is believed to be where the government tests new and alien technologies.  Most of the new and alien technology Secretary Gates is cutting is expected to be in Area 51.

According to moles within the Pentagon and several anonymous sources reporters met while drinking in the area, weapons being developed by the government may include:

Aging Ray –   Special frequency microwave emitters which dissolve collagen in
the skin causing victims to instantly appear much older.

LactoPack –   A wearable cheese powered propulsion system.  Small, collapsible, but it only ran on expensive imported cheeses.

Gill Men –      Special volunteers from within the US Navy’s seal teams had gills and fins surgically attached to their bodies to aid in tactical maneuverability.  Unfortunately after the 15 million dollar process they would forget their assignments and play with inflatable balls.

H4 Prime –     Derived from alien technology this was a Hummer 4 series that could turn into a large anthropomorphic robot.  Once it was made self-aware however the robot proved to be self absorbed and irresponsible and cost far more than it was worth.  Efforts have been made to sell the H4 Prime to the Japanese, but currently it refuses to leave its room.

Secretary of Defense Gates insists that programs like these are an unnecessary drain on the military budget, and is pulling the plug on all similar research.

Area 51, we here at the Weekly World News wish you a fond farewell.  Thanks for the memories.

LOS ANGELES—Citing concerns over the recession and the desire to purchase Park Place, a child model asked that she be paid in Monopoly dollars.
The announcement has fueled speculation that US currency may be losing its clout on the world stage.

Dawn Bishop’s preference for funds derived from the Parker Brothers’ famous board game has also prompted investors to consolidate holdings on St. James Place, igniting a storm of controversy among consumer advocacy groups in the orange squares.

“New York Avenue has been rent-controlled for thirty years,” said a spokesman for the non-profit organization Anti-Monopoly Monopoly Players.  “The vibrant community this has spawned could disappear if flows of capital are directed away from the people who make the Free Parking district great.”

The decline in the American dollar has recently led to reinvestment in Monopoly holdings, with new hotels recently built in wealthier neighborhoods such as Marvin Gardens.  Yellow squares Mayor Julie Annie Rudiger attributes the unfettered growth to her aggressive policing strategy, which has left Marvin Gardens tied with Pacific Avenue for the highest incarceration rate in the board.

Although Ms. Bishop’s request has led to controversy, she has remained steadfast in her desire to protect her interests.

“American money’s boring,” she said at a press conference in Los Angeles on Tuesday.  “It’s all green.  But I don’t like the white ones either.  I like pink best.  Pink is pretty.”

Conservative commentators have accused Ms. Bishop of exacerbating—or even creating—a lack of confidence in the American economy.

“What this is doing is shifting people’s thinking away from strengthening America,” said Walt Froman, a member of the Washington-based think tank America for the New Millenium.  “It’s going to weaken the dollar further if these high-paid, high-profile people keep positioning themselves further and further away from American interests.”

For his part, Rich Uncle Pennybags has remained unfazed by the development.  “Sometimes chance goes your way, sometimes it doesn’t,” he said.  “Just keep your fingers crossed for Community Chest and keep rolling those dice.”

Be prepared for anything the economy throws at you with these handy tips.

1. First order of business is to insulate your home against the threat of raging zombies (hereafter called The Poor).  A good place to start is with two-by-fours nailed across all windows and doors.  The eerie rays of light streaming through your living room and your inability to open the door will help you feel more paranoid and less hospitable.

2. It’s always a good idea to hoard food—and not just the non-perishable kind.  Keeping fresh produce, meat, and luxury items around in overabundance lets The Poor know that you’re not the altruistic kind.  It’s important to send a message.  Be creative: use smeared caviar to write Bah Humbug on your front door, or line your driveway with impaled lobsters.

3. Set up a stock ticker in your living room covering the 1920s and 90s on a continuous loop.  Each time it resets, invest in aviation and Microsoft, respectively.

4. Should reality come creeping in more insidiously, say through telephone lines or a sense of empathy, a DVD library of Great Depression-era musicals is a sure-fire way to chase the blues away.  Keep a top hat, white tie and tails around so you’ll be ready when it’s time to forcibly put on the ritz.

5. Amass collectibles sure to increase in value and publicly destroy as a sign of your commitment to the gold standard.

6. Administer tax cuts to the wealthiest members of your household, avoid infrastructure spending, and privatize all major industries.  Then put up the flag of Argentina and wait for your ship to come in.

7. Do not yield to the temptations of protectionism or welfare initiatives.  Such programs only serve to build massively profitable economies, feed people, and train them in emerging industries.  You don’t want to go the way of all major world powers.

8. Find a way to work from home.  If sewing quilts and hanging them off the roof with a price tag doesn’t prove practical, try working an adult phone line.  You don’t even have to get up off the couch, you can set your own hours, and it’s a great way to feel good about yourself.  Just remember to get back to the job hunt when you’re finished.

9. Get a friend to help you dig a tunnel from your kitchen floor to the nearest Wal-Mart.  Leave one last shovelful of earth untouched so the passageway remains invisible but can still be opened at a moment’s notice.

10. Keep a rabbit’s foot for good luck through hard times, and remember that in a pinch it can make a respectable chicken nugget.  Trust me, the kids won’t know the difference, and you can keep the dream of McDonald’s alive till lady luck smiles on America again.

I’m pig biting mad about all the crazy news this week!

I’m sick of that crazy baby machine lady with the big lips. I’m sick of movie stars talking about how brave they are for making a movie about some pansy thirty years after he died.

And I’m sick of hearing about the stock market! All you idiots should have done like your old friend Ed, and hid your money away in a box full of mothballs. I learned that in the Depression. But you kids today, with your pinball machines and your fancy vaccinations, just won’t know how to cope. Laugh all you want, but don’t expect me to share my instant chicory coffee and chipped beef when you’re starving.

Don’t try to steal my money, either, you punks! I’m heavily armed. For how long I don’t know, though. The Communist-in-Chief’s doing a lot of talking about banning guns. Maybe his Arabic copy of the Constitution doesn’t have a Second Amendment, but it’s still there in the one I’ve got framed and hung over the toilet.

Mark my words: the Teleprompter Kid’s gonna start treating guns like cigarettes. Smith & Wesson’s gonna have to write “MAY BE DANGEROUS TO SOMEONE ELSE’S HEALTH” on every rifle. And did you hear about that new law, about how old textbooks and new ATVs have to be banned because they might have a little lead in ‘em? (As if kids are going around licking their Quad Runners instead of riding them!)

Well, bullets are made of lead, right? Any fool can see where this is going. So stock up on ammo while you can. And if you don’t, you might as well have a farting contest in Independence Hall, you pinko traitor fruitcake!

WASHINGTON, DC – Bernanke finally admits how he predicted the end of the recession: Astrology!

Critics and economists have hounded Ben Bernanke since his report on Tuesday, wondering how he could say the recession would be over this year, and 2010 would be a “year of recovery.”  Last night, the Federal Reserve Chairman revealed that his predictions came from a combination of applied economic theory and consulting ancient star charts.

While making no promises, Bernanke said that if the Obama administration and the Fed are able to stabilize the financial markets, the planets are in alignment for the recession to end this year.

“Mercury is in retrograde, likely to stop by the end of the year.  That is when Jupiter and Venus will take over as the dominant planetary influences, which is a condition we haven’t seen since 1997.”

Until now, Bernanke has used a star-sign mood pocket watch to determine how interest rates should be adjusted with the Federal Reserve.  The pocket watch was given to him by Alan Greenspan and has played a key role in determining US economic policy for decades.

This is not the first time clairvoyance has influenced national politics.  President George Bush went to war with Iraq only after being told they had WMDs by an old gypsy woman in Crawford, Texas.  It was later discovered the gypsy woman was a prominent stockholder with Halliburton.

Bernanke has been a longtime believer in the power of the stars, and used astrology to get a near perfect score on the SAT and graduate valedictorian.  At age eleven, he won the state spelling bee by wearing an energy harnessing pyramid on his head for a week.  After losing the helmet in the raucous spelling bee after-party, he only ranked 23rd in the nationals.

Economic markets, domestic and abroad, are closely tied to the movements of the Federal Reserve.  Last week the Dow Jones jumped 500 points when Bernanke said he “had an itchy money finger.”  News that it was just allergies sent the Japanese markets to near bankruptcy.

Bernanke went on to say “In these difficult times, no stone can be left unturned in finding a way to get our country back on track.”  He then threw salt over his shoulder, picked up his rabbit’s foot, and left the meeting.