LONDON – Prince William is engaged to his girlfriend, Kate Middleton.  They plan to marry next summer and move to the United States.

Great Britain will have its biggest royal wedding since Prince Charles married Lady Diana Spencer almost 30 years ago.

Royal officials announced Tuesday that William will marry Kate Middleton next spring or summer in London, ending years of rumored splits, reconciliations and will-they, wont-they speculation.

They also announced that after the couple returns from their honeymoon, they will be moving permanently to the United States.  “Prince William doesn’t want to deal with royals anymore.  He wants a normal life.  He and Kate will move to New York City, but they may settle in Kentucky, a state Kate likes very much,” said one Royal insider.

It makes sense.  Prince William can be a star in the United States, get his own talk show, reality show and he doesn’t have to deal with all the unnecessary pageantry of being  a royal Prince

William is second in line to the British throne after Charles, his father. Kate and William’s first child would move ahead of his younger brother Prince Harry to become third in line to the throne.

Many in Britain welcomed the royal engagement as a rare piece of good news in a time of economic uncertainty and cutbacks — a time much like 1981, when millions watched Charles and Diana’s fairy-tale wedding.  But they soon fell back into the typical British Depression when they learned that Prince William and Kate will not live in the U.K.

“Bloody hell, he’s a royal, he belongs here.  He can’t just leave like that,” said Fiona Blund of Camdentown.  “We need him here!”

Prince Harry is “cool” with his brother getting married and moving to the U.S.    Harry will now move up to number 2 in line to be King and with the aging Charles acting more and more “bizarre”,  Harry has a good shot to take over in the next 10-15 years.

Meanwhile, William and Kate will have their “plus 8″ reality show on the air.  Kate also wants to be a cheerleader instructor for a local high school.  Here’s her outfit:

William’s grandmother, Queen Elizabeth II, and her husband Prince Philip “are absolutely delighted for them both,” Buckingham Palace said. Prince Charles said he was “thrilled.”   The Queen only wished that it was Charles leaving for America, rather than William.  “Charles is such a bore, I’d much rather have William and Kate here.”

The Queen went on to say that if she had the chance, she too would move to the United States.  “I’ve heard a lot of good things about Boca.  I’d love to move to Boca.”

Prime Minister David Cameron wished the couple “great joy in their life together,” and said when he announced the news during a Cabinet meeting it was greeted by cheers and “a great banging of the table.”

“There was a lot of banging going on at the White House too, when we learned about Prince William coming to the U.S.” said Robert Gibbs, White House Press Secretary.

Another Royal wedding… Yay!!

I’m madder than a spitting camel at our new Communist-in-Chief!

First he goes to England, gives the Queen records of his own speeches, and lets his wife hug the old broad! (Like I said last week: at least Michelle didn’t try to give the Queen the fist bump!)

But then it got worse. The Teleprompter Kid met some A-rab king and bowed down to the guy! He didn’t bow to the Queen, did he? OK, the Queen doesn’t have billions of gallons of oil on her land, unless you count the vats of grease they cook their food in. But Sarah Palin has billions of dollars of oil on HER land and Obama would rather eat raw moose meat than bow to Sarah!

The A-rabs should be bowing to US! They use our army because they don’t have their own since the Israelis wrecked their old one. The A-rabs are good at chopping each other’s heads off for stealing a falafel, but they couldn’t win a fight with Jerry Seinfeld?

All A-rabs do all day is put on their weird Snuggie outfits and go shopping for diamonds and Cadillacs. The only smart thing about A-rabs is they don’t let their women drive, and if you’ve ever been in a Wal-Mart parking lot, you know that’s a good idea!

That’s who Obama bowed down to? If you can’t be bothered bowing down to the offspring of a bunch of homely, hemophiliac Krauts, why curtsy to the grandson of some illiterate desert bandit wearing a tea towel?

That’s what were getting for the next four years, my fellow Americans!
When the spacemen land in DC, expect Obama to kiss their little green feet!

SVALBARD, NORWAY – Cindy McCain will return to her ice kingdom following the November elections should her husband not be victorious.

Longstanding rumors allege Mrs. McCain has difficulties remaining for long periods of time in the hot temperatures of Arizona and Washington DC’s summer seasons.

Mrs. McCain, heiress to an American beer fortune, is also the Queen of Svalbard, the northernmost province of Norway.  Although the archipelago is technically part of Norway, the Norwegian government leaves all authority over the province to Mrs. McCain.

“We have treaties and we have an armistice line.  We don’t cross and thank heavens those creatures don’t cross either,” Morten Wetland, Norway’s Permanent Representative to the United Nations said through a translator.

The creatures that Wetland refers to, in addition to Mrs. McCain herself, include The United Tribes of the Three Polar Bear Legions as well as the Worg Enclave and the Sasquatch Nation.

While under McCain’s despotic rule, peace has been achieved among the bears, wolves and sasquatches.  In Wetland’s own words, “Thank the heavens the Ice Witch does not turn her icy glare south. “

Should Senator McCain lose his bid for the presidency, it is feared that Mrs. McCain will mobilize her minions from the ice kingdom to wage a war of revenge against America and her allies.

Stay tuned for updates as they become available.