LONDON – In a stunning move, Queen Elizabeth has given up her crown to… Queen Latifah.

Queen Elizabeth II has grown tired of all the British pomp and pageantry, “the royal bullshit,” as she calls it, and has announced that she will be giving up her crown.  She is the third longest ruling monarch in the 1,200 years of British History. She was crowned Queen of the United Kingdom and Head of the Commonwealth on February 6, 1952.  And now… she’s done.  ‘I’m bloody sick of it all.”

Queen Elizabeth’s son, Prince Charles (62), was the heir apparent, but the Queen didn’t want him to be King.  “He’s a wanker. I don’t want him anywhere near the crown.”

Queen Elizabeth shocked her British subjects when she announced that she has officially adopted Queen Latifah and officially disowned Charles.  Queen Latifah will be flying to London with her long time partner, Jeanette Jenkins, who is  happy to be an official Princess. They recently attended the wedding of Alicia Keys and Swizz Beatz and were vacationing in nearby France.  Prince Charles is now looking for work as a shepherd in Northern Ireland. Prince William and Prince Harry are both ecstatic about the switch.   Prince Harry said, “I’m down with it.  The new queen is as… bad as a mutha.”

Queen Latifah made a deal with Queen Elizabeth to turn the crown over to Prince William when he turns 35 in 2017.  In the meantime, Queen Elizabeth has recently got into hip-hop and rap and wants to “give that a go.”  She feels comfortable rooting for the “Jersey Nets’ and is working on her first hip-hop album with her band, The E Crew, entitled, “Union Jack and Coke.”

Queen Latifah I is planning on having a blow-out bash at Buckingham Palace on September 2nd.  Snoop Dogg, Eminem, Alicia Keys and 50 Cent will all be performing.  She is requesting that David Cameron step down as the Prime Minister and is pushing for Russell Brand to take over. She also replaced the Buckingham Palace Guards with a hip-hop dance squad, called The Queen’s Gs, but they still will change at noon every day.

Queen Latifah’s first speech to her subjects was one word:  Unity.

SAN FRANCISCO -  After a judge overturned California’s same-sex marriage ban, he ordered all gays married “by next year.”

U.S. District Judge Vaughn Walker toppled California’s Proposition 8 yesterday. Gays and lesbians celebrated all across the state. Opponents planned to seek a reversal at the Ninth U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals.

The Californians who had no opinion on the Judge’s decision – remained steadfast in being clueless. One apathetic surfer said, “dude, I don’t care about marriage. I’m just  glad the dude legalized pot.”  For the record, the surfer is incorrect, the Judge did not make any ruling about marijuana. Yet…

But Judge Walker didn’t stop at just overturning Prop 8, he had more to say on the issue.  “I am a strong believer in marriage. It’s good for everyone and good for the country.  Therefore, I am hereby ordering ALL single gay men and  lesbians to be married by this time next year.”

Many gays and lesbians were outraged by Judge Walker’s bizarre proclamation. “Why do I have to get married?” said thirty-year-old Val Trinkley. “I’m in my prime.  I don’t want to settle down yet!” Val’s current partner, Randall Marcus, turned to Val and said, “Well, that’s news to me, honey. I thought you said I was the one?”

Val and Randall were last seen screaming at each other at a bus stop on Castro Street.  Randall was crying – but according to Val, “he’s always crying!”

Many lesbians were happy with the judge’s proclamation. Jillian Yablonsky told WWN, “What a relief. If I know I have to get married, then Susie and I can stop incessantly talking about our relationship and get on with it.”  Others feel that the judge is trying to impose his moral values on them.  “What’s he going to do next?  Order us to have kids?”   Actually, the Judge is considering that idea.

WWN reporters were allowed into Judge Walker’s chambers to discuss his decision. Judge Walker said,  “Look, parents are always pressuring their kids to get married and, well… I want to fill that role for  the gays and lesbians of California.  I say to them… What are you waiting for? Get married?!”

When the judge was told that it wasn’t fair to the many gays and lesbians in their teens and twenties, Judge Walker amended his decision. It now reads:  “all California gay men and lesbians, over the age of 30, must be married by August 4th, 2011… or else you will receive a severe fine and a severe tongue-lashing from me.  What are you waiting for? Get married!”

In related news, several busloads of divorce lawyers were seen heading into California. As one lawyer said, “First comes marriage, then comes divorce, then comes… a big paycheck for me!”

Both sides of the Prop 8 debate agree on one thing:  lawyers always ruin a good love story.

“What are you waiting for?! Get married!”

What kind of mischief did the world’s most famous mutant get into this year?

#5. BAT BOY STEALS NEW WARCRAFT GAME

Bat Boy obtained the new World of Warcraft expansion pack through a combination of thievery and sheer fear.

#4. BAT BOY SCARES MALL SANTA

Bat Boy’s attempts to be a normal child fail again with non-jolly results.

#3. BAT BOY BACKS OBAMA

Bat Boy made his first political endorsement after being swayed by Obama’s half-bat half-brother, Obatma.

#2. BAIL OUT BOY

Henry Paulson turned to Bat Boy to help solve the country’s financial crisis with bat guano.

#1. BAT BOY HATES PROP 8

Bat Boy made his squeaks heard at a Proposition 8 protest.

NEW YORK, NY – Bat Boy was spotted taking part in Proposition 8 protests this past weekend.

All across the country, citizens united in protest of California’s Proposition 8 to strictly define marriage between a man and a woman, as well as other anti-same-sex marriage laws that were passed on November 4.

Bat Boy was seen outside City Hall with “PROP 8″ with an X through it painted across his chest. While Bat Boy was unable to convey his feelings through words, he did send his high-pitched squeaks of dissent echoing across the plaza.

Many mutants turned out for these protests. Mutant rights organizers explained that a number of mutants, such as the Manigator, are born from interspecial relations. Legalizing gay marriage is one step closer to allowing these unconventional unions to be officially recognized.

Manigator was not present at the rallies, as he was too busy getting “tore up” with his sewer alligator cousins.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Popular daytime talk show The Ellen DeGeneres Show was interrupted by infamous mutant, Manigator.

DeGeneres, dancing through the aisles, stopped to bust a move with a young couple, when Manigator emerged in typical fashion holding a lukewarm can of beer.

Initially undeterred by the abrasive mutant, DeGeneres humored Manigator by dancing with him.  Manigator mistook DeGeneres’ good nature for something more meaningful.

“He asked if I wanted to take him back to my trailer and share his beer,” DeGeneres told the audience after Manigator was ejected from the studio, “then he pinched my toosh.”

Things got even more out of hand following the drunken attempt at a pick up.  DeGeneres, dancing the whole time, told Manigator that she is in fact a married lesbian.

Manigator stopped dancing and threw his beer can to the ground.  He turned, bit a nearby audience member and ran through the studio to the nearest exit door screaming, “Prop 8!  Prop 8!”

DeGeneres apologized to her audience for the disruption and gave away free tickets to High School Musical 3 to show her regret for the ignorant outburst.