PHOENIX, AZ – After losing the 2008 presidential election by nearly 200 electoral votes and nearly six percent of the popular vote, Senator John McCain is understandably in very low spirits.

Before the polls even closed on the West Coast and the Big Sky states, PhD Ape was on a plane from New York, where he was counseling Guy Ritchie, to Arizona.

“John McCain will wake up tomorrow with a headache the likes he has never experienced,” PhD Ape told reporters at JFK International Airport in New York before boarding a plane.

“He has months and months worth of regrettable decisions all weighing down on his shoulders.  He will be reviewing all of those decisions, thinking ‘what if?’  It’s a very difficult time in a politicians life.”

PhD Ape has previously counseled failed politicians Barry Goldwater in 1964 and Al Gore in 2000.

“Fortunately the holidays are coming up.  It will be welcome distraction for John, and he has the next 2 months to come to terms with his failures,” PhD Ape told reporters waiting his arrival in Phoenix.

“By the time he returns to the Senate in the new year, John will be a confident, powerful leader in the Senate.   But it will take weeks and weeks of counseling.”

BREAKING NEWS: McCain has proudly accepted the Alien’s endorsement!

ROSWELL, NM – At a political rally in the infamous Roswell area, Senator John McCain acknowledged and accepted the Alien’s endorsement for his presidential run.

The Arizona senator explained, “By the way, I have been here to Roswell before and I know about the alien landing. And I am pleased to announce that I have received the alien endorsement…and I am proud!”

While the Alien has not released an official response, insiders believe he is elated at McCain’s warm acceptance.

But will the Alien’s endorsement be enough to push McCain into victory? Stay tuned!

October 30, 2008
WASHINGTON, DC – In a shocking reversal, the Alien has switched his endorsement from Barack Obama to John McCain.

With major implications for the U.S. presidential election, political kingmaker the Alien has changed his endorsement amid furor. Both political camps are buzzing about the implications, as the Alien has correctly predicted the winning president in every election for the past 28 years.

Ongoing investigation points to Cindy McCain as being the cause for this historic shift in allegiances.

Uncovered photos suggest that in a last ditch effort to help her husband’s failing campaign, Cindy McCain seduced and then blackmailed the Alien for his endorsement.

At a recent McCain rally, inside sources say Cindy McCain disappeared with the Alien after sharing several champagnes with the notorious intergalactic lightweight. Ms. McCain’s alien-like good looks and natural blood temperature of 54 degrees Fahrenheit may have proved too much for him to resist as she reportedly put her cyborg husband into sleep mode and worked her charms.

This is not the first time the Alien, who sources say is no prude, has been in political “hot water.” During the 2004 election he was photographed in a hot tub with Laura Bush and Teresa Heinz Kerry. As the Alien is now married with children the release of these photos could be devastating for him.

What impact this news will have on the election has yet to be determined. Swing state voters, who will decide this election, have the highest rate of alien abductions and UFO sightings and are known to vote in accordance with supernatural forces.

WASHINGTON, DC – On the eve of the most important presidential election in years, the Chaos Cloud has descended upon the nation’s capitol.

Following stops in crucial swing states such as Ohio and Florida, thought to be monitoring the election to prevent the turmoil seen in 2000 and 2004, it is now thought that the Chaos Cloud is going to monitor the final days of the Bush Administration in Washington DC.

President Bill Clinton was widely criticized for 11th hour pardons and judicial appointments made in December 2000 and January 2001 just days before leaving office.  While there have been no negative long-term effects of those decisions, Clinton left office under very different national and international conditions.

Bush will leave the White House with the nation in a recession, the military still embattled in Iraq and with an every deepening national debt.  It is widely feared what Bush might do in the 11th hour of his second term.

DNC Chairman, Howard Dean told reporters, “The presence of the Chaos Cloud, while an ominous portent for the year 2014, provides at least some comfort for the final days of the most harmful and hubris-inspired administration in this nation’s history.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an attempt to boost his chances, McCain offered to fix the economy by selling secret government artifacts on Ebay. Unfortunately, the maverick senator doesn’t quite get computers and sold it all too cheaply.

Despite opposition from numerous government insiders, McCain claimed that “the old ways aren’t going to solve 21st century problems.  Old secrets have to make way for new solutions.”  Supporters applauded the senator’s bold initiative to increase government revenue, resulting in a brief spike in his popularity.

However, McCain entered the information incorrectly and all the items were sold before he could correct the mistake.

Among the items sold were photos from the Roswell alien autopsy for $7.14, a used but still working Venusian warp engine for $153.63, the rifle used by the second gunman in the JFK shooting for $23.78, and J. Edgar Hoover’s first training bra for $3.58.

Most of the items were sold to independent collectors around the country, bringing in a total of $209.32 to help offset the federal deficit.

Randall Summers of Grand Rapids, Michigan, who purchased a rare copy of Ben Franklin’s first erotic novel, said “You better believe I’m framing this sucker!  John McCain, you got my vote!”

How this will play for the Republican candidate in the final days of the election has yet to be seen.

INDIANAPOLIS, IN – The Chaos Cloud has made another appearance in a U.S. state, this time descending upon Indiana.

The Cloud was not witnessed moving from its last target of Toledo, Ohio, either visually or by radar. However, it was spotted by early-risers hovering over Indianapolis, occluding the pre-dawn stars.

Ethan Madd, a city sanitation worker, told Weekly World News, “I have to get up at 4am to make my 5 o’clock shift. I opened up my blinds and I’ll be damned if I didn’t see a big grumpy face coming right out of the sky!”

It is unclear what the Chaos Cloud wants.  Ohio and Indiana are in very close proximity, but some fear it may be a stronger connection than that.

“Ohio’s a swing state, we’re a swing state…” said Mayor Greg Ballard. “Who knows what the Cloud is after, but it should rest assured that we will be following voting protocol exactly!”

Weekly World News will continue to investigate this phenomenon of the Chaos Cloud’s appearances prior to its prophesized 2014 touchdown.

SVALBARD, NORWAY – Cindy McCain will return to her ice kingdom following the November elections should her husband not be victorious.

Longstanding rumors allege Mrs. McCain has difficulties remaining for long periods of time in the hot temperatures of Arizona and Washington DC’s summer seasons.

Mrs. McCain, heiress to an American beer fortune, is also the Queen of Svalbard, the northernmost province of Norway.  Although the archipelago is technically part of Norway, the Norwegian government leaves all authority over the province to Mrs. McCain.

“We have treaties and we have an armistice line.  We don’t cross and thank heavens those creatures don’t cross either,” Morten Wetland, Norway’s Permanent Representative to the United Nations said through a translator.

The creatures that Wetland refers to, in addition to Mrs. McCain herself, include The United Tribes of the Three Polar Bear Legions as well as the Worg Enclave and the Sasquatch Nation.

While under McCain’s despotic rule, peace has been achieved among the bears, wolves and sasquatches.  In Wetland’s own words, “Thank the heavens the Ice Witch does not turn her icy glare south. “

Should Senator McCain lose his bid for the presidency, it is feared that Mrs. McCain will mobilize her minions from the ice kingdom to wage a war of revenge against America and her allies.

Stay tuned for updates as they become available.

AUSTIN, TX – On the campus of the University of Texas yesterday afternoon, Bat Boy registered to vote in the Lone Star State.

This marked the forty-eighth state in which the half-bat, half-boy national icon successfully registered to help the nation decide the next US President.  Weekly World News sources confirmed that he will attempt to register in Virginia and Washington, D.C. before November’s election.

Getting wind of the incredible feat of voter fraud, several watchdog groups have so far filed lawsuits in 37 states.  When confronted with the issue, Federal Election Commission Chairman Donald McGahn said, “Sure it’s a travesty of justice, but, well, it’s Bat Boy.  He’s an American institution.”

Conservatives are speculating that Senator Barack Obama used his ties to the space alien who endorsed him to assist in Bat Boy’s multi-state registration. It is widely believed that Obama’s recent revelation of his mutant half-brother Obatma that swayed Bat Boy’s decision to vote Democratic.