PASS CHRISTIAN, MS – In last night’s debate, both presidential nominees Barack Obama and John McCain repeated a story about a “Joe Plumber”. Weekly World News researchers scoured the nation for this elusive American.  Far from Big Washington, Joseph “Joe” Plummer actually resides in the coastal town of Pass Christian, Mississippi.

“Sure I know who they are,” said a confused Plummer.  “Can’t say yet which one I’ll be voting for.  But no, I’ve never met either of them.  Why do you ask?”

Both Obama’s and McCain’s representatives refused to comment on the apparent inconsistency in the candidates’ debate.

LOS LUNAS, NM – Federal Agents from the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives raided an underground warehouse used to stage alien cock fighting.

The palm-sized alien race, Qwoak, have used earth roosters for generations in vicious fighting tournaments that result in the death of all but the winning rooster and their handler.

Unlike traditional cock fighting, a Qwoak actually rides the rooster into battle, giving its life alongside its steed should the animal fall in battle.

Three dozen roosters were rescued from the fighting ring although it is reported at least 4 will have to be euthanized do to their hostility. Seven Los Lunas men and one woman were arrested for participating in organized gambling and cruelty to animals. Under regulations laid out in treaties with the Qwoak, authorities would not release the number of Qwoak arrested in the raid.

Relations between the United States and the Qwoak may be heading into turbulent territory as this is the second controversy in so many days involving the Qwoak and illegal activities.

Reports of tampering in the Presidential Debate Tuesday night has already drawn unwanted attention to the usually reclusive alien nation.

DALLAS, TX – Republican presidential nominee John McCain announced Monday he will suspend his campaign yet again in order to upgrade his cybernetic systems. Sources say he hopes to appear more passably human before the final debate.

McCain’s need for an upgrade comes as no surprise to many insiders.  During the Oct 7th debate his GPS systems were noticeably damaged, causing him to wander aimlessly for much of the evening.

Last month investigators discovered that John McCain had many of his internal organs replaced with cybernetic systems.  Doctors believe his extensive cybernetic infrastructure is the only thing giving him a one in four chance of survival for the next seven years.

Glitches in the Arizona senator’s operating system became most apparent in Dallas when he answered an economic question by engaging his loafer-jets and repeatedly flying headfirst into a wall.  After a quick reboot the senator apologized and went on to talk about tax cuts.

The McCain campaign hopes an upgrade before the Oct. 15th debates will help the senator, who has been behind in polls for weeks, appear more modern and life-like.  GOP cyborg specialist Dennis Fiorino said “Our candidate will receive the most up-to-date software for dealing with twenty-first century problems.  After his Vista upgrade, he will be the best equipped to lead our nation.”

WASHINGTON, DC – Senator John McCain took a few hours out of his busy campaign schedule to attend the annual basketball game that reunites “The Keating Five.” All four of the surviving five US senators who were implicated in the Savings and Loan Scandal of 1987 attended the match where they defeated the Georgetown University junior varsity team 21 to 16. The game was largely seen as an esteem booster for McCain’s next presidential debate.

A Gatorade-soaked Dennis DeConcini (D – AZ) said, “Now that there’s a bigger financial scandal than ours, maybe we’ll have to discontinue the game.”

Republican Presidential nominee John McCain, who shoots with an underhanded ‘granny’ style shot due to injuries sustained while in a Vietnamese prison camp, scored eight points.

NASHVILLE, TN – Obama for America campaign manager, David Plouffe, has accused Republican Presidential candidate Senator John McCain of using alien technology to acquire the questions of last night’s debate in advance.

Plouffe reports multiple sightings of the palm-sized Qwoak aliens, notorious for their ability to predict the future, throughout the theater.

Allegations that McCain allowed one of the Qwoak to sit on his shoulder throughout the debate have not been confirmed.

This is not the first time the McCain campaign has been accused of utilizing supernatural forces to gain unfair advantages in the campaign.  During the Primary, voters reported hexes and spells being used to prevent supporters of former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney from entering polling places.

Until now, it was thought that the Qwoak as well as other intergalactic visitors were remaining neutral in this year’s election.  Tampering with the debate in favor of McCain could put a damper on relations between the Qwoak and the United States should Senator Obama win the presidency.

Reached for comment, Democratic Chairman Howard Dean said, “The use of any means, domestic or alien, to gain access to the debate questions in advance is a blatant violation of the policies that both campaigns agreed to.  We will push for a full investigation.”

A spokesman for the McCain Campaign did not return a call for comment.  A call to the Qwoak Ambassador to the United States was also not returned.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – John McCain received support from a most unlikely source today.

WIth his popularity slipping in the polls. his running mate pounded by Katie Couric, and internet rumors that a stroke has caused laziness in his left eye, McCain was visited by the apparition of former TLC singer Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes.

Sources from the McCain camp, said the crossover was brief but uplifting.

As McCain descended the rear entrance of The Capitol late last night, Lopes’ apparition hovered alongside McCain and crooned personalized lyrics to her TLC song, “Keep Your Head to the Sky”.

“Keep your head to the sky; lift your life and reach high; wipe your tears and don’t cry; open your left eye; go to the debate tonight, you will make it if you try.”

The cantankerous McCain surprised onlookers by continuing the singalong after the apparition had vanished.