PASS CHRISTIAN, MS – In last night’s debate, both presidential nominees Barack Obama and John McCain repeated a story about a “Joe Plumber”. Weekly World News researchers scoured the nation for this elusive American.

LOS LUNAS, NM – Federal Agents from the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives in cooperation with the FBI raided an underground warehouse used to stage alien cock fighting.

DALLAS, TX – Republican presidential nominee John McCain announced Monday he will suspend his campaign yet again in order to upgrade his cybernetic systems. Sources say he hopes to appear more passably human before the final debate.

WASHINGTON, DC – Senator John McCain took a few hours out of his busy campaign schedule to attend the annual basketball game that reunites “The Keating Five.”

NASHVILLE, TN – Obama for America campaign manager, David Plouffe, has accused Republican Presidential candidate Senator John McCain of using alien technology to acquire the questions of last night’s debate in advance.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – John McCain received support from a most unlikely source today.

WIth his popularity slipping in the polls. his running mate pounded by Katie Couric, and internet rumors that a stroke has caused laziness in his left eye, McCain was visited by the apparition of former TLC singer Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes.