WASHINGTON — BidenBot, the lifelike, cybernetic machine that poses as Vice President Joe Biden during most of his public appearances, has malfunctioned again during a recent press conference.

During a rousing speech on student loan interest, the vice president suddenly appeared frozen with its eyes and mouth open. Reporters and aides looked on as smoke began to emanate from the machine’s ears. The conference was quickly canceled.

The administration rolled out BidenBot in response to several flubs and gaffes for which the vice president was responsible in the past 4 years. Notable occasions include referring to the president as “Barack America” during the 2008 campaign, cursing during the signing of the health care overhaul and advising Americans not to fly during the swine flu outbreak.

“We think the vice president is great,” said one vice presidential aide, “but we just couldn’t risk any more of these kinds of situations — especially in an election year. To let his incredible work in office speak for itself, we decided to create a robotic version of the vice president. No one notices usually, but unfortunately, today was a rare mishap.”

The last notable malfunction that occurred during a key 2011 speech from President Obama on the federal budget. While many thought the vice president had simply fallen asleep, it was later reported that BidenBot had a low battery and was forced to power down to “hibernation mode.”

As far as Biden’s own feelings about having the robot represent him, the vice presidential aide was quick to assure his approval.

“He understood and actually welcomed the idea,” the aide said. “He’s able to get much more done behind the scenes this way. And if President Obama and Vice President Biden are elected into another term, we don’t expect to need BidenBot quite as much in the coming years. Most likely, the robot will be repurposed to smaller appearances like state fairs and town hall meetings.

Older U.S. beer enthusiasts may soon find themselves in handcuffs.

While alcohol laws have traditionally targeted age limits for younger residents, officials are currently looking at a cap of 60 years old for legal alcohol purchases. Lawmakers cite a number of reasons for the proposal, ranging from health concerns to road safety.

“All medical professionals agree that alcohol makes the health of the elderly much worse,” said one Washington insider. “And as most DUI cases involve more grandmothers than 20-somethings, it was kind of a no-brainer. We’re all surprised this hasn’t come up before.”

New studies suggest a clear benefit from putting the cap on the drinking age. Though this first law would mostly affect the purchase of alcohol, states are expected to follow suit in their limits on home consumption. Traditionally, laws have differed state-to-state in regard to late-teens to 20-year-olds having an alcoholic beverage at home with family members. Now, the key to the liquor cabinet will have to be hidden from grandpa.

While many politicians that would be affected by the law have come out with support, Washington outsiders in their 60s and 70s feel otherwise.

“This is an outrage,” said Hoppy Milton, a 73-year-old retired pharmacist from Michigan. “It doesn’t hurt anyone for me to have a whiskey every now and then. This is exactly the kind of freedoms the government will continue to take from us if we don’t stand up to them.”

There is currently no indication when lawmakers will actually take up the drinking age cap. If no moves are made before fall, the issue is expected to take center stage during the 2012 presidential election. The Obama administration has made no official statement concerning alcohol age limits.

According to reports, Republicans are employing 12-year-old “child prodigy” Billy Hogbin for the fall presidential election.
WASHINGTON — Though the GOP’s presidential candidate is yet to be determined, the Republican Party has already lined up one Mississippi-based politico to aid the campaign to defeat President Barack Obama this fall. His name is Billy Hogbin, and he’s 12.

Don’t let his age fool you, though — according to insiders, Hogbin is a child prodigy, a genius when it comes to plotting and taking down political adversaries. After providing a crushing defeat against Missy Likens to take the class president post for his third-grade class, Hogbin rose through the ranks to elect his father Brooks County assessor, manage an uncle’s mayoral campaign and, finally, was a key figure in several Southern governorships. He went on to author three books on campaigning, as well as maintain the popular conservative blog titled “Simply Hogbin.”

According to him, it’s all about image.

“The goal is to make yourself look like a good guy — like a super hero or a firefighter,” Hogbin said. “And the other guy’s a poo-poo head, so make sure you call him a ‘poo-poo head.’”

Many of the prominent GOP elite praise Hogbin’s innovation.

“His brilliance is unmatched,” said one proponent, who asked to not be named. “I’ve never seen anyone with the kind of election savvy this kid’s got. Remember ‘No-bama’ or ‘We speak English, learn it’? Those were Hogbin. Just brilliant. Just the kind of fresh eyes the party needs.”

Though voters have yet to see who Hogbin will be helping to attain a victory this fall, plans against Obama have already leaked, including “Democrats? More like DUMB-ocrats” and “Obama? LOL.”

EXCLUSIVE – Sarah Palin told WWN’s Frank Lake that she is running for President in 2012!

Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, is starting her national bus tour on Sunday.  Embedded on her bus is WWN’s Frank Lake.  Palin shocked major media outlets when, in a private interview with Frank, she said she is “absolutely running for President of the United States in 2012.”

“And I’m going to kick Barack Obama’s butt!” Palin said.

The bus tour, officially launches her Presidential bid.  It starts on Sunday in Washington at the annual Rolling Thunder motorcycle rally and will work its way north along the East Coast.  The Presidential candidate will visit other parts of the country later, stopping at symbolically important sites in the nation’s history.

Palin advisers told Frank Lake that she will stop in Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina – on the bus tour.

 The bus tour will include a stop in New Hampshire.  Tim Crawford, Palin’s campaign manager declined to give more details.  He would only say, “She wants to get people fired up about her running for President.”

Palin told Frank Lake that she wants to win in November.  Lake told her that the election isn’t until 2012.  “Oh, well, I will win then, too.  I will win every year.  This is America. You can do anything!” Palin said.

On her web site, Palin wrote: “I’ve said many times that America doesn’t need a ‘fundamental transformation,’ instead we need a restoration of all that is good and strong and free in America!  So, I am running for President of the United States in 2012.”

Chris Christie, Mike Huckabee, Mitch Daniels and Donald Trump immediately threw their support behind Sarah Palin.

“She’s going to make a great president,” said Trump.  “And she’s hot.  That can’t hurt.  You know, hot is good. I’d hire her on that alone.”

WASHINGTON –  Jon Stewart announced this morning that he will run for president in 2012.

In an exclusive interview with WWN, Jon Stewart announced his candidacy for president in 2012.  He said he was inspired by the overwhelming turnout during the Rally to Restore Sanity. Over 10 million people flocked to the National Mall to hear Stewart speak over the weekend.

“I’m like a leader to anti-conflictinators,” said Stewart, “and if I can get all of them to vote for me on Election Day, I’d win the race in a landslide. White house here I come!”

Stewart’s bid for presidency came at a crucial time for Democrats, whose political power is expected to sustain a formidable blow after midterm elections. Republicans are projected to gain nearly 230 seats in the House of Representatives and reclaim control of the chamber.

“Jon Stewart might be the Democrat’s only hope for restoring political power,” said Mike Hamilton, a political analyst for CNN. “They already lost the Senate, Obama is on his way out, and before long they won’t have a single stake in American politics. There would be nobody left to represent America’s rich media executives, hair-brained activists, and ignorant, self-entitled hipsters.”

In a statement released Sunday night, Stewart announced that he would be running under the “Pee Party Movement.” The name is a satirical jab at the Tea Party Movement that has taken American politics by storm.

“The Pee Party Movement is for the people and from the people,” said Stewart. “We’re not lukewarm on any issues. We’ll fight for what we believe, and that’s a free, liberal nation where people are allowed to make fun of each other as they so please!”

Statistics from early voter polls predict that over 95% of Democratic voters would support Stewart if he ran for president in 2012.

“He’s, like, the funniest guy on TV,” said Skeeter Douglas, a graduate student at UCLA and part-time hemp farmer. “My buddies and I watch the Daily Show every night, and we’re always like, ‘Dude! That guy would make the most tubular president ever! He should totally run!’”

Though Jon Stewart has not officially designated a running mate, authorities speculate that Stephen Colbert of the Colbert Report will likely join Stewart in the race for the White House.

“It’s a sad day for the Democratic Party when a comedian is our best bet of reclaiming the Oval Office,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “I guess it makes sense though. If you look at every Democrat in the last two years, you’d think we’re all a bunch of jokes.”

Here is Stewart’s first campaign speech.

HAITI – Wyclef is running for the presidency of Haiti, but one actor is skeptical of that decision!

Sean Penn has been incredibly involved and active in the Haiti earthquake relief efforts. He co-founded the J/P HRO organization whose mission is to save lives and bring relief to the Haitian people quickly and effectively. Wyclef Jean is a native of Haiti who recently decided he wanted to run for the presidency of the country. Penn is skeptical – to say the least – of that decision.

“This is somebody who’s going to receive an enormous amount of support from the United States, and I have to say I’m very suspicious of it. Simply because he, as an ambassador at large, has been virtually silent. For those of us in Haiti, he has been a non-presence,” Penn said.

Wyclef, 37, was born in Haiti but grew up in Brooklyn and New Jersey. The rapper established the Yele Haiti foundation in 2004, providing aid and opportunities to the country’s citizens.

Penn made it a fact to highlight Wyclef’s mishandling of $400,000 donated for the country though the Yele Haiti foundation. “He claims he didn’t do it. That has to be looked into it,” Penn added. “I’ve been there. I know what $400,000 could do for these people.”

Wyclef responded to Penn’s concerns in an interview with the Associated Press: “I just want Sean Penn to fully understand I am a Haitian, born in Haiti and I’ve been coming to my country ever since (I was) a child. He might just want to pick up the phone and meet, so he fully understands the man.”

Penn put the icing on the cake by saying:

“I haven’t seen or heard anything of Wyclef Jean in these last six months that I’ve been in Haiti. I think he’s an important voice. I hope he doesn’t sacrifice that voice by taking the eye off the very devastating realities on the ground,” Penn said. “I want to see someone who’s really, really willing to sacrifice for their country, and not just someone who I personally saw with vulgar entourage of vehicles that demonstrated a wealth in Haiti that, in context, I felt was a very obscene demonstration.”

I’m madder than a spitting camel at our new Communist-in-Chief!

First he goes to England, gives the Queen records of his own speeches, and lets his wife hug the old broad! (Like I said last week: at least Michelle didn’t try to give the Queen the fist bump!)

But then it got worse. The Teleprompter Kid met some A-rab king and bowed down to the guy! He didn’t bow to the Queen, did he? OK, the Queen doesn’t have billions of gallons of oil on her land, unless you count the vats of grease they cook their food in. But Sarah Palin has billions of dollars of oil on HER land and Obama would rather eat raw moose meat than bow to Sarah!

The A-rabs should be bowing to US! They use our army because they don’t have their own since the Israelis wrecked their old one. The A-rabs are good at chopping each other’s heads off for stealing a falafel, but they couldn’t win a fight with Jerry Seinfeld?

All A-rabs do all day is put on their weird Snuggie outfits and go shopping for diamonds and Cadillacs. The only smart thing about A-rabs is they don’t let their women drive, and if you’ve ever been in a Wal-Mart parking lot, you know that’s a good idea!

That’s who Obama bowed down to? If you can’t be bothered bowing down to the offspring of a bunch of homely, hemophiliac Krauts, why curtsy to the grandson of some illiterate desert bandit wearing a tea towel?

That’s what were getting for the next four years, my fellow Americans!
When the spacemen land in DC, expect Obama to kiss their little green feet!

WASHINGTON, DC – The government has been forced to pull back on defense spending.  Secretary of Defense Robert Gates is pulling funding on F22 and Area 51, which is expected to close within the month.  At a press conference on Monday Robert Gates announced his new plan to shift resources from costly weapons systems to the ground campaigns in Iraq and Afghanistan

Area 51 is a top secret government installation in southern Nevada.  It first gained recognition as a secret government testing site in the 1950’s.  Since then it is believed to be where the government tests new and alien technologies.  Most of the new and alien technology Secretary Gates is cutting is expected to be in Area 51.

According to moles within the Pentagon and several anonymous sources reporters met while drinking in the area, weapons being developed by the government may include:

Aging Ray –   Special frequency microwave emitters which dissolve collagen in
the skin causing victims to instantly appear much older.

LactoPack –   A wearable cheese powered propulsion system.  Small, collapsible, but it only ran on expensive imported cheeses.

Gill Men –      Special volunteers from within the US Navy’s seal teams had gills and fins surgically attached to their bodies to aid in tactical maneuverability.  Unfortunately after the 15 million dollar process they would forget their assignments and play with inflatable balls.

H4 Prime –     Derived from alien technology this was a Hummer 4 series that could turn into a large anthropomorphic robot.  Once it was made self-aware however the robot proved to be self absorbed and irresponsible and cost far more than it was worth.  Efforts have been made to sell the H4 Prime to the Japanese, but currently it refuses to leave its room.

Secretary of Defense Gates insists that programs like these are an unnecessary drain on the military budget, and is pulling the plug on all similar research.

Area 51, we here at the Weekly World News wish you a fond farewell.  Thanks for the memories.

That Obama really smashes my atoms!

The Communist-in-Chief just said he wants to ban all nuclear bombs. When he says such stupid, corny stuff, he sounds more like Miss America than the President. Except beauty queens don’t need Teleprompters! (And I’d like to see Obama twirl a baton while we’re at it!)

Nukes are what made America great! First off, they helped us win World War II. We had to nuke the Japs twice to get ‘em to smarten up, but it worked! All they did later was make a bunch of crappy Godzilla movies about giant radiation monsters. The Japs seem just as crazy now than they did before we bombed them, but at least they leave us alone!

Then we used nukes to scare the Russians into leaving us alone. Turns out they were just a bunch of drunks who couldn’t find the nuke button anyway. Losers!

If we outlaw nukes, then only outlaws will have them. Those sneaky Iranians and Koreans won’t give theirs up. I know those Koreans first hand – I fought them on Pork Chop Hill and you can’t trust them as far as you can throw a grenade. They’re jealous because Japan and China are like their cooler older brothers who got all the fancy outfits and takeout food that dumb Westerners like so much. Come on: it’s not like anybody’s gonna buy a snow globe full of barbequed beef.

Nukes create jobs for American scientists and factory workers and spies, not to mention all those anti-war hippies who need something to protest!

Mark my words: if Teleprompter Kid gets his way, he’ll turn West Point into a “Full Monty” touring company!

CHICAGO, IL – Shocking both the hip-hop and the political worlds, Kanye West and John McCain announced that they have developed a joint clothing line.

The gear, called McKainye, will be a blend of conservative styles typically associated with politicians, the free-spirited styles typically associated with hip-hop artists, and the narcissistic feel that’s unique to Kanye West.  “McKainye – Reaching Way Across the Aisle,” is both the tag line for the apparel and the title to the duet the pair recorded to promote their new venture.

Making the merger even more bizarre, West has been vocal against the current Republican administrations.  The rapper/philanthropist made headlines in 2005 during a benefit show for victims of Hurricane Katrina by going off script and saying “George Bush doesn’t care about black people.”

“McCain’s good people,” said West.  “He’s no Bush.  This is the right thing for the country right now.”

McCain couldn’t be contacted for a comment, as he’s still very busy with his bid to become the next president of the United States.  There is no support to the charge that McCain has been throwing the election in order to promote the apparel and eventually record a solo album.

McKainye will hit the stores in mid-November of this year.