WASHINGTON. BREAKING NEWS ***  President Barack Obama has resigned the Presidency of the United States!

President Barack Obama has shocked the nation! He called the White House Staff into the Oval Office and announced that he is going to resign as President of the United States.

The President has notified the broadcast networks that he wants to address the nation Wednesday (April 17th) night at 8pm.  With the faltering economy, the potential overturning of Obamacare, his low approval level and after spending the week on the campaign trail  (and in Colombia) – with dwindling donors –  he has decided to call it quits.

President Obama faces numerous challenges at home and abroad.  The economy is getting worse and everything he does seems to make it worse.  Many in the White House feel that the President has fallen into a deep depression.  There are rumors that he started taking Prozac last week.

He also does not feel that he has the experience on foreign policy to handle the ongoing conflicts in Iraq, Afghanistan as well as the new  military action in Libya in addition to the turmoil in the Middle East.

But the President will seek to immediately calm Americans.

“I know that Joe Biden will be more than capable of stepping into the Presidency.  He already is putting together his new cabinet,”  President Obama told his staff.

White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, would not comment, but said that the President will be “perfectly clear about his resignation tonight.”

Joe Biden was unavailable, but WWN talked to members of Biden’s staff, who say Biden is confident that he can handle all the challenges facing the country.  “Joe is an expert on foreign policy.  He knows he can deal effectively and swiftly with all military conflicts around the world.”

Rumors are that Biden may appoint Hillary Clinton as his Vice President.  Further rumors have Joe Biden resigning in August, which would make Hillary President and put her in position to easily win re-election in November of 2012.

Events are progressing rapidly.  Check back with WWN, for an update!

Here’s our new President and VP!

President Obama and other leaders are wearing hoodies in a statement against discrimination and profiling.

The Trayvon Martin case has captured the nation and many political leaders and celebrities are wearing hoodies as a way to bring attention to this tragic event – and to stop racial profiling.

Rep. Bobby Rush, D-Ill., spoke on the House floor, putting on a hoodie and sunglasses in honor of Trayvon Martin, the Florida teen shot last month.

“May God bless Trayvon Martin’s soul, his family and — [inaudible]” Rush said, just before he was removed from the House floor this morning for wearing a hoodie.  Later, he was reportedly let back.

Rush was wearing a grey hoodie under his suit jacket. He took off his jacket, pulled the hood over his head and put on sunglasses while saying “racial profiling has to stop, Mr. Speaker.  Just because someone wears a hoodie does not make them a hoodlum,” he said.

Nancy Pelosi agreed:

Geraldo Rivera, who initially blamed the hoodie for the tragic event, apologized and then went on air wearing a hoodie:

Sports figures joined in.

The Miami Heat donned hoodies in support of Trayvon:

Mohammed Ali also spoke to reporters with a hoodie:

Bill Belichick has always supported the hoodie:

And even Mitt Romney is wearing a hoodie:

WASHINGTON -  A hot mic picked up a private conversation between Barack Obama and Medvedev and now rumors are spreading across the internet that President Obama is KGB.

President Obama was caught on an unseen mic plotting with the leader of one of our oldest adversaries and it seemed like a scene out of a James Bond movie.  “After my election, I have more flexibility,” President Obama said as he tapped Russian President Dimitry Medvedev three times on the left knee (a typical KGB move). “I understand.  I transmit information to Vladimir,” Medvedev said to Obama.as he tapped Obama’s right knee in response.

They both leaned back and smiled at reporters – and reportedly they each put their right pinky finger to the corner of their mouths.

Apparently, they forgot to step into the cone of silence.

Not since the tapes of Richard Nixon has a U.S. president been caught uttering such sinister words in an unguarded moment.   Many Republicans considered the  off-mic comments of Obama treason.   Those Republicans have disappeared.

Obama has been very close to newly elected (anointed) President Putin for years:

Sources say that Obama’s cold, calculating message reveals that he will work with the Russians even if it goes against the will of the American people.  Some insiders say Obama’s KGB nickname is “Nyet”.

The President is reportedly a real expert with binoculars.  He’ll see you coming:

Or going:

President Obama left for India after leaving North Korea.  Sources say Obama jumped out of Air Force one with a parachute and landed in a speed boat that was driven by – Vladimir Putin.  Where were they going?  Nobody is sure.  But, it’s safe to say, they were up to no good.

Is President Obama working for the Russians?  Are the Russians working with the Chinese?  Are the Chinese talking to the Brazilians?  And where is Miss Moneypenny when you need her?

I’m madder than a penguin on Miami Beach over all the mealy-mouthed politicians whining about the economy and not doing anything about it.

Let’s face it, folks.  We are in the Second Great Depression. And guess who got us hardworking, penny-saving, honest Joes into this mess?  The same cigar-chomping fat cats in Washington who are running around like chicken with their heads cut off blaming everyone but themselves.

They’re all back-stabbing morons.

Who let Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac collapse the housing market?  Who let bloodsuckers on Wall Street steal us blind without even one of them going to jail?   And why are we still in such horrible shape after four years of this?  I’ll tell you why.  It’s  because we have a bunch of no-good,  greedy politicians who keep flying private jets, voting themselves big  raises every other month so they can live high on the hog in Washington while the rest of the country suffers – that’s who!

If anybody can squeeze blood out of a turnip, it’s our boozing, big-spending congressmen and senators who eat caviar while us little guys struggle to feed our families and pay for gas in our cars.  And our President?  Don’t me started on that Marxist America-hater!

Yours truly is mad as and hell and I’m not going to take it anymore.  My great-uncle J.B. Potter, who struggled through the first Great Depression in the 1930s, has a great idea to help America get back on its feet again. Here it is:  Publicly horsewhip every politician in Washington, shoot every  lawyer in the country and make it a capital crime to buy ANYTHING that isn’t made in America.

In other words, traitors who buy anything from China should fry in the chair, by Jiminy! Hey, I know these are pretty tough measure, but if we’re going to pull ourselves up by the bootstraps, we’re going to have to kick some butt.

And I figure China’s a good place to start. I never bought anything those noodle-eaters have shipped over here to America, anyway. But a lot of good-hearted, patriotic Americans have been hoodwinked for years into paying good money for the junk these rice ball racketeers peddle.   Well, it’s high time Americans stop making those Mao lovers rich and only buy stuff made in the good old U.S. of A!

And if I were President Obama, I’d go one step further. I’d make the Chinese buy only American too, for five years, just to make up for robbing us blind – or we’ll bomb ‘em back to the Stone Age where they came from.

Now get out there and… Buy American!

George Clooney was led away in handcuffs after storming the Sudanese Embassy protesting the actions of the country’s president Omar Al-Bashir.  

Clooney made the rounds in Washington this week, hoping his superstar wattage will help shine a light on the situation in Sudan. The actor testified before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee and held private meetings with the Secretary of State and President Obama about the African nation’s dire humanitarian situation and the Obama administration’s policy. He led a protest today outside of Sudan’s embassy calling on Omar Al-Bashir, an alleged war-criminal, to stop the violence and allow humanitarian aid into the country.

Also among those arrested were Clooney’s Father Nick Clooney, President of United to End Genocide and former Congressman Tom Andrews, Congressmen Jim McGovern, D-MA, Al Green, D-TX), Jim Moran, D-VA., and John Olver D-MA, Martin Luther King III, NAACP President Ben Jealous, and Enough Project Co-Founder John Prendergast, according to a police statement.

The Hollywood actor has been working with the John Prendergast from the advocacy group the Enough Project for years. He co-founded the Sudan Sentinel Project, which tracks human rights abuses on the border of Sudan and South Sudan using satellite cameras. Clooney’s said in the past that he wants to draw attention to the atrocities Al-Bashir’s allegedly irected against his own people for decades, to “make him famous.”

Some aren’t so sure the arrest had anything to do with Sudan.  Rumors are that Clooney said something to Michelle Obama at the State Dinner for David Cameron.

Michelle moved her seat to be next to Clooney and, apparently, the President wasn’t too happy about it.  And then… Clooney said something to Michelle – and it wasn’t about the fact that he was shorter than her.

Clooney’s not the only celebrity to get involved with human rights causes. Angelina Jolie may be one of the most well-known movie star philanthropists. She’s a good will ambassador for the United Nations Refugee Committee, and has spoken out and given money to numerous causes. She attended the reading of the first verdict from the International Criminal Court this week, finding Congolese warlord Thomas Lubanga guilty of using child soldiers. Jolie had been part of the process to bring Lubanga to justice. She visited the court three times during the trial and funded the Lubanga Chronicles, a program that used written articles, radio and the web to inform the Congolese public and the international community about the case.

“Perhaps [this] verdict of guilty provides some measure of comfort for the victims of Mr Lubanga’s actions,” Jolie said in a statement. “Most of all it sends a strong message against the use of child soldiers.”

There are rumors that Bat Boy was also at the protest and was arrested as well, but WWN can not confirm that at this time.

Dana Hughes

ABC 

MOSCOW – Newly elected Russian President, Vladimir Putin has reportedly donated 1 billion to a mysterious Obama SuperPac.

There are rumors all across the internet – in the U.S. and Russia – that Vladimir Putin has decided to “donate” a large sum of money – reportedly close to 1 billion – to the same Obama SuperPac that Bill Maher has donated to.  Bill Maher reportedly was instrumental in brokering the deal.

“I did it for the women of the world,” Putin reportedly said.

Isn’t it illegal for a non-American to donate to a SuperPac?  And isn’t illegal for a foreign government to donate to a U.S. Presidential election?  WWN contacted sources inside the Justice Department and they said “the rules are changing all the time here and we are trying to decide what is and what is not illegal.

What about the U.S. Constitution?  ”That’s just so outdated, it doesn’t even mention SuperPacs,” the Justice Department insider said.

Senator John McCain blew a gasket when he heard about Putin’s donation.  Reports are that Senator McCain had to taken away in a strait jacket.  ”He kept yelling ‘Citizens United’, Citizens United’!” said a source in Congress.  There were some Occupy Protesters who heard McCain and yelled back at him “Right on, John!  Right on, John!”

Why would Putin donate to Obama?  Does he like him what much?

Sources close to Putin say that the Russian President feels that he can control President Obama, “easily”, and that he’d have a much tougher time with any of the Republican candidates, except Ron Paul.  ”Putin feels that if Obama is re-elected than Putin can become the defacto leader of the world.  And his dream will come true.”

Russians were quick to comment:

“It is about time that Russia take over the world, once and for all.  We should buy all of America right now.  It is cheap.  Not worth much any more,” said Ivan Krosnev, a member of the Russian government.

Mitt Romney said that he plans to meet with Putin and try to persuade him to rethink his contribution.

In the meantime, Senator McCain keeps screaming…

“Citizens United!”

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama said The U.S. Constitution is out-of-date, so he is ripping it up and writing a new one.

President Barack Obama told reporters last night that the U.S. Constitution has become a hindrance to progress in America.  “The document is so out-dated, that it is now becoming a hindrance to governing the country.”

Obama said that he has signed an Executive Order voiding the U.S. Constitution.  “We need to move forward.  We need change.”

Obama said he has already drafted a new constitution and that Americans “will love what I came up with.”   Insiders say that Obama is keeping a lot of old elements from the original constitution “he’s just making it better, bringing it into the 21st century,” said White House Spokesman, Jay Carney.

Many Democrats said that President Obama was a constitutional scholar and probably the only President – since the Founding Fathers – who is qualified to change the Constitution.

“President Obama knows more about the Constitution than  any man who has ever lived,” said Minority Leader, Nancy Pelosi.  “It’s about time we changed that document and we are lucky to have President Obama to do it.”

Republicans, of course, were outraged that Obama would even consider changing the constitution, and they vowed to fight.   “We will fight this to the bitter end,” said Speaker of the House, John Boehner, “there’s no way we are going to let the Constitution of the United States be altered even a little bit.   If there are changes to be made to the Constitution it should be done the appropriate way – through amendments and we think Paul Ryan and Eric Cantor are the ones to make any changes.”

Insiders say the new Constitution will look a lot like the constitutions of Kenya, France and Soviet Russia.

There are many, many changes in the New U.S. Constitution, but here are a few of the highlights.

1) SUPREME COURT – Will now have 11 members, which reflects the growing U.S. population. President Obama will appoint two new members immediately.  The President can name a new justice without needing the approval of Congress.

2) EXECUTIVE FINANCIAL POWER – The President will have the power to unilaterally enact any financial policy he chooses, without approval of Congress.  He must inform them, but they will not “stop” him (or her) from promoting their agenda.

3) LOBBYISTS – They will now be outlawed. There will be no more lobbyists in Washington.  However, there are some exemptions outlined in the New Constitution” :  Trial Lawyers, National Education Association and unions.  They will all be able to lobby.

4) REPRESENTATION – California, New York and Illinois will double the number of representatives in Congress – permanently.  “The President feels that the smartest people in the country live in these states, so they should be over-represented,” said Jay Carney.

5) GUNS & RELIGION – Both will be banned in the United States.

Did President Obama fake his birth certificate?  There are facts about his birth certificate circulating on the internet that may prove it was.

Here are just some of the facts swirling around the internet that raise doubts about the authenticity of the Obama’s birth certificate:

1. Back in 1961 people of color were called ‘Negroes.’ So how can the Obama ‘birth certificate’ state he is ‘African-American’  when the term wasn’t even used at that time?

2. The birth certificate that the White House released lists Obama’s birth as August 4, 1961. It also lists Barack Hussein Obama as his father. No big deal, right? At the time of Obama’s birth, it also shows that his father is aged 25 years old, and that Obama’s father was born in ” Kenya , East Africa “.

This wouldn’t seem like anything of concern, except the fact that Kenya did not even exist until 1963, two whole years after Obama’s birth, and 27 years after his father’s birth. How could Obama’s father have been born in a country that did not yet exist? Up and until Kenya was formed in 1963,  it was known as the ” British East Africa Protectorate.”

3. On the birth certificate released by the White House, the listed place of birth is “Kapi’olani Maternity & Gynecological Hospital “.
This cannot be, because the hospital(s) in question in 1961 were called “KauiKeolani Children’s Hospital” and “Kapi’olani Maternity Home”, respectively. The name did not change to Kapi’olani Maternity & Gynecological Hospital until 1978, when these two hospitals merged. How can this particular name of the hospital be on a birth certificate dated 1961 if this name had not yet been applied to it until 1978?

Resources:

http://www.kapiolani.org/women-and-children/about-us/default.aspx
Post-colonial history (from Wikipedia)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_Kenya
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenya

WASHINGTON – There are Beltway rumors that President Obama is losing his hearing from a rare auditory disease.

Sources close to interns at the White House say that President Obama is virtually deaf but is taking action to correct his hearing loss.  It was evident in Obama’s address last night to Iowa caucuses, as the President kept apparently had trouble hearing Iowa citizens, but he blamed it on “technical” problems.

The President said he noticed the hearing problem last year during the debt ceiling debate.  “People were talking to the President, but he couldn’t understand a word they were saying,” said a source close to the White House.

It is President Obama’s right ear that is the problem, though the higher frequencies in his left ear are not as clear either.   There are some reports that say he may go totally deaf in his right ear, and may have only partial hearing in his left ear.

While the President was in Hawaii on his vacation, a top otolaryngologist from Los Angeles flew to Oahu to examine the President.

“I can occasionally talk to people in person one on one if their voice frequency happens to fit the range that I can still hear, but I cannot hear exactly what they are saying, especially if they are Republicans, who rarely make sense anyway,” Obama reportedly told his old high school basketball coach. “I cannot hear cable television. I cannot hear protests.  I am, for all practical purposes, deaf – and it’s happened in six months.”

WWN spoke to the otolaryngologist and he feels strongly that Obama’s hearing loss can be corrected. “We see this sometimes.  People temporarily go deaf.  We think that in about nine or ten months, his hearing will fully return to normal.”

Insiders say the President will go about his normal duties.  “I bet itwon’t affect his golf game at all,” said a Republican congressman.

WASHINGTON – President Obama announced yesterday that he is canceling the 2012 elections, due to the jobs crisis.

In a speech delivered in Raleigh, North Carolina, President Obama made clear that there will be no new significant government measures to address the most severe jobs crisis since the Great Depression of the 1930s.

But he startled the crowd when he revealed his “one transformative idea”.  He told the crowd that he had a brilliant idea for reducing spending and for helping put Americans back to work.  He announced that he signed an Executive Order canceling this year’s midterm elections, scheduled for November 6th, 2012.

President Obama said in his speech that spending a millions of dollars on election campaigns is something that “Americans can’t afford. We need to put that money back into the economy.”  President Obama issued the Executive Order, effective immediately.  The President put a halt to all preparations being done for the November elections – on a local, state and federal levels.

“You don’t change horses in the middle of a raging stream,” said White House interim Chief of Staff Pete Rouse.  “The President feels that we need to keep the lawmakers we have in place, until his agenda is fully passed or the economy is turned around, whichever comes first.  If the elections were to go forward, the President is afraid that a new Congress will become gridlocked and he won’t be able to ram his agenda through.”

In his speech, Obama also trumpeted a plan for investment in infrastructure and transportation as a significant jobs program.  He said he would pay for the new  investment in transportation by taking all the money that the government would have spent on the midterm elections and putting that into union construction jobs.

“What’s the big deal?” said Bill Daley, Senior Advisor to the President. “There’s going to be elections in two years.  People can’t wait? We waste too much money on elections.”  Asked if the President would cancel the 2014 elections as well, Axelrod said, “That depends if the President can get the 22nd amendment repealed in the next two years.  If he can, then sure, he’ll let the elections go forward. Why not?”

Republicans were quick to denounce the Executive Order.  “He’s not a dictator, he can’t just cancel elections. This is an outrage,” said Senator John McCain.  But John McCain was seen laughing as he left the White House last night.  Some said Obama hugged a smiling McCain, then patted him on the butt.

Senator McCain’s campaign manager, Mark Buse, told WWN off the record (sorry Mark) that “Yeah, John’s happy that he gets to remain a Senator and he did make a back-room deal with Obama, but what am I going to do now?  I’m out of work.”    Lindsey Graham told Buse that he could “get a job on one of the new road projects Obama is setting up.  It’ll be good for you to work with your hands.”

So don’t worry about “rocking the vote” or “getting out the vote” or even just “voting” this November, 2012.   It’s canceled.  Come back in two years…