WASHINGTON D.C. – President Obama has launched a new plan to keep kids in school. Puts the pressure of under-performing schools to get their act together!

President Obama shifted his focus to the nation’s school dropout epidemic on Monday. He proposed a $900 million school grant to states and education districts that agree to drastically change their worst performing schools.

“Over 1 millions students don’t finish high school each year,” Obama said during an education event at the U.S. Chamber of Commerce. He went on to add that there may have been a time when kids could leave school and still get a good enough blue collar job to pay the bills, but: “That’s just not the case anymore.”

The $900 million in grants will target states with graduation rates of less than 60 percent. If schools fail to increase those rates they will face the prospect of new principals, new managements, or even outright closure.

“There’s got to be a sense of accountability,” the president added during the event. America’s Promise Alliance sponsored the event which was founded by former Secretary of State Colin Powell.

WASHINGTON, DC – President Obama held a bipartisan Health Care Summit yesterday.  To keep opposing factions together he summoned the snow gods to bring a blizzard!

Yesterday’s Health Care Summit lasted for over six hours and broke records as being the most work legislators have done in months.  News crews and hundreds of television cameras forced politicians to talk about health care reform while in a room together.  Some claim the highly televised event was an act of “political theater” intended to put on a show.  However insiders believe the presence of cameras kept the politicians on task, discouraging the fist fights and beer pong matches that are so often a part of the political process.  To help push the health care bill forward, President Obama even summoned the elder snow gods to bring a blizzard and keep law makers trapped in a room together.

President Obama has summoned the elder gods of the North, to bring a blizzard which is currently pounding the eastern seaboard.  Earlier this week he met with his Secretary of Paranormal Activity to determine an appropriate ritual.  He and Secretary Mabius decided on a ritual to summon the elder winter gods of the North to help keep politicians talking yesterday.  Great lengths were required to keep opposing factions in a room together for six hours.  Lawmakers from both parties, predominantly elderly white men, were sufficiently scared to go outside once the snow began for fear they might fall and break a hip then have to rely on the health care system they refused to fix for political reasons.

White House spokespeople confirm that no animals were harmed in the ritual itself.  The skin of a polar bear, which died of natural causes, was worn by the President in the White House Rose Garden.  There he made a deal with the elder gods, and in exchange for snow he gave them tax exempt status as a state recognized religious institution.  Schools and businesses throughout the Northeastern United States are closed today due to the President’s incantation.

I finally figured out the whole point of that long stupid meeting the Teleprompter Kid had about health care!

It was nothing to do with getting them all to agree on how to turn hospitals into DMVs.

Nope, their plan was to bore half the country to death and give the other half heart attacks, so we’d all be dead anyhow and wouldn’t need doctors!

Boy, that Communist in Chief sure is touchy. A few times, I’m pretty sure I saw the computer parts in his head blowing a fuse!

The CIA must be kicking themselves for not buying better parts to build their Obama robot – where did they get them from? Toyota?

Yeah, I told you for years those Japs would get their revenge on us for nuking them, and it is finally happening. Those clever Japs have been putting crappy parts in those dinky cars they send us, so we’ll all die and they can take over America!

Toyota is working with Obama to kill us all! It’s all over the TV, people! How much more proof do you want?

Only your old pal Ed Anger has the guts to tell you what’s really happening to our once great nation!

I’ve been waiting for the government to come for me for fifty damn years, but I guess they don’t have the guts! I’ve got it all worked out: when the black helicopters land on my front yard, I just have to roll my oxygen tank down the driveway, then shoot it up with my handy double barrelled Mossberg!

Ka-boom!!

Old Ed doesn’t need any fancy private planes to get back at the Feds. No sir: give me a good old American shotgun – and let the bastards come to me!

WASHINGTON D.C. – Stephen Baldwin’s acting career hasn’t exactly been A-list material. That’s not stopping him from making noise in other areas!

Stephen Baldwin has become successful as of late as a reality TV staple and a conservative radio host. At yesterday’s annual Conservative Political Action Conference, Baldwin offered some tough love to President Obama.

“I am not happy about the way things are,” Baldwin told ABC’s Jonathan Karl. “I pray for President Obama every single day. But tell you what. Homey made his bed, now he’s gotta lay in it.”

Karl, a little thrown off by the use of ‘homey,” wanted to be completely clear of who he was referring to. “Homey being President Obama?” he asked to which Baldwin quickly responded, “That’s correct. That’s correct.”

The term “homey” is usually an abbreviated form of the word “homeboy,” which denotes a fellow gang member or a male from one’s neighborhood.

Stephen Baldwin is the youngest of the four Baldwin brothers and is an outspoken Christian and conservative Republican.

WASHINGTON D.C. – President Barack Obama made an announcement Tuesday that if Republicans continue to block all legislation, he will seek punitive action.

According to the Constitution, he is allowed to beat Senators with a stale baguette. Barack Obama made a surprising announcement Tuesday in front of the White House press corps.  Republicans have vowed to block all Democrat legislation, with filibusters or whatever means available.  In order to get his appointees through in a timely fashion, the President has threatened to use recess appointments and various forgotten bylaws in the Constitution.

“The time for partisan bickering is over.”  The President said yesterday.  “Our country needs action, not political posturing.  If the Republican politicians are too busy following their ideology to actually find solutions, then they need to step aside.  And if they won’t do so voluntarily, we will make them step aside.”

The President is enacting little known laws that will allow him extra powers to push forward legislation.  Stipulated within the Constitution are bylaws put in place if a group of politicians are blocking nationally necessary legislation for political reasons.  The Health Care and economic crises are outstanding enough to enact these emergency powers.

Originally the President was alloted these powers by the founding fathers.  Politicians who were still loyal to the crown made it their duty to block any and all legislation that came through teh house or senate.  President George Washington took in upon himself to make an example of the men and beat them thoroughly with a stale baguette in front of Congress.  Once the message was clear, new provisions were made giving the President permission to do such things in special circumstances.  “Those who would put their political interests before those of the country,” said Washington “can hardly deign to call themselves men.”  These powers have expanded and changed over the years.  Andrew Jackson once brought a horsewhip into the Senate.  When conservatives threatened to filibuster the much needed New Deal legislation, Franklin Roosevelt had the men bent over and spanked with a large paddle until they rescinded the threat.  Theodore Roosevelt rode his horse into Congress, pulling a tied up representative from Alabama behind him who admitted to starting the rumor that Roosevelt’s agriculture bill would increase taxes.

It is unlikely that the diplomatic President Obama will resort to such dramatic means.  Most experts believe he will simply use recess appointments.  Michelle Obama, on the other hand, has openly stated that she is ready to give any opposing Republicans “Two tickets, to the Gun Show!”  The First Lady’s impressive biceps and Tae Bo skills may be the Democrats only hope of pushing through the Health Care bill.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – A billboard near Wyoming has appeared with a familiar face and a funny message!

Located on Interstate 35 near Wyoming, the billboard has a message of “Miss Me Yet?” alongside an image of former President George Bush. At the first, this was thought to be a very elaborate and clever internet trick. However, multiple sources have since claimed that the billboard is very much real.

The billboard seems to fall right into place with President Obama’s declining popularity. The wars, his continued push for healthcare, and unemployment at all time highs have dropped the President in the polls. The message of “Miss Me Yet?” is doing much to help President Obama’s public appeal. Or perhaps it could be an ironic message and be reminding people that things could be worse with President Bush.

The biggest question that remains with the billboard is who paid for it and why? Perhaps it is someone or a group that is very much displeased with President Obama’s current performance.

Check out the actual billboard below.

NASHVILLE, TN – Sarah Palin caught cheating at the keynote address at the Tea Party convention.  Incident will go on her permanent record.

Over the weekend former Governor Sarah Palin delivered the keynote address to the first annual Tea Party convention in Tennessee.  She spoke about several topics including how Democrat policies will turn the country into a socialist post apocalyptic wasteland, general conservative talking points, and who is allowed to use the word “Retard.”  For ten minutes she made jokes about President Obama and his dependence on teleprompters.  Photographic evidence has shown that she was also given notes during her speech, but wrote them on her hand.  If this will affect her standing with the arch-conservative Tea Party remains to be seen, as they have yet to correctly use the term “Irony.”

Palin criticized Democratic policies for nearly an hour without ever being too specific.  Most of her political critique consisted of “Democrats are like this…” then repeating quotes in a silly voice while crossing her eyes and flailing her arms.  The crowd loved it.  “I mean, Socialized Healthcare, Oh my god!  Right?”  She continued “And President Obama, what kind of butthead can be President for a year and get nothing done?  I’m not going to reduce myself to name calling here, I’m just asking a question.  His actions are leading this country straight into chaos and it will take serious measures to get us back on track!”

She mentioned that Rahm Emmanuel should be fired for referring to people as “Retards.”  She also said that it’s okay when Rush Limbaugh calls his opponents “Retards.”  “Because he’s Rush, ya know?  When he says it, it’s, you know, whatever!  You get it, right crowd?”  The crowd cheered in support of her argument.  After her speech she asked everyone to friend her on facebook and twitter.

Though Democrats are criticizing Palin for writing notes on her hand, and referring to them often when she was asked questions, it is unlikely she will face any repercussions within the Republican party.  One insider states “she’s just way to popular to get in trouble.”  Another anonymous source says, “Oh yeah, when you’re that popular and pretty, people let you get away with anything.  Like last year she totally lost her son, then three months later found him in the back of a closet.  Everybody just covered for her afterwords.”

Talk of succession was rampant, despite not being on the official agenda.  Overall the week long event led to a stronger and more polarized Tea Party as a whole, unified by the poor decisions made after “discount moonshine happy hours” at local bars.

WASHINGTON D.C. – According to a new poll a majority of the GOP thinks that President Obama is a racist, socialist, and non-US citizen.  Their other beliefs will shock you!

A new poll was released by Daily Kos, outlining the beliefs of Republicans and their extreme distrust of President Obama.  Over two thousand self-identified Republicans were polled across the country.  It is important to note that the self-identified Conservatives, Tea Partiers, Libertarians, and Independents, who are even more politically conservative and make up roughly half the Fox News demographic, were not included in the poll.

39% of Republicans believe President Obama should be impeached.  27% believe impeachment should be considered.  When asked exactly what laws President Obama has broken that would warrant impeachment, participants were unsure.  58% answered something to the effect that “He’s trying to destroy America!”

63% of Republicans think that President Obama is a Socialist.  58% believe that he is trying to turn America into a European style Socialist country.  45% of Republicans believe that Obama considers Vladimir Lenin a personal hero.  27% believe that it is at least feasible that the President does or at one time has dressed up as Lenin.  18% believe that the President or the Democratic Party purchased Lenin’s remains after the fall of the Soviet Union and looks on it regularly for inspiration.    3% believe that Obama is Lenin reincarnated and getting revenge on the United States.  85% of Republicans are unsure of the difference between Socialism and Communism.

53% of Republicans think it is likely that President Obama was not born in the United States.  39% believe he definitely was not, and that the Democratic Party has successfully covered up the truth of his birth in Kenya.  This is all while being unable to pass the Health Care bill while holding a super-majority.

23% of Republicans believe that ACORN stole the 2008 election, with 55% of Republicans unsure.  21% believe their state should secede from the union.  12% would, in that case, support Glenn Beck as President of the new Conservative States of America.

53% of Republicans believe President Obama “wants the terrorists to win.”  37% believe it’s possible and warrants are being looked into.  49% believe the President is himself a “secret muslim.”  41% believe he is a “racist who hates white people.”    19% believe the President is the Antichrist, sent by Satan to destroy the human world.  48% of Republicans believe he is a likely candidate, but haven’t decided yet.  58% of Republicans think he could possibly be the Antichrist and a Socialist, Communist, Racist, secret Muslim, Kenyan native all at the same time.

WASHINGTON, DC – President Obama hosted an event for young inventors, but he had a few choice words for robots.

President Barack Obama started his “Educate to Innovate” campaign, which aims to improve the science, technology, engineering and math education in public schools.

Part of the initiative is to invite winners of national competitions to attend an annual White House Science Fair, as a reward to the young people who may be future American leaders in science.

While speaking to a room of young mathletes and robot designers, Obama made sure to emphasize another reason for his plan, notably the threat of the robot uprising:

TOKYO – President Obama bowed to Japan’s Emperor Akihito, much to the dismay of America’s Republicans!

President Barack Obama is on a week-long tour of Asia, meeting with national leaders and discussing international policies. He spent Saturday meeting with Japan’s Emperor Akihito and Empress Michiko.

Upon arriving at a private lunch with the couple at the Imperial Palace, Obama did what some are considering the unthinkable: bow.

Obama critics are up in arms over the gesture, with descriptions ranging from “embarrassing” to “treasonous.”

There seem to be two common criticisms,  one being that Obama was displaying fealty to a foreign royalty, which goes against the foundation of America. The other opinion is that Obama lacks a general understanding of customs in other countries.

This is partially due to an earlier bow this year to Saudi King Abdullah.

However, others have come to Obama’s defense, saying that Obama had simply been observing protocol. “I think that those who try to politicise those things are just way, way, way off base,” said a senior administration official.

A Republican student group put together a video of other officials greeting the Emperor from the past three years: