WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama said The U.S. Constitution is out-of-date, so he is ripping it up and writing a new one.

President Barack Obama told reporters last night that the U.S. Constitution has become a hindrance to progress in America.  “The document is so out-dated, that it is now becoming a hindrance to governing the country.”

Obama said that he has signed an Executive Order voiding the U.S. Constitution.  “We need to move forward.  We need change.”

Obama said he has already drafted a new constitution and that Americans “will love what I came up with.”   Insiders say that Obama is keeping a lot of old elements from the original constitution “he’s just making it better, bringing it into the 21st century,” said White House Spokesman, Jay Carney.

Many Democrats said that President Obama was a constitutional scholar and probably the only President – since the Founding Fathers – who is qualified to change the Constitution.

“President Obama knows more about the Constitution than  any man who has ever lived,” said Minority Leader, Nancy Pelosi.  “It’s about time we changed that document and we are lucky to have President Obama to do it.”

Republicans, of course, were outraged that Obama would even consider changing the constitution, and they vowed to fight.   “We will fight this to the bitter end,” said Speaker of the House, John Boehner, “there’s no way we are going to let the Constitution of the United States be altered even a little bit.   If there are changes to be made to the Constitution it should be done the appropriate way – through amendments and we think Paul Ryan and Eric Cantor are the ones to make any changes.”

Insiders say the new Constitution will look a lot like the constitutions of Kenya, France and Soviet Russia.

There are many, many changes in the New U.S. Constitution, but here are a few of the highlights.

1) SUPREME COURT – Will now have 11 members, which reflects the growing U.S. population. President Obama will appoint two new members immediately.  The President can name a new justice without needing the approval of Congress.

2) EXECUTIVE FINANCIAL POWER – The President will have the power to unilaterally enact any financial policy he chooses, without approval of Congress.  He must inform them, but they will not “stop” him (or her) from promoting their agenda.

3) LOBBYISTS – They will now be outlawed. There will be no more lobbyists in Washington.  However, there are some exemptions outlined in the New Constitution” :  Trial Lawyers, National Education Association and unions.  They will all be able to lobby.

4) REPRESENTATION – California, New York and Illinois will double the number of representatives in Congress – permanently.  “The President feels that the smartest people in the country live in these states, so they should be over-represented,” said Jay Carney.

5) GUNS & RELIGION – Both will be banned in the United States.

Did President Obama fake his birth certificate?  There are facts about his birth certificate circulating on the internet that may prove it was.

Here are just some of the facts swirling around the internet that raise doubts about the authenticity of the Obama’s birth certificate:

1. Back in 1961 people of color were called ‘Negroes.’ So how can the Obama ‘birth certificate’ state he is ‘African-American’  when the term wasn’t even used at that time?

2. The birth certificate that the White House released lists Obama’s birth as August 4, 1961. It also lists Barack Hussein Obama as his father. No big deal, right? At the time of Obama’s birth, it also shows that his father is aged 25 years old, and that Obama’s father was born in ” Kenya , East Africa “.

This wouldn’t seem like anything of concern, except the fact that Kenya did not even exist until 1963, two whole years after Obama’s birth, and 27 years after his father’s birth. How could Obama’s father have been born in a country that did not yet exist? Up and until Kenya was formed in 1963,  it was known as the ” British East Africa Protectorate.”

3. On the birth certificate released by the White House, the listed place of birth is “Kapi’olani Maternity & Gynecological Hospital “.
This cannot be, because the hospital(s) in question in 1961 were called “KauiKeolani Children’s Hospital” and “Kapi’olani Maternity Home”, respectively. The name did not change to Kapi’olani Maternity & Gynecological Hospital until 1978, when these two hospitals merged. How can this particular name of the hospital be on a birth certificate dated 1961 if this name had not yet been applied to it until 1978?

Resources:

http://www.kapiolani.org/women-and-children/about-us/default.aspx
Post-colonial history (from Wikipedia)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_Kenya
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenya

WASHINGTON – There are Beltway rumors that President Obama is losing his hearing from a rare auditory disease.

Sources close to interns at the White House say that President Obama is virtually deaf but is taking action to correct his hearing loss.  It was evident in Obama’s address last night to Iowa caucuses, as the President kept apparently had trouble hearing Iowa citizens, but he blamed it on “technical” problems.

The President said he noticed the hearing problem last year during the debt ceiling debate.  “People were talking to the President, but he couldn’t understand a word they were saying,” said a source close to the White House.

It is President Obama’s right ear that is the problem, though the higher frequencies in his left ear are not as clear either.   There are some reports that say he may go totally deaf in his right ear, and may have only partial hearing in his left ear.

While the President was in Hawaii on his vacation, a top otolaryngologist from Los Angeles flew to Oahu to examine the President.

“I can occasionally talk to people in person one on one if their voice frequency happens to fit the range that I can still hear, but I cannot hear exactly what they are saying, especially if they are Republicans, who rarely make sense anyway,” Obama reportedly told his old high school basketball coach. “I cannot hear cable television. I cannot hear protests.  I am, for all practical purposes, deaf – and it’s happened in six months.”

WWN spoke to the otolaryngologist and he feels strongly that Obama’s hearing loss can be corrected. “We see this sometimes.  People temporarily go deaf.  We think that in about nine or ten months, his hearing will fully return to normal.”

Insiders say the President will go about his normal duties.  “I bet itwon’t affect his golf game at all,” said a Republican congressman.

WASHINGTON – President Obama announced yesterday that he is canceling the 2012 elections, due to the jobs crisis.

In a speech delivered in Raleigh, North Carolina, President Obama made clear that there will be no new significant government measures to address the most severe jobs crisis since the Great Depression of the 1930s.

But he startled the crowd when he revealed his “one transformative idea”.  He told the crowd that he had a brilliant idea for reducing spending and for helping put Americans back to work.  He announced that he signed an Executive Order canceling this year’s midterm elections, scheduled for November 6th, 2012.

President Obama said in his speech that spending a millions of dollars on election campaigns is something that “Americans can’t afford. We need to put that money back into the economy.”  President Obama issued the Executive Order, effective immediately.  The President put a halt to all preparations being done for the November elections – on a local, state and federal levels.

“You don’t change horses in the middle of a raging stream,” said White House interim Chief of Staff Pete Rouse.  “The President feels that we need to keep the lawmakers we have in place, until his agenda is fully passed or the economy is turned around, whichever comes first.  If the elections were to go forward, the President is afraid that a new Congress will become gridlocked and he won’t be able to ram his agenda through.”

In his speech, Obama also trumpeted a plan for investment in infrastructure and transportation as a significant jobs program.  He said he would pay for the new  investment in transportation by taking all the money that the government would have spent on the midterm elections and putting that into union construction jobs.

“What’s the big deal?” said Bill Daley, Senior Advisor to the President. “There’s going to be elections in two years.  People can’t wait? We waste too much money on elections.”  Asked if the President would cancel the 2014 elections as well, Axelrod said, “That depends if the President can get the 22nd amendment repealed in the next two years.  If he can, then sure, he’ll let the elections go forward. Why not?”

Republicans were quick to denounce the Executive Order.  “He’s not a dictator, he can’t just cancel elections. This is an outrage,” said Senator John McCain.  But John McCain was seen laughing as he left the White House last night.  Some said Obama hugged a smiling McCain, then patted him on the butt.

Senator McCain’s campaign manager, Mark Buse, told WWN off the record (sorry Mark) that “Yeah, John’s happy that he gets to remain a Senator and he did make a back-room deal with Obama, but what am I going to do now?  I’m out of work.”    Lindsey Graham told Buse that he could “get a job on one of the new road projects Obama is setting up.  It’ll be good for you to work with your hands.”

So don’t worry about “rocking the vote” or “getting out the vote” or even just “voting” this November, 2012.   It’s canceled.  Come back in two years…

HENRICO, VA –  A truck carrying President Obama’s teleprompter and audio equipment was stolen days before his visit to a local kindergarten.

President Obama’s Teleprompter, or TOTUS (teleprompter of the United States), was stolen right in front of the Secret Service in Virginia.

The President was livid and had to cancel his speech in front of a class of kindergarten students.  ”I had my speech all planned out, I was going  to tell the kids to eat some vegetables, or donuts, or something, but I don’t remember, and I wanted them to think about something important like the NBA, but I forgot what I was going to say.  I feel terrible that I had to cancel.  They deserve to hear me.”

Here is the typical setup President Obama uses when he speaks to kindergarten classes:

The entire setup above was stolen by the Teleprompter Thieves.

The Department of Defense confirmed the heist, but did not want to speculate on who stole the equipment. But WWN talked to sources close the Teleprompter.

“It was probably the Tea Party trying to stop the President from talking about the economy again, and others think it’s an inside job,” said Dr.  Badu Merkti of the Defense Department.  ”There are a lot members of the President’s Cabinet who are jealous of Totus, because of all the time the teleprompter gets to spend with the President.  Totus might not have the President’s ears, but he has his eyes – all the time.”

Other Democrats feel that Republicans pulled off the heist to stop the President from talking to the kindergarteners, potential voters in 2012.  Why on earth would they think that kindergarteners can vote?  Because the President is actually threatening an Executive Order allowing them to. “They can count to ten and then can tell blue from red, that’s more than a lot of Republicans,” said Jay Carney, White House Press Secretary.   “The President feels kindergarteners are fully human and should be able to vote for him, um for President.”

Still others think that Totus organized  the heist.  ”Some inside the administration are speculating that Totus was growing tired of  the President’s speeches.  Lately, Totus had been trying to change the speeches, on the fly, but the President recently yelled at Totus for doing so.  ”This could have been a run-away situation,” said a senior advisor to the President Obama.

The truck with Totus was parked at the Virginia Center Commons Courtyard Marriott in advance on Wednesday’s presidential visit to Chesterfield Kindergarten.

Totus has long been a loyal and patriotic American – rarely is Totus seen without American flags.

“I think Totus will  return to the White House some day and we hope it’s soon… the President hasn’t spoken a word in twenty-four hours,” said Carney.

WWN reached out to President Obama directly for his reaction… but he had no comment.

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama joined protesters outside the White House – protesting the man inside the White House.

The Obama Administration has come out strongly supporting the OCCUPY MOVEMENT and members of the Cabinet, including President Obama, took part in demonstrations outside the White House last weekend.

Weeks after taking to the streets in Manhattan, Occupy Wall St demonstrators were camped a outside the White House.  When President Obama saw them he ran out and joined them.

“The President joined with the protesters as they raised their fists at the White House. They all chanted, we are the 99, we are the 99,” said Jay Carney, White House Press Secretary.  “President Obama is one of the 99, he feels like he is one of them. He knows he is one of them.”

Joe Biden also supported the protesters saying, “hey, I could be out of a job in fifteen months, too. Then what will I do.”

Mr Obama said people were angry because Wall Street had not been following the rules.  “And I’m mad at them too.  I gave them rules and they won’t follow them.  When I’m in charge you do what I say,” Obama reportedly told reporters.

The protesters, including the President are lashing out at corporate greed to the ballooning deficit to, above all, the political class.

“We hate politicians,” said Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton.

“Politicians are only interested in keeping themselves employed, so they don’t make decisions for the people,” said Valerie Jarrett, Senior Adviser to the President.

The movement is targeting  “the 1 percent” – wealthy Americans whose taxes Mr Obama wants to raise to pay for his program to boost jobs.

“Hey, I’m not in the 1 percent,” the President told WWN.  “I’m in the top 2%.  The top 1% are where the real greedy guys are.”

It’s not clear who will Occupy White House in 2012.

CAMBRIDGE, U.K. – New research done by the University of Cambridge proves conclusively that Christopher Columbus was black.

DNA analysis of the remains of Christopher Columbus, done by forensic scientists at the University of Cambridge, prove beyond a shadow a doubt that the famed navigator was of African descent.

“A five-hundred-year-mystery has been solved,”  said Wellington Malley, the head of the Cambridge research team.  “Even though Columbus was born in Genoa, and spoke and wrote in Spanish most of his life, the DNA is clear – Columbus was 100% African.  We believe he was from the west coast, probably from what is now Cameroon.”

“No way!”, said Carlo Minucci of Bayonne, New Jersey.  “Columbus is a full-blooded Italian-America.  He sailed here with his friends Nina and Pinta  and discovered Hoboken.  That’s the way it went down.  He’s not black.  This is our day!”

Sorry, Carlo.  It’s the truth. .. Some of the remains of Christopher Columbus were found in Seville Cathedral, in Spain, and some bones were buried in Santo Domingo Cathedral in the Dominican Republic.  “All of the bones and the remains from both locations have been checked and rechecked.  He’s black.”

Columbus died in 1506.  In 1537, the widow of his son Diego was allowed to take the bones of both her husband and his father to the Dominican Republic for burial in the cathedral of Santo Domingo.  Diego was also black.

Not all African-Americans were pleased to know learn about Columbus’s ethnic identity.   “What?  Columbo was a thug, a punk.  He sailed out over here and slaughtered the Indians, ” said Fred Johnson of Harlem.  “I think the whole thing is bogus, trying to pin a crime on blacks again.  This is B.S.”

But President Obama heard news over the weekend and was proud to know that one of the greatest sailors and navigators of all time was black.  “I’m ordering all statues and monuments to Christopher Columbus be taken down and redone.  We want his likeness to be accurate.”

Mayor Bloomberg in New York said that the big Italian-American parade down 5th Avenue would be changed to an African-American parade in honor of Christopher Columbus.

“Fuggedabout it,” said Tony Cinelli of Brooklyn.  “This ain’t right.  This is the only Italian day we get.  And they take it away from us?  We get no respect.  Next thing you know they’ll be telling us that the Chinese invented pasta.”

The Grand Marshall of this year’s Columbus Day Parade – Maria Bartiromo has been replaced by Beyonce.

Native-American were indifferent to the news.  “Either way we got screwed,” said Chief Walking Stick,  a Navajo Indian.

Well, whether you are  black, Italian, or just a Columbus-lover…  get out there and celebrate the day!

BEIJING – Obama Fried Chicken is the hottest new franchise in China.

Obama is giving Colonel Sanders a run for his money.  He has partnered with some China’s businessmen to open Obama Fried Chicken all across China.

Hope and Chicken.

Hundreds of OFC restaurants are opening all  across China.  And the Chinese are lovin’ it!   There’s lines out the door of franchises in Shanghai, Beijing and Hong Kong.

The logo for OFC shows the President dressed in the Colonel’s Saunders clothes.

The catchphrase for OFC is “We’re so cool, aren’t we?”:

Obama Fried Chicken was started as a response to the U.S. filing a complaint with the World Trade Organization about Chinese tariffs on American chicken exports.  Chinese and Americans were all surprised that Obama, the sitting President of the United States, decided to open these restaurants despite the  tariffs and despite how bad this all looks.

The tariffs affect an industry that employs about 300,000 people and range from 50 to 100 per cent, which means some Chinese importers paid as much as twice the price for American chicken.

The Chinese seem to now have an Obama-chicken obsession.

Earlier this year in Hong Kong, an Obama look alike was employed to advertize OFC.  And kids all across China are chanting – “Hope and Chicken. Hope and Chicken!”

There are, of course, New York versions that caused quite a stir.There is one in Harlem and one in Brooklyn.

Some people have complained the name plays into old racial stereotypes.  Sort of like this:

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzMmJhB6ogs&w=480&l=385"]

DENVER – President Obama plans to build an Intercontinental Railroad between New York and Paris.

At a fiery speech in Denver,  President Obama unveiled his plans to build a railroad between New York City and Paris, France.  The President had mentioned this idea last week and some in the media thought he committed a gaffe.  ”It’s no gaffe, it’s his vision,” said White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney.

“President Kennedy dreamed of going to the moon, I dream of going to Paris – by train!” Obama told the Denver crowd.

President Obama wants to put Americans to work building an elaborate array of tunnels of bridges that start at Grand Central Station and end at Paris Nord Train Station.

“It’s going to take a lot of manpower to get to Paris, but I think we can do it.   We are Americans!  We know how to build bridges and tunnels!”

President Obama plans to build 3,628 miles of tunnels and bridges between New York and Paris starting at the beginning of 2012.  ”Imagine waking up in New York, catching a bullet train to Paris and being home with your kids for dinner.  That’s the future I envision. That’s the new American dream.”

Will the French help finance Obama’s “intercontinental railroad” project?  ”Not a chance,” said French Prime Minister Sarkozy.

Most train experts predict that even with a “bullet train” it will still take about 50 hours to travel by train to Paris from New York.  ”It’s going to be hard to get up in the morning, work a full day in Paris and be home in dinner.   You would need a 120 hour day to do that,” said Metropolitan Transportation Authority chief, Tom Hillstrom.  ”I’m not sure going to Paris by train is worth it.”

“Let the naysayers nay say,” said Obama.  ”We can get to Paris.  I know it.  And we will build a train, we will build bridges and we will build tunnels.  And we will save our economy by putting people to work.  It’s all in my American Jobs Act.”

“He’s completely lost the plot,” said British railroad engineer Ian Blackborn.  ”It’s impossible to build a system of tunnels and bridges that traverse the Atlantic.  And it’s foolish.  He’d have just as much success building a bridge to the moon.”

“So, let’s build a bridge to the moon!” said Obama when told of Blackborn’s comment.

He has a dream..

OMAHA, NE – On the eve of President Obama’s “Buffett Tax” – sources say the Oracle of Omaha was arrested for dodging taxes!

In a surprising development, Warren Buffett was reportedly arrested this morning at his Berkshire Hathaway offices in Omaha.  Allegedly, he has not only paid less than his secretary in taxes, he hasn’t paid ANY taxes in last ten years.  Or maybe it was just an IRS error.  It’s not clear.

The IRS has supposedly been going over Bufftett’s tax returns with extra care because President Obama is about to present the the nation with “the Buffett tax”, which raises taxes on millionaires and billionaires.

What they reportedly found was that Buffett’s company has been paying taxes but it’s Chariman, Warren B., has not filed taxes in ten years and before that he was only paying taxes on a rate of 7%, thanks to some very creative accounting and some help from the IRS.

“Warren always liked to hire accountants with great imaginations,” said a person who knows somebody who works at Berkshire Hathaway.  ”He used to have them submit a short story or a painting or a musical composition as a test to see if they were creative enough to be his accountant.  He loved to hire circus clowns as accountants.  They were the best.”

The Oracle of Omaha told WWN that he must have “forgot” to pay his taxes over the last ten years and blamed the lack of tax payments on his new accountant – Scott Dude.  When Buffett was told that “Scott Dude” sounds like a fictitious name, Buffett said, “do you have any oatmeal?”

Buffett was reportedly playing Angry Birds at the time of his arrest.   The IRS agents sat down and  played for an hour themselves.  They all had a grand time.

Buffett can only be blamed for bringing this on himself.  Over the last few months he has been publicly making the case for the  government to raise taxes on billionaires like himself.  Unfortunately, he didn’t think that the IRS would actually audit him – “audit, me?!”  But, the Obama Administration wanted to tell  the public exactly what Buffett paid over the last few years and had him audited and… they discovered he has not filed  taxes.  But, again, it could have been an IRS error because as the IRS said, “we’re buried in paperwork over here!”

Sources say Buffett was held in a Federal jail in Washington DC for seventeen minutes.  President Obama pardoned Buffett so he could hold a press conference about The Buffett Tax.

“President Obama can now make the case that billionaires are dodging their taxes and that the government should confiscate most of their earnings.   After all, most fortunes are made because of a crime,” said Jay Carney, The White House Press Secretary.

Warren Buffet sure was happy to be free:

Buffett has promised now to give all the money he promised to give to Bill Gates to the federal government.  ”They can handle my money better than Bill,” Buffett said.

In an unrelated story, Bill Gates left the country for an undisclosed location.