UPDATE: Obatma rejoices over Clinton’s nomination for Secretary of State position: the Bureau of Mutant Affairs is his!

Insiders are confirming that President-Elect Barack Obama will be nominating Hillary Clinton after Thanksgiving following days of negotiation. Obatma will now be free to claim the new Commissioner of the Bureau of Mutant Affairs.

The Mutants for Clinton organization has begrudgingly announced that they will switch their support to Obatma.

November 18, 2008
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Hillary Clinton is speaking out on the Cabinet position she wants, and Obatma is not going to like it.

Despite news that President-Elect Barack Obama is considering Hillary Clinton for Secretary of State, Clinton has now publicly declared her wishes.

At an “impromptu” press conference, Hillary was surrounded by mutant Americans as she stated, “I am most interested in heading up the new Bureau of Mutant Affairs!”

“I for one know what it’s like to be persecuted for being a minority,” she explained while crying softly. “It was very difficult running to be the first female presidential nominee. But if I could get through that, I can certainly help these mutants break through their own glass ceiling!”

Obama aides are saying he has taken this as a personal affront on his family, as it was well known that Obatma was to be the first Commissioner of the Bureau of Mutant Affairs. Many Americans feel that Obama owes Clinton a position in his cabinet after bumping her out of the primaries, so he may bring unwanted scorn if he turns her down.

A female mutant at the rally also felt conflicted. “Who should I support more? The first female Commissioner or the first mutant Commissioner? I really just don’t know.”

Insiders are not expecting Clinton to challenge Obatma to a debate, as it could be viewed as malicious due to his inability to speak any human language.

CHICAGO, IL – President-Elect Obama’s Transition team announced today that the First Family to be has made a very important decision. They have decided on what breed of pet to bring to the White House: a Bigfoot.

In fact, it is a tiny Bigfoot.  And to accommodate Malia’s allergies, this little big-guy is the first hypo-allergenic Sasquatch known to man.

In a press conference last week, President-Elect Obama announced that they would seek to find a hypo-allergenic breed of dog in a shelter, knowing it would be a near impossible feat.

Within hours of the announcement, volunteers from a West Virginia animal shelter, began contacting the Obama Transition team to notify them of a unique animal they had been rehabilitating in their facilities for weeks.

“Hikers found the Tiny Bigfoot, Albert, in the woods back in August,” shelter director, Susan Thomas told reporters.  “We ran all sorts of tests on him to identify his species and age, and one of the things we noticed was that he didn’t cause an allergic reaction in people who usually show signs resulting from dander or saliva.  He may not be a mutt, but he sure is a doll.”

The Tiny Bigfoot spent the weekend with the Obama family to insure Malia didn’t have any adverse reactions.  Spokesmen from the First-Lady-Elect’s office told reporters that the family took to Albert very quickly.  “He is already a great companion to the girls and is proving to be an excellent guard dog.  He doesn’t let them out of his sight.”

The President-Elect himself is reported to be very pleased with their choice and looks forward to increased relations between his administration and the cryptid community.

STAMFORD, CT – In the midst of helping John McCain grieve, PhD Ape took a red-eye flight Monday night to be with Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman.

Lieberman, an Independent who caucuses with Senate Democrats, met with Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid of Nevada last week to discuss the status of Lieberman’s two committee chairmanships.  It is widely believed that Lieberman will be stripped of those chairmanships as punishment for endorsing John McCain and campaigning aggressively against now President-Elect Barack Obama.

“Joe made a very difficult choice,” PhD Ape said in a prepared statement before boarding his plane.  “He caucuses with the Democrats in the Senate, but the people of Connecticut elected him as an Independent.  Joe loves the Senate and cherishes his leadership roles on two very important committees.  This is a very difficult time for him.”

PhD Ape is expected to spend the next few weeks shuttling between Connecticut and Arizona as he counsels Lieberman and McCain.

Asked if he thought he would be spending any time in Washington DC or Texas with lame-duck President Bush, PhD Ape replied, “I don’t think so.  I have a feeling President Bush doesn’t have any mixed feelings about leaving Washington behind and returning to a quieter life in Texas.”

CHICAGO, IL – President-Elect Barack Obama will soon be appointing members to his cabinet, and insiders are predicting one surprising addition.

While it is still early yet, speculations have already begun on who Obama will be selecting to join his presidential cabinet in January 2009. Names like John Kerry, Caroline Kennedy, Colin Powell and Bill Richardson have been bandied about, but one name in particular stands out: Obatma.

When asked about the possibility at a brief press conference, Obama explained, “Look, I want to clarify, this would not be an act of nepotism. Obatma is an intelligent, cool-headed mutant, wise beyond his years.

“If he were ready, willing and able to take the position, I would happily make him the Commissioner of my newly created Bureau of Mutant Affairs.”

Obatma was unavailale for comment, as he is currently in the swamps of Gallatin County taking a well-earned break from campaigning for Obama.

NEW YORK, NY – Alien and human labor activists are protesting outsourcing to a planet with a forty hour day.

OMS Global Services, Inc. has negotiated a deal to outsource its accounting, insurance claim and credit-card processing operations to nearby planet Benefitia. “They’ve got 940 days in a year there,” said Caleb Weindorf, a spokesman for the company. “Our competitors won’t be able to match that kind of productivity.”

Weindorf’s firm will be employing native Benefitians who are accustomed to the thirty hour work day. “I mean, they just work and work without complaint. It’s unbelievable! Nothing like human workers who moan about ‘lunch hour’ this and ‘maternity leave’ that.”

But alien and human labor activists have united to take a stand against this move. Labor leaders Kerry Simms and Ooleloo held a joint press conference condemning the intergalactic outsourcing.

“It is not only un-American but inhuman to exploit another planet’s inhabitants!” shouted Simms.

Ooleloo calmly stated, “Mr. Weindorf thinks we are stupid enough to not know how much he was paying his human workers. But by their rate, we should be making 750 American dollars a day, and we will not accept a penny less.”

President Elect Barack Obama issued a brief statement through a representative: “I have made it clear that I intend to end tax breaks for companies that send jobs overseas. If companies like OMS think outer space is exempt, they will quickly find out how wrong they are.”