NEW YORK/CRAWFORD, TX – George W. Bush will be replacing Regis Philbin as co-host on his popular ABC talk show.

Regis Philbin announced on air yesterday that after 28 years of co-hosting the “LIVE!” morning show, he is leaving later this year.

ABC execs immediately announced that  George W. Bush will be the new host opposite Kelly Ripa.  ABC felt that Bush is one of the few recognized personalities who has the charisma to face off with the feisty Kelly Ripa five days a week.

The 43rd President was in New York last week to meet with Ripa and the show’s producers. Word is, they reviewed Bush’s screen tests and have been very pleased with his on-screen presence.

Seth Lewinsky, a marketing manager for the show, loves the idea of putting “Bush II” on the air. “He’s camera-ready. After all those years of press conferences and campaigning, he’s prepared to tackle a fresh audience each morning. He also brings a certain Texan charm to a very New York show. He’ll pull in another sector of the population for us.”

Ripa is said to be ecstatic. While she was initially pushing for her husband Mark Consuelos to replace Regis, she’s had a change of heart.

“Mark is the perfect fill-in, but we need a perfect co-pilot. George is my co-pilot,” explained Ripa.

Producers are also scrambling to settle on a new name for the show. While they want to inject some new energy into the name, they don’t want to lose the strength of the brand. Possibilities include:

LIVE with Kelly and Dubya
LIVE with the Ripa and the W
Ripa! Bush! LIVE!
Kelly and George: Up in Smoke
Bush Cassidy and the Sundance Kelly
Mission Accomplished!

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – A billboard near Wyoming has appeared with a familiar face and a funny message!

Located on Interstate 35 near Wyoming, the billboard has a message of “Miss Me Yet?” alongside an image of former President George Bush. At the first, this was thought to be a very elaborate and clever internet trick. However, multiple sources have since claimed that the billboard is very much real.

The billboard seems to fall right into place with President Obama’s declining popularity. The wars, his continued push for healthcare, and unemployment at all time highs have dropped the President in the polls. The message of “Miss Me Yet?” is doing much to help President Obama’s public appeal. Or perhaps it could be an ironic message and be reminding people that things could be worse with President Bush.

The biggest question that remains with the billboard is who paid for it and why? Perhaps it is someone or a group that is very much displeased with President Obama’s current performance.

Check out the actual billboard below.

I blame George W. Bush for all these A-rab terrorist attacks – because he’s not here!

That’s right: these crazy A-rabs are attacking America again because Bush ISN’T in the White House!

How can Bush do what he did for eight whole years – keeping the U.S. of A. safe and sound – when he’s goofing off in Texas someplace, wading through hate mail between naps?

Can’t we just let him VISIT once in a while? Maybe he can give the Teleprompter Kid a few tips?

Oh, I forgot: Bush is a moron and Obama is a genius!

Obama must be pretty smart, because he’s got himself a nice safe job that lets him go golfing and surfing and riding magical unicorns in Hawaii over Christmas. Meanwhile, all those poor peaceful sons of A-rab millionaires are forced to spend their holidays trying to blow up airplanes with flaming jockey shorts or something.

That just shows you the big inequalities in our world that the Communist-in-Chief has promised to get rid of!

And he’s trying, too. He wants to make everybody equal. So now we all get to equally get treated crappy at the airport, even though our name isn’t Mohammed and we’ve got passports and our dad’s didn’t call the cops on us.

Clinton tried to wreck America with HIS burning underwear, but Obama doesn’t need that. He’s ruining the country without even trying!

I don’t understand why the A-rabs don’t just make their own airline and let us fly on ours. They’ve got the money to do it. Then we could fly without having to walk around barefoot through x-ray machines, and they could put their goats in the carry on, and their wives in the cargo hold, and we’d all be happy!

VANCOUVER – At a Canadian luncheon last week, former President Bush said, “I did not sell my soul.”  Satan has disputed his statement.

Former President Bush is touring Canada with a speaking tour to promote his upcoming book.  When describing his Presidency to a group in Vancouver last week he made the now famous remark.  The crowd was confused as the comment came from nowhere and was relevant of nothing.  The former President looked awkward for a moment, then quickly changed the subject to hockey.

Satan has come forward saying the two in fact did have a deal.  Answering many questions about the Bush Presidency, how he won the 2000 election, and why the results were never formally investigated, the Prince of Darkness, Satan himself, has come forward saying the two entered into an agreement in late 1999.  Satan helped him acquire the Presidency in 2000, and kept the associated press from asking too many questions about how it was done, in exchange for George W. Bush’s immortal soul.

While in office Mr. Bush received advice from Beelzebub and his legal team on several matters in  exchange for the passing of the Patriot Act.  As proof Satan produced the original legal document, signed in Bush’s hand with Bush’s own blood, offering up his soul to the Devil.

GOP spokespeople have downplayed the incident and rebuked Satan’s alleged documentation.  Karl Rove, Bush’s chief advisor while President, said, “I know nothing of the Dark Lord, and have not sworn to carry out his every command until the glorious day when his son will rise!  …I must away.  No further comment.”  Bush’s media spokesman said that “this legal contract is a fake.  Satan is notoriously Un-American.  His attack on Mr. Bush in an attack on the family values that make this country great.  That Satan himself is set on tearing down George W. Bush only serves as a testament to the good Mr. Bush has accomplished.”

On Fox News, their commentators said, “Orly Taitz came forward with Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate, and the media immediately writes that off as a hoax.  Satan comes forward with this contract and suddenly George Bush is suspect.  It’s a double standard!”

Bill O’Reilly has claimed, “This is all just a Democrat conspiracy to destroy Bush’s legacy.  I wouldn’t be surprised to see Al Franken at the center of this.”

Satan has produced additional evidence of a relationship between he and Bush, including pictures of Bush signing the contract, the two of them having beers, and even fishing together.

Former President Bush has yet to personally address the issue, and keeps changing the subject to sports.

VIRGINIA – Dick Cheney is writing his memoirs.  Weekly World News has acquired an advance look at the torrid tale of his relationship with President Bush.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney surprised the world by saying he would publish a memoir.  For years he has been famous for his obsession with privacy.  Now, turning a new leaf, the former Vice President has been seen walking along the beach handwriting his book while sipping mint juleps.  He writes everything down in cursive on parchment, a detail he says his publishers must recreate in the release of the book.

The book is set to focus on his relationship with President Bush, describing first their interdependent closeness which in time turned into a cold distance.  He writes “it was a cold day that October morning.  I came in for the morning briefing with an extra mocha latte for George.  It took an extra twenty minutes out of my morning, but he liked them and I know he’s been under stress.  I went to hand it to him, but he didn’t notice.  He was too busy reading popularity polls.  ‘Here you go Mister President, your favorite.’  All he could be bothered to say was a quick ‘Thanks’ before going back to his paper.  I felt so stupid, standing there waiting for his approval.  Quickly I excused myself from the Oval Office, went in the bathroom and cried.  I was so mad, so hurt, I wanted to shoot a man in the face.”

Later in the book he writes “Things had been so different between us, I didn’t know who he was anymore.  It was like those days on the ranch had never happened.  Where was the warm cowboy who never cared what people thought and would laugh with me while starting a war.  Standing in front of me was a Washington apologist who lived and died by his approval polls.  Had that man even existed?  Was it all just a beautiful dream?  No.  It was real.  I knew because I still had the flower in my breast pocket.  The one he gave me.”

And towards the end.  “It was all over now.  There was nothing left to say between us.  Quietly I took the flower out of my pocket and placed it on his desk, where I knew he’d find it.  Next to it was the note  ‘…From Turdblossom.’”

No release date has been set for the book.

I was happier than Lindsay Lohan at an open bar to see President George Bush – “W. the Great”— back in the saddle yesterday!

He was giving a speech to a bunch of businessmen, and while I wouldn’t say he gave Obama hell, W. spoke his mind about all the craziness going on these days.

Bush said therapy wouldn’t do terrorists any good, and he is so right. Just look at that Woody Allen fella—he spent thirty years on the couch, then ran off to France with his ugly stepdaughter! I guess that’s what passes for sanity up there in New York City.

Anyhow, I wish Bush had given a few more good speeches like that one for the last eight years!

Oh well, at least when he was in the White House, Bush killed a few terrorists. All the Communist-in-Chief can manage to do is swat a fly!

I’m surprised Obama didn’t set up the fly in its own little fly Gitmo: someplace warm with lots of dead dogs and garbage and no spiders to torture it.

And having those tofu-munching crazies at PETA attack Obama for killing the fly forces me to side with him, and I don’t like that one little bit!

Meanwhile, some restaurant is taking their ads off the David Bitterman TV show because of what he said about Sarah Palin and her daughter. That Olive Garden’s way too fancy for me, and I don’t care too much for greasy Eye-Tie food — but maybe next time the wife nags me to take her somewhere, I’ll spring for an early bird special!

Can you believe it? Good old George W. Bush just raised $100-million for his Presidential library in only 100 days! So much for the crappy economy! Bush’s new book depository in Dallas is gonna be built from solid gold bricks at this rate.

How’d that happen? I thought Bush was the worst President ever, and everybody hated him and was glad to see him leave.

One share of New York Times stock is now cheaper than a copy of their paper, and they might have to sell their big building. Hey, maybe Bush should buy it and put his library in there instead! So much for their eight years of Bush bashing. You’d almost think nobody paid attention to the New York Times anymore…

I dunno: Obama seems to like handing out new houses and free stuff to folks. Maybe he cut Bush a check, too! The Teleprompter Kid’s throwing money at everybody else, so why not? Sounds like the Bush library’s gonna be around longer than GM at this rate.

This news is gonna make that press secretary’s head come to an even pointier point. Keith Olbermann’s gonna burst a blood vessel, and the girls on The View are gonna be in permanent PMS mode!

Oh sure, they’ll joke that $100-million buys a lot of copies of “My Pet Goat”, and say a “George Bush Library” is like a “Michael Jackson Daycare” or an “Oprah Winfrey Fat Farm”, but let them laugh.

All those liberals are just jealous. Bush’s library just made more money in one hundred days than all Hollywood’s anti-Bush, anti-war movies made in eight whole years! Take that, traitors!

I’m madder than a terrorist with a plugged up toilet about Guantanamo Bay!

For years, we heard how Bush was the next Hitler for keeping bad guys in a Cuban prison. The Teleprompter Kid said these guys were being mistreated. Heck, I thought beating up bad guys was the whole point!

Lemme at ‘em!

Well, the Communist-in-Chief’s gone and changed his mind. Now he says those terrorists were being treated just fine in Gitmo after all. Like that’s a good thing! Darn you, President Bush, here I thought you and Cheney were slapping these scumbags around all this time. What a let down.

In fact, I found out through the computer machine that the guys in Gitmo get interrogated in Laz-E-Boy chairs and eat so much fancy food that most of them are fatter than when they went it. (Maybe that’s to make them easier to spot and shoot after we let them go…)

I know one thing: this Gitmo sounds like a pretty nice set up. Cuba’s sunny and warm – as long as you can put up with the stench of international communism and the Castro boys’ b.o.

You think maybe the Communist-in-Chief can find a few bucks in his zillion-dollar budget to fly this here old veteran down there for a week’s vacation?

Speaking of which: I also heard on the computer machine that if you spent a million dollars a day since Jesus was born, you still wouldn’t reach the amount of money they’re spending in Obama’s stimulation package.

Frankfurters and myrrh, that’s a load of gold!

WASHINGTON, DC – Continuing the tradition, outgoing President Bush left a personal note to the new President Obama in the Oval Office.

Weekly World News investigators have uncovered a copy. Below are sections of the letter from President Bush, welcoming and advising the new President:

“If you’re brokering peace with Israel and Pakistan Portugal whoever, ask Miles in the kitchen to make those yummy crab thingies.  People always love them and it gets everybody talking!”

“In case of an emergency, there’s a bag of chips taped under the desk in the Oval Office.”

“Amanda who’s in charge of laundry gets really cranky sometimes, compliment her hair and she’ll ease right up.”

“Ask Manny in the grounds crew about the luau.  He’ll know what you mean, heh heh.”

“If the Vice President ever tells you ‘Not now, in your second term’, don’t believe him.  He’ll forget and never get around to it.”

“Never let them make you eat caviar at a state function.  It tastes gross and you’re the President, you shouldn’t have to.”

“Yell ‘GUN!’ some time and watch the Secret Service guys react.  They hate when you do that, but it’s worth it!”

A full page was dedicated to explaining how to work the television in the living area.    Three false starts were crossed out before the former President got it right, culminating with the advice “But you’ve got kids so when in doubt, just ask them.  I’m leaving you a remote cozy to keep the clicker in.  Otherwise, they can get lost pretty easily.”

Bush continued, “You know the office of the President can be a very difficult job.  This book really helped me get through the rough times in office.”  Sitting next to the note was a copy of The Secret.

Mr. Bush also left a note for the Obama girls, Sasha and Maliya.  Inside it outlined people they would be running into, including who is nice and who makes the best snacks.  He concluded the note with “Don’t ask the Secret Service men for piggy back rides, they won’t do it.  I learned the hard way.  The Vice President, however, is required by the Constitution to give piggy back rides to anyone in the First family, whenever they want!”

While departing away in Marine One helicopter, Former President Bush convinced the pilot to do a fly-by to the Capitol one last time.

My heart’s as broken as the Liberty Bell about saying goodbye to President Bush.

Last week, I visited the White House for a farewell lunch with the great man. Lots of other big time patriotic pundits were there, too. Rush ate all the good donuts. Barney humped Hannity’s leg. (I think he liked it). Boortz left his cell phone on, so for a second it was like a bunch of gay boys were singing from inside his pants.

Also, somebody farted. (I’m guessing the Mormon…)

We looked out onto the Rose Garden one last time, before the new guy starts using it to grow marijuana for his unicorn.

We asked the President if he had any regrets, besides not getting to nuke anybody?

Bush said he wished he’d drilled for oil up in Alaska.

“That’ll never happen now,” the President mused. “Not after the new guy beat What’s His Name and That Lady With The Glasses.”

The President even let us in on some top secret stuff, like how that nuclear football isn’t really a football – “Boy, was that a fox paw!” — and that his Secret Service nickname was “Smirky McHitler.”

“Lottsa Dems at Treasury…” Bush explained in a nervous whisper.

As we waved goodbye, I thought about our beautiful White House being taken over by draft dodgers and drunks and illegal-alien-lovers and idiots out to destroy our great capitalist system and — well, the excitement must’ve got to me right about then and I started getting a little mixed up…

Anyway, my fellow Americans, we’ve got one last day not to think about the horrible future let lies ahead. Let’s remember happier times gone by, back before they made a guy with a funny name the President, and let Mormons on the radio.