DALLAS – All the major airlines announced today that they will start offering in-flight porn – as a way to increase revenue.

Porn will soon take flight on airlines across America.  Executives from all the major American airlines have approved  a new technology that will make erotic movies available for passengers on flights longer than forty-five minutes.

You won’t have to do this anymore to watch porn on a flight:

Airline executives believe that the in-flight porn offer mimics hotel room paid “erotic” TV services. Passengers will be able to use their iPads or smartphones to watch the erotic movies, OR they will be able to rent an iPad or iPhone from Flight Attendants for the specific purpose of “erotic enjoyment.”

The airlines feel that this new service will bring in good deal of revenue for the airlines and allow them to keep fares low for the foreseeable future.

“It makes a lot of economic sense,” said Stephen Morris, a chief airline analyst for Goldman Sachs.  “These types of movies generate a lot of money.  The airlines will be fulfilling a demand of some passengers, while at the same time keeping costs low for others.  It’s a brilliant move.”

Some passengers aren’t so happy.  “I don’t want some dirty old man watching porn and whacking off underneath his airline blanket while I’m trying to breast-feed my baby.  That’s disgusting,” said Sharon Tweener of Scarsdale, NY.

The airlines said they will take every precaution to prevent children from seeing the pornographic images.  But a representative from the Flight Attendants Union said that “it’s going to be impossible to stop children from seeing these films.  We are going to have to set up viewing booths, or viewing areas on the plane.  It’s never going to work,” said the representative.  “Our union members are not the Porn Police.”

There are many others who object to the availability of porn on flights, but the airline executives told WWN that the new porn policy will be implemented on a trial basis for six months.  “We’ll see how it goes.  If people don’t like it, we’ll stop, but if it goes well, we may increase our porn purchases for 2012 and beyond.”

The Mile High Club is expanding!

PETA, the animal rights group, will be producing XXX porn videos – so they can reach more people.

PETA plans to conquer the porn world – and they doing it for the animals.

“We live in a 24 hour news cycle world and pornography has proven to be  the most effective way to reach certain individuals – most individuals,” said PETA spokeswoman Raja Lindsey.

“Porn watchers are usually big meat eaters, so we want to make vegan porn,” Lindsey continued.

The porn videos will persuade the horny and the hot that veganism is superior,” said Lindsey. “We really want to grab people’s attention, get them to question the status quo and ultimately take action, because the best way we can help the greatest number of animals is simply by not eating them.”

PETA says that eating less meat is better for you health, and makes you a “dynamo” in bed.

PETA will talk about the un-ethical treatment of animals in every porn video they make.  Here’s a quote from the V Monologues.  V for vegan.

“Chickens have their sensitive beaks seared off with a hot blade, and male cattle and pigs are castrated without any painkillers.”

With the finer details still to be finalized, PETA did confirm that regular people, not just porn stars, will also be featured in the porn videos.

“There will be a lot of girl on girl  content, but we haven’t ruled out ‘celebrity on non-celebrity’ content as well” said Lindsey.

“People who are extraordinarily dedicated to helping animals and who are willing to do whatever it takes to draw attention to the suffering they endure – they will be allowed to part of our ‘threesome’ series.”

PETA has done ad campaigns with adult film stars Sasha Grey, Ron Jeremy and Jenna Jameson. In 2008, the organization’s YouTube account was shut down after posting porn videos of celebrities.

PETA also is trying to become sponsors of the soon-to-be releases sex tape of Kim Kardashian.

LOS GATOS, CA – NetFlix shares rose sharply today after they announced they would begin streaming porn.

Shares of NetFlix Inc. rose in trading today on news that the company will soon make pornography available for streaming.

The company also said it would raise prices for all its 23 million subscribers by as much as 60 percent.  But, that’s not what got investors excited.  Porn is what got investors revved up.

The announcement prompted a backlash among some subscribers, who vented their anger in comments on Netflix’s blog as well as its Facebook page, where there were nearly 17,000 comments, mostly negative.

“I don’t want porn on my NetFlix!” said Molly Morgan of Wellington, Florida. “Why does porn have to infiltrate every aspect our our lives.”

Other Netflix customers were more upset about the price increase.  “They’re basically doubling the cost of their service.  That sucks,” said Martin Quimby of Charleston, South Carolina.

Mr. Quimby, however, was thrilled to learn NetFlix was going to offer porn to their customers. “This is the best thing they’ve ever done.  I need me my porn.  I watch it every night, right before bed.”

A NetFlix representative said that if the “porn” business does well, they will consider lowering the prices for monthly subscribers.  “If we sell the amount of porn that we expect to sell, we could cut subscriber fees in half, for all customers, by the end of the year.”

NetFlix was surprised to learn that initial reports showed women were streaming the Netflix porn at a much higher rate than men.

But porn is now available to everyone… so go on NetFlix and watch some porn!

WASHINGTON -  A phenomenon known as natural decrease is becoming a pseudo pandemic within the U.S.

Natural decrease is when a region experiences more deaths than births causing the population to slowly decline. Currently, 1 in 4 U.S. counties is experiencing this phenomenon and the number of counties affected is rising at an alarming rate. If measures are not taken soon, the United States of America will simply cease to exist.

A report on this topic by Kenneth Johnson, a sociology professor and demographer at the University of New Hampshire’s Carsey Institute, was recently brought to the attention of Congress. The report cited that extreme actions are required to combat this widespread happening. In addition, it stated that if no action is taken, the economic crisis that the U.S. is currently facing will exponentially amplify causing the nation to become an impoverished war-torn state where adults kill babies for food, further worsening the situation.

Congress determined that the best way to combat natural decrease is to enforce a 21^st century baby boom on all U.S. citizens. In order to create the new boom, Congress has put forth a bill that will ban the sale and use of any contraception in the U.S. until 2024. Some forms of banned contraception included in the bill are: condoms, RU486 (the morning after pill), oral contraceptive birth control (the pill), diaphragms, IUD (intrauterine devices), and early withdrawal. It is still unclear exactly how Congress plans to enforce the ban on the last method.

The logic behind the bill is rooted in the basic principle that the more people who you have in a workforce the more tax revenue you will generate.

Talk of a nation burdened with years of sleepless nights and the landfills overflowing with dirty diapers and forgotten toys was rampant on the floor of the House last week. But in the end, everyone, for once, agreed that this bill would not only help the struggling economy but also resolve concerns that Medicaid and Medicare would run dry.

Advocates of the pornography industry are infuriated by the news sending the industry into a frenzy making plans to leave the U.S. to set up new studios in Canada and Mexico.

“If this bill passes there is now way that we can continue to film in the U.S. unless we allow all of our stars to become pregnant and that just will not do. We are not all into making preggo films,” stated a top executive from the industry, “Not to mention that without the money shot, all of our films will tank.”

Due to the controversial nature of the bill, it will be included on the 2012 ballot allowing U.S. citizens to vote this bill into law. In the mean time cast your vote .

MIAMI FL – Everyone in Miami is in on the porn game and wants to be a star.

Since the beginning of the 1980s, Miami has been seen by many as a dirty, seedy, and unsafe city to inhabit. Drug trafficking reached an all time high in the late 1980s, bringing crime and gruesome violence along with it. Popular culture has depicted this debauchery in movies like Scarface and the hit 1980s TV show Miami Vice. The crime and violence soon came under control in the early 1990s, largely due to the devastation caused by hurricane Andrew.

Now Miami is seeing new kids on the block, taking the place of the once omnipresent drug cartels. Pornography is now the new cash crop in south Florida. Its popularity has grown so much at the tip of the sunshine state, that it is starting to rival the industry of its sister porn city of Los Angeles. Many Miami porn executives even argue that it has surpassed LA, claiming that to film pornography in LA is “so passé”.

Recent 2010 census surveys and tax documentation has uncovered that most everyone living in Miami is now somehow affiliated with the porn industry. School teachers, librarians, doctors, pizza delivery boys and even 7-11 attendants are involved in the industry. Don’t you always wonder how they are able to film these things in libraries, doctor’s offices and the occasional convenience store? It’s because everyone is in on it. They all want a piece of the pie.

Recently, even the Miami-Dade Park & Recreation Department got in on the action. Reality Kings, a Miami based pornography company known for their guerilla style tactics, recently filmed Island Adventures on Monument Island, home of the 110-foot obelisk honoring Florida pioneer Henry Flagler. The movie was posted to their website earlier this month and credited the posting to one “Captain Stabbin.”

Since word of this unsavory affair became public, it has given rise to an investigation to see if any laws were broken by Reality Kings during the filming. Attorneys for the company claim that no laws were broken, as no one from the public was on the island at the time of filming.

“This is not an uninhabited island miles off the coast,” Assistant City Manager Hilda Fernandez rebutted, “It’s in the middle of a very busy bay. You can’t go filming pornos in public parks.”

Currently the investigation has revealed that a junior parks official sanctioned the filming stating, “I thought that it was pretty smart to choose to film the scene in front of the obelisk, being that it is phallic and all, so creative!” Since discovery of the poor judgment call, the junior staffer has been relieved of his position. The incident is still under investigation to determine if Reality Kings will be charged with any wrong dong doing.

NEW YORK, NY – One judge couldn’t seem to kick his “naughty” addiction!

You usually think of a judge as someone that upholds the law. A person that seeks justice and righteousness and looks to set an example. A judge, given the nature of his job, would never have time to waste on pornography. And if he did, assuming his high intellect, he would definitely be a little more discreet about it. Well Judge James Gibbons would like to hit the rewind button because pornography ended up being his downfall.

Gibbons resigned yesterday after officials found a massive porn stash on his work computer. That might have just been the icing on the cake because that wasn’t Gibbons first mishap. The criminal court judge fathered a son with a young Legal Aid lawyer. Guess he lost his judge etiquette book – what a shame!

“There was a lot of porn on his computer – all young women,” an investigator told the Daily News. “Lots of crotch and cleavage shots.”

That’s what you call a fall from grace. Gibbons was once an ace prosecutor who convicted rapists and killers. Now he stands to face criminal charges as the Manhattan district attorney’s office is looking at the files to see if such charges are warranted.

Gibbons – who was not arrested – was caught when a computer-monitoring system in the courthouse red-flagged  his courthouse terminal, a law enforcement source said.

“He was a very careful judge on the law,” lawyer Adam Freedman said. “If he was using his state-issued computer for illegal activities, it would be uncharacteristic, considering how careful he is on the law.”

Gibbons was brief in his resignation letter – needing only three paragraphs to get his point across.

“It has been a privilege to serve as a judge of the Criminal Court of the City of New York,” he wrote. “Please accept this letter as a statement of my resignation of that office effective today.”

I’m madder than a rooster in an empty hen house at Internet spammers and I won’t take it anymore. Those creeps clutter up my e-mail with their junk, everything from penis enlargement pills to some lady telling me she’ll give me a million dollars if I’ll help her get her money out of Africa. “Rush me 10 grand quick as possible and we’ll get the whole thing started,” she says.

Right. As if yours truly is gonna fall for a stupid con like that.

Just the other day I mentioned the enlargement pills to my wife Thelma Jean and she just looked at me and said: “We got four young ‘uns as it is. I reckon you’ve already done enough damage with that thing without it getting any bigger.” Thelma Jean, bless her, always gets right to the heart of the matter.

The spam I really hate is the pornography. I mean, you should see the stuff I get. It’s really vile.

Remember my uncle Luke “Stonewall” Jackson, from the Tennessee hills with the simple son and the bad piles? Well, Uncle Luke once worked in a factory that made ladies’ corsets, so he knows plenty about that sex stuff, but he says the pornographic e-mails he gets make even him blush.

“It’s time the gubmint banned them outright,” Uncle Luke says. “It just ain’t fittin’ for good Christian folks to be seeing that filth.”

Well, I have an idea. We ask the government to get one of their smart lawyers — God knows, there’s plenty of them around — and get them to send a warning letter to the pornography spammers. It should be a real learned letter saying something like: “Don’t send e-mail spam no more or we’ll throw you in jail for 20 years.”

If they ignore that warning, then send in the cops to arrest them and lock them up. Oh, and while they’re at it, the officers should also put the idiots who respond to pornographic e-mails behind bars. They’re just as bad as the spammers and maybe a lot worse. That’s how we can end this plague once and for all. And good riddance, I say.