I’m madder than a sick old coot with a rusty bedpan! You can make fun all you want, but those “Death Panels” are no joke!

First off, Sarah Palin would never lie to you and me. She’s so honest and up front, she doesn’t even hunt with blinds – nope, she swoops right in on a big noisy helicopter so the caribou know she’s coming!

Why are Death Panels so hard to believe? We love our pets, but we still put ‘em down when they get too old and sick and stop being cute.

Now think about it: Half the wives in America want their husbands dead, and vice versa! And who wouldn’t kill their bratty kids, if they knew they could get away with it? Heck, I love my bloodhound more than my damn nephew with his pimples and Pac-Man!

So if the government makes killing legal, and it saves everybody money – you bet there’ll be Death Panels. They’ll give ‘em a nice name like the Community Inhalation Advisory Board, but it’ll be the same thing.

And the first name on the death list will be your old friend Ed Anger!

As a veteran of Pork Chop Hill, I can tell you: they already hand out brochures to old soldiers like me, hinting that we should hurry up and die and get it over with.

And I’m an enemy of the state, to boot! There’s no room in the Teleprompter Kid’s America for a God-fearing patriot like me! When they kill off all the old guys who love the U. S. of A., the only people left with be the Communist-in-Chief and his terrorist friends.

Fight back with everything you’ve got, my fellow fogies! You’ve got nothing to lose but your bingo daubers!

I’m madder than Al Sharpton with a broken megaphone!

Yesterday my nephew sent me a story he found on the computer machine and I’ve had to double up on the oxygen ever since.

Seems this one-time singer named John Mellonhead or something thinks only he should be allowed to speak his mind in these great United States.

He told some interviewer that “mean people” shouldn’t be allowed freedom of speech on the interwebs. Apparently, some people on the innertubes swear too much for his liking. “Not being courteous is not really freedom of speech….” he said.

But then Mellanoma called the “mean people” he doesn’t like… a really mean and dirty swear name! Does that make HIM “mean”, though? Of course not, you idiot! He’s a liberal!

So when Menstrualcramp wrote a song calling George W. Bush “another cheap thug,” that wasn’t mean. He was exercising his right to free speech, which only he has but nobody else.

He gets to sing about hating America and gets paid millions to do it, and have it played all over the radio.

But if I want to say “mean” things about The Teleprompter Kid here on my computer machine and you read it, I should go to jail.

I can’t believe I fought on Pork Chop Hill for this guy’s right to free speech. But I did.

I fought for my OWN rights too, though, and that’s why I get to call him a jackass!

It’s the American way!

Except some law they’re trying to pass would put your old friend Ed Anger in jail for two years for “causing emotional distress” on the computer machine. Folks, I thought that’s what this whole internet thing was FOR!

You won’t let them cart away old Ed, will you, kids?

I’m madder than a flea on a soapy dog! There’s this crazy rumor going around the computers that I’m dead! Well, that’s the dumbest thing I ever heard. If I was dead, how could I be writing this?

What with everybody dying last week, I guess it was bound to happen, but it still ticks me off. I go hiking for a couple of days on the Appalachian Trail, and I get back to find folks peeping on that Peeter.com that I’ve gone to the great Gun Show in the Sky.

Well, you can’t get rid of old Ed Anger that easy. Those Hollywood types might be dropping like flies but I’m made of stronger stuff. I didn’t single-handedly storm Pork Chop Hill, kill a hundred commies and live to tell the tale just to keel over now.

There’s too much that needs to be done to save America and only Ed Anger can do it!

The Teleprompter Kid and the Hair Club for Men Vice President and Nancy Puglosi and Barney Spank are bound and determined to ruin this great country of ours.

They want the DMV and the Post Office to run the hospitals!

They want to take away your house and give it to welfare bums! They want to take away your guns too, and your talk radio shows and your light bulbs and your air conditioning!

Nope, I can’t die now! So I’ve been stocking up on oxygen tanks and canned beans and bottled water. Ed Anger is here for the duration!

So look out, all you leftover hippies and liberal traitors: Ed Anger is still breathing! And as long as I’ve got WD-40 for my wheelchair and a pantry full of tinned chili, I’ll be on your tail.

Consider yourselves warned!

I’m madder than Ted Kennedy at a cash bar! Today’s May 1, the big commie holiday. Yeah, there are still some commies around – old Ed didn’t kill ‘em ALL off in Korea, though I tried my damndest! Got a few of ‘em right between the eyes up on Pork Chop Hill.

Those days are gone. We thought we’d beat the commies, thanks to Reagan the Great – but now there’s a commie in Reagan’s old job! Old Lady Thatcher said Reagan won the Cold War without firing a shot, but Obama won the White House without firing Hillary Clinton.

No, it didn’t take much to fool my fellow Americans. Our government owns the banks and the car companies, posters of Obama are all over the place – America’s turning into North Korea with 7-Elevens.

No wonder Joe McCarthy drank himself to death. Saving your fellow Americans from commies within is a thankless job. Now our colleges are full of them, plus Hollywood, and now Washington: rich people who want everybody to be poor!

And our kids wear t-shirts of that commie Cheeto Guava guy, who killed more people than Charles Manson. Stupid brats don’t realize their hero would strangle them with their own earphone cords for listening to rock & roll.

Their heroes are guys like that Jon Stewart, who just called Harry Truman a “war criminal” on his TV show! Son, that “war criminal” is one the reasons you’re a millionaire today and not a lampshade on Hirohito’s nightstand.

Soon we’re gonna wake up and find they’ve stuck a black beret on the Lincoln Memorial, and carved Castro’s face into Mount Rushmore. For the Communist-in-Chief, every day is May Day in America! We’re doomed!

I’m madder than Ben Franklin with a busted kite!

Those tofu-sucking enviro-nuts are all over our (electric) TVs and (electric) computers, telling us to turn OFF the electricity for an hour on Saturday night. That’s crazy!

First off, everyone knows what happens when there’s a real blackout: nine months later, you’ve got a mess of screaming babies! But those green freaks hate overpopulation, too. These bamboo-brained hippies haven’t thought this through, as usual.

Besides, I didn’t lose a toe to frostbite on Porkchop Hill so I’d live in a U. S. of A. without lights and heat and my “America’s Most Wanted.”

So here’s my plan: find out when you’re supposed to turn the lights out, and turn them all on. You hillbillies with Christmas lights still up? For once, you did good: snap ‘em on.

Borrow the worst mileage truck you can find, lower the tire pressure, then drive to the dump and throw out all that stuff you aren’t supposed to, like bleach bottles and Styrofoam peanuts. Celebrate by going to the fast food drive through and going around and around, ordering just one item at a time! Then eat in the car and throw the litter out the window.

Go home and put the furnace on high – then turn up your air conditioning to cancel it out! Flush the toilet every hour on the hour. (This is where prostate trouble comes in real handy!) Slice up a bunch of old tires with your gassiest chainsaw, and set ‘em on fire! You won’t hear your neighbors complain cuz all your radios and TVs will be blasting.

Let those dirty hippie traitors sit in the dark this Saturday night like a bunch of commies. All us true Americans will be making them cry!

Here’s one my grandson told me: “What’s the difference between Jesus and Obama? Jesus knew how to build a cabinet!”

The Communist-in-Chief says he’s gonna create millions of jobs, but he can’t even fill the jobs at the White House.

The cops just raided the house of one fellow he picked. Still another guy he hired had to quit before he even started: turns out he said 9/11 was our fault and the Chi-coms should’ve run over more kids with more tanks in that Teenieman Square.

Are the only people Obama knows crazy or crooks or both? Maybe he should just do like everyone else — drive down to Home Depot and pick up a dozen Mexicans.  They’d work a lot cheaper than the Communist-in-Chief’s fancy friends. And they could tend the Rose Garden on the side – that marijuana for Obama’s unicorn doesn’t grow itself!

I’m surprised the Communist-in-Chief hasn’t just hired Bernie MadeOff to run Fort Knox. At least we know in advance he’s a crook!

Then after all that, Chicago Midway airport is already changing its name to “Barack Obama International.” Hell, the Battle of Midway practically went on longer than Obama’s been President.

As a red, white and blue blooded veteran of Pork Chop Hill myself, I’m angry as all get out. But then again, changing the name from a winning battle to this loser President kinda fits. Airports are where they steal your stuff, won’t tell you what’s really going on, treat you like a criminal and charge you ten bucks for coffee.

Sounds like Obama’s America to me!

I’m madder than Sigmund Freud with a busted stogie about that crazy woman at the New York Times!

I hear through the computer machine that that stupid paper printed a story about ladies having dirty dreams about the new Communist-in-Chief.

I thought maybe it was a lie. After all, the New York Slimes is always putting out made up stories, when it’s not ignoring real ones – like that one fellow covering up Commie mass murders, and winning that big Pull Your Leg Prize for his troubles.

But this new story looks legit! Seems all these ladies are daydreaming about the Teleprompter Kid. I tell you: their stories made this old veteran of Pork Chop Hill turn a new shade of crimson.

Listen up, all you (real) red, white and blue-blooded American ladies (New York Slimes scribblers don’t count) – you aren’t supposed to have funny thoughts about the President, not even a pretty much fake one like the Communist-in-Chief.

Did our foremothers dream of running their fingers through George Washington’s powdered wig? Or squeezing into the tub with Taft? Did they giggle when they said “Herbert Hoover”?

No, they did not. They were too busy milking cows and scrubbing floors and doing all the things ladies are supposed to do. They certainly weren’t writing silly stories for the New York Slimes and getting each other all worked up! And over what? That scrawny jug- eared whippersnapper with the funny name!

Mrs. America, you’d best quit your daydreaming and get back to your needlepoint. From now on, do your duty: close your eyes and remember the Alamo!

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