FORT HONOR, OH– There’s a rumbling in this small Ohio town  - and it’s not coming from the ground.

Fort Honor residents  have been fielding more than just high gas prices. Between excessive flatulence and an excessive amount of time on the toilet, people in Fort Honor needed answers.  When they turned to a scientist to query their wind-breaking woes, his findings rocked the town.

“Quite simply, there are large traces of laxative in the water,” the scientist said. “I’ve tested tap water in homes all over the area, and no house has been spared.”

Often taken for constipation, laxatives have been known to cause stomach cramps for some — and even explosive diarrhea for others. Abuse can bring even more issues than an individual had initially. And the biggest problem, according to the scientist, arises out of prolonged exposure.

“No one is supposed to have this much laxative in their system,” the scientist said. “The more you take it, the prone you are to damage in your colon and intestines. As far as why it’s happening, I just don’t know how anything like this is possible, considering there are no laxative factories in the area.”

Though no culprits have stepped forward, one area man thinks he has figured out the responsible party.

“I blame it on a certain retail chain,” said musician Bart Hammond, pointing to a nearby department store. “How do you get people to come to your store and buy stuff like toilet paper and medicine? Make them really need it. Besides — who else is going to have all that laxative?”

Though authorities have neither confirmed nor denied Hammond’s claim, an investigation is currently under way. Until the problem is stopped, residents have been encouraged to depend on spring water, which can be purchased at their local retailer.

ALTURAS, CA – A frazzled, young government researcher says she’s sick and tired of caring for the baby Bigfoot who was captured by scientists – because the squalling, rambunctious furball is a brat!

“I thought being mom to a newborn Bigfoot would be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity – but I had no idea what I was getting into,” admits zoologist Dr. Megan Dulowsky.

“The Bigfoot cub, whose name is Jethro, is a little monster. He’s bitten me dozens of times hard enough to draw blood; he’ll grab my hair and swing on it like an ape; if his formula isn’t exactly right, he’ll spit it in my face, and… and he throws poop at me!” she confessed, eyes welling with tears of frustration.

“He’s frighteningly strong – when a doctor tried to take his temperature, Jethro grabbed the man’s arm and broke it like a twig. To be frank, I just can’t take this anymore!”

The amazing cub first came to light in August, when a ranger revealed that he’d been found in Yellowstone National Park.  The scientists needed someone to care for the furry newborn, who must be nursed from a bottle – and 31-year-old Dr. Dulowsky, who lives alone on a remote ranch outside Alturas, seemed like the natural choice.

“When they asked for a volunteer to look after Jethro, I jumped at the chance,” she said. But after two months of riding herd over the frisky creature, the lady scientist admits she’s ready to throw in the towel.

Dr. Dulowsky says she’s under strict orders from the Interior Department not to talk about the Bigfoot baby. But she felt violating the gag order was vital for Jethro’s welfare. “I cannot take care of Jethro, and neither can any other human,” she said.

“He should be returned to his natural mom as soon as possible!”

Have you seen Big Momma? E-mail Sarah Haddad at writers@wwnzone.com and let us know!