WASHINGTON — BidenBot, the lifelike, cybernetic machine that poses as Vice President Joe Biden during most of his public appearances, has malfunctioned again during a recent press conference.

During a rousing speech on student loan interest, the vice president suddenly appeared frozen with its eyes and mouth open. Reporters and aides looked on as smoke began to emanate from the machine’s ears. The conference was quickly canceled.

The administration rolled out BidenBot in response to several flubs and gaffes for which the vice president was responsible in the past 4 years. Notable occasions include referring to the president as “Barack America” during the 2008 campaign, cursing during the signing of the health care overhaul and advising Americans not to fly during the swine flu outbreak.

“We think the vice president is great,” said one vice presidential aide, “but we just couldn’t risk any more of these kinds of situations — especially in an election year. To let his incredible work in office speak for itself, we decided to create a robotic version of the vice president. No one notices usually, but unfortunately, today was a rare mishap.”

The last notable malfunction that occurred during a key 2011 speech from President Obama on the federal budget. While many thought the vice president had simply fallen asleep, it was later reported that BidenBot had a low battery and was forced to power down to “hibernation mode.”

As far as Biden’s own feelings about having the robot represent him, the vice presidential aide was quick to assure his approval.

“He understood and actually welcomed the idea,” the aide said. “He’s able to get much more done behind the scenes this way. And if President Obama and Vice President Biden are elected into another term, we don’t expect to need BidenBot quite as much in the coming years. Most likely, the robot will be repurposed to smaller appearances like state fairs and town hall meetings.

ALABAMA – At a campaign stop in Selma, Newt Gingrich took the stage… then disappeared!

Sources in Alabama say Republican Presidential candidate, Newt Gingrich, fell into a wormhole, and was heading back to the planet that, some say, he originally came from.

“Newt came him from Planet Boron and it looks like he’s heading back there for a while,” said a campaign adviser to Gingrich.

Some have said before that Newt is living in an alternate reality, but sources close to his campaign say that the public has misinterpreted Gingrich.  “People think he is out of touch with mainstream America, but it’s really not his fault.  He’s from another planet, and has traveled back-and-forth through a wormhole for years.  It has altered his view of the world, but it has not altered his reality.”

Sources in Georgia say that Gingrich was attracted his wife, Callista, because she is also from Planet Boron and that they met while traveling through the wormhole together.

“Callista is a perfect match for Gingrich,” said a friend of Callista’s.  “They understand each other, because they are both from another planet.  They even speak in high-pitched tones that only they can understand.  It’s really cute.”

Gingrich still holds onto hope that he will be President of the United States.  Some alien experts believe that Gingrich didn’t “fall” into the wormhole, but rather was called back to Planet Boron by the elders of the planet, so that they can “smack some sense into him.”

Meanwhile, rumors that Gingrich is pregnant are not true.  Yes, he looks like his carrying an alien baby… but he is not.

According to reports, Republicans are employing 12-year-old “child prodigy” Billy Hogbin for the fall presidential election.
WASHINGTON — Though the GOP’s presidential candidate is yet to be determined, the Republican Party has already lined up one Mississippi-based politico to aid the campaign to defeat President Barack Obama this fall. His name is Billy Hogbin, and he’s 12.

Don’t let his age fool you, though — according to insiders, Hogbin is a child prodigy, a genius when it comes to plotting and taking down political adversaries. After providing a crushing defeat against Missy Likens to take the class president post for his third-grade class, Hogbin rose through the ranks to elect his father Brooks County assessor, manage an uncle’s mayoral campaign and, finally, was a key figure in several Southern governorships. He went on to author three books on campaigning, as well as maintain the popular conservative blog titled “Simply Hogbin.”

According to him, it’s all about image.

“The goal is to make yourself look like a good guy — like a super hero or a firefighter,” Hogbin said. “And the other guy’s a poo-poo head, so make sure you call him a ‘poo-poo head.’”

Many of the prominent GOP elite praise Hogbin’s innovation.

“His brilliance is unmatched,” said one proponent, who asked to not be named. “I’ve never seen anyone with the kind of election savvy this kid’s got. Remember ‘No-bama’ or ‘We speak English, learn it’? Those were Hogbin. Just brilliant. Just the kind of fresh eyes the party needs.”

Though voters have yet to see who Hogbin will be helping to attain a victory this fall, plans against Obama have already leaked, including “Democrats? More like DUMB-ocrats” and “Obama? LOL.”

HAVANA, CUBA – Fidel Castro met with US lawmakers for the first time in years this Tuesday.  Political expert the Alien was on hand to assist with the talks. 
Washington is attempting to warm up relations with the communist country, including lifting the ban on American travel and the long held trade embargo.

The Alien, acting as an outside opinion, agreed that a furthered dialogue could be beneficial for both nations.

“The Cold War is long over.  There is no reason these two nations should not pursue a dialogue which could be mutually beneficial.”

Fidel Castro requested the Alien specifically to help mediate the meeting.  It was during the most heated portion of America’s relationship with Cuba that the Alien crash landed in Roswell New Mexico.  At the time Castro was obsessed with learning what advantages, technological or political, the Alien may be giving his cold war adversaries.  Finally seeing the Alien, knowing with certainty he exists and even talking with him, was the realization of a long held dream for Mr. Castro.

The meeting focused on the normalization between the two countries, and what that could mean.  Fidel and his brother Raul Castro believe that the Obama administration may be able to finally open the doors between the neighboring countries.

After the meeting Fidel took the Alien aside to ask about the part he played in “the old days.”  The Alien, although very polite, seemed very uncomfortable and kept giving the ‘help me’ signal to his fellow delegates.

The typically staunch communist leader seemed very keen on seeing improved US Cuba relations within his lifetime, and sent all the delegates home with large boxes of cigars and novelty military hat /fake beard sets.

That Obama really smashes my atoms!

The Communist-in-Chief just said he wants to ban all nuclear bombs. When he says such stupid, corny stuff, he sounds more like Miss America than the President. Except beauty queens don’t need Teleprompters! (And I’d like to see Obama twirl a baton while we’re at it!)

Nukes are what made America great! First off, they helped us win World War II. We had to nuke the Japs twice to get ‘em to smarten up, but it worked! All they did later was make a bunch of crappy Godzilla movies about giant radiation monsters. The Japs seem just as crazy now than they did before we bombed them, but at least they leave us alone!

Then we used nukes to scare the Russians into leaving us alone. Turns out they were just a bunch of drunks who couldn’t find the nuke button anyway. Losers!

If we outlaw nukes, then only outlaws will have them. Those sneaky Iranians and Koreans won’t give theirs up. I know those Koreans first hand – I fought them on Pork Chop Hill and you can’t trust them as far as you can throw a grenade. They’re jealous because Japan and China are like their cooler older brothers who got all the fancy outfits and takeout food that dumb Westerners like so much. Come on: it’s not like anybody’s gonna buy a snow globe full of barbequed beef.

Nukes create jobs for American scientists and factory workers and spies, not to mention all those anti-war hippies who need something to protest!

Mark my words: if Teleprompter Kid gets his way, he’ll turn West Point into a “Full Monty” touring company!

ATLANTA, GA – Following four extra weeks of campaigning, Democratic challenger, Jim Martin lost by an impressive 15 percent.

On Election Day, no single candidate received 50 percent of the votes plus one, so under Georgia election law, the race would bpe decided by a run-off election of the top two candidates, Martin and incumbent Republican Saxby Chambliss.

“This was an important race for the Democrats,” PhD Ape said in a statement early this morning, “with two races lingering and two seats away from a filibuster proof super-majority in the Senate, Democrats were fighting hard for Georgia.  Not only were their hopes of that majority dashed last night, so too were their hopes of Georgia turning blue.”

“Jim Martin is a good man and dedicated public servant.  He looks forward to continuing to serve the people of Georgia by doing… whatever it is he did before running for Senate.”

The run-off election brought out some of the brightest stars on both sides of the aisle.  Chambliss rolled out former Massachusetts’ Governor Mitt Romney as well as failed VP-candidate Sarah Palin.  Martin had the support of Vice President Al Gore in addition to political consultants Ludacris and TI.

Despite Ludacris’ confusing performance of his hit single ‘Politics’ in which he criticizes not only President Bush but also Hillary Clinton and John McCain, it was not enough to save Martin from an embarrassing loss.

CHICAGO, IL – Shocking both the hip-hop and the political worlds, Kanye West and John McCain announced that they have developed a joint clothing line.

The gear, called McKainye, will be a blend of conservative styles typically associated with politicians, the free-spirited styles typically associated with hip-hop artists, and the narcissistic feel that’s unique to Kanye West.  “McKainye – Reaching Way Across the Aisle,” is both the tag line for the apparel and the title to the duet the pair recorded to promote their new venture.

Making the merger even more bizarre, West has been vocal against the current Republican administrations.  The rapper/philanthropist made headlines in 2005 during a benefit show for victims of Hurricane Katrina by going off script and saying “George Bush doesn’t care about black people.”

“McCain’s good people,” said West.  “He’s no Bush.  This is the right thing for the country right now.”

McCain couldn’t be contacted for a comment, as he’s still very busy with his bid to become the next president of the United States.  There is no support to the charge that McCain has been throwing the election in order to promote the apparel and eventually record a solo album.

McKainye will hit the stores in mid-November of this year.

NEW YORK – Viewers of Fox News morning talk show, Morning Joe, report seeing political pundit Karl Rove’s brain escaping his head mid-sentence.  Karl Rove’s brain reportedly flew through the studios until it found an open door.

Upon exiting the building, the brain flew south on 6th Avenue knocking over three people wearing Obama For President t-shirts before ascending into the sky and entering a waiting alien ship.

“This is not change we can believe in.  Its more of the same!” Vice Presidential Candidate Joe Biden is quoted as saying after hearing of the incident.

Back in the studio, Morning Joe kept rolling.

“He just kept on talking.  It was like nothing changed once his brain left,” says Morning Joe host Joe Scarborough, confirming long-standing allegations that the words that come out of Karl Rove’s mouth are not the result of a properly functioning brain.

When asked about this morning’s events, MSNBC anchor, Keith Olbermann replied, “I was actually more surprised by the angel wings.  I really thought it would have been bats wings, or serpent wings.  Who would have thought angel wings on Karl Rove’s brain?”

Sightings of the alien ship were reported throughout the morning above major cities on the East Coast.  Stay tuned for more information regarding the whereabouts of the alien aircraft transporting Karl Rove’s brain.

Following Sarah Palin’s emergence on the national stage, the blogosphere lit up with reports that Governor Palin does not actually hail from Wasilla, Alaska but from a planet known as Wazeela.

The tiny planet, which is located some 37,000 miles due east from the Sun, is known to be rich with fossil fuels that lie beneath snow-capped peaks.

Internet reports also cited the particularly short 5-month gestation period of Wazeela females as proof that Palin was, in fact, a Palien.