PHOENIX, AZ – After losing the 2008 presidential election by nearly 200 electoral votes and nearly six percent of the popular vote, Senator John McCain is understandably in very low spirits.

Before the polls even closed on the West Coast and the Big Sky states, PhD Ape was on a plane from New York, where he was counseling Guy Ritchie, to Arizona.

“John McCain will wake up tomorrow with a headache the likes he has never experienced,” PhD Ape told reporters at JFK International Airport in New York before boarding a plane.

“He has months and months worth of regrettable decisions all weighing down on his shoulders.  He will be reviewing all of those decisions, thinking ‘what if?’  It’s a very difficult time in a politicians life.”

PhD Ape has previously counseled failed politicians Barry Goldwater in 1964 and Al Gore in 2000.

“Fortunately the holidays are coming up.  It will be welcome distraction for John, and he has the next 2 months to come to terms with his failures,” PhD Ape told reporters waiting his arrival in Phoenix.

“By the time he returns to the Senate in the new year, John will be a confident, powerful leader in the Senate.   But it will take weeks and weeks of counseling.”

PRUDHOE BAY, AK -  Something is emerging from Hell!

That is the horrifying warning of more than 60 eyewitnesses who have seen the monstrous shape roaring out of a mile-deep Alaskan oil well amid stinking clouds of sulfur.

“If I had not seen it with my own eyes, I would not believe it,” said John Merritt, a foreman with BP, which operates the oil field.

“The giant demon head of Satan has already escaped and his body has been slowly coming out for weeks.

“White-hot flames are billowing out of the well, the skies have been darkened by strange clouds and the area is full of an evil stench so oppressive and overpowering that most people can only stand to remain there for a few minutes.”

The oil field, about 400 miles north of Fairbanks, has been ordered shut down by the government and the area has been cordoned off. Only military and clergymen who have been called in by the oil company to aid in the crisis are admitted to the area, and Alaskan officials have slapped a tight lid of secrecy over the story.

Many are looking to politicians for a response; Alaska’s reserves have been a source of this year’s presidential debates over energy independence.

Alaskan Governor and Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin immediately downplayed the incident, stating, “This is nothing to worry about! It’s just the Devil playing tricks on us! He wants to see our country run out of oil, just like the terrorists. We gotta stand up for ourselves and keep on drilling!”

Delaware Senator and Vice-Presidential candidate Joe Biden was far more concerned. “I have consistently voted against exploration in the Alaskan National Wildlife Reserve, and this is the perfect example why. We don’t yet know the long-term environmental effects, let alone Biblical ones.”

As for the hole? “No one is allowed within 50 feet of the oil well,” said foreman Merritt. “We’re just waiting to see what happens next.”