GERMANY – Knut the cute polar bear – is dead.  Killed by aliens.

Knut the cute polar bear who went on public display for the first time at Berlin Zoo in March 2007 when he was a one-year-old has died.  He was won over the hearts around the world with his innocent eyes staring out at the strange, unnatural world of his captivity.

He’s dead. Knut was found lying face down dead in the pool.  Zoologists are not sure what the cause of death, but they suspect heart failure.   But WWN learned that aliens killed Knut.

Knut’s life incorporated a multi-million-euro industry in Knut paraphernalia, a court battle over his ownership, calls for his death, and then for his castration, and an ongoing debate about the ethics of keeping big wild animals in confinement.

Knut died on Saturday afternoon at the age of four. In the wild he could have expected to live to 15 or 20, while captive polar bears are known to be capable of living twice that long, being freed from the constraints of hunger and the bitter Arctic climate.

John Malley, the leading expert on the U.N. Panel on Extraterrestrials examined the body of Knut and said that Knut had The Mark of the Alien on his paws.  “Knut was clearly killed by an alien from Planet Zeeba.”

Knut flourished and was the first polar bear to be born and survive in the Berlin Zoo for more than 30 years. The cub appeared with Leonardo DiCaprio on the cover of Vanity Fair, courtesy of the photographer Annie Leibovitz. The German National Mint produced 25,000 silver coins in his honour, and his image appear on postage stamps and countless items of memorabilia.

Knut’s celebrity status was helped no doubt by his photogenic qualities but also by the public outcry that followed comments allegedly made by a German animal activist who had dared to suggest that Knut should have been put down rather than forced to live the degrading life of a domestic pet. Children stormed Berlin Zoo, holding up placards reading “Knut Must Live” and “We Love Knut”.

Malley said that he expects aliens to kill more polar bears that are being held in captivity.  “Aliens do not approve of animals being held captive for the sole purpose of entertaining human beings. They are going to free the animals or kill them.”

NEW YORK – The Queens Polar Bear Club hit the East River this morning for its annual New Year’s dip.

The Queens Polar Bear Club held their annual New Year’s swim and a record number of ice-water-loving New Yorkers took the plunge.  It started last night with a “dip-and-a-soak” at 4 a.m. and then the full Lunatic Swim got underway at 8 a.m.

The Queens Polar Bear Club once again jumped into the frigid East River.  And it looked quite inviting this morning:

The  swim was open to all hearty souls living in Queens who wanted to start 2011 right.

The NYC Parks Department provided changing facilities on Long Island City and the pre-party took place at LIC Bar. The after-party is underway in Lou Grimaldi’s basement and it’s a wild one – lots of  “guidos in speedos.”   Don’t just head over there though, because you can’t get in “unless you know somebody, you know what I mean?”  Grimaldi said.  However, if you have frostbite and/or icicles on your nipples,  “we’ll make an exception.”

The Queens Polar Bear Club is led by Elio Emiliani, a real estate sub-mogul who owns three studio condos on Jackson Avenue and several cemeteries in upstate New York.   Magdalena Estanada, who is the head of the Polar Bear Blanket Committee, also owns several properties upstate – some of the best meth labs in the country.

Here’s Elio and Magdalena with two friends at 4 a.m. this morning in the East River:

Long time Queens residents and former Olympic gold-medal swimmers, Jane Ulf and Elisabeth Vincent, (along with five Russian KGB agents)  led the stout group of three hundred Polar Bears into the East River.

This year only seventy-five people had to be taken to the Queensbridge Medical Center.  Not for hypothermia or frostbite, but because toxic waste was inhaled by swimmers or seeped into their skins.

Mayor Bloomberg was pleased that only 25% of the Polar Bears were hospitalized this year.  “This is even more proof that our efforts to clean up the East River are working.”

The East River is open all day for more intrepid Queens Polar Bears.   So what are you waiting for?  Get out there and jump in the East River!

SVALBARD, NORWAY – Cindy McCain will return to her ice kingdom following the November elections should her husband not be victorious.

Longstanding rumors allege Mrs. McCain has difficulties remaining for long periods of time in the hot temperatures of Arizona and Washington DC’s summer seasons.

Mrs. McCain, heiress to an American beer fortune, is also the Queen of Svalbard, the northernmost province of Norway.  Although the archipelago is technically part of Norway, the Norwegian government leaves all authority over the province to Mrs. McCain.

“We have treaties and we have an armistice line.  We don’t cross and thank heavens those creatures don’t cross either,” Morten Wetland, Norway’s Permanent Representative to the United Nations said through a translator.

The creatures that Wetland refers to, in addition to Mrs. McCain herself, include The United Tribes of the Three Polar Bear Legions as well as the Worg Enclave and the Sasquatch Nation.

While under McCain’s despotic rule, peace has been achieved among the bears, wolves and sasquatches.  In Wetland’s own words, “Thank the heavens the Ice Witch does not turn her icy glare south. “

Should Senator McCain lose his bid for the presidency, it is feared that Mrs. McCain will mobilize her minions from the ice kingdom to wage a war of revenge against America and her allies.

Stay tuned for updates as they become available.