The thunder of Zeus be upon you, O mortals! Your leaders have announced a great summit to address global warming this coming May.It is obvious that they intend to seek an audience with I, Poseidon, the immortal deity of the deep.

Although this post-industrial sorcery has left me sweaty and bloated, I am still omnipotent, mortals. I carry your fate in my hands, your life on my back. Yet still my hands go unwashed, and my back remains oily. Between tanker spills and pattern dryness, my godly visage has become worn and weary.

So it is with an all-powerful spirit of cautious optimism that I greet this news. I need none of your sympathy, but it would be nice if I had it. An occasional goat sacrifice might go down pretty well, too. And if your weak, flesh-bound leaders wish to meet me halfway, I may be willing to grant you a merciful passage on this salty earth.

Fools! You have engaged in the terrible heresy of monotheistic cults! You have abandoned the graven images that once granted you glory in battle and plenty in peace! You have worshipped a false God, a betrayal that would surely have led you to a chalice of hemlock if the great Pericles still reigned!

Socrates. Plato. Aristotle. Do you believe that these great men simply got it wrong when they worshipped me as a true and glorious god? Do you consider yourselves to be wiser than they? Pitiful mortals, your planet burns! Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, Confucianism, Buddhism, Sikhism, Judaism…In the words of Phil, that shiny-headed heir to Hippocrates: How’s that working for you?

What you mortals need is some of that ancient time religion: the faith that those philosopher kings and Mediterranean island-dwellers of 3000 years past knew to be true.

Greetings Sentients!  Once again this is your most humble host and educator of all things epicurean MYGAR. 
With the changing of seasons upon us it falls upon me to share my knowledge of the best travel destinations on the planet.  Below is a list of the greatest destinations, and greatest deals for the trans-galactic traveler on a budget.  Enjoy!

Venice.  Hotels in the submerged portions of the city have been set up for water breathing life forms and are some of the best in this section of the galaxy.

Teotihuacan.  If you can travel through time, their restaurants in 40 bc were beyond delight.  And don’t forget to take in a ball game, even if you know who wins its fun to watch.  Even the contemporary ruins of this once glorious civilization are still a marvel and worth the trip.

Dixie County Florida.  Florida’s gulf coast is home to some of the planet’s best beaches.  Off the shore of Dixie Country Manatees gather each spring for poetry readings and philosophical debates that outsiders are welcome to attend.

Tempe Arizona.  Hyperdrive drag racing over the Arizona desert has been a tradition here for decades.  See the best of the best compete for bragging rights.  New laws have made it more difficult to harass the local population with probing.

Dollywood in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee.  All Hail the retired empress of the Tulurgian Empire!  Since abdicating her throne some 40 years ago the former Empress has passed the time as a country and western singer and opened a self-styled theme park.  The funnel cakes are so good, you won’t care they’re made of people.

Thessaloniki, Greece.  Snorkel with the Kraken off the shores of this Mediterranean isle.  Enjoy dinner on a restaurant patio overlooking the cliffs where the local Sirens perform nightly.

London, UK.  Like most advanced life forms in the galaxy we all know the prophecy of what will happen to this great metropolis in 2012.  Book a space now to see the fireworks!

Dubai.  Due to a well concealed zombie outbreak no one else is here now.  And someone needs to stay in all those new hotels.

King William Island, Northern Canada.  Big game hunters will want to catch the Tuunboq, a giant snow monster which can eat humans whole.  Enjoy the psychic enhancing effects of being near the magnetic north pole.

Atlantis.  Due to a slumping economy visiting this sunken kingdom has become easier than ever.  Although some will claim that it has become overrun by the tourist market, a recent downturn in their economy has forced a great deal of scaling back and family owned businesses are making a comeback.

And that, my friends, rounds out my list of the best deals in travel for this lovely little planet.  Please explore this precious sphere in your own way and try to be patient with local lifeforms.

As always, your humble servant, MYGAR