NEW YORK, NY – Aviation hero Chelsey Sullenberger is getting the network talk show treatment.  In recognition of successfully landing US Air flight 1549 in the Hudson River last January, Sullenberger is being given his own morning talk show on Fox.

Executives wish to honor the Air Force veteran’s status as a genuine American hero, so they’ll be putting him in the coveted 10am slot opposite Regis and Kelly.

After losing both engines over New York City and successfully landing his plane in the Hudson River with zero casualties, a feat aviation specialists have called miraculous, Fox executives stated, “Hosting a morning show should be no problem!”

Following in the footsteps of Wayne Brady and Tony Danza, Sullenberger will host the show called “Morning Take Off with Cpt. Sully.”  It will have a strong variety element as well, featuring special guests, talent segments, song and dance numbers, emergency survival tips, and personal stories of heroism told by Sullenberger in the set’s breakfast nook.

Every Friday the show will unveil a new house that Sullenberger built with his bare hands in his free time, and present it to an underprivileged family.

As part of the series’ kick-off, the first week will feature segments where Captain Sullenberger air drops humanitarian aid under enemy fire into places like North Korea, Burma, and Sierra Leone.

UPDATE: A true patriot sent me this photo – PROOF that our Northern border is vulnerable to terrorist invasion!

My fellow Americans, if you’re like me, you’re so sick of politics you could puke up a kidney.

It’s like my TV’s got only one channel and it’s an Urkel marathon.

I just know the new Communist-in-Chief is coming to steal my guns and my rabbit ears and my brand new turkey deep fryer from Bass Pro. I’m so worked up, my doctor says I can’t write about politics for a while, dagnabbit.

So here’s something else that’s been burning my bunions. Remember that airplane that landed on the river in New York last week? They say a bunch of Canada geese flew into the engines and made it crash.

Now ladies and gentlemen, I still remember the good old days when geese flew south for the winter. What in blazes were they doing up north in the middle of January?

Well, do-gooders feed those damn geese in the park, that’s what! It’s downright unnatural. If those do-gooders hadn’t fed the geese, they would’ve flown down South like the Good Lord meant them too, and crashed some commie Cuban airplane instead of one of ours.

Now, I don’t care much for that weirdo mayor they’ve got in the Big Apple. But seeing as he loves banning everything, he should ban feeding geese in Central Park. It’s bad enough the damn dirty things crap Tootsie Roll turds all over the place. Now they’re crashing planes like the terrorist foreigners they are!

If Rudy the Great was still in charge, those freeloading, pooping-in-public Canada geese would’ve been shipped back to Canuckistan long ago!

Some folks say we should feed the geese to the homeless. Heck, I say: feed the homeless to the geese, then ship ‘em back to Draftdoger Central!

NEW YORK, NY – US Airways flight 1549 made an emergency water landing in the Hudson River just after 3:30pm yesterday afternoon. Initial reports suggesting the plane struck a flock of geese have been dismissed with the discovery of new evidence confirming that the plane struck and killed the religious icon Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Just minutes after take off from Laguardia Airport, passengers felt a hard bump, and several saw noodles fly by their windows.  Esther Rossdale, 63, saw what she described as “a large meatball caught in the engine.  Lord a’mighty I thought I was hallucinatin’!”

Eyewitnesses from Manhattan’s west side confirm seeing the Flying Spaghetti Monster, most likely responding to someone’s prayers in the financial district, crashed into the front window.

Pilot Chelsey Sullenberger altered the planes course and brought it down for a smooth water landing in the river that separates New York and New Jersey.  For the first time in commercial aviation, no casualties were reported from a water landing.  Passengers stood on the wings, quietly munching on spaghetti while waiting for emergency services.

At first, rescue crews thought the crash was brought on by a bird strike, most likely geese getting caught in an engine.  But when they arrived, the safety investigative crews began finding various types of noodles and meatballs caught in the intake and eventually the body in the window, confirming eyewitness reports.

Some have wondered if Sullenberger’s near miraculous landing was made possible by a last act of magical intervention from Flying Spaghetti Monster.  However most experts agree that FSM was far too self absorbed for such an act, and he probably died trying to save himself.

No official word yet has been made from religious communities about Flying Spaghetti Monsters demise.  The religious icon was a strong opponent to creationism and intelligent design.  His loss will be mourned in universities and science labs around the world.