PHOENIX – The Arizona Diamondbacks signed Charlie Sheen as a reserve second baseman for the remainder of the season.

Charlie Sheen, who starred in the Major League movies, took a tryout with the Arizona Diamondbacks and the club was so impressed they signed him to a contract for the rest of the 2011 season, as they look to solidify their lead at the top of the NL West.

However,  Sheen took batting practice with the team over the weekend and the former actor damaged his arm and he was forced to watch the game from the stands.  The team expects him to be able to play with the team when they travel to Atlanta next weekend.

The 46-year-old actor, now ballplayer, shrugged off the injury.  ”It’s nothing, I hurt my elbow more jacking off.”

Lyle Overbay, first baseman for the Diamondbacks, welcomes the addition of Sheen.  ”People can say what they want, but Sheen is a damn good ballplayer.  He’ll add depth to our team as we head for the stretch.”

J.J. Putz, the Aritzona pitcher, is a good friend of Sheen.  ”I know Charlie wants to pitch, but he doesn’t have the arm for it anymore.  Maybe ten years ago, he could have pitched.  But, we are happy to have his bat in the lineup and he’s still a great fielding second baseman. We’re thrilled to have him.”

The troubled actor played baseball throughout highs school and college and was drafted by The New York Yankees, but he took the lead in the hit movie Wall Street instead.

Sheen told WWN:  ”Baseball was never just a hobby, it’s my religion, my purpose.  Baseball is all that matters in my life now.

The former cocaine addict was so pleased to be offered a contract with the Diamondbacks, that he compared the buzz he got from the news to the high of smoking crack.

PHOENIX, AZ – Charles Barkley was spotted on another law-breaking ride, with a familiar passenger in tow!

After being arrested on December 31st for DUI, it was expected that Charles Barkley would lay low for awhile. But the former basketball player turned liberal commentator was photographed driving through the Arizona countryside with Bat Boy shrieking through the open-top convertible.

Gila County Police were not happy with Barkley’s apparent driving conduct. Chief Lenny Williams stated, “We have no evidence of whether Mr. Barkley was driving under the influence, or even driving over the speed limit. We are most concerned with the fact that the shirtless child in the passenger seat was not wearing a seat belt.

“It’s state law that children age 16 and under must wear a seat belt when riding in the front vehicle seat. Mutant or not, Mr. Barkley was in charge of him and he failed. This only confirms his statements early in his career that athletes should not be role models.”

Weekly World News was not able to secure a statement from Barkley on how he knows Bat Boy, but Bat Boy seems to associate himself with celebrities who look like him, such as James Blake and Mena Suvari.

PHOENIX, AZ – After losing the 2008 presidential election by nearly 200 electoral votes and nearly six percent of the popular vote, Senator John McCain is understandably in very low spirits.

Before the polls even closed on the West Coast and the Big Sky states, PhD Ape was on a plane from New York, where he was counseling Guy Ritchie, to Arizona.

“John McCain will wake up tomorrow with a headache the likes he has never experienced,” PhD Ape told reporters at JFK International Airport in New York before boarding a plane.

“He has months and months worth of regrettable decisions all weighing down on his shoulders.  He will be reviewing all of those decisions, thinking ‘what if?’  It’s a very difficult time in a politicians life.”

PhD Ape has previously counseled failed politicians Barry Goldwater in 1964 and Al Gore in 2000.

“Fortunately the holidays are coming up.  It will be welcome distraction for John, and he has the next 2 months to come to terms with his failures,” PhD Ape told reporters waiting his arrival in Phoenix.

“By the time he returns to the Senate in the new year, John will be a confident, powerful leader in the Senate.   But it will take weeks and weeks of counseling.”

PHOENIX, AZ – With his presidential bid seen as lost, John McCain is putting a Flux Capacitor on the Straight Talk Express. It appears that the GOP is resorting to time travel to secure the election.  McCain is expected to travel back in time later this evening and change several strategies of his earlier campaign.

Campaign officials have gone on record assuring voters that the time machine is eco-friendly and will run on all natural fusion from renewable Venusian grade Dark Matter.

There is much speculation about what strategic changes McCain will make, including whether he will pick a new running mate.  When asked about having her relevancy erased from existence, Palin instead talked about American Exceptionalism and rural anecdotes.

A functional time machine is currently being installed by the MIT Motor-Shop class who put the hydraulics, hover-conversion, and 13” sub-woofers on Stephen Hawking’s motorized chair.  McCain hopes the new “Tricked Out” look will help him appeal to younger voters.

Further changes in the timeline are not expected by the Arizona senator as the Republican campaign can only afford enough fuel to send him back roughly three months.

PHOENIX, AZ – At age 13, the mysterious Bat Boy’s hormones are apparently kicking in — he’s developed a crush on Senator John McCain’s daughter Meghan!

Ms. McCain’s security team say the half-human, half-bat mutant has made repeated attempts to see the young beauty — and whined “like a sad dog” when he was shooed away!

These Secret Service agents believe Bat Boy — who has bitten and attacked people in the past – to be a potential threat and don’t want the bizarre, pointy-eared youth anywhere near Meghan.

“We are taking this matter very, very seriously,” said a Secret Service source who insisted upon anonymity. “This may sound like an innocent case of ‘puppy love,’ but we are concerned that we may have a stalker on our hands.”

Dr. Ron Dillon, the scientist who originally discovered Bat Boy, strongly believes that the agents are blowing this out of proportion. “Bat Boy is absolutely not a stalker, he wouldn’t harm a hair on Meghan McCain’s head.

“He is clearly in love for the first time in his life and doesn’t know how to deal with it. Don’t you remember how that felt? Now imagine that AND being a half-bat mutant. Puberty is Bat Boy’s biggest challenge yet.”

The bat-like creature has continued to elude the authorities. Law enforcement officials were stunned when he snuck in to a recent book signing for “My Dad, John McCain” and tried to talk to Meghan.

“Apparently, he saw her chatting with Jay Leno on TV and became fixated on her,” said the Secret Service source. “We believe he has tracked her cross-country on her campaign trail, using his superior hearing and sense of smell.”

Agents say the pint-size creature has tried to see Meghan at least three times, most recently when he showed up beneath her hotel window with guitar in hand and screeched what may have been Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes”.

Given his shaky grasp on English, it did not go over well.