PHILADELPHIA –  They’re closing off the streets here so that toads – in heat – are safe from traffic.

Philadelphia authorities have organized the annual Toad Detour in the city’s Roxborough neighborhood so that toads can breed – and breed happily.

Pennsylvania toads leave the woodlands of the 350-acre Schuylkill Centre every April to breed across the road at an old reservoir.

The toads tend to enjoy wet weather and warm temperatures, so when evenings fall, organizer Lisa Levinson sends out an email to some 1,150 volunteers to help the toads cross the road.

The breeding season stretches about a month, during which time traffic is diverted from the area and the street is closed off with barricades, courtesy of a permit from city officials.

Levinson launched the effort, now in its third year, after realizing that what she thought were leaves were hopping toads on the street.

“Cars were driving right over them,” she said.

Levinson and volunteers now scoop up the toads and place them on an embankment on the far side of the road.

“It feels great,” she said. “It’s almost a divine feeling that you know that you are helping.”

Last year, the effort saved about 2,000 toads from traffic, according to its website www.toaddetour.com.

PHILADELPHIA, PA -  As temperatures neared 100 Monday, after hovering in the high 90s during the week, a Southside alien was taken to Mercy Hospital suffering from  heatstroke.The Southside alien was spotted this morning near Buddy’s Pizza.  He seemed to be sleeping on a box of deep dish but when a Tommy Fiori, a ten-year-old in the neighborhood, took a closer look he could tell the alien was sick.  “I told mamma about the creature on the pizza box, but she didn’t want to leave the air-conditioning.  My papa came outside with his baseball bat, but he could tell right away the alien looked sick.”   Carlo Fiori thought the alien ate some bad pepperoni, but then figured that it had to be the heat.  “I’m boiling my nuts off out here!”   Fiori called local authorities, who took the alien to Mercy Hospital.

Philadelphia Health Department spokesman, John Grimaldi, urged all humans and aliens to take necessary precautions in the heat.  Grimaldi advised all beings to drink plenty of water, wear lightweight, light-colored loose clothing and limit activity during the day.  He advises all residents to wear sunglasses with UV protection, especially aliens.  “Those big eyes can easily be damaged by the sun.”

Mayor Nutter sent the Philadelphia Exobiology Department to the hospital to assist.  Department Head,  Dr. Zach Collins, said his team was doing everything they could to help keep the alien alive.  He was also initiating Philadelphia’s  Alien Communication System (ACS) in order to reach all aliens residing in Philadelphia.  “It’s important that local aliens seek air-conditioning as soon as possible.”   Collins said the city will open up several public buildings for aliens to use to escape the heat. “This is the city of Brotherly Love, we take care of all those who live here, including our aliens.”  A representative for a local alien group, Philadelphia E.T. (PET), felt the effort was unnecessary.  “We’ve been occupying Philly public spaces for decades – particularly the Free Public Library.  Aliens are fascinated with learning everything about humans.”

Warning signs for heat stroke include loss of energy, loss of appetite, nausea, light-headedness, and heavy sweating.  The heat advisory for Philadelphia will continue for the next several days.  Health officials said that aliens should avoid caffeine and alcohol.  Doctors at Mercy Hospital say that the alien that was brought in had a strong smell of Sambuca on his breath.

The alien is expected to make a full recovery.

PHILADELPHIA, PA – The New York Yankees have attributed their Halloween win to Bat Boy.

The New York Yankees beat the Philadelphia Phillies in their Halloween game of the World Series.  To celebrate the holiday, the Yankees hired a special young man to be bat boy, America’s favorite mutant, Bat Boy!  Now the team is crediting him for the night’s victory.

Bat Boy was thrilled by the offer to play a part in a World Series game.  He was so excited that he inadvertently terrorized the opposing team and several attendees with VIP seating.  In the first inning he was so eager to do his job that he offered a bat to Phillies infielder Greg Dobbs when he took the plate to hit.  Dobbs saw a half-bat mutant running towards him screeching and waving a bat, and ran the other way.  Bat Boy, confused but wanting to go a good job, chased after Dobbs trying to offer him the bat, which when caught on camera did look like an attempted assault.

Since Bat Boy can only speak in squeaks and squeals he could not chant along with other fans.  His attempts to do so hit a certain pitch that affected Phillies’ Matt Stairs inner ear and caused him to fall down unconscious while stealing second.  The unconscious Stairs was easily tagged out in a Yankees double play.

When not helping the players Bat Boy would pop up from inside the dugout directly in the faces of VIP seating.  Chase Manhattan CEO Paul Burlesly is believed to have wet himself from this.  He stormed off to the bathroom claiming it was a spilled beer, but photographic evidence confirmed otherwise.

Bat Boy was given an official jersey by the Yankees for his help with the incident.  Hanging up in the office of Manager Joe Girardi is a picture taken of Bat Boy during the 7th inning stretch, when he was on the field catching mosquitoes in his mouth.

Philadelphia Phillies management is claiming this was unfair.  Phillies fans think Bat Boy gave the Yankees an unfair advantage.  Team owners are pushing to invoke the right of “Do Over” for game 3 of the World Series.  The MLB Rules Commission has said in response, “Let’s be honest, guys, we all know you would have lost anyway.”

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Police are attempting to uncover who wrapped a cat in duct tape and abandoned it!

A cat was found abandoned in a North Philadelphia yard yesterday afternoon. The cat was completely wrapped in duct tape, except for its head.

“I’ve never seen a cat totally wrapped like a mummy before,” said George Bengal, director investigations for the Pennsylvania Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. “Whoever did this is very sick.”

Irissa Torian, a resident of the 2200 block of Edgley Street, was the one who found the cat.

“It’s a damn shame,” she said.

The cat was sedated by workers at the PSPCA so the tape could be cut away by scissors.

A female cat now nicknamed “Sticky”, she is doing well.

“We’re lucky that the tape was not on the cat for a long time. It came off easily,” said Gail Luciani, PSCPA spokeswoman.

The police are offering a $1000 for any tips that lead to the conviction of the animal cruelty culprit.

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Jon Gosselin has spent weeks battling allegations that he cheated on his wife Kate.  But Weekly World News has finally uncovered his strange affair – with 8 clowns!

Jon and Kate Gosselin star in the popular TLC reality show “Jon and Kate plus 8”, which chronicles their life as parents of 7 year old twins and 4 year old sextuplets.

Since US magazine broke the story last week there has been a frenzy of allegations and denials in attempting to discover the truth.

Weekly World News reporters, however, have finally uncovered definitive photographic proof of the Jon Gosselin affair.

Last weekend, Jon Gosselin was seen entering a hotel room with 8 female circus performers.  The women are believed to have been part of a touring production of Cirque du Soleil.

Pictures clearly show Jon entering a room trying to avoid being recognized.  The room was registered to a “Pepper Freckles” who checked in only one hour before.

A security guard, who wishes to remain anonymous, says during the next three hours several guests complained about noises from that room, including loud repetitive squeaking and occasional rounds of applause.  During that time he once saw Jon out of the room getting ice; he had multicolored face paint on his collar and appeared to be walking funny, most likely from the oversized shoes he was wearing.  The guard then saw a female clown lean out of her room and beckon Gosselin back with a large and inappropriately shaped balloon.

Hours later Jon was seen outside of the room, weeping to his clown lovers.  He began yelling and it became clear he was desperate for them to take him with them.  The clowns refused flatly, and used seltzer bottles to make him let go of their legs.  Through tears he watched the 8 women pile into one small car and drive away.

Spokespeople for Jon Gosslin have yet to comment on these most recent allegations.

PHILADELPHIA, PA – As Madam Kristen Davis debates whether to publish her tell-all biography, she has turned to a longtime friend and alleged client for counsel: PhD Ape!

Madam Davis, supplier of prostitutes to A-List clientele who first came to notoriety in the wake of the Eliot Spitzer prostitution scandal, has made quite a name for herself over the past few weeks as her relationship with baseball slugger Alex Rodriguez has come to light.

What began as a romantic relationship initiated by A-Rod after spotting the busty Davis at a local gym, became a client-madam business arrangement by which Rodriguez was supplied high price call girls in the service of the exclusive Madam Davis.

Although married, Rodriguez allegedly became smitten with Davis, sending her flowers and lavish gifts, often claiming to enjoy her escorts but never as much as he enjoyed the company of Davis herself.

As public attention focused on her illicit business, Davis has been forced to abandon her seedy, yet lucrative Madam lifestyle.  And without the hundreds of thousands of dollars earned every year, Davis has had to consider other avenues for financial support.

Unsure about the potential fallout from the details divulged in her racy tell all book, Davis has sought out the advice of longtime confidant, PhD Ape.

“Kristen is a classy woman, a successful businesswoman and a dear friend,” PhD Ape told reporters after arriving in Philadelphia this past weekend.  “We have been friends for years and I have often provided counsel to her during troubled times.  Often a partner in troublesome relationships, whether they be personal relations with married men or business partnerships with loose women, Kristen seems to be a magnet for people who need and want something from her.”

“I told her that tell-alls can be tricky business, often prompting retaliatory allegations to emerge.  But I understand her financial quandry.  We will spend the next several days weighing her options and coming to the most fruitful conclusion.”

While PhD Ape’s long list of celebrity clients has associated him with his fair share of scandalous people, PhD has kept a respectable PG image for himself over the years.  However, recent information leaked to the press regarding Madam Kristen Davis’ client roster has led to some rethinking the nature of her “professional” relationship with the celebrity shrink.

“Our relationship is completely on the up and up, and I do not appreciate any implication that it is not of the utmost professional level.  I take my oath very seriously.  Kristen and I have maintained a two way friendship and a one way professional relationship.  While friends, Kristen indulges in my professional counsel, but I have never indulged in her… ‘services.’”

PHILADELPHIA – The angel of death reports that he is happy to be doing his part in the ongoing process of devouring human souls.

“It’s so exciting to be part of something like this,” said the Grim Reaper, grinning good-naturedly through a mouthful of braces.  “I want to be useful to my team, and I want to make sure my team leader – Brad, who is such a good guy, oh my God – I just want Brad to know that he can depend on me.”

He then checked his pocket-protector for pens, admonished himself for not remembering to bring one, said he always does that, found a pen in his pants pocket, marveled at how stupid that was, and put a check mark next to an asterix next to the name of his next victim.  The previous name was accompanied by a check mark and an asterix as well, but was also crossed out.

“I just have this system,” Death said sheepishly about the odd notation.  “It’s stupid, I know, it’s stupid, but it’s just the way I got used to doing it and now I can’t go back.  Do you know what I mean?”

Continuing a job he has held since the beginning of all life, the reaper of souls proceeded with his work at a steady pace until exactly twelve noon, when an alarm sounded on his gargantuan wristwatch.

“Lunchtime!  Yummy!” he called out brightly, unconsciously imitating the inflection of Jim Carrey in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.  He then drew out a ham-and-cheese sandwich on white bread (crusts cut off) and a juice box, the same lunch he has packed every day for eons.

After munching away happily, Death grew philosophical.  “A lot of people think I shouldn’t do this, like what I’m doing isn’t right, but…I don’t know.  I mean, for one thing, I don’t think Brad would ask me to do something that was wrong!  Can you imagine that?  His wife’s adorable, she brought shortbread to the Christmas party.  And I get my own little space, and I can put up anything I want.  I can even play music on my headphones if it’s not too loud.”

A serene look shone in the endless darkness of Death’s eyes.  “It’s so nice to feel useful.”

CHICAGO, IL – President-Elect Barack Obama’s inauguration travel plans are harkening back to a time earlier than any had predicted.

It was recently reported that Obama and his family would be taking a train from Philadelphia to Washington D.C., stopping along the way to pick up Vice President-elect Joe Biden in Delaware. However, Emmett Beliveau, the executive director of the Presidential Inaugural Committee, has issued a statement to clarify Obama’s plans.

“President-Elect Barack Obama has chosen to ride horseback to his presidential inauguration. His decision honors the rich history and tradition of previous inaugural journeys, such as those of George Washington and Thomas Jefferson. His denial of automotive transport is also a statement against our dependency on foreign oil.

“Millions of citizens have expressed a desire to see Obama sworn in, but sadly, it is not possible to accommodate a number of that magnitude. By riding horseback out in the open through three states, we hope to include as many Americans as possible who wish to congratulate him.”

When asked by a CNN reporter if Michelle Obama and her children would be joining him, Beliveau laughed and shook his head. “Oh no no no, she and the girls will be taking the train. Michelle told him if he goes through with this, she doesn’t care if he’s the leader of the free world or a plumber, she doesn’t want to hear one peep about his sore behind.”

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Jon and Kate Gosselin, stars of the hit reality show, Jon and Kate Plus 8, have added one supersized mouth to their family this holiday season: Tonya!

The parents of eight children, 7-year-old twin girls and 4 year-old sextuplets, caved to the increasing pressure of their children to adopt a pet.  Originally expecting to get a medium to large sized dog, the Gosselin’s changed their plans after being introduced to Tonya at a summit for reality TV show stars.

“Jon looked over and saw Tonya being interviewed by at least 6 different reporters at one time,” Kate said in a press release, “he immediately knew that if she could handle that many members of the press, she could totally deal with eight screaming, grabby children.”

When asked about their decision to adopt a giant cat instead of a dog, Jon told reporters, “We hadn’t considered a cat originally.  Size was very important to us.  Having eight kids, we knew we wanted an animal that all of them could pay attention to at the same time.  The problem with a cat or rabbit or small dog is that only one kid could hold it or pet it.  With Tonya, that isn’t going to be a problem.  When she lays on her back, all six of the little kids can lay on Tonya with room to spare.”

Longtime fans of Tonya’s who have followed her recent performances on Top Chef and Biggest Loser, were surprised to hear that she is taking a break from reality competitions to guest star on the much tamer TLC show.

Through her spokesperson, Tonya responded, “If you have ever seen the program, you know that Kate knows how to cook big meals.  And we all know Tonya loves big meals.  She also loves a challenge.  And being manhandled by 16 little sticky hands just might be the most challenging thing Tonya has ever done.”

Rumors that Tonya is actually only interested in eating the young Gosselin children have been widely disputed.  Both Tonya’s representation and TLC have promised defamation of character lawsuits to “anyone who continues to spread such vile accusations.”

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Whether he’s a fan of the books or just trying to make friends, Bat Boy was spotted waiting in line to meet the star of the upcoming film “Twilight”.

Robert Pattinson appeared at the King Prussia mall today to meet fans and sign memorabilia. His film is based on a popular book series that revolves around a love affair between a vampire boy and his high school human sweetheart.

Scientists are wondering if Bat Boy may be hitting that age where he is interested in romance.  Recently he was seen trying to find similar bat-people, so some are questioning why he was at the signing. Was he just confused by Pattinson’s bat-boy-like state in the film, or was he taken in by the books adolescent love story?

In any event, Bat Boy waited in line for eight hours to meet the actor.  Approaching the star, Bay Boy squeaked shyly, handing Pattinson a damp and slightly chewed copy of the book.  Patterson signed the book awkwardly and asked if he liked vampire stories, to which Bat Boy froze in fear then grabbed his book and ran away.

Bay Boy hid in the Old Navy accessory department crying, presumably angry at himself for getting so nervous.  Shortly thereafter he was approached by a group of girls his age who were fascinated in his vampire-like appearance.

The group was later seen in the food court, introducing Bat Boy to the A&W Root Beer Float.  Bat Boy spat it out and led the tweens outside to help him find his usual snack, mosquitoes.