NEW YORK, NY – Rosie O’Donnell may split from her spouse of 5 years.  world renowned therapist PhD Ape runs to the rescue.

News broke earlier this week that Rosie O’Donnell, comedienne and talk show host, has entered a “rough patch” with her partner Kelli Carpenter.  A tearful Rosie spoke to reporters only briefly, saying that they both were focusing on the well being of their children.  PhD Ape dropped what he was doing, mid-session with Amy Winehouse, and immediately came to Rosie’s aid.

PhD Ape has been a huge fan of O’Donnell for years.  Orignially the two met while Rosie was still a stand-up comic.  PhD Ape saw her performing at a small club in the San Fransisco area and loved her act.  Since then he has seen all of her movies, been at the tapings of many of her shows, and even acquired tickets to every awards program she has ever hosted.

After a quick transatlantic flight PhD Ape was by Rosie’s side offering to help during her time of crisis.  “Ms. O’Donnell is a artist and a professional who has given joy to countless millions” he told reporters who sprinted after him in LaGuardia Airport.  “I am here to offer my professional services while she is going through, this, difficult period.  Do any of you know where I can get a taxi?  Anyone?”  The Doctor of Psychology then jumped on top of a yellow cab that was already headed into Manhattan.

O’Donnell is believed to have spent most of Wednesday in Therapy with PhD Ape.  Whether this was individual or couples therapy cannot be said.  Secretaries for PhD Ape confirm that he has dropped all other appointments until this episode with O’Donnell is taken care of.

WERNERSVILLE, PA – As the media attention grows surrounding allegations of infidelity, Jon and Kate Gosselin have asked for professional help from PhD Ape!

“I’ve actually been a fan of the show for a long time,” PhD Ape told reporters camped outside of the Gosselin’s mansion compound in rural Pennsylvania.  “I was flipping channels one night and happened upon TLC.  I see all these little children running around, and two frantic parents just trying to keep up.”

“When little Leah walks up to the camera and tells the audience that Hannah pooped in her ‘unnah-wears’, I was hooked!”

“I actually reached out to Jon and Kate during their second season, not that they seemed to be having problems, but just letting them know about my services and experience working with celebrities.”

Now a few years later, the Gosselin’s have reached out to PhD Ape.

For the past several weeks, the famous parents have been battling allegations of infidelity on the part of Jon with a young schoolteacher, and claims that Jon has actually been estranged from the family for weeks at a time, living with his mother in a nearby town.

While the brother of the teacher has verified the claims, Jon and Kate have adamantly denied them, while confirming turmoil in their relationship.

More recently, allegations have emerged that Kate has begun a torrid love-affair with her silver-haired bodyguard who accompanies Kate whenever she leaves the house.  Kate and her bodyguard have spent a great deal of time away from the family while on her book tours, promoting her non-fiction work that details the grueling life of a mother of eight.

“I’ve always said that the two most difficult jobs in the world are being a parent, and being a celebrity,” PhD Ape said.  “Just imagine how difficult that makes it to be a celebrity because you are a parent!”

“Without their children, Jon and Kate would not be famous, so the need to stay together, to work through these difficult times for the sake of their children and their status, is essential.”

“I’ll be spending at least the weekend, perhaps through Memorial Day, with the Gosselins, getting to know John and Kate, as well as Maddy, Kara, Leah, Hannah, Alexis, Joel, Colin, and of course little bespectacled Aaden.”

“Jon was very young when he married Kate, only 22, by the time he was 27 he was the father of eight.  When I turned 27 I was still sewing my wild oats and just starting a drug-fueled romp through Grad School.  You can’t blame him for having wandering eyes, but it’s how he deals with it now that counts.”

“We’ve all seen the show, we know Kate isn’t perfect.  She is shrewd and overbearing at times but we’re here to work through this and come out on top for the sake of the children.  Those adorable little goldmines that may not be adorable forever.”

HAMPTONS, NY – The demands on his time proving to be too great this week for individual attention, PhD invited three of his clients to a group therapy session at his posh oceanside retreat.

Lindsay Lohan, Dog The Bounty Hunter and Susan Boyle are each on their way from Los Angeles, Atlanta, and London respectively to join PhD Ape, therapist to the stars, at his summer home in the Hamptons. There, they will enjoy a relaxing long weekend of walking on the beach, poolside barbecues and group therapy.

“While I typically stress the importance of extensive one-on-one interaction with my clients, sometimes it is even more beneficial to put several clients in a room together so that they gain the unique insight of each other’s experiences,” PhD Ape said during a conference call to reporters.

“This is one of those times.”

Lindsay Lohan, one of the media’s prime targets as of late, especially after her high profile breakup with lesbian lover, Samantha Ronson, is said to have called PhD Ape following a night of partying.

“I received a call from Lindsay very early in the morning, it couldn’t have been later than five in the morning.” PhD Ape said.  “She was crying and she told me that she needed things to change.  She wanted her reputation and her career and her money back.”

“I said, Lindsay, come stay with me this weekend.  I’m getting some people together, and I think it will be very good for you.”

Dog the Bounty Hunter, no stranger to mixed press himself, found himself in the news after being shot at during a failed attempt at apprehending a suspected murderer.

“Usually the one doing the shooting, Dog was very shaken up at literally have the gun turned on him,” PhD ape continued during the conference call.

“It’s been a long time since Dog has called me for help or guidance, but we are good friends and my home is open to him this weekend as well.”

“Dog, in the prime of his career, and Lindsay seemingly at the end of hers, are great counterparts to help me give guidance and support to my newest client, Ms. Susan Boyle.”

Internet darling turned reality-TV star, Boyle, famous for her singing in YouTube videos, has found the limelight of fame to be more invasive than she imagined.

“Its a big contrast from singing by yourself in your living room to being featured on one of Britain’s most popular television programs.  And to now have the British paparazzi camped outside her home, it’s very overwhelming for Susan.”

“I think she can learn a lot from Dog and Lindsay.  On the surface these three have little in common, but at the heart of it, their concerns are the same.”

“Lindsay is the poster child for what not to do as a celebrity, and Susan needs to take those lessons to heart if she doesn’t want to end up washed out after just a few years of success.  And Lindsay herself can take some cues from Susan.  Her modesty and self-control, albeit very early in her career, I hope will inspire Lindsay to turn a leaf backwards and become that perky red headed little girl we all fell in love with so many years ago.”

“Proverbially, of course.”

PHILADELPHIA, PA – As Madam Kristen Davis debates whether to publish her tell-all biography, she has turned to a longtime friend and alleged client for counsel: PhD Ape!

Madam Davis, supplier of prostitutes to A-List clientele who first came to notoriety in the wake of the Eliot Spitzer prostitution scandal, has made quite a name for herself over the past few weeks as her relationship with baseball slugger Alex Rodriguez has come to light.

What began as a romantic relationship initiated by A-Rod after spotting the busty Davis at a local gym, became a client-madam business arrangement by which Rodriguez was supplied high price call girls in the service of the exclusive Madam Davis.

Although married, Rodriguez allegedly became smitten with Davis, sending her flowers and lavish gifts, often claiming to enjoy her escorts but never as much as he enjoyed the company of Davis herself.

As public attention focused on her illicit business, Davis has been forced to abandon her seedy, yet lucrative Madam lifestyle.  And without the hundreds of thousands of dollars earned every year, Davis has had to consider other avenues for financial support.

Unsure about the potential fallout from the details divulged in her racy tell all book, Davis has sought out the advice of longtime confidant, PhD Ape.

“Kristen is a classy woman, a successful businesswoman and a dear friend,” PhD Ape told reporters after arriving in Philadelphia this past weekend.  “We have been friends for years and I have often provided counsel to her during troubled times.  Often a partner in troublesome relationships, whether they be personal relations with married men or business partnerships with loose women, Kristen seems to be a magnet for people who need and want something from her.”

“I told her that tell-alls can be tricky business, often prompting retaliatory allegations to emerge.  But I understand her financial quandry.  We will spend the next several days weighing her options and coming to the most fruitful conclusion.”

While PhD Ape’s long list of celebrity clients has associated him with his fair share of scandalous people, PhD has kept a respectable PG image for himself over the years.  However, recent information leaked to the press regarding Madam Kristen Davis’ client roster has led to some rethinking the nature of her “professional” relationship with the celebrity shrink.

“Our relationship is completely on the up and up, and I do not appreciate any implication that it is not of the utmost professional level.  I take my oath very seriously.  Kristen and I have maintained a two way friendship and a one way professional relationship.  While friends, Kristen indulges in my professional counsel, but I have never indulged in her… ‘services.’”

STAMFORD, CT – Travis the chimp was shot dead after brutally attacking a human, and now his family is seeking comfort and advice from the world’s only PhD Ape.

Travis, the chimpanzee, resided in a suburban home in Connecticut with his owner. Loved by local residents and usually well-behaved, the city was shocked to hear that Travis went berserk and viciously mauled a human. The owner attempted to save her friend by stabbing the chimp with a kitchen knife, but it took local cops shooting Travis to finally stop him.

Travis’ family are grief stricken, and have turned to PhD Ape, therapist to the stars and primate family counselor. He was so incensed by the event that he hosted an emergency TV special this morning on human-primate violence.

“Travis was a beloved son, brother and friend,” said PhD Ape to the audience. “To think that such a bright and happy chimp had his life end so horribly is devastating. How did this happen? Was it completely his fault? Today, we are here to honor Travis’ life by exploring the reality of when human and primate worlds collide.”

The program featured experts from across the board, including  zoo keepers, movie stunt chimps, Travis’  family and primate rights activists. Rocky, head of the NERFP, or New England chapter of Rights for Primates, stated, “Can we totally absolve Travis of his attack? Certainly not. We feel for the human who was attacked; she did not bring this on herself. But, what conditions was Travis kept in? What happened to make him react so violently to a passive woman? That is not inherent in our nature!”

PhD Ape nodded in agreement, and moved to conclude the show. “These are definitely questions that need answering. I am concerned on how the press is presenting our poor Travis. But in the days ahead, my fellow primates, we must not not continue the cycle of violence! I advise anyone out there who wishes to make a statement to do so in a peaceful, mindful manner. We can make our message heard.”

Bonobos have already begun arranging a peaceful protest outside of Stamford’s city hall. It is expected that at least 1,000 chimpanzees, monkeys and apes will descend upon the town to grieve together. They have been warned not to throw banana peels at passing cops.

WASHINGTON, DC – With February off to a rocky start, President Obama called an old friend for some much needed support – PhD Ape!

This week has seen continuing struggles for the newly inaugurated president as his economic stimulus package has been met with increasing resistence from the minority party in Congress.  Additionally, two of Obama’s nominees for Cabinet positions removed themselves from consideration as a result of income-tax related controversies.

Following a press conference in which he described feeling embarrassed and disappointed, President Obama personally called PhD Ape, asking the famous shrink to come to the nation’s capitol for the weekend.

“It is an honor to serve at the pleasure of the President,” PhD Ape told the White House Press Corp.  “Barack and I are old friends, we go way back.  When I saw how things were going this week, I had a feeling I would be hearing from him.”

President Obama and PhD Ape first met in Chicago in the 1980s where both men were working as community organizers in the city’s south side.  Although PhD Ape did stay there long, as the allure of the bright lights of Hollywood and high profile clientelle was too strong.

The biggest blow this week came from the usually Obama-friendly New York Times.  In an editorial on Monday the paper called for Senator Tom Daschle, the President’s nominee for Secretary of Health and Human Services, to remove his name from consideration due to the emerging information regarding hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid taxes.

The former Senate Majority Leader has been one of the key advisors on health care to President Obama throughout his Senate career and during his Presidential campaign.

President Obama had intended for Senator Daschle to act as Health Czar, overseeing the planned massive overhaul of the United States health care industry and creation of a nationalized system.

“Barack and Tom have been friends and colleagues for many years and were very much looking forward to getting to work on health care for the American people,” PhD Ape said.

“They are both saddened by this weeks turn of events.  And for the harshest criticism to come from the Times.  That was like being kicked while already down.”

“Barack, Michelle and I plan to have a low-key weekend to help get his thoughts and feelings in order.  Luckily, Nights in Rodanthe came in the mail before I had to leave for the airport.”

When asked by members of the Press Corp. whether he had any interest in the vacant Health and Human Services position, or possibly Surgeon General, another position without a nominee, the typically verbose PhD Ape simply smiled.

“No comment.”

NEW YORK, NY – To welcome in the new year, Weekly World News flew in some of the years biggest shakers and news makers for a holiday party.

Mutants, cryptids, and journalists toasted the new year at a party held in the WWN Headquarters in downtown Manhattan.

When asked what their New Year’s resolutions would be, here are some of your favorite celebrities answers:

PhD Ape, three martinis in, wrote a mini dissertation on a cocktail napkin in calligraphy.  In summation, he hopes to continue to make a positive contribution to people in need and learn to be a good father.  Also he wants to take a pottery class.

Bat Boy, who was given sodas and pixie sticks all night, drew on construction paper pictures of himself and Obatma playing together on the White House lawn.

Manigator, drinking cans of cheap beer and what appeared to be moonshine out of a coffee can, wrote down on a used napkin, “This year it’s gonna be difrent when they get into (illegible) They don’t know who they’re dealin with (stained section) that’s just crazy they’d charge me for-”

That was as far as he got before the writing trailed off and he passed out in the bathroom.

Fatfoot said through his wildlife worker/interpreter that he wanted to stop using food to deal with his feelings, start leading a more active lifestyle, and most importantly learn to love himself so others can love him to.  For the last night of the year, he allowed himself to splurge on 7-11 Big Gulps and a tray of pigs-in-a-blanket.

MEMPHIS, TN – Ending the year on a high note, PhD Ape has announced he will meet with the man who distributed a racist song to RNC members.

Former Tennessee GOP Chairman Chip Saltsman, who is now running for Chairman of the RNC, distributed a mix CD of joke songs to RNC members whose votes he is courting. The track “Barack the Magic Negro” has put Saltsman into the national spotlight.

“Some people are calling him a racist,” PhD Ape said in a brief statement upon departing his charter flight in Memphis. “But I don’t believe that’s the case. He has a keen sense of humor and knows how to use seemingly controversial rhetoric to encourage a dialogue. Which is exactly what we’re doing now.”

“How can anyone call the Republican Party racist? There are four Latinos in the Party, at least one Asian American, and some African Americans. And only one member of the Palm Beach County Republican Executive Committee is in the KKK. Those are good numbers.”

Although Democrats have united in condemning Saltsman, members of the GOP are split between denouncing of the song and support for a longtime party member.

PhD Ape concluded his statement saying, “Like Mike Huckabee said, I believe that Chip would never intentionally disparage anyone. This is all just a big misunderstanding.”

“Many in the GOP believe that the song was playful and not hurtful because the election of Barack Obama has brought an end to racism.”

NEW YORK, NY – Holiday shoppers at Macy’s Department Store were surprised this week when PhD Ape brought his son and niece to meet Santa for the first time.

Junior was excited to sit in Santa’s lap and tell him what he wants for Christmas. PhD Ape’s niece Bobo managed to sit still long enough to take a photo with Santa before running off to eat the candy cane picket fence in front of Santa’s Workshop.

“Junior wouldn’t tell me what he asked for,” PhD Ape told reporters outside Macy’s. “But I’m pretty sure it involved bananas, a rope swing, and a Wii Fit.”

“If he’s a good boy, he’ll also have asked for new slippers and a box of Cubans for his father.” PhD Ape said with a wink.

During his lunch break, reporters asked Santa about meeting the young ape children.

“It was a little unnerving, to be honest. I thought they were adorable, sweet little things, but then Junior asked me if I have daddy issues and if that’s why I feel the need to provide children with love and presents.”

“He asked if I crave the approval of my peers. He is definitely his father’s son.”

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL – During a short break from counseling Madoff investment victims, PhD Ape ran into a client begging for help – Elliot Spitzer!

PhD Ape has come under fire since announcing his intention to offer free counsel sessions to the duped senior citizens.  Current and former clients flooded his office seeking refunds for past services.

“I decided to get away from all the media attention and the barrage of phone calls and emails,” PhD Ape said through a representative.  “I left my Blackberry and cell phone in Palm Beach and headed for Fort Lauderdale for some R & R.  The last thing I expected was to run into any clients.”

Seeking to escape the media himself, former New York Governor Elliot Spitzer is in Florida visiting his bubby for Hanukkah.  Spitzer has been getting a lot of attention this week since he publicly ridiculed his new job.

“It’s been a very difficult year for Elliot,” PhD Ape told reporters.  “Its only natural that he express discontent with being an online blogger for Slate when just a few months ago he was governor of the second most populous state in the Union and one of the few rising stars in the Democratic Party.  Its quite a fall from grace.”

“I don’t plan to spend much time with Elliot in Florida.  I have work to finish in Palm Beach and then its back to New York.  If he feels like he needs counseling sessions, I will be more than happy to see him.  That is, if he can afford me on a blogger’s salary.  After this, I’m done with charity cases.”