NEW YORK -  The Jetpack story that broke on WWN is gaining international attention.  The U.N. has convened to discuss.

The United Nations Security Council met last night to discuss the news that the United States military is purchasing over 1 million jetpacks.   Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon called an emergency session last night due to the controversy swirling around the jetpacks.

“Member nations are all worried about this jetpack technology that the United States has kept secret from the international community,” said Ki-Moon. “We have received word for Russian spies that the United States is planning on using the new jetpack technology to wage war against at number of nations utilizing large battalions of Flying Infantry.”

Former Ambassador to the United Nations, John Bolton, spoke with WWN last night and confirmed that the Bush Administration ordered the 1 million jetpacks back in November, 2007.  “We never would have thought that they would be in full production so soon. But this is good news for America. We’ll get them from the ground and the air.”

The Obama Administration, which has come under fire for its use of drone attacks in Afghanistan, is now coming under fire for the potential use of a Jetpack Army to shoot down the Taliban from the sky.

“It’s not fair!” screamed Taliban leader  Osama Bin Heidi.  “They cheat!”

WWN will be sneaking into the Security Council meeting and will report back to our readers.

We have learned that Ph.D. Ape has also been called in to consult with the makers of The Martin Jetpack.  “We want to make it go higher, faster and we want to make it cheaper.  Ph.D. Ape will help us achieve our goals, ” said Martin van Martin of Martin Jetpacks.

In more news. Mediaite wrote about the ace reporting of Frank Lake.

And Keith Olbermann dedicated half his show to Jetpack-Gate. Here’s an excerpt.

WWN will stay on this breaking story long after it has been beaten into the ground.

NEW YORK, NY – It’s Lil Wayne’s birthday and the rapper has made a shocking announcement!

Lil Wayne turns 28 today and he’s made this day a very special one. The “best rapper alive” has a knack for making his birthdays both extravagant and newsworthy. For his 26th birthday, Lil Wayne received a Louis Vuitton briefcase with $1 million cash in it. For his 27th, the rapper got a $1 million diamond-encrusted Chopard watch and a birthday cake covered in real diamonds. Although he’s behind bars for this birthday, that’s not stopping him from making it just as exciting.

Lil Wayne has thrown out a double-whammy. First off, he dropped his newest album, “I Am Not a Human Being” LP, digitally at midnight on Monday (September 27) so his fans could celebrate Weezy’s birthday with a load of otherworldly flows and soundscapes. Any album that Lil Wayne throws out there is always met with much anticipation and high expectations. Even behind bars, the Young Money CEO gets cake everyday (that’s code for “makes money”).

While that is certainly great, Lil Wayne’s second announcement might be even bigger. It’s no surprise that Weezy could use a slight image makeover. From his partying to his drinking “that purple stuff” and his drug possession to having more kids than he can count – Lil Wayne hasn’t exactly been a role model for society. With that said, Weezy is taking a step in the direction to becoming a more positive influence. He’s announced that he’s reached out to PhD Ape in the hopes of getting his image back together.

“I’m not some young gun anymore,” Lil Wayne told Weekly World News. “I’m 28 and only getting older. It’s time for me to focus on the things that matter – family, music and the fans. I won’t lie – I’ve had a great time. But being behind bars has given me a lot of time to think. And not being on that purple stuff has certainly allowed me to think clearly. It’s def a good move for me and I hope PhD Ape will kick it with me.”

PhD is a master craftsmen in his own right. He can turn even the most dysfunctional of individuals into model citizens. The harder the case, the more joy PhD Ape seems to get out of it. Working with a multi-winning Grammy artist would be another great highlight to his already impressive resume.

“Lil Wayne is as talented as they come,” PhD Ape told us. “However, amidst all the lights, fame and attention – he lost track of where he was heading. He got mixed up in the wrong things with some of the wrong people. No big deal. He’s 28, but he’s an old 28. He’s been in this industry for a long time now and he’s seen his fair share of things. Honestly, I just think he needs someone to talk to – it should be easy to put him back on track.”

Perhaps if PhD Ape works his magic – as he always does – Lil Wayne could team up with Bat Boy and help fight the ongoing epidemic that is White Nose Syndrome….

Because lets face it – the two might as well have been separated at birth.

NEW YORK, NY – The Jets got a dose of hard knocks last night. Might be time to re-focus and call in a little extra help!

Leading up to the beginning of this NFL season, one would think that it was the NY Jets that were the defending Super Bowl champions – not the New Orleans Saints. They have carried an incredible swagger and bravado with them all offseason. They have stuck their chest out, banged on it and have proclaimed their confidence in winning the Super Bowl this year. The team was also featured on HBO’s Hard Knocks and we saw much of the same – a confidence that almost makes you sick. To each their own…

Well all of that bravado got them nothing more than a loss in their opening game to the Baltimore Ravens. Ray Lewis and the Ravens came into the new Jets stadium and gave the home team a healthy dose of suffocating defense. So much has been said about the Jets defense, but Ray Lewis reminded everyone that the Ravens have always had a tough defense. The Ravens also managed something else – to shatter the Jets pretty little world they had created for themselves. Their egos and bravado got in the way of playing great football – time to call in reinforcements.

PhD Ape is the obvious candidate to come in and whip the team back into shape. Starting the season off with a loss, coupled with harassment claims from Ines Sainz is not the ideal path to a Super Bowl. Fresh off helping Team USA Basketball winning the FIBA World Championships, the master of inspiration has been contacted by Jets owner Woody Johnson.

“I love what my team stands for right now – confidence, swagger and that ‘nobody is better than us’ mentality,” owner Johnson said. “However, I think that the team’s ego has gotten bigger than it should and it’s going to get in the way of playing championship caliber football. I would hope that this loss would help them tuck their tail in between their legs – but the players on the team aren’t that kind of person. With Rex Ryan at the helm, this is just a minor speedbumb if anything. I need PhD Ape to come in and instill a new mentality onto this team.”

Sure PhD has only had exactly one day off, but there’s nothing he loves more than helping people achieve greatness.

“I love the Jets. They’ve got this X factor to them that not many teams can match,” PhD Ape told us. “They just need some minor tweaking, a slight mental adjustment and a small does of humility. They can still carry that incredible bravado with them, but I’ll help them harness that in a positive way. I think they have all gotten lost in the game of ‘who’s got a bigger ego.’ We’ll change that and get them on the path to the Super Bowl. I’m excited for this new opportunity.”

NEW YORK, NY – T.I. may be in a bit of trouble – help isn’t far off!

T.I.’s career and life looked like it was taking off again. His new movie Takers, which he starred in and co-executive produced, opened in theaters at No. 1 last weekend. His album, King Uncaged, is scheduled for a September 28 release. On top of that, he married Tameka Cottle in July. All of this since his release from a halfway house in March. Those good vibes may be put on hold for a bit…

T.I. was arrested on Wednesday for drug possession and it could land the rapper back in jail. He and his wife were arrested in West Hollywood after deputies pulled their car over after smelling marijuana and arrested them on suspicion of possessing meth-amphetamines.

Looks like the King might be going back to the cage. His attempt at a fresh start might be coming to an abrupt. According to lawyer Steven Knowles, if convicted, T.I. could face a multiple-year jail sentence. “This is big time,” Knowles told Yahoo! Music. “I really don’t envy his defense lawyer.”

The Takers star had spent seven months in a federal prison in Arkansas for illegal firearms possession and possessing a gun as a convicted felon.

According to the Associated Press, as a condition to his three-year parole, he was forbidden from committing another federal, state or local crime, or illegally possessing a controlled substance. Looks like T.I. dug himself a grave and it’s going to be mighty hard to get out of it – wherever should he turn?

Cue Ed Anger and PhD Ape…

T.I.’s legal team knows that this is an uphill battle and that calling in the big guns is the only way to have a fighting chance. They know that there aren’t two more larger than life personalities than Anger and PhD Ape. Bringing them on is a smart move and one that will hopefully salvage the career of T.I.

“We know that PhD Ape is in Europe helping Team USA, but we figured any advice he had to offer was a step in the right direction,” a member of T.I.’s camp told Weekly World News. “PhD Ape was more than helpful and he made a call to his good buddy, Ed Anger, to come and help us.”

Compassion and Ed Anger don’t exactly mix. However, if you get the conservative riled up enough about a subject, he is capable of making magic happen. PhD Ape filled him in on the matter and told him it’s a cause worth fighting for – proving that an entertainer can turn his life around.

“I’m madder than Jennifer Aniston at a speed dating event,” Anger told us. “T.I. is lucky that Ape is a good friend of mine because I would much rather be at home complaining about everything. Listen, the man screwed up – again – I get it. But I’m convinced that the King of the South is a good man – who just wants to entertain. We’re going to push for community service. And when it’s done, Ape and myself will whip him into shape.”

T.I. better hope that having two heavyweights in his corner can save his career.

NEW YORK, NY – A former baseball great is seeking help from WWN’s best – will he help though?

At one point in his career, Roger Clemens was the most dominant pitcher in the MLB. He was a surefire Hall of Famer and he had etched his name in the history books of baseball. Up until 2008, his reputation in the MLB ranks was solid and his credentials spoke for themselves – seven Cy Young Awards, 354 games and two World Series rings. All that means nothing now.

2008 was the beginning of the end for Clemens. He went to Congress, walking tall, looked everyone in the eye and testified that he never used steroids.

“Let me be clear. I have never taken steroids or HGH,” Clemens told a House committee in 2008.

Wrong move! The former Cy Young winner has been indicted by a federal grand jury Thursday for allegedly lying to Congress and jail time is a strong possibility. The doors to Cooperstown have closed for Clemens. His legacy appears fraudulent now. His awards are tainted. To make matters worse – even in the face of adversity and certain legal punishment – Clemens is still defiant and arrogant. Digging his own grave at an alarming rate.

The indictment against Clemens is 19 pages long and rich with information, highlighting 15 utterances the government deemed false leading to an obstruction of justice charge. Testimony regarding steroids, HGH and vitamin B12 comprise three false statement charges and two more perjury charges, each of which could carry five years prison time.

Despite his arrogance, Clemens has had his moments of clarity and realizes his in a deep hole and might need a lifeline. Clemens has reached out to PhD Ape for legal counsel and guidance in this turbulent time in his life.

“I know PhD Ape is the best at what he does and he’s helped out numerous stars in the past,” Clemens told Weekly World News. “I walked into the fire and now I’m getting burned. There’s no doubt I need help and advice in this time and I’m hoping he’ll extend a hand to me.”

PhD Ape does like baseball, but WWN had a sense of doubt on whether or not he’d help the tainted Cy Young winner. PhD Ape confirmed our doubts.

“Listen, I feel for the man. He’s facing an uphill battle,” PhD Ape told us. “But there is no way I am stepping into that firestorm. Clemens defied common sense and acted under the leadership of idiocy. He made a mockery of the whole process and ultimately dug his own grave. On top of that, there is no quality I despise more than arrogance. Sorry Roger, you’re on your own.”

TURKEY – Team USA has made a last minute addition to their “roster.”

The “Redeem” Team had one mission when they assembled – to bring USA basketball back to the top. They accomplished that goal with ease as the biggest superstars in the NBA came together to win gold for USA in the 2008 Olympics. LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Kobe Bryant and the rest of the “Redeem” Team are not on this year’s team and Team USA will sport a new roster when they head to Turkey – the “B-deem” Team.

There’s no doubt that the team has talent, but it’s lacking the hype of a James or Bryant – with the exception of Kevin Durant. The latest crop of players is full of potential but lacks the experience on the global stage. Critics are finding any and every possible angle to criticize – poor rebounding, lack of experience, B-list superstars, etc. Despite all of this lack of support and criticism, the team likes its chances – more so thanks to the latest addition to the team.

Team USA has hired PhD Ape as a mentor to the team. Weekly World News has learned that PhD will travel with the team to Turkey and will be instrumental in helping this new team cope with any challenges they face overseas.

“Sure, we don’t have LeBron James or Dwyane Wade or any of the other high profile athletes, but that shouldn’t change our goal,” said Jerry Colangelo, USA Basketball chairman. “Team USA is assembled for one purpose – and that’s to win. We still have some of the best young talent in the NBA on this team and they are motivated and dedicated to the cause. They will face challenges and criticism in this quest, and they will need a voice of reason to help them stay the course. That’s why we have hired PhD Ape. He’s wise, unbiased and is the exact influence I want on this team.”

Colangelo has made it his mission to rebuild USA Basketball and help it re-achieve its glory days from the early 90s. A gold medal in the 2008 Olympics was testament to his hard work, but it doesn’t mean he’s stopping there. Hiring PhD Ape is just another sign of how committed he is to the cause.

“It’s an absolute pleasure to be asked to help Team USA in their quest to win the World Championship,” said PhD Ape. “There’s no doubt that this team is young and has never experience this kind of setting. The mind is an incredible tool and it will be my job to make sure this team stays focused and stays its course. It’s shocking to me that this team is considered by some as underdogs, but I have faith in these kids and it should be a great experience.”

Team USA travels to Madrid, Spain on Monday to begin their next step of preparation for the World Championships. They will commence action on August 21 and 22 when they face Lithuania and Spain.

NEW YORK, NY – The Knicks have made another questionable move – considering what they passed up!

The summer of 2010 was supposed to be the New York Knicks’ summer. Knicks fan were dreaming of a star studded roster headlined by LeBron James and a return to prominence. Those dreams were quickly shattered and the Knicks settled for their plan D – Amar’e Stoudemire. Regardless, there is always a bright light at the end of the tunnel and that light is Isiah Thomas (sarcasm).

Thomas has been hired by the Knicks organization as a consultant and the move has been met with more negativity than anything else. The move brought back so many bad memories that it almost drove Knicks’ president Donnie Walsh to quit.

“Donnie finds this entire thing distasteful,” said one NBA source. “He’s had second thoughts about staying but he wants to finish the job.”

Knicks fans were rocked hard by the news on Friday – thanks in large part to his horrendous track record with the organization, both on and off the court. The news was even more upsetting due to the fact that the Knicks passed up on PhD Ape for the role of consultant.

Weekly World News did some serious investigative work and what it uncovered was seriously shocking.

PhD Ape has been a rock of wisdom and guiding force for many individuals throughout his career as therapist and consultant, that it sparked the interest of the Knicks. The two parties commenced communication in regards to creating a situation where PhD Ape could bring some sanity and stability to a shaky organization. The marriage seemed all but complete until Isiah Thomas stepped into the picture.

“Sure I’m upset about how the situation resolved itself, but I can’t say anything negative about it all,” PhD Ape told WWN. “I’ve always been a huge NBA fan and have been rooting for the Knicks for decades now. I’m just thankful that I was considered for the position and perhaps this marriage could work at some point down the road.”

A true symbol of class and poise.

It seemed as though when Thomas heard of the whole situation, he reached out to Knicks’ owner Jim Dolan. Thomas pulled on those strings in Dolan’s heart and was able to sway the owner to give him the opportunity. Thomas has said he has no intentions of climbing the corporate ladder or going after the GM position – at least for now. Regardless, Thomas did some behind the scenes work and pulled the rug right out from under PhD Ape.

PHILADELPHIA, PA – One of the NBA’s all time great is slowly losing control of both his personal and professional career. PhD Ape has offered to help!

According to Stephen A. Smith of the Philadelphia Inquirer, Allen Iverson’s life has become a train wreck and needs more than a prayer to turn things around. A sad turn of events that features one of the game’s all-time greatest and pound for pound was the best. Problems with gambling and alcohol are threatening to rob him of his legacy.

Reports say that Iverson has and will either drink himself into oblivion or gamble his life away. To add insult to injury, Iverson’s wife Tawanna, has filed for divorce and asked for full custody of their five children. She will also be seeking alimony and full child support.

Iverson’s problems are reportedly so bad that he has been banned from casinos in Detroit and Atlantic City. The one-time league MVP who put the Philadelphia 76ers on his back en route to leading them to the 2001 NBA finals is in need of a serious support group.

Help is on the way in the form of world renowned therapist PhD Ape. The therapist that has helped high profile figures such as Rosie O’Donnell and President Obama has taken notice of this nosedive and has reached out to Iverson.

“Iverson is one of the all-time great sports figures. Whether or not he’s loved is one thing, but he always put everything he had into the game,” said PhD Ape. “He’s lost his way and he needs a good support system to get him back on track. It’s emotionally and physically draining on an individual to reflect on the days of glory and not have that anymore.”

“If I get a chance to sit down with him, we’ll make small steps towards a better life,” he added. “I’ll let him know that what he did on the court will be unmatched. Now it’s time to move on and be a great father and a better person off the court. He’ll be fine.”

NEW YORK, NY – Rosie O’Donnell may split from her spouse of 5 years.  world renowned therapist PhD Ape runs to the rescue.

News broke earlier this week that Rosie O’Donnell, comedienne and talk show host, has entered a “rough patch” with her partner Kelli Carpenter.  A tearful Rosie spoke to reporters only briefly, saying that they both were focusing on the well being of their children.  PhD Ape dropped what he was doing, mid-session with Amy Winehouse, and immediately came to Rosie’s aid.

PhD Ape has been a huge fan of O’Donnell for years.  Orignially the two met while Rosie was still a stand-up comic.  PhD Ape saw her performing at a small club in the San Fransisco area and loved her act.  Since then he has seen all of her movies, been at the tapings of many of her shows, and even acquired tickets to every awards program she has ever hosted.

After a quick transatlantic flight PhD Ape was by Rosie’s side offering to help during her time of crisis.  “Ms. O’Donnell is a artist and a professional who has given joy to countless millions” he told reporters who sprinted after him in LaGuardia Airport.  “I am here to offer my professional services while she is going through, this, difficult period.  Do any of you know where I can get a taxi?  Anyone?”  The Doctor of Psychology then jumped on top of a yellow cab that was already headed into Manhattan.

O’Donnell is believed to have spent most of Wednesday in Therapy with PhD Ape.  Whether this was individual or couples therapy cannot be said.  Secretaries for PhD Ape confirm that he has dropped all other appointments until this episode with O’Donnell is taken care of.

WERNERSVILLE, PA – As the media attention grows surrounding allegations of infidelity, Jon and Kate Gosselin have asked for professional help from PhD Ape!

“I’ve actually been a fan of the show for a long time,” PhD Ape told reporters camped outside of the Gosselin’s mansion compound in rural Pennsylvania.  “I was flipping channels one night and happened upon TLC.  I see all these little children running around, and two frantic parents just trying to keep up.”

“When little Leah walks up to the camera and tells the audience that Hannah pooped in her ‘unnah-wears’, I was hooked!”

“I actually reached out to Jon and Kate during their second season, not that they seemed to be having problems, but just letting them know about my services and experience working with celebrities.”

Now a few years later, the Gosselin’s have reached out to PhD Ape.

For the past several weeks, the famous parents have been battling allegations of infidelity on the part of Jon with a young schoolteacher, and claims that Jon has actually been estranged from the family for weeks at a time, living with his mother in a nearby town.

While the brother of the teacher has verified the claims, Jon and Kate have adamantly denied them, while confirming turmoil in their relationship.

More recently, allegations have emerged that Kate has begun a torrid love-affair with her silver-haired bodyguard who accompanies Kate whenever she leaves the house.  Kate and her bodyguard have spent a great deal of time away from the family while on her book tours, promoting her non-fiction work that details the grueling life of a mother of eight.

“I’ve always said that the two most difficult jobs in the world are being a parent, and being a celebrity,” PhD Ape said.  “Just imagine how difficult that makes it to be a celebrity because you are a parent!”

“Without their children, Jon and Kate would not be famous, so the need to stay together, to work through these difficult times for the sake of their children and their status, is essential.”

“I’ll be spending at least the weekend, perhaps through Memorial Day, with the Gosselins, getting to know John and Kate, as well as Maddy, Kara, Leah, Hannah, Alexis, Joel, Colin, and of course little bespectacled Aaden.”

“Jon was very young when he married Kate, only 22, by the time he was 27 he was the father of eight.  When I turned 27 I was still sewing my wild oats and just starting a drug-fueled romp through Grad School.  You can’t blame him for having wandering eyes, but it’s how he deals with it now that counts.”

“We’ve all seen the show, we know Kate isn’t perfect.  She is shrewd and overbearing at times but we’re here to work through this and come out on top for the sake of the children.  Those adorable little goldmines that may not be adorable forever.”