PETA, the animal rights group, will be producing XXX porn videos – so they can reach more people.

PETA plans to conquer the porn world – and they doing it for the animals.

“We live in a 24 hour news cycle world and pornography has proven to be  the most effective way to reach certain individuals – most individuals,” said PETA spokeswoman Raja Lindsey.

“Porn watchers are usually big meat eaters, so we want to make vegan porn,” Lindsey continued.

The porn videos will persuade the horny and the hot that veganism is superior,” said Lindsey. “We really want to grab people’s attention, get them to question the status quo and ultimately take action, because the best way we can help the greatest number of animals is simply by not eating them.”

PETA says that eating less meat is better for you health, and makes you a “dynamo” in bed.

PETA will talk about the un-ethical treatment of animals in every porn video they make.  Here’s a quote from the V Monologues.  V for vegan.

“Chickens have their sensitive beaks seared off with a hot blade, and male cattle and pigs are castrated without any painkillers.”

With the finer details still to be finalized, PETA did confirm that regular people, not just porn stars, will also be featured in the porn videos.

“There will be a lot of girl on girl  content, but we haven’t ruled out ‘celebrity on non-celebrity’ content as well” said Lindsey.

“People who are extraordinarily dedicated to helping animals and who are willing to do whatever it takes to draw attention to the suffering they endure – they will be allowed to part of our ‘threesome’ series.”

PETA has done ad campaigns with adult film stars Sasha Grey, Ron Jeremy and Jenna Jameson. In 2008, the organization’s YouTube account was shut down after posting porn videos of celebrities.

PETA also is trying to become sponsors of the soon-to-be releases sex tape of Kim Kardashian.

PALO ALTO  – Facebook founder and CEO, Mark Zuckerberg, loves to kill animals and eat them.

When he’s not too busy connecting people across the universe, Mark Zuckerberg is pursuing a new “personal challenge,” as he calls it. “The only meat I’m eating is from animals I’ve killed myself,” says the Facebook founder and CEO. “And I love hunting animals every day.  I love killing them!”

The 27-year-old Internet billionaire has taken to slaughtering goats, pigs, horses, ducks, cows, dogs, cats and chickens, “I’m eating a lot healthier foods. And I’ve learned a lot about sustainable farming and raising of animals,” he says. “It’s easy to take the food we eat for granted when we can eat good things every day.”

Zuckerberg’s new goal came to light, not surprisingly, on Facebook. On May 4, Zuckerberg posted a note to the 847 friends on his private page: “I just killed 20 pigs and a ten goats.”
This drew a stream of emotional comments, which were a mixture of confusion, curiosity, and outright disgust. Zuckerberg posted his own comment in response, explaining that he fixates on a personal challenge each year (in 2009, he wore a tie every day), and this year’s is about slaughtering as many animals as possible.

Last night, Zuckerberg massacred fifteen pigs, nineteen sheep and a nine rabbits.

Zuckerberg’s guide on this strange journey has been a well-known Silicon Valley chef named Jesse Cool. She lives in Palo Alto, eight houses away from Zuckerberg, and owns a local restaurant called Flea Street Café. Cool has introduced Zuckerberg to nearby farmers and advised him as he killed his first chicken, pig, and goat. “He cut the throat of the goat with a knife, which is the most kind way to do it,” said Cool.

“We had to pull Mark off the goat.  He kept slashing the throat – over and over again,” said Cool.

Killing is just the kickoff. After that, Zuckerberg personally butchers the animals, cuts them into parts. Zuckerberg and his longtime girlfriend, Priscilla, have been cooking what he slaughters, eating what many people would not dare consume.

He recently ate a horse he slaughtered, including the heart and liver, and used the hooves to make stock. He posted a photo of a dead bear on his Facebook page, along with a list of the dishes he made from it.

Here’s two sheep Zuckerberg brutally stabbed to death a few days ago:

Only Zuckerberg can explain what this is really all about. Now in Europe for Facebook meetings, he sent Fortune an email detailing his thoughts:

“To start, let me give you some background on what I’m doing. Every year in recent memory, I’ve taken on a personal challenge — something to learn about the world, expand my interests and teach myself greater discipline. I spend almost all of my time building Facebook, so these personal challenges are all things I wouldn’t normally have the chance to do if I didn’t take the time.

Zuckerberg’s has had to deal with a learning curve when slaughtering animals. He moved from sea creatures to land animals. His first kill was a lobster, which he boiled alive. He says it was a difficult kill, at least emotionally. He had an entirely new feeling once he took a bite: “The most interesting thing was how special it felt to eat it after having not eaten any seafood or meat in a while.”

After the lobster, the next animal to fall at his hands was a chicken, then a pig, then a sheep, then a horse, then his own dog and cat.  What’s next on this journey? He’s told people that he’s interested in going hunting.

Zuckerberg says the new kill-what-you-eat diet hasn’t changed his frequent restaurant goings; he just limits himself to places where he can eat vegetarian. There has, however, been one unintended side effect: he notices that when he invites friends over to his house, they’re loathe to eat too much of what he’s making. He attributes that to them wondering if there’s enough to go around. “I guess they feel like I don’t have too much meat, so I should eat it myself,” he says. “I prefer sharing though.” Spoken like a true social media baron.

BEIJING, China – Chimpanzees are now being used for outsourced technical support.

Nowadays everything is being outsourced from customer service to technical support and the list keeps growing. Everyone has had an experience calling a customer service or technical support number and getting someone on the other end that has a thick accent and basically sounds like they are reading from a script.

Ultimately, when you hang up, distraught and dissatisfied, you often think, “Wow, a trained monkey could do that person’s job.” Well now a company in China is taking that concept almost literally. The Bei Mou Nu Corp. of Beijing is offering outsourced computer technical support by way of chimpanzees. That’s right. Chimpanzees are the ones giving the tech support.

Gan Ju Huan, founder and CEO of the Bei Mou Nu Corp. said that he came up with the idea after watching an episode of late 70s, early 80s American television classic BJ and the Bear.

“When I see Bear do so many amazing task on his own, I realize there something I can do with chimp,” said  Huan, “ One thing about show I not understand; Bear, he no bear, he chimpanzee. Americans, what they think of next. This why USA children so stupid. All USA children learn from TV. They get mix message, people calling chimp bear.”

Chimps have always been known for their high levels of intelligence and comprehension. But this is the first time that humans have been able to use chimpanzees for a customer service based job. Many computer manufactures such as Dell, Gateway, Asus, and Apple have already signed up for the ground breaking service.

The service, however, has been receiving mixed reviews from customers.

“I got one of the chimps on the phone the other day. There was a lot of screaming and hooting on the other end but surprisingly, I had my iPad back up and running in no time. Bubbles, the chimp who helped me, even gave me access to the new unreleased app, Windows,” said Timothy Sanders of Springfield, MO.

Read about the new Apple iPad app Windows here.

“I recently had a chat session with a tech support rep that I know had to be a chimp,” said Sheila Belafonte of Carson City, NV. “Not one word was spelled correctly and after 3 hours of chatting with the chimp nothing was resolved. Worst experience of my life.”

Many animal rights organizations are raising concerns regarding the well being of the chimpanzees as well.

“Chimpanzees are not supposed to sit behind desks, answer phones, and chat online. They are supposed to be in the wild, enjoying nature and flinging feces” said Virginia Wells of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), “let’s leave all this technical monkey business to the humans!”

LONDON – Pamela Anderson spoke to butchers over the weekend, showing off her meat.

Pamela Anderson, a 43-year-old mother and former star of Baywatch, was in London to speak on behalf of Peta (People for the Ethical Treatment for Animals) and to promote her new “butcher poster.”   In the poster, Anderson is  divided into chunks of meat like breast and ribs.  She is wearing nothing but a teensy tiny bikini.

“I wanted to talk about my flesh and meat.  This butcher ad with me in a bikini – really draws attention to my best parts.  I think it’s clear that I ‘m Grade A meat.”

Pamela Anderson wants to encourage people to become vegetarians, and also to buy more pictures of her in bikinis.  “I think if people ate less meat and bought more pictures of me naked, the world would be a better place.”

The poster proclaims: “All animals have the same body parts, but mine are hotter.”

Dressed in a sky blue shirt-waisted Vivienne Westwood dress cinched with a red belt and wearing gold stiletos, Anderson was all smiles as she proudly posed alongside the display .

Anderson spent the majority of her time on Baywatch wearing a tiny red bikini, had no problem undertaking the campaign and said she believed the poster’s message was an important one.   She said: “The biggest issue that I like to talk about is how my breasts are still as fabulous as they ever were.  And I think my legs are getting better with age.”

I want to talk about the flesh part of it all, so we thought this would be a great parody – the butcher ad and being in a bikini – drawing attention to it and realizing that we all have the same parts.”

Pamela is currently working on her next film:   “Sex With Tommy IV.”

Catch the Pamela meat in action:

DALLAS  – A rare pink hippo, spotted on a farm outside Dallas, was soon shot dead by a local rancher.

They say you have to be drunk to see pink elephants. But you really have to be sober to see a rare pink hippo, as two farmers recently did, near Bowie, Texas.

Brothers Jud and Lucas Berne wrote on their blog about their shock at seeing the animal, roaming with the other cattle on their farm.

“We have just returned from a trip to grocer store when we spotted that dang hippo.  We nearly spit, when we saw that.  We called the local authorities and they came over to take it to the zoo,” Jud told WWN.

Authorities confirmed that the young, rosy-colored animal was, in fact, a hippopotamus.  “National Geographic called and said they wanted to come and take some pictures, and after I asked Rancher Kellogg if it was okay, because that dang hippo was on his land, we said yes and they came over.”  Lucas said.  “I love National Geographic. They show some nice naked ladies.”

No one could explain how a hippopotamus – usually found in Africa – could have made it’s way onto a farm in Dallas, but there were a lot of theories flying around Bowie.  “I think that pinko thing got swept up in a hurricane that got going in Africa and it just flew over here and landed on the Jones farm,” said Thelma Whyte.  “Pigs don’t fly, but it looks like hippos do.”

Pink HIppo in the mud

The whole town of Bowie came out to see the animal.  But somebody forgot to tell Old Man Jones about the hippo.  “He saw the pink animal running around between the calves and thought it was a sick pig or something,”  Jud said.   “He blasted that hippo to smithereens.”

Local Animal Control, Bowie Police and National Geographic photographers tried to save the pink hippo, but there was nothing left but a bunch of intestines lying on the ground. “Old Man Jones is a dead-eye.  He sure is,” said Lucas.

“Too bad he shot him with buckshot… would made a tasty meal,” said Jud.  “Oh well, maybe another flying hippo will land in Bowie.  I hope so.”

Well, if hippos do fly, they might want to bypass Dallas… head for Sedona, Arizona or Los Angeles.  They might survive a little longer.

TOLEDO – A crazed burger killer is on the loose in Ohio – stabbing cheeseburgers across the state.

FoxNews in Toledo is reporting that a mysterious person has been roaming the countryside, seeking out freshly-cooked cheeseburgers and violently stabbing them.  The cheeseburgers, unable to defend themselves, have been slaughtered, stabbed repeatedly with a steak knife, leaving nothing but Burger bits on the ground.

“It’s horrifying,” said a distraught Laura Calcaterra (pictured here).

“We were ready to serve the children burgers, when the Burger Killer rushed into our backyard and stabbed every cheeseburger we had.  There was nothing left but buns,” said Calcaterra.  The children at the 6-year-old birthday party went screaming in all directions.  “They’ll never be able to eat cheeseburgers again, never.”

Toledo Police are taking the Burger Killer seriously.  “Sometimes it starts with burgers, then it moves to steak, then mice, then cats, then dogs, then humans.  It’s a typical pattern. We have to stop the Burger Killer now, before he does more harm.”

“Nonsense,” said Burger Expert, Professor Frank Bontempo of the University of Toledo.  “There is no evidence, empirical or otherwise, that demonstrates that killing or stabbing cheeseburgers leads to murder of humans.  What my studies have shown is that people that attack Burgers, typically stick to meat attacks.  They may kill a few hot dogs or pork sandwiches, but that’s it.  There’s no escalation whatsoever.”

The Toledo Police have set up Burger Killer Task Force.  Burger King, McDonald’s and Denny’s have hired round-the-clock guards to protect their restaurants.  “Some of our customers who have ordered Big Macs, have seen a shadowy figure nearby.  We have to protect our customers and our burgers.”

“It’s impossible to kill a burger.  It’s already dead,” said seven-year-old Christine Sumanis.  “The cow was killed and then made into a burger and then this person comes in and stabs it to death, but it’s not really death because it’s already dead.  I’m confused.”  It’s easy for children to understand the evil that some men (or women) do… but the Burger Killer is running wild in Ohio. There have been a number of reports of Burger Killer stabbings in Akron, Youngstown and just yesterday there were several hundred cheeseburgers killed at Cleveland Brown parties in Cleveland.

“We will catch the Burger Killer. Count on it!,” said Captain John Comito of the Toledo Police Department.

The Toledo Police already had a “person of interest” that they suspect may be the Burger Killer.  Here she is:

Keep your cheeseburgers safe!!

SOUTH CAROLINA – A 900 pound gator was caught this week by a Massachusetts woman fishing in South Carolina.

Agnes Martin caught and then killed a 13-foot long gator in Lake Moultrie this week.  Zoologists say that this is one of the most spectacular finds of the decade

WLTC in Charlotte reported that the Massachusetts resident successfully got a permit through South Carolina’s permit lottery system for the one month-long alligator season. “He was right there at the edge of the bank swimming on the edges,” Martin said. She hooked him with her fishing pole and battled for two hours to get him near the boat. In South Carolina, you have to secure the gator and get it to the boat before you’re allowed to shoot it.

It took two hours to bring in the gator that she first hooked with a fishing line. Martin says she will take the meat back home with her. She originally wanted to have the gator stuffed and mounted on the wall of in bedroom, but her husband, George, a shoe salesman in Newton, convinced her to make shoes out of the gator.  “George loves animals, especially when they are dead and on his feet.”

Martin said that her husband plans to make about forty pairs of leather shoes from the alligator.  George will be selling them for about $1,000 dollars a pair.  “I think it’s a great bargain, considering that this was a rare find.”  Martin and her husband will be back in South Carolina next week hunting for more gators.

Meanwhile, PETA is planning a shoe caper for later in the week.

See the video report of the original catch here.

HOLLYWOOD – Lady Gaga wore her meat dress out tonight and was attacked by a pack of wild dogs.

Two days after Lady shocked everybody with her meat dress at the MTV Video Music Awards, she wore it out again to the hot new restaurant, Red O, on Melrose Avenue in Los Angeles.   As she was getting out of her limo, a pack of wild dogs jumped her and ate her meat.

Gaga tried to get away, but the dogs kept biting her meat, tearing it off her. Several of Gaga’s body guards tried to pull the dogs away, but they were bitten on their hands and legs.  The dogs -= two rottweilers, a pit bull and two mutts – were just too wild to control.  Gaga fought the dogs with kicks, screams and a verse from her hit Speechless.   LAPD and Animal Rescue were called and arrived quickly.

The LAPD tased the dogs and they finally gave up on the meat. Gaga, surprisingly, only sustained minor injuries. The dogs ate all her meat, however, and she was left nude on the sidewalk.  Animal Rescue tried to put Lady Gaga in the truck, but her bodyguards stopped them.

Meatloaf, the aging rock star, was seen nearby. Some thought he had something to do with the wild dogs because he was heard telling his plastic surgeon, “I should be the one wearing meat. I’m meatloaf, not her!”

Representatives from PETA also denied rumors that they were responsible for the dog attack on Gaga’s meat. “We don’t like celebrities to wear furs and we certainly don’t like them to wear meat!” Lady Gaga had already explained her raw meat dress, “it’s not a matter of disrespectful to vegetarian persons.” She went on to say that if “we don’t fight we’ll all be meat soon.” She didn’t explain what or who we were fighting.

But as a consolation to PETA, Lady Gaga will be wearing only raw vegetables when she performs in Las Vegas this week. “I think I’ll look good in broccoli,” Gaga said.

Gaga told Ellen on her show that she wore the meat because she wasn’t performing on the VMAs and she didn’t want to let her beloved fans (her “little monsters”) down by being “just another bitch in a dress at an awards show.”   So she went to a butcher in Brentwood and got outfitted.  She said she was even wore  ground beef panties.

And the dogs?  Don’t worry, they are fine.  They will be up for adoption this week.  Several members of LA Animal Rescue said they’d never seen dogs so happy.  “They really loved Gaga’s meat.”

Oh well,  maybe there are some broccoli lovers out there…

Here’s Gaga’ Vogue meat bikini cover:

ORLANDO, FL – Tiger Woods recent fall from grace has been used by a popular organization to convey a very important message!

Tiger Woods will soon appear on a PETA billboard in his hometown. The animal rights organization has created a graphic showing the golfer accompanied by an all caps message.

“TOO MUCH SEX CAN BE A BAD THING … for little tigers too. Help keep your cats (and dogs) out of trouble. Always spay or neuter!”

PETA explains the reasoning behind their ad with a blog post on their website. “One unsprayed female cat and her offspring can produce an estimated 420,000 cats in only seven years, and a female dog and her offspring can produce 67,000 puppies in six years. Many of those animals end up unwanted and unloved, often dropped off at animal shelters that are already bursting at the seams. Just as we all know and accept the sky is blue, we know that every time a breeder or pet store sells an animal, an animal in an animal shelter loses his or her life.”

A very true and important mention, but no real clear explanation as to why Tiger is on the ad. “Tiger has no formal affiliation with the organization and has not previewed or endorsed the ad but the image and the idea were too good to pass up when it comes to helping find homes for animals who will otherwise be left in the cold,” said PETA Executive Vice President Daphna Nachminovitch in a statement.

It remains to be seen if the ad will stick around and many think that PETA is taking a risky road and that they could have come up with something better. There will certainly be criticism towards the ad