PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA – PETA’s solution to the use of a live groundhog for predicting the coming of spring? Build a robotic one!

Punxsutawney Phil is the animal used on Groundhog Day to predict the arrival of spring. A tradition for over 120 years, Phil is coaxed out of his box to see if he casts a shadow. A shadow indicates six more weeks of winter, and no shadow means spring will arrive early.

Groundhog Day is a beloved holiday celebrated by children throughout the country. Phil was also made famous by the Bill Murray hit comedy “Groundhog Day”.

However, the infamous animal rights group PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, is calling for the end of the tradition. They believe the groundhogs “become stressed when they are exposed to large, screaming crowds; flashing lights from perhaps hundreds of cameras; and human handling.”

Their solution? The animals should be replaced by a robot Phil!

In the letter written to Bill Deeley, president of the Inner Circle of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club who cares for Phil year-round, Gemma Vaughan asked that they “make the compassionate decision to use an animatronic Phil and retire the live groundhogs who are used for Groundhog Day activities to a sanctuary.”

Deeley has responded by declaring Phil’s living conditions exceptional, a climate-controlled environment that is inspected annually by the Department of Agriculture. He is quoted as saying Phil is “being treated better than the average child in Pennsylvania.”

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Police are attempting to uncover who wrapped a cat in duct tape and abandoned it!

A cat was found abandoned in a North Philadelphia yard yesterday afternoon. The cat was completely wrapped in duct tape, except for its head.

“I’ve never seen a cat totally wrapped like a mummy before,” said George Bengal, director investigations for the Pennsylvania Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. “Whoever did this is very sick.”

Irissa Torian, a resident of the 2200 block of Edgley Street, was the one who found the cat.

“It’s a damn shame,” she said.

The cat was sedated by workers at the PSPCA so the tape could be cut away by scissors.

A female cat now nicknamed “Sticky”, she is doing well.

“We’re lucky that the tape was not on the cat for a long time. It came off easily,” said Gail Luciani, PSCPA spokeswoman.

The police are offering a $1000 for any tips that lead to the conviction of the animal cruelty culprit.

PITTSBURGH, PA – A tiny bacterium taken from a Greenland ice sheet has been revived and studied, further fueling theories of potential alien life.

Officially named Herminiimonas glaciei, it was pulled from the base of a Greenland glacier, buried over one and a half miles in ice. It is extremely small, at just 0.9 micrometres long and 0.4 micrometres in diameter, and very old, about 120,000 years old!

Scientists believe that it lives in tiny veins in the ice, living off of dust, bacterial cells, fungal spores, plant spores, and minerals. But it’s revival process may be as interesting as it’s existence. Pennsylvania State University spent over a year slowly bringing it back to life, keeping it at 35.5 °F for 7 months, then at 41 °F for another four-and-a-half months, until they began to see the bacteria flourishing.

However, Jennifer Loveland-Curtze is most excited by the implications of finding life in such extreme conditions. She believes similar organisms might be found on other planets, such as at the polar ice caps on Mars or in the icy ocean of Jupiter’s moon, Europa (seen above).

“All we can say is that because ice is the best medium to preserve nucleic acids, other organic compounds and cells, the potential for finding them in these environments is quite high because of the cold,” says Loveland-Curtze. “It gives us hope that if something is there, we can locate it.”

WERNERSVILLE, PA – As the media attention grows surrounding allegations of infidelity, Jon and Kate Gosselin have asked for professional help from PhD Ape!

“I’ve actually been a fan of the show for a long time,” PhD Ape told reporters camped outside of the Gosselin’s mansion compound in rural Pennsylvania.  “I was flipping channels one night and happened upon TLC.  I see all these little children running around, and two frantic parents just trying to keep up.”

“When little Leah walks up to the camera and tells the audience that Hannah pooped in her ‘unnah-wears’, I was hooked!”

“I actually reached out to Jon and Kate during their second season, not that they seemed to be having problems, but just letting them know about my services and experience working with celebrities.”

Now a few years later, the Gosselin’s have reached out to PhD Ape.

For the past several weeks, the famous parents have been battling allegations of infidelity on the part of Jon with a young schoolteacher, and claims that Jon has actually been estranged from the family for weeks at a time, living with his mother in a nearby town.

While the brother of the teacher has verified the claims, Jon and Kate have adamantly denied them, while confirming turmoil in their relationship.

More recently, allegations have emerged that Kate has begun a torrid love-affair with her silver-haired bodyguard who accompanies Kate whenever she leaves the house.  Kate and her bodyguard have spent a great deal of time away from the family while on her book tours, promoting her non-fiction work that details the grueling life of a mother of eight.

“I’ve always said that the two most difficult jobs in the world are being a parent, and being a celebrity,” PhD Ape said.  “Just imagine how difficult that makes it to be a celebrity because you are a parent!”

“Without their children, Jon and Kate would not be famous, so the need to stay together, to work through these difficult times for the sake of their children and their status, is essential.”

“I’ll be spending at least the weekend, perhaps through Memorial Day, with the Gosselins, getting to know John and Kate, as well as Maddy, Kara, Leah, Hannah, Alexis, Joel, Colin, and of course little bespectacled Aaden.”

“Jon was very young when he married Kate, only 22, by the time he was 27 he was the father of eight.  When I turned 27 I was still sewing my wild oats and just starting a drug-fueled romp through Grad School.  You can’t blame him for having wandering eyes, but it’s how he deals with it now that counts.”

“We’ve all seen the show, we know Kate isn’t perfect.  She is shrewd and overbearing at times but we’re here to work through this and come out on top for the sake of the children.  Those adorable little goldmines that may not be adorable forever.”

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Jon Gosselin has spent weeks battling allegations that he cheated on his wife Kate.  But Weekly World News has finally uncovered his strange affair – with 8 clowns!

Jon and Kate Gosselin star in the popular TLC reality show “Jon and Kate plus 8”, which chronicles their life as parents of 7 year old twins and 4 year old sextuplets.

Since US magazine broke the story last week there has been a frenzy of allegations and denials in attempting to discover the truth.

Weekly World News reporters, however, have finally uncovered definitive photographic proof of the Jon Gosselin affair.

Last weekend, Jon Gosselin was seen entering a hotel room with 8 female circus performers.  The women are believed to have been part of a touring production of Cirque du Soleil.

Pictures clearly show Jon entering a room trying to avoid being recognized.  The room was registered to a “Pepper Freckles” who checked in only one hour before.

A security guard, who wishes to remain anonymous, says during the next three hours several guests complained about noises from that room, including loud repetitive squeaking and occasional rounds of applause.  During that time he once saw Jon out of the room getting ice; he had multicolored face paint on his collar and appeared to be walking funny, most likely from the oversized shoes he was wearing.  The guard then saw a female clown lean out of her room and beckon Gosselin back with a large and inappropriately shaped balloon.

Hours later Jon was seen outside of the room, weeping to his clown lovers.  He began yelling and it became clear he was desperate for them to take him with them.  The clowns refused flatly, and used seltzer bottles to make him let go of their legs.  Through tears he watched the 8 women pile into one small car and drive away.

Spokespeople for Jon Gosslin have yet to comment on these most recent allegations.

ELDER, PA – Late rapper Tupac Shakur was sighted drinking in New Orleans this weekend.  Weekly World News reporters tracked him down for an interview.

TMZ is reporting that  Tupac Shakur was sighted and photographed having drinks at a Bourbon Street bar in New Orleans.  Soon thereafter the internet was ablaze with speculation if this was real and Tupac was really alive.

Tupac Shakur was allegedly gunned down September 7th 1996 after leaving a boxing match.  However reporters have discovered that Tupac actually survived the shooting, but he and record label executives paid off medical examiners to claim he had died.  His apparent death allowed him to escape his assailants and his constant legal battles.

Since then Tupac has lived in hiding under an assumed name in rural Pennsylvania.  Weekly World News reporters tracked down the beloved rap star to his new home.

In regards to going into hiding he said, “At first it was life or death.  I’d just been shot at and I knew it wasn’t going to stop.  Once I was out of the game, a fresh start looked too good.  All the baggage from the old life, I could let it go and walk away.”

Since then, “I mostly keep my head low.  Don’t draw attention.  Staying out of trouble.”

When asked about how he spends his time, he said, “Ya know, same old same old.  Shop at the Farmer’s Market.  Keep my bees, get some honey.  Flirt with the girls at Dairy Queen.  Nothin’ big.”

For creative exploits, Tupac says, “I like to knit.”  His house was covered with hand knit pieces celebrating his former celebrity and sweaters with ‘Thug Life’ stitched on them.   Above the couch was a large tapestry depicting a scene from his California Love video.  He went on: “I do a lot of writing.  Jewel’s book of poetry, that was mine.  I also ghost wrote the screenplay for ‘The Lake House’.”

Tupac said he has no plans to return to the public eye.  “I’m a keep it straight chillin’ here.  Keep them bees, work the strawberry patch.  End of the day, play on with some World of Warcraft.  It’s a good life.”

PHILADELPHIA, PA – As Madam Kristen Davis debates whether to publish her tell-all biography, she has turned to a longtime friend and alleged client for counsel: PhD Ape!

Madam Davis, supplier of prostitutes to A-List clientele who first came to notoriety in the wake of the Eliot Spitzer prostitution scandal, has made quite a name for herself over the past few weeks as her relationship with baseball slugger Alex Rodriguez has come to light.

What began as a romantic relationship initiated by A-Rod after spotting the busty Davis at a local gym, became a client-madam business arrangement by which Rodriguez was supplied high price call girls in the service of the exclusive Madam Davis.

Although married, Rodriguez allegedly became smitten with Davis, sending her flowers and lavish gifts, often claiming to enjoy her escorts but never as much as he enjoyed the company of Davis herself.

As public attention focused on her illicit business, Davis has been forced to abandon her seedy, yet lucrative Madam lifestyle.  And without the hundreds of thousands of dollars earned every year, Davis has had to consider other avenues for financial support.

Unsure about the potential fallout from the details divulged in her racy tell all book, Davis has sought out the advice of longtime confidant, PhD Ape.

“Kristen is a classy woman, a successful businesswoman and a dear friend,” PhD Ape told reporters after arriving in Philadelphia this past weekend.  “We have been friends for years and I have often provided counsel to her during troubled times.  Often a partner in troublesome relationships, whether they be personal relations with married men or business partnerships with loose women, Kristen seems to be a magnet for people who need and want something from her.”

“I told her that tell-alls can be tricky business, often prompting retaliatory allegations to emerge.  But I understand her financial quandry.  We will spend the next several days weighing her options and coming to the most fruitful conclusion.”

While PhD Ape’s long list of celebrity clients has associated him with his fair share of scandalous people, PhD has kept a respectable PG image for himself over the years.  However, recent information leaked to the press regarding Madam Kristen Davis’ client roster has led to some rethinking the nature of her “professional” relationship with the celebrity shrink.

“Our relationship is completely on the up and up, and I do not appreciate any implication that it is not of the utmost professional level.  I take my oath very seriously.  Kristen and I have maintained a two way friendship and a one way professional relationship.  While friends, Kristen indulges in my professional counsel, but I have never indulged in her… ’services.’”

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Jon and Kate Gosselin, stars of the hit reality show, Jon and Kate Plus 8, have added one supersized mouth to their family this holiday season: Tonya!

The parents of eight children, 7-year-old twin girls and 4 year-old sextuplets, caved to the increasing pressure of their children to adopt a pet.  Originally expecting to get a medium to large sized dog, the Gosselin’s changed their plans after being introduced to Tonya at a summit for reality TV show stars.

“Jon looked over and saw Tonya being interviewed by at least 6 different reporters at one time,” Kate said in a press release, “he immediately knew that if she could handle that many members of the press, she could totally deal with eight screaming, grabby children.”

When asked about their decision to adopt a giant cat instead of a dog, Jon told reporters, “We hadn’t considered a cat originally.  Size was very important to us.  Having eight kids, we knew we wanted an animal that all of them could pay attention to at the same time.  The problem with a cat or rabbit or small dog is that only one kid could hold it or pet it.  With Tonya, that isn’t going to be a problem.  When she lays on her back, all six of the little kids can lay on Tonya with room to spare.”

Longtime fans of Tonya’s who have followed her recent performances on Top Chef and Biggest Loser, were surprised to hear that she is taking a break from reality competitions to guest star on the much tamer TLC show.

Through her spokesperson, Tonya responded, “If you have ever seen the program, you know that Kate knows how to cook big meals.  And we all know Tonya loves big meals.  She also loves a challenge.  And being manhandled by 16 little sticky hands just might be the most challenging thing Tonya has ever done.”

Rumors that Tonya is actually only interested in eating the young Gosselin children have been widely disputed.  Both Tonya’s representation and TLC have promised defamation of character lawsuits to “anyone who continues to spread such vile accusations.”

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Whether he’s a fan of the books or just trying to make friends, Bat Boy was spotted waiting in line to meet the star of the upcoming film “Twilight”.

Robert Pattinson appeared at the King Prussia mall today to meet fans and sign memorabilia. His film is based on a popular book series that revolves around a love affair between a vampire boy and his high school human sweetheart.

Scientists are wondering if Bat Boy may be hitting that age where he is interested in romance.  Recently he was seen trying to find similar bat-people, so some are questioning why he was at the signing. Was he just confused by Pattinson’s bat-boy-like state in the film, or was he taken in by the books adolescent love story?

In any event, Bat Boy waited in line for eight hours to meet the actor.  Approaching the star, Bay Boy squeaked shyly, handing Pattinson a damp and slightly chewed copy of the book.  Patterson signed the book awkwardly and asked if he liked vampire stories, to which Bat Boy froze in fear then grabbed his book and ran away.

Bay Boy hid in the Old Navy accessory department crying, presumably angry at himself for getting so nervous.  Shortly thereafter he was approached by a group of girls his age who were fascinated in his vampire-like appearance.

The group was later seen in the food court, introducing Bat Boy to the A&W Root Beer Float.  Bat Boy spat it out and led the tweens outside to help him find his usual snack, mosquitoes.

JACKSONVILLE, FL – It looks like the Chaos Cloud has picked its final destination before the elections begin: Florida!

After visiting Ohio, Indiana and Pennsylvania, the Cloud seems to have settled over Jacksonville’s Municipal Stadium, where it has been hovering since late Sunday night.

It is believed that the Chaos Cloud is warning government officials to not repeat the problems that were made during the infamous 2000 presidential election. This fits in with the Cayan prophecy that the Cloud is waiting to bring ultimate chaos and the end of the world in 2014.

Florida State University professor Dr. Adam Gamal explained, “The Cayans were a pre-Columbian Central American tribe renowned for their astronomy and mathematics. They worshipped a god-king mathematician who spent thirty years solving their greatest calculation: when the world would end.

“Their calendar ends in 2014, when an evil mist will descend and consume our world. I believe the Chaos Cloud is trying to limit any chaotic events until his time has come. Basically, he’s a bit of a prima donna.”

Florida officials are promising citizens that the balloting process will go as smoothly as possible. It appears that the Chaos Cloud will be insuring that.

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