DENVER – President Obama plans to build an Intercontinental Railroad between New York and Paris.

At a fiery speech in Denver,  President Obama unveiled his plans to build a railroad between New York City and Paris, France.  The President had mentioned this idea last week and some in the media thought he committed a gaffe.  ”It’s no gaffe, it’s his vision,” said White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney.

“President Kennedy dreamed of going to the moon, I dream of going to Paris – by train!” Obama told the Denver crowd.

President Obama wants to put Americans to work building an elaborate array of tunnels of bridges that start at Grand Central Station and end at Paris Nord Train Station.

“It’s going to take a lot of manpower to get to Paris, but I think we can do it.   We are Americans!  We know how to build bridges and tunnels!”

President Obama plans to build 3,628 miles of tunnels and bridges between New York and Paris starting at the beginning of 2012.  ”Imagine waking up in New York, catching a bullet train to Paris and being home with your kids for dinner.  That’s the future I envision. That’s the new American dream.”

Will the French help finance Obama’s “intercontinental railroad” project?  ”Not a chance,” said French Prime Minister Sarkozy.

Most train experts predict that even with a “bullet train” it will still take about 50 hours to travel by train to Paris from New York.  ”It’s going to be hard to get up in the morning, work a full day in Paris and be home in dinner.   You would need a 120 hour day to do that,” said Metropolitan Transportation Authority chief, Tom Hillstrom.  ”I’m not sure going to Paris by train is worth it.”

“Let the naysayers nay say,” said Obama.  ”We can get to Paris.  I know it.  And we will build a train, we will build bridges and we will build tunnels.  And we will save our economy by putting people to work.  It’s all in my American Jobs Act.”

“He’s completely lost the plot,” said British railroad engineer Ian Blackborn.  ”It’s impossible to build a system of tunnels and bridges that traverse the Atlantic.  And it’s foolish.  He’d have just as much success building a bridge to the moon.”

“So, let’s build a bridge to the moon!” said Obama when told of Blackborn’s comment.

He has a dream..

BEIJING, China – Man harnesses the power of invisibility.

After reviewing Invisibility & Levitation: How-To Keys To Personal Performance by Commander X, I was contacted by Abelard Productions Publishing professing their deepest gratitude for the glowing review of their 1998 publication.

I was informed that since the review, the book has gone into a thirteenth edition in order to keep up with the demand. They also informed me of testimonial from one of their readers that is their greatest success story of all time.

Chinese artist, Liu Bolin, has not yet conquered the art of levitation but has mastered the art of invisibility. Through his efforts, he has been able to take the art of invisibility to a higher cultural plain and become commercially profitable as well. Due to his discoveries from reading Invisibility & Levitation, which he purchased back in ’98, Bolin has been able to blend into any environment that surrounds him earning him the nickname of “The Human Chameleon.”

“It is well known that chapter three, Invisibility and the Art of Unvulnerability, really made an impact on Bolin and was a monumentous turning point for him and his work,” explained noted art historian, Samantha Downington.

Since his epiphany of sorts, Bolin has begun documenting his uncanny ability to blend into environments. He and a team of assistants travel to various locations throughout the world where he is photographed form various angles as he becomes one with his surroundings. He then meticulously chooses from the images sending them to various galleries throughout the world to sell.

Since he began working in the medium of invisibility and photography, Bolin has had exhibitions with many art venues throughout the world. His work can be found in galleries in New York City, Milan, Paris, and Beijing. His works have sold at auction for as much as $50,000. Bolin is quickly becoming the next hot commodity in the art world so if you can afford them, run out and buy one before they disappear.

PARIS – Authorities took the corpse of a woman out of one cemetery and buried it in another – because her screaming ghost was disturbing neighbors!

Only a few days after Yvonne DeLyon, 61, was buried in the first graveyard, complaints began pouring in from people who live nearby. The public outcry conitnued for six months before officials finally had to take action.

“That woman screamed and wailed all night,” said one resident of the small town of Feurs, France. “It scared us almost to death. The whole reasons my family and I moved here beside the cemetery was because it was quiet and peaceful. But it got so we couldn’t get a decent night’s sleep.”

Accounts from the complaining citizens charge that much of the noise was incoherent ranting. But many of the terrified and outraged townspeople claim they distinctly heard the dead woman nagging and berating her husband, who died three years before her.

One man said he clearly overheard her yelling things like, “Charles, don’t you dare leave that wet towel on the bed,” or “Why don’t we ever go out to dinner?”

Jean Vecque, director and manager of the cemetery, confirms the reports. “I’ve never believed in ghosts,” says the conservative 51 year old. “I’ve been in the business for 19 years and seen hundreds of corpses. But this is the first time I’ve heard one roaring and bellowing from the coffin.”

“At first I thought it was someone playing a practical joke. So I personally investigated it. I stood out by the grave all night. It was enough to scare me to death. I never heard such eerie screeching. And it was definitely coming from the grave.”

One odd sidelight of the case is that Mrs. DeLyon was quiet and retiring when she was alive.

Dr. Yvette Colvert, a noted French parapsychologist who was called in to investigate, says, “This happens occasionally with people who were timid and shy in life. After death, they finally get the courage to stand up for their rights. Then there’s just no stopping them.”

Mrs. DeLyon’s only surviving relative, her son, Jacques DeLyon, tried to fight the town council’s demand to have the body exhumed. “I admit it was disturbing their sleep and frightening their children,” said Mr. DeLyon. “But I paid good money for that plot and she has the right to be laid to rest there.”

But his bid to keep her there was defeated unanimously.

Her body now lies in a rural graveyeard, miles from the town, in the French countryside.

Finally Muslim women can enjoy public swimming while following Islamic law with the burkini!

Made in the strictest accordance with Sharia law each burkini is designed to protect its wearer from chaffing, overheating, the eyes of men, and the wrath of Allah.  Each burkini is made in special factories that are blessed by Imams from whole trade materials, so they are Halal and planet friendly.  Each item is printed with Islamic friendly designs, and prayed over that the wearer will show sound judgement in the face of temptation.

The seasonal hit of the Muslim fashion world has finally arrived in Europe amid controversy.  This week a muslim woman in the Paris suburb of Emerainville was banned from a public pool for wearing her burkini.  The woman claims it was discrimination, while city officials claim it was breaking the “mandatory thong” French dress code.  Manufacturers of the burkini insist, “they were simply jealous of her fashionable yet god-fearing attire.”

Thanks to its innovative design Muslim women and albinos can now enjoy fun in the sun like anybody else.  Keep an eye out for the burkini at your local swimming establishment.

PARIS – The Dead Sea Scrolls predicted that a Great Flood, like the one that destroyed Noah’s world, will sweep the Earth in 2009, drowning at least 2 billion people.

And far from taking the prediction lightly, a growing number of scientists believe that the flood will, in fact, come to pass as our polar ice caps shift and melt, adding trillions of gallons of water to our already swollen oceans.

Scholars uncovered the frightening prediction late last year and according to Dr. Paul Martinique, an oceanographer at the University of Paris, “the message couldn’t be clearer.”

“When the Scrolls’ prediction first came to my attention, I was shocked because it foretold current global conditions thousands of years in advance. For quite some time now the scientific community has been gathering evidence that proves our poles are shifting from their normal positions north and south to positions east and west.

“This shift will actually cause the Earth to tilt on its axis, changing our relationship to the sun. As this happens, the polar ice caps will melt, flooding the world with an unimaginable amount of what was formerly frozent water. We are looking at global flooding on a scale unseen since the time of Noah. And when that happens, as many as two billion people will die.”

Computer models suggest that most of North America and Western Europe would be under 10 to 60 feet of water. Africa, South America and portions of Asia would be affected less severely, while places like Australia, New Zealand, Great Britain and Japan would likely disappear altogether.

Home Depot is expecting a mad rush on boat building materials. Get in there first!

[Images courtesy of FreakingNews.com]